I have felt so well since the surgery, it has truly amazed me. Everyone close to me is telling me that they feel like they have "Beth back." I have been feeling so well, that straightening my home, putting away dishes, making the bed, all things that were so hard to do a month ago are coming a bit easier for me now. However, as I awoke this morning my body reminds me with cramps, aching body, and a headache, that it was just on a huge journey and not yet recovered. I told Kevin last night that this pregnancy plays games with my head. With Eddie, from the moment I found out we knew something was wrong, since I was bleeding so heavenly. With Judah, besides being extremely sick and tired, I had six weeks of pure joy and anticipation for that baby. So now to be told I was never carrying a baby, and that I am not pregnant now, my mind and emotions can't seem to catch up to the reality that lays at hand. As I brewed a pot of coffee last night, I was thinking I needed to make sure it was decaf because I didn't want to drink any caffeine while I "am" pregnant, then I catch myself, I am not pregnant. Sometimes I just have to say it over and over in my head, and I hate saying it.
People have been so wonderful and encouraging with words, but I am struggling with one phrase that seems to come up a lot, "don't worry you'll get pregnant again..." How do we know this? There is no guarantee, people also said while I was pregnant "Oh don't worry nothing bad is going to happen..."
The only person who should be able to say this to Kevin and I is the father, he is the only one who knows. As Kevin and I hope that we get pregnant again, we also go before the throne with open hands. One of the amazing truths that God has shown me on this journey is that His voice is the only voice I place my hope in. I know God speaks through people I don't doubt that one second, however if he speaks through someone to us, we need to spend time seeking his voice to make sure that is what he wanted us to hear. That is why I keep saying that this journey is about getting to know the fathers voice, that is what my daily prayer is.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Healing
As I awoke this morning I was amazed at how at peace my spirit was. I slept the best I have slept in months. I can't believe how well I am feeling and am just now realizing just how sick I really was. It feels good to feel myself again. I know there will be dark days ahead, and I know that Satan will try and feed me lies about my God and about my body. I have already had to fight away the thoughts of failure. Those words are not truth.
Today was a quiet day, as Kevin went to work and for the first time in many days I had sometime alone. I am still so torn between knowing we need to return to normal life and wanting to stay in this moment of grief and recovery. In so many ways I feel as though moving forward I am leaving behind that last ounce of pregnancy. I can't believe that a week ago Kevin and I were talking names, nursery ideas and I was looking up bedding for our crib, to not being pregnant and now not even being able to try. You really just never know what a day or an hour can bring you.
I am being refined in the fire as God is revealing so many things to me. My spirit is quietly listening for the fathers voice, knowing that in it I will find comfort, security and hope.
Many people have told Kevin and I that they could not praise God after going through what we have been through, but I say in response to that, you never know until you are in the midst of it. I can honestly say that I would fear the worst about this pregnancy telling God that if anything happened I am not sure that I could handle it, but HE is my strength, HE is my comfort, in HIM we find our joy and peace. The only thing we are doing is falling into his arms of Grace and Love.
Today was a quiet day, as Kevin went to work and for the first time in many days I had sometime alone. I am still so torn between knowing we need to return to normal life and wanting to stay in this moment of grief and recovery. In so many ways I feel as though moving forward I am leaving behind that last ounce of pregnancy. I can't believe that a week ago Kevin and I were talking names, nursery ideas and I was looking up bedding for our crib, to not being pregnant and now not even being able to try. You really just never know what a day or an hour can bring you.
I am being refined in the fire as God is revealing so many things to me. My spirit is quietly listening for the fathers voice, knowing that in it I will find comfort, security and hope.
Many people have told Kevin and I that they could not praise God after going through what we have been through, but I say in response to that, you never know until you are in the midst of it. I can honestly say that I would fear the worst about this pregnancy telling God that if anything happened I am not sure that I could handle it, but HE is my strength, HE is my comfort, in HIM we find our joy and peace. The only thing we are doing is falling into his arms of Grace and Love.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Moving foward
I am laying on my couch, just had a bowl of chicken corn soup brought by my dear sister, and dosing in and out of sleeping. I can't even begin to express to all of you what a relief it is to have this behind me. It went better then the dr. could have imagined. As I woke up Dr. Arcara (my Doctor who is the best!) said I asked immediately if she had to do a hysterectomy, and she replied with a "no". A flood of relief and renewed hope washed over me all at once. I am feeling better now then I have in months. My levels are already dropping and she said it looks like she got all of the "mole" out. I will journal again soon, just wanted you all to hear how well I am doing, and that your prayers were felt and appreciated. We will continue to need them as now we heal emotionally. I am rejoicing and praising my God!
Let the healing begin - by Kevin
The surgery is complete, Beth is doing good. Her Dr. said that it went very smoothly, and they were able to remove the tissue without damaging Beth's uterus. Thank you so much for prayers and support this morning.
A huge burden has been lifted off of us today, but there is still much healing to be done in our lives right now. Not only the healing that Beth's body will require, but the emotional healing of the reality that we have lost another life. God has carried us through these last few days, and I know that he will continue to carry us.
Praise God for who he is.
Thank you God for protecting Beth today during her surgery.
-Kevin
A huge burden has been lifted off of us today, but there is still much healing to be done in our lives right now. Not only the healing that Beth's body will require, but the emotional healing of the reality that we have lost another life. God has carried us through these last few days, and I know that he will continue to carry us.
Praise God for who he is.
Thank you God for protecting Beth today during her surgery.
-Kevin
Restless Nights
I am awake and unable to make this tired and weary body rest. My thoughts are all over the place, so I have my Ipod on listening to as much healing praise music that I can. It is amazing what a few seconds can do. In a few seconds mine and Kevin's life was altered in a way that has forever changed the two of us. After my surgery this morning we will start a whole new journey. Healing, grieving and waiting. For the first month after loosing Judah I will have to walk into an obgyn office once a week and get my blood taken, it will be a constant reminder of what I have just gone through. After the first month then I go once a month for six months. During this time Kevin and I may not try for a baby. If all goes well today, and all goes well after the six months we can maybe try but they usually recommend one year. Seems like eternity to Kevin and I. Not sure what the next year will look like for us. I try to imagine it, try to picture it but you can't wrap your mind around it. I anticipate that in a year many of my closest friends and family will begin trying for a second. It has separated us from those who have families, we look in through a glass window and long for a family of our own. But we know that for God's ultimate Glory his is asking us to wait, to accomplish other things. I believe that he will give us so much joy in the midst of an empty house. I know he will bless us, with things we could never picture or imagine, that is exciting!
As I lay here of course my anxious thoughts are about the surgery. You just never know how it will go. I tell Kevin all the time that I have the easiest part really. I go to sleep, and when I wake it could be an hour or it could be four hours, it feels all the same to me. But my poor husband and family the time seems to move so slowly as they anticipate the outcome. I really hope it goes quickly for them. I pray for my Dr. that she will have skilled and patient hands, and I pray that every cell will be removed so that there is no chance for cancer. We will post and we will email how everything goes at some point tomorrow. I know many of you who are close want to come and sit at the hospital but we are asking that you don't. I feel it might be to overwhelming. However I do ask that everyone who believes in prayer to begin praying hard at 10am. It is amazing how God is bringing people all across this nation who have never met to pray together, truly overwhelming for Kevin and I. Thank you so much!
As I lay here of course my anxious thoughts are about the surgery. You just never know how it will go. I tell Kevin all the time that I have the easiest part really. I go to sleep, and when I wake it could be an hour or it could be four hours, it feels all the same to me. But my poor husband and family the time seems to move so slowly as they anticipate the outcome. I really hope it goes quickly for them. I pray for my Dr. that she will have skilled and patient hands, and I pray that every cell will be removed so that there is no chance for cancer. We will post and we will email how everything goes at some point tomorrow. I know many of you who are close want to come and sit at the hospital but we are asking that you don't. I feel it might be to overwhelming. However I do ask that everyone who believes in prayer to begin praying hard at 10am. It is amazing how God is bringing people all across this nation who have never met to pray together, truly overwhelming for Kevin and I. Thank you so much!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Overwhelmed - by Kevin
I sit before the computer in hopes to explain to you, my feelings in hopes that by writing out how I feel - you can see that, while I am greatly saddened by what has happened on Wednesday, I also know more than ever that I serve a God that Loves so much. And without his love, I would be lost.
Beth and I went to church this morning, I'll be honest, a lot of me didn't want to go today. It is difficult to be around so many people, some knowing what has happened, and some that didn't know. As we sang, and worshiped our Lord God Beth whispered in my ear, "this is a good song for us." We sing this song very often at our church, and it really spoke to us today. I wish I could type out all the lyrics, but I just can't remember them right now (Come to church with us and I know that you'll hear it soon) the words that spoke to me (and Beth) were:
It was my hope two weeks ago, that I could write you a blog with pictures showing the final touches of my hardwood floor project. While I only need to put down 250 more square feet, I know that it will take a while. It is hard to comprehend grief, but it seems to make things 10 times harder to complete. For the first time since hearing the devastating news about yet another loss, I decided today to begin working on the floors once again. Last weekend, it was easy for me to go through ten boxes of wood without taking as much as 10 minutes to rest. Today I struggled to get through one box. Each piece of wood seemed to weight 30 pounds, each trip down the stairs to my saw seemed like 10 flights of stairs. When I finished one box (20 square feet) I was exhausted, I couldn't do any more, and I just sat down, and decided that the floors would wait for another day. You'll have to wait a few more weeks to see the pictures of the final product. It will be worth the wait.
Thank you for your prayers, and support. They have meant more to us than you'll ever know.
-Kevin
PS - Please, please, please, if you don't know the love, power, and worth of my God that I talked about, come talk to me or someone else about him. His love and grace will overwhelm you.
Beth and I went to church this morning, I'll be honest, a lot of me didn't want to go today. It is difficult to be around so many people, some knowing what has happened, and some that didn't know. As we sang, and worshiped our Lord God Beth whispered in my ear, "this is a good song for us." We sing this song very often at our church, and it really spoke to us today. I wish I could type out all the lyrics, but I just can't remember them right now (Come to church with us and I know that you'll hear it soon) the words that spoke to me (and Beth) were:
"We worship you because of who you are"
It is easy for us to praise God because of something he did for us. Or easy for us to praise God for a promise he has given us, or because we enjoy singing. But that's not why we are supposed to praise him - we worship him because of who he is, not for any other reason, than because he is worthy of our praise.
I thought this pregnancy was going to be different than what happened a year ago, because I did all the "things" I was supposed to. I prayed, fasted, tithed beyond our means, read God's word, obeyed his commands, so why then am I going through this grief now? I am learning that we can't do all those things in order to get something from God. We do those things to bring Glory to God, and to praise him, and for no other reason. I believe that God will bless those that serve him, but it is rarely in the ways that we expect him to. I will continue to pray, fast, tithe, read, praise, etc. but not so that God will give us a child, but because I love God, and I want to serve him, and I want to bring Glory to his name.
I don't know why this happened to us, but I know that through this God's glory will shine through Beth and I, if that's the only reason that we are in this storm, that is good enough for me. Many people have given us encouraging words of scripture regarding Job's struggle through this. Even though Job was repaid in the end for his suffering, I'm sure that if he had his druthers, he would have rather not gone through that junk, and just kept living life as normal. So why did God allow that suffering? The greatest thing that came from this battle was that God received praise, glory, and honor during his suffering. And the best part is that is was right in the face of Satan.
As I mentioned above, as I deal with this grief caused by the evil one, my only response is to praise God and give him glory, and honor. Satan has now delivered two blows to us, in hopes of keeping us down, but he can not, and will not prevail, we have already won by the blood of Jesus.
It was my hope two weeks ago, that I could write you a blog with pictures showing the final touches of my hardwood floor project. While I only need to put down 250 more square feet, I know that it will take a while. It is hard to comprehend grief, but it seems to make things 10 times harder to complete. For the first time since hearing the devastating news about yet another loss, I decided today to begin working on the floors once again. Last weekend, it was easy for me to go through ten boxes of wood without taking as much as 10 minutes to rest. Today I struggled to get through one box. Each piece of wood seemed to weight 30 pounds, each trip down the stairs to my saw seemed like 10 flights of stairs. When I finished one box (20 square feet) I was exhausted, I couldn't do any more, and I just sat down, and decided that the floors would wait for another day. You'll have to wait a few more weeks to see the pictures of the final product. It will be worth the wait.
Thank you for your prayers, and support. They have meant more to us than you'll ever know.
-Kevin
PS - Please, please, please, if you don't know the love, power, and worth of my God that I talked about, come talk to me or someone else about him. His love and grace will overwhelm you.
Paising God because of WHO he is!
A couple of months ago I started this website http://www.babycrowd.com/jr/online/tannerbaby/welcome.html. I was going to share with everyone once we had a picture of the baby to post up. I decided to go ahead and post it because I believe it is important to see what a joy this pregnancy brought Kevin and I. In my darkest moments I relive finding out, just to hold on for a couple more seconds to that pure undeniable joy. Months ago God gave me Psalm 22: 1-5
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, and am not silent.
YET you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the praise of Israel,
In you are fathers put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
They cried to you, and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not disappointed.
I believe that Kevin and I will not be disappointed, we are not let down by our God, we hang on to his promises and we will praise him during our suffering. Oh how I long for those of you who are reading this who do not believe in God to realize what a loving God he is and to fall into his arms, because if I turn away from God at this moment all I see is darkness, but instead in the midst of the greatest sorrow I truly have joy.
To be honest one of the things I am struggling with the most is how to pray. I believe that the God who is today is the same God is was yesterday and who will be tomorrow. I believe that the miracles that happen in the Bible can and still happen today. I truly believe that. I have had some people pray that as I go in tomorrow and they do an ultra sound before my surgery that they will see a baby. If this was not happening to me, I would probably pray the same thing for someone else. How come it is so hard to believe that for myself. Why don't I have that peace. I settle all these feelings by laying my hands open to God, declaring that he is God and my life is his to do whatever brings him the most glory, and that means placing a miracle baby in my womb tomorrow I will praise him with the greatest of praises. But if he chooses to say no, because he has a greater plan then I will praise him with the greatest of praises. I do not praise God because of what he does, I praise God because of who he is!
Sunday
As I awoke this morning, got bathed once again in the grief, I finally started allowing myself to really walk through the days to come. Tomorrow is the surgery and I have such mixed emotions. On one hand I am so grateful that we only have to go through one more day, that by tomorrow night my hormone levels, that are so extremely high, will began to level out to normal which will make me feel better, that this surgery will not be hanging over us like the dark cloud that it has been, and that the healing process will begin. On the other hand, I am not ready for life to get back to normal, for Kevin to go to work, to not feel pregnant anymore, because all these things say it is final. So I am stuck in such a confusing emotional twist in my journey. Time will continue to go on, and life must be lived. As badly as we want to stay at this point, and in our hearts we want everyone to stay here with us, once again this is not the heart of God. I guess my prayer request for this moment in time is for courage, courage to move forward and walk head first into this grief, and this unknown. I of course fear the outcome of the surgery but know I am in palm of Gods hand, pray that as tomorrow morning approaches that comfort and security will be there, not only for me but for Kevin and my family too.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Servants Heart
Kevin and I are both amazed at the love we have felt from every direction. In times of grief it is amazing how little energy you have to do such mindless task that usually come easy. For instance; laundry, cooking, making the bed, mowing the lawn, even taking out the trash have become monstrous task that lay at hand. I think in a way this is exactly how the Lord wants it to be, so that you find yourself in desperate need of help, so that you are in need of your Christian Family. At first Kevin and I have felt so bad asking for help, it is humbling and hurts your pride as you are admitting that you just can't do it. But as we have asked for help the out poor of love has been more then we can even fathom. Today our pastor came and mowed our lawn. As we heard the lawn mower kick up, Kevin looks at me and states how difficult this is. You feel so helpless and overwhelmed that someone would do this monstrous task for you. I think that receiving the help is almost more difficult then asking for it. We feel so loved, so embraced and so taken care of, and through each servants heart that helps with dinner, mowing the lawn, laundry, or whatever it might be, Kevin and I once again get a glimpse of the Almighty's heart.
So thank you. Thank you for loving us, for carrying us through this and for serving us in ways we never imagined. Your love, your service, your heart is helping us heal, grieve, and live.
So thank you. Thank you for loving us, for carrying us through this and for serving us in ways we never imagined. Your love, your service, your heart is helping us heal, grieve, and live.
Morning light
Every morning as I began to wake up, the wave of grief passes through my body once again. I just lay here and embrace the moment, let myself really feel the grief and allowing God to reveal new wonders to me. This morning as I was reading my other bolgs from the other day, God once again pointed me in the direction of purpose. Realizing that yes my purpose is to bring more people into the Kingdom, but beyond even that it is to bring more Glory to God. That is his heart.
I have to believe that this pain that I feel that is so strong and sometimes breathtaking, making me stop right where I am would be much stronger if the Father was not carrying most of the burden for me. I think we often forget that he wants me to lay it down, wants me to give it to Him, and I am offering it to him daily. It is the heart of God to take our pain and to heal.
I can remember when my Grandmother "Grammy" who held a very special spot in my heart got the news that she had cancer. I was sophomore in college. That night after the diagnosis, when it was really late I quietly went down to her house (she lived with us) and climbed into her bed and curled up with her. I began crying asking her why God would do this, and all she kept saying was how close she was to the heart of God. As her cancer began to increase and she became sicker there was one night real late that I ran up to the hospital to see if she was doing okay. I quietly opened her door and she was laying awake in her hospital bed. When she saw me she said "Oh Bethy come climb in bed with me." I once again climbed in and we curled up together. I asked her "Gram, why is this happening to you?" and her reply has stayed close to my heart all these years. She stroked my hair, wiped away my tears and said "Oh Bethy if you knew how close I was to Christ right now because of this suffering, you would not feel sorry for me. Be Brave Bethy, Be Brave...."
I have those words written in my Bible, but they are etched into my heart. And with every suffering storm along the journey that we walk, those words get etched in a little deeper. If you allow the storm to sweep you up and you get lost in the grief and self pity you miss what God is trying to show you, His Heart. But if you allow the storm to come, and you crawl on the the Wings of Christ as you began to soar you realize you are getting a glimpse of the fathers heart, he has so many things he want to show you. And as he begins to pour out the wonders and truths, they become the healing balm to your aching heart.
I have to believe that this pain that I feel that is so strong and sometimes breathtaking, making me stop right where I am would be much stronger if the Father was not carrying most of the burden for me. I think we often forget that he wants me to lay it down, wants me to give it to Him, and I am offering it to him daily. It is the heart of God to take our pain and to heal.
I can remember when my Grandmother "Grammy" who held a very special spot in my heart got the news that she had cancer. I was sophomore in college. That night after the diagnosis, when it was really late I quietly went down to her house (she lived with us) and climbed into her bed and curled up with her. I began crying asking her why God would do this, and all she kept saying was how close she was to the heart of God. As her cancer began to increase and she became sicker there was one night real late that I ran up to the hospital to see if she was doing okay. I quietly opened her door and she was laying awake in her hospital bed. When she saw me she said "Oh Bethy come climb in bed with me." I once again climbed in and we curled up together. I asked her "Gram, why is this happening to you?" and her reply has stayed close to my heart all these years. She stroked my hair, wiped away my tears and said "Oh Bethy if you knew how close I was to Christ right now because of this suffering, you would not feel sorry for me. Be Brave Bethy, Be Brave...."
I have those words written in my Bible, but they are etched into my heart. And with every suffering storm along the journey that we walk, those words get etched in a little deeper. If you allow the storm to sweep you up and you get lost in the grief and self pity you miss what God is trying to show you, His Heart. But if you allow the storm to come, and you crawl on the the Wings of Christ as you began to soar you realize you are getting a glimpse of the fathers heart, he has so many things he want to show you. And as he begins to pour out the wonders and truths, they become the healing balm to your aching heart.
Friday, June 6, 2008
walk in the park
So with the ectopic pregnancy, Eddie, it was all a shock and a rush into emergency surgery. With Judah (which is how I am going to be referring to this pregnancy) it has been a shock and then a waiting game. We have four days of waiting, where I am still throwing up, still feeling very pregnant am constantly reminded that I am not carrying a baby. A hard concept to grasp at times. What do we do with these four days? We have stayed in a lot, huddle down and just enjoyed each other and our dogs. We venture out occasionally and I somehow expect the world to know that mine has stopped, but of course that is not what happens. Rather you still see smiling face, laughing children, working people, because life just goes on. But even Kevin and I are still living. We drove over to the park with the dogs and played in the creek, we laughed and giggled and smiled, how can that be in such tragedy? My only explanation is the unexplained joy that comes from the father. I am realizing that Eddie was my wake up but Judah,...Well Judah is saving me. God is revealing more to me now in this fire then I have ever imagined. And I am open, my heart is ready and wanting to hear from the father. I want to know his voice and I am not sure how much I know it, but I beginning to really listen.
We were given this verse in Psalms and I am holding onto it with a tight grip-
Psalms 34:18
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit"
And he is so close to us right now.
We were given this verse in Psalms and I am holding onto it with a tight grip-
Psalms 34:18
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit"
And he is so close to us right now.
The only thing I know to do
The only thing I know to do, and the only thing that seems clear in this moment of grief is to write and to share my heart. The only reason I feel I can do this is because I am believing that these storms during the journey are purely to bring more people into the Kingdom of God. I find peace when I think about touching someones life for Christ, then I know it is all worth it.
When I think about my purpose in life my thoughts always take me to the heart of being a mother. It is interesting to me that I did not always have this heart. Actually in our home (sorry if this offends anyone) We would make fun of those having kids. I mean, we would always be joyful and excited but then we would laugh that their life of freedom was slowing closing in. We took very careful measures to make sure I would not get pregnant, and I can remember if I thought I was we would be a bit scared. These feelings seem so distant and foreign to me now. It seems that one day I woke up and all of the sudden all I desired was a baby to call my own. Nothing else seemed to matter. I did not want to work, I did not want to be anything else. All I wanted was a family of my own. I have to believe that my heart change was from the Lord, that He was allowing me to feel what most women at one point in their lives feel. It took a bit longer for Kevin, he was always open to the idea, and of course always wanted to be a father but I think in his mind he was thinking "we have the rest of our lives." It has been enchanting to sit back and watch my husbands heart change from one day wanting children to the burning desire to be a father. Our hearts began to take on different roles, especially after we found out we were pregnant a year ago.
It took 11 months after loosing Eddie to getting pregnant the second time. For those women who are reading this who struggled getting pregnant, you know my heart when I say each month is a year. A period which is a blessing and sign that you can have babies becomes the dreaded curse at the end of each month. Each pregnancy test that has a negative sign, becomes a slap in the face, each friend that finds out is pregnant becomes salt to the wound, and it never gets easy. I will say that I believe this is the most refining journey a women can go on. We were designed to have children, that is how God created us, so when that is stripped away or challenged in a women's journey it is extremely refining. It makes me ask the question, if I can't be a mother what is my purpose?
And this is what I am beginning to see, if you strip away being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a co-worker, an aunt and so on what are you left with, what are you really. Our deepest purpose I have to believe goes beyond all those things, yes each one of those standing alone in importance but truly what is deeper then that. People. Their hearts. Their souls. The Kingdom, that is the purpose. Bringing people to God, that is everyones purpose if you are a believer. Sometimes though, it is not the purpose you want, but you are called to. This is a time when the "sacrifice of praise" takes on a new meaning. This storm will be wasted if I don't give glory to God. But it is hard, it is really hard. Some moments my friends are some of the darkest moments I have ever felt. It sounds great, but living it is a whole new journey.
When I think about my purpose in life my thoughts always take me to the heart of being a mother. It is interesting to me that I did not always have this heart. Actually in our home (sorry if this offends anyone) We would make fun of those having kids. I mean, we would always be joyful and excited but then we would laugh that their life of freedom was slowing closing in. We took very careful measures to make sure I would not get pregnant, and I can remember if I thought I was we would be a bit scared. These feelings seem so distant and foreign to me now. It seems that one day I woke up and all of the sudden all I desired was a baby to call my own. Nothing else seemed to matter. I did not want to work, I did not want to be anything else. All I wanted was a family of my own. I have to believe that my heart change was from the Lord, that He was allowing me to feel what most women at one point in their lives feel. It took a bit longer for Kevin, he was always open to the idea, and of course always wanted to be a father but I think in his mind he was thinking "we have the rest of our lives." It has been enchanting to sit back and watch my husbands heart change from one day wanting children to the burning desire to be a father. Our hearts began to take on different roles, especially after we found out we were pregnant a year ago.
It took 11 months after loosing Eddie to getting pregnant the second time. For those women who are reading this who struggled getting pregnant, you know my heart when I say each month is a year. A period which is a blessing and sign that you can have babies becomes the dreaded curse at the end of each month. Each pregnancy test that has a negative sign, becomes a slap in the face, each friend that finds out is pregnant becomes salt to the wound, and it never gets easy. I will say that I believe this is the most refining journey a women can go on. We were designed to have children, that is how God created us, so when that is stripped away or challenged in a women's journey it is extremely refining. It makes me ask the question, if I can't be a mother what is my purpose?
And this is what I am beginning to see, if you strip away being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a co-worker, an aunt and so on what are you left with, what are you really. Our deepest purpose I have to believe goes beyond all those things, yes each one of those standing alone in importance but truly what is deeper then that. People. Their hearts. Their souls. The Kingdom, that is the purpose. Bringing people to God, that is everyones purpose if you are a believer. Sometimes though, it is not the purpose you want, but you are called to. This is a time when the "sacrifice of praise" takes on a new meaning. This storm will be wasted if I don't give glory to God. But it is hard, it is really hard. Some moments my friends are some of the darkest moments I have ever felt. It sounds great, but living it is a whole new journey.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
our hearts at 4am
Dear Family and Friends,
It is 4am in the morning and Kevin and I find ourselves awake laying in bed with broken hearts. The only thing I know to do is to share with our closest friends and family the journey that God has chosen us once again to walk through. In the midst of heartache we long for our hearts to be vulnerable and honest in hopes to give the Lord God all the praise he deserves. As many of you know Kevin and I have been on the journey of trying to have a child of our own, this has proven to be one of the hardest things either of us have ever gone through. After loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy just a year ago, we started to really pray specific prayers regarding a child. Two months ago our prayer was answered, as I had found a positive pregnancy test thrown away in the trash can (you really have to wait the full 3 minutes I guess....) We were both excited, nervous and overwhelmed with in moments. Each week that passed from that one was nothing more then pure joy as we shared with many of you and our family. Hearing the excitement in everyone voice was music to our ears because we had so longed for that day. I had an ultra sound that proved it was not an ectopic pregnancy and we were once again filled with an unbelievable joy. We started right a way getting the home ready for this little one. I would talk to the baby in the morning, telling it how much I loved it. We would pray over that little one every night for protection and safety, all things any mother and father do who so desperately want to see this child in there arms in the end. We believed it, and in the midst of our still worried hearts we would pray that God would help us with our unbelief.
Yesterday was my OBGYN physical, it is the first appointment of many to come and we were excited, knowing that I was just around 10 weeks we would get to see our baby for the first time and hopefully even see or hear a beautiful heart beat. Everything was looking perfect, everything down to my weight which many of you know in my mind is not perfect but my DR. was so pleased. As we waited for her to get the U/S (ultra sound) ready we were all babbling about how exciting this was going to be. And in a matter of seconds our live's were altered as there was no baby in my uterus, instead there was abnormal tissue swelling in my uterus. We knew immediately that something was wrong as my Dr. began to say how sorry she was over and over again. My only response in that moment was to make sure it was not a dream then I began to pray and praise my God. If you want more information as to what this is you can look up Molar Pregnancy for all the harsh details that I do not have energy to do.
Now I am left in a state of unbelief and in so many ways feel lost and not sure which direction I need to go. Kevin and I are both deeply hurt, our hearts hurting so badly as we grieve what we thought was a little baby and our grief of once again letting Go of our dreams for God dreams. I know God did not intend to do this, he is a good God, who loves his children. He did not set out to attack Kevin and I, In fact I know that I know that I know God was in that dr. .office room as we found out holding our hands, catching our tears and crying right there with his children. He did not do this to me, he allowed it to happen knowing that Kevin and I will not curse our God, will not back down, and will not give up believing in the God who performs miracles and loves us deeply. God is using us to hopefully reach others with his amazing love, these are the real times, when your faith becomes real, and my faith is real..
I have surgery Monday Morning at 10am. If you believe in prayer we need it, and if you don't believe in prayer maybe you should. Although this is an outpatient surgery, this is a risky procedure, as they go into my uterus to remove the tissue there is a chances I will hemorrhage and they will have to remove my uterus, which we are asking the Lord that this not happen. There is also a risk of getting cancer cells from the tissue that leaks into my bloodstream, if this happens I have do go through Chemo therapy, we are also praying this does not happen. We need your support and love more then anything. Kevin and I have always said that our lives are not our own, that they are Gods to use however he sees fit, we will not question, doubt or accuse our God for this. He already knows how much we are hurting and I truly believe he is hurting with us. We will praise God because where praise is the presence of the Lord is and where the presence of the Lord is Satan CANNOT DWELL, so our home will be a home of praise as we grieve the loss of this pregnancy. We know that there was never a life with me, but there was a pregnancy, and we loved something very much that was never there so for me and for Kevin we decided to once again to name this little pregnancy Judah- Judah means praise. We feel it is fitting for where we are.
Tomorrow- or rather today is Kevin and I 4 year anniversary. This happend last year as well, I was just getting home form the hospital and healing over our last anniversary. They are special to us, I told Kevin tonight I would not trade anything for our marriage, we are best friends tied so close to the heart that no one can get in, we are each others comfort, I could not go through this if my marriage was not were it is. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. In the midst of trial God gives you things to hold onto, I am so glad mine is Kevin. Thank you Lord!
It is 4am in the morning and Kevin and I find ourselves awake laying in bed with broken hearts. The only thing I know to do is to share with our closest friends and family the journey that God has chosen us once again to walk through. In the midst of heartache we long for our hearts to be vulnerable and honest in hopes to give the Lord God all the praise he deserves. As many of you know Kevin and I have been on the journey of trying to have a child of our own, this has proven to be one of the hardest things either of us have ever gone through. After loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy just a year ago, we started to really pray specific prayers regarding a child. Two months ago our prayer was answered, as I had found a positive pregnancy test thrown away in the trash can (you really have to wait the full 3 minutes I guess....) We were both excited, nervous and overwhelmed with in moments. Each week that passed from that one was nothing more then pure joy as we shared with many of you and our family. Hearing the excitement in everyone voice was music to our ears because we had so longed for that day. I had an ultra sound that proved it was not an ectopic pregnancy and we were once again filled with an unbelievable joy. We started right a way getting the home ready for this little one. I would talk to the baby in the morning, telling it how much I loved it. We would pray over that little one every night for protection and safety, all things any mother and father do who so desperately want to see this child in there arms in the end. We believed it, and in the midst of our still worried hearts we would pray that God would help us with our unbelief.
Yesterday was my OBGYN physical, it is the first appointment of many to come and we were excited, knowing that I was just around 10 weeks we would get to see our baby for the first time and hopefully even see or hear a beautiful heart beat. Everything was looking perfect, everything down to my weight which many of you know in my mind is not perfect but my DR. was so pleased. As we waited for her to get the U/S (ultra sound) ready we were all babbling about how exciting this was going to be. And in a matter of seconds our live's were altered as there was no baby in my uterus, instead there was abnormal tissue swelling in my uterus. We knew immediately that something was wrong as my Dr. began to say how sorry she was over and over again. My only response in that moment was to make sure it was not a dream then I began to pray and praise my God. If you want more information as to what this is you can look up Molar Pregnancy for all the harsh details that I do not have energy to do.
Now I am left in a state of unbelief and in so many ways feel lost and not sure which direction I need to go. Kevin and I are both deeply hurt, our hearts hurting so badly as we grieve what we thought was a little baby and our grief of once again letting Go of our dreams for God dreams. I know God did not intend to do this, he is a good God, who loves his children. He did not set out to attack Kevin and I, In fact I know that I know that I know God was in that dr. .office room as we found out holding our hands, catching our tears and crying right there with his children. He did not do this to me, he allowed it to happen knowing that Kevin and I will not curse our God, will not back down, and will not give up believing in the God who performs miracles and loves us deeply. God is using us to hopefully reach others with his amazing love, these are the real times, when your faith becomes real, and my faith is real..
I have surgery Monday Morning at 10am. If you believe in prayer we need it, and if you don't believe in prayer maybe you should. Although this is an outpatient surgery, this is a risky procedure, as they go into my uterus to remove the tissue there is a chances I will hemorrhage and they will have to remove my uterus, which we are asking the Lord that this not happen. There is also a risk of getting cancer cells from the tissue that leaks into my bloodstream, if this happens I have do go through Chemo therapy, we are also praying this does not happen. We need your support and love more then anything. Kevin and I have always said that our lives are not our own, that they are Gods to use however he sees fit, we will not question, doubt or accuse our God for this. He already knows how much we are hurting and I truly believe he is hurting with us. We will praise God because where praise is the presence of the Lord is and where the presence of the Lord is Satan CANNOT DWELL, so our home will be a home of praise as we grieve the loss of this pregnancy. We know that there was never a life with me, but there was a pregnancy, and we loved something very much that was never there so for me and for Kevin we decided to once again to name this little pregnancy Judah- Judah means praise. We feel it is fitting for where we are.
Tomorrow- or rather today is Kevin and I 4 year anniversary. This happend last year as well, I was just getting home form the hospital and healing over our last anniversary. They are special to us, I told Kevin tonight I would not trade anything for our marriage, we are best friends tied so close to the heart that no one can get in, we are each others comfort, I could not go through this if my marriage was not were it is. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. In the midst of trial God gives you things to hold onto, I am so glad mine is Kevin. Thank you Lord!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Happy Birthday Eddie Boy
Eddie-
You are our first little one, I remember the first time I found out I was pregnant with you and joy filled my heart. From the moment I found out I was in love with you. I would sit and dream about what you would look like and what we would name you. I only got to experience you growing within me for 17 short days, they were precious and heart wrenching as we felt deep within that God was going to take you to be with him. You were ten weeks old, had little hands with ten little fingers and little feet with ten little toes, you had a beautiful heart beat and the Doctors say you were an active baby growing big because you made my levels rise so high. You have influenced our lives making us appreciate every moment God gives us. You were and still are a gift that no one can ever take away, you are precious to Kevin and I and we love you now and will love you every day until we get to see you in heaven. You made me a mother and for that I am forever grateful. Happy birthday little one!
You are our first little one, I remember the first time I found out I was pregnant with you and joy filled my heart. From the moment I found out I was in love with you. I would sit and dream about what you would look like and what we would name you. I only got to experience you growing within me for 17 short days, they were precious and heart wrenching as we felt deep within that God was going to take you to be with him. You were ten weeks old, had little hands with ten little fingers and little feet with ten little toes, you had a beautiful heart beat and the Doctors say you were an active baby growing big because you made my levels rise so high. You have influenced our lives making us appreciate every moment God gives us. You were and still are a gift that no one can ever take away, you are precious to Kevin and I and we love you now and will love you every day until we get to see you in heaven. You made me a mother and for that I am forever grateful. Happy birthday little one!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
What did you do over Memorial Day weekend??
This is Kevin - typing my 2nd blog ever, Every 3 months seems about a good amount of time for me to take a break and tell you what I've been up to. Seems like every spring time, for some reason or another I get suckered into doing a large project on my house. This year it is putting this:
Into this:
And this:
And this:
Into this:
And this:
And this:
Yup 39 boxes of Maple floors are going into the house. It wil look nice and we got a great deal on the floors, but it will take some time to make it happen.
We'll post pictures of the final product when it's all in - it may be a few weeks (months)
Monday, May 19, 2008
Every Second Counts
Part II of my story
I got up early the next morning before my alarm was set to go off, to get ready to leave. As I was lying in bed I was talking to the Lord about how each second of my day is planned. If I left ten minutes later maybe I would hit a car that would not have been there If only I had left ten minutes earlier. So I was asking the Lord what time he wanted me to leave. I got up packed up and headed on my eight hour drive. An hour down the road I pulled over and threw up, not a great start to my day. I must of pulled over a hundred times to pee and every place I pulled over it was an exit where the gas station was 2 miles down the road. Then I pulled over to fill up my 64 ounce jug of water with ice, and of course had to go to the bathroom so I took my heavy jug in with me. Not wanting to put it on the floor I propped it up on the toilet paper thing just for a second so I could get situated then I was going to hold it, but I did not get the chance to hold it because it fell and hit my eye and gave me a one inch gash and a swollen eye. I sat and cried and kept asking the Lord why this trip home was so hard. I finally pulled into my driveway 10 ½ hours later. Stressed, bruised and upset, but home. Kevin’s cousin was in town and they decided to go and get pizza so I decided to take a walk. The dogs and I started our walk around our neighborhood when I turned down a street and saw a young girl, all dressed up sitting on her luggage, a ton of luggage. I first passed her and noticed she was crying but would not look at me, when I came back around I asked her if she was okay. She quickly said no and told me she needed to charge her phone and the only way she could do that was with a car because she only had a car phone charger. I told her I would get my car and come back to her. I quickly walked home called Kevin explained what was happening and got in the car. As I pulled up, her first response to me was “thank you for coming back..” I asked her if there was anything else I could do and she asked if I would take her to the airport and I of course said yes. So we stuffed all her luggage in my car and started our short drive.
I asked her what was wrong and here is her story….
“….I am from Chicago, I was working for a pimp when he became abusive. I tried to get away but could not afford to go anywhere until I met a family here in North Carolina who said they would give me a job and help me out. So I came here and lived with them and trusted them but they stole all my money and all my things and kicked me out and told me to never come back again. I don’t know anyone here so I did know who to call. Now I am worthless, I have sold my body, given everything away and have nothing to show for it. I am worth nothing and can never do anything with my life, who is ever going to want me.”
As I sat there and listened to her in awe, my heart began to break with the fathers love. There was no condemnation, no judgment, all there was, was love. There was nothing but pure heartbroken love for this child of God. So I told her that, I told her that Jesus loved her that he was crying out to her and he did not care about her past he wanted her future. She said that her parents would fly her back to Chicago if she would go to school and live at home and that was what she was going to go and do. I dropped her off at the airport with my phone number a hug and an I love you. As I pulled away I prayed for this child, that she would know Christ, because that is all that matters.
Then I was reminded of my day, how from the start I gave my day to God for him to use. So now I challenge you, the next time you get stopped in traffic, are running late, get behind a slow person or things don’t go as planned, open your eyes up to what the Lord is doing, because you don’t want to pass the person God wanted you to meet because you were to concerned about the meeting of dinner you were running late for!
I got up early the next morning before my alarm was set to go off, to get ready to leave. As I was lying in bed I was talking to the Lord about how each second of my day is planned. If I left ten minutes later maybe I would hit a car that would not have been there If only I had left ten minutes earlier. So I was asking the Lord what time he wanted me to leave. I got up packed up and headed on my eight hour drive. An hour down the road I pulled over and threw up, not a great start to my day. I must of pulled over a hundred times to pee and every place I pulled over it was an exit where the gas station was 2 miles down the road. Then I pulled over to fill up my 64 ounce jug of water with ice, and of course had to go to the bathroom so I took my heavy jug in with me. Not wanting to put it on the floor I propped it up on the toilet paper thing just for a second so I could get situated then I was going to hold it, but I did not get the chance to hold it because it fell and hit my eye and gave me a one inch gash and a swollen eye. I sat and cried and kept asking the Lord why this trip home was so hard. I finally pulled into my driveway 10 ½ hours later. Stressed, bruised and upset, but home. Kevin’s cousin was in town and they decided to go and get pizza so I decided to take a walk. The dogs and I started our walk around our neighborhood when I turned down a street and saw a young girl, all dressed up sitting on her luggage, a ton of luggage. I first passed her and noticed she was crying but would not look at me, when I came back around I asked her if she was okay. She quickly said no and told me she needed to charge her phone and the only way she could do that was with a car because she only had a car phone charger. I told her I would get my car and come back to her. I quickly walked home called Kevin explained what was happening and got in the car. As I pulled up, her first response to me was “thank you for coming back..” I asked her if there was anything else I could do and she asked if I would take her to the airport and I of course said yes. So we stuffed all her luggage in my car and started our short drive.
I asked her what was wrong and here is her story….
“….I am from Chicago, I was working for a pimp when he became abusive. I tried to get away but could not afford to go anywhere until I met a family here in North Carolina who said they would give me a job and help me out. So I came here and lived with them and trusted them but they stole all my money and all my things and kicked me out and told me to never come back again. I don’t know anyone here so I did know who to call. Now I am worthless, I have sold my body, given everything away and have nothing to show for it. I am worth nothing and can never do anything with my life, who is ever going to want me.”
As I sat there and listened to her in awe, my heart began to break with the fathers love. There was no condemnation, no judgment, all there was, was love. There was nothing but pure heartbroken love for this child of God. So I told her that, I told her that Jesus loved her that he was crying out to her and he did not care about her past he wanted her future. She said that her parents would fly her back to Chicago if she would go to school and live at home and that was what she was going to go and do. I dropped her off at the airport with my phone number a hug and an I love you. As I pulled away I prayed for this child, that she would know Christ, because that is all that matters.
Then I was reminded of my day, how from the start I gave my day to God for him to use. So now I challenge you, the next time you get stopped in traffic, are running late, get behind a slow person or things don’t go as planned, open your eyes up to what the Lord is doing, because you don’t want to pass the person God wanted you to meet because you were to concerned about the meeting of dinner you were running late for!
Dumpster Diving (you know you want too....)
Oh I just have to share this story with you guys. Last week I went and visited my good friend Jamie, and what a week it was. First of all I drove eight hours down there last Monday; this actually was not that bad. Once I got down there it was great and Jamie and I had so much fun. I even got to see Jodi which was a blast.
Now many of you don’t know this but Kevin and I have actually become amazing dumpster divers. What is this you may ask? Well here is the correct vocab for exactly what we do… “Dumpster diving is the practice of sifting through commercial or residential trash to find items that have been discarded by their owners, but which may be useful to the Dumpster diver.”
Oh gross you may say, but actually you would be surprised as to what Kevin and I have found here are just a few examples….
Webkinz (8 brand new) beanie babies, L.L Bean bags (brand new), Toys still in package, Christmas ribbon (brand new), folders and cards, paper shredder, office chair (still in box worth $200), Rope, knee pads (for working on laying floors and stuff….a kev find!) lights, blankets, craft supplies, dog food, dog treats, dog toys, burts bees soap, organic body wash, calendars (2008) and the list goes on.
I have actually taken loads of stuff to Goodwill just to get back into the system. Where do you go? May be the next question on your mind, well we go all kinds of places however our most successful visits have been, Michaels, Office Max and Depot, Kmart, Dollar General, Hallmark….
We go late at night and we try not to draw any attention. I looked this up to see if this was illegal and could not find anything that says so, so we always just try to stay in the dark and leave when we see someone coming. It is a rush and so much fun.
Now while in PA I had told Jamie about this and she was just dying to go, and so was her neighbor who is 7 months pregnant. So we decided to make it a girls night out and we go dumpster diving. Jamie’s husband was having a hard time with this and was afraid we would get arrested, however when Jamie brought home a Leather office chair still in the box he was a little more encouraging the next time we decided to go.
We kept joking that it would be so crazy if we did get arrested….but I never thought cops would really pull us over. However we decided to go by one last place and we noticed a cop in front of all the stores, we thought it would be no big deal because we go behind the stores. Jamie was out of the car with a head lamp on looking through a dumpster when we see the cop car pull around the corner. We yelled for Jamie to get back in the car but by the time she did his lights were already on and his spot light was right on our car. We were all flipping out not sure as to what would happen. Before he comes to our door, three other cops show up with there lights on us and we are completely surrounded.
The cop approaches my car with his flashlight and is very unhappy to see us, when asked what we were doing I say… “Have you ever seen the Oprah show?” (Note to all who know I gave up Oprah, this is before I banded he show…just so you know”)
Cop replies “Uh…yes?”
Me “Well a couple of months ago she had this show on about freegans and well these people go….”
Cop “Don’t tell me you girls are out dumpster Diving?”
All of us “Yes…is this illegal?”
He just starts laughing tells all the other cops that they can go, that three girls, one who is pregnant is dumpster diving. He sits and talks to us for almost 20min about all the great stuff he has found and the dumpsters to check out. Checks our id’s and sends us on our way. It was an exciting night but not as exciting as my next day.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Daniel Bradley
One of the greatest gifts God has given me is Daniel. He is a brother to me and I have had the privilege to walk along side Daniel and his family as God has performed miracle after miracle with Daniel! Daniel is starting to write down his journey- he wants to share his story with others. Please check out his new website http://manifestglory.blogspot.com/. I get together with Daniel weekly and that is when we will try and update it! It is worth passing along and reading. Hope you are all challenged and inspired as I am by Daniels story!
Monday, April 28, 2008
30 minute till
I am on my way to the dr. in a few minutes and I wanted to sit down once more and write out my thoughts. I was up until 2:30am last night with some cramping. This of course brings on the ifs, remembering the past, and of course fear. All of these things are not of the Lord. I have really been struggling with staying focused on the Lord, he has done this amazing thing for us and now I am fearful, WHY? Many of you would probably tell me that it is okay to be scared, I mean I almost lost my life last time, but i cannot allow Satan to take my joy. No matter what happens to me I believe in a big God, and I know everything is in his hands, his control and I know that he loves me and this baby. I refuse to live in the past, to stay there in fear and not enjoy this baby for as long as God allows me to carry them. I pray with my whole heart that I get to bring this baby to its earthly home, that we get to look into their eyes and see who we think they look like. But this baby is not mine, they are the Lords from day one I must leave my hands open. I want this child to have a heart for the Lord so I freely give this child back to God daily. I will be honored if the Lord allows Kevin and I the privilege of being this child's parents, but ultimately God is this child's father, he has the final say in this child's life. I believe this is something I will be grasping for the rest of my life!
My heart is so overwhelmed with joy and anticipation of the days, weeks, months and years to come!
My heart is so overwhelmed with joy and anticipation of the days, weeks, months and years to come!
Friday, April 25, 2008
April 25 2008
Well, what can I say I am in complete awe of Gods power. I am writing this post but will probably not post it for a couple of weeks. If you are reading this post now then you are just finding out that I am pregnant! I wanted to write down my thoughts only have found out a couple of minutes ago so I wont forget what I am feeling in this moment.
7:45am-
I got up this morning and it is day 41 in my cycle with only a little cramping but still no sign pregnancies. I decided I would go ahead and take a test just to make sure. Kevin is a smart husband and after a couple of months after we lost Eddie he noticed how many pregnancies tests we went through. So he got online and order packs 25, they are tests without the plastic and have no real name brand...they are kind of funny but I sure go through them. I decided just to use one of those, it came up neg. pretty quick and as always I was disappointed and through it into the trash and went about my day.
12:45pm
I went by to see Daniel Bradley and Wendy. They have been such huge believers and encourager's in my life. They remind me all the time to not put my faith in what I see. Wendy asked how I was doing and if I had gotten my period yet. I told her no but I also told her that my pregnancies tests were coming up negative. She and Daniel of course rebuked those words and said they do not put their trust in pregnancies test but in the Lord. Daniel also reminded me that doubt always enters when we are not in the Lords presence and I really had not been in the Lords presence the past couple of days, I have been letting satan remind me of the past and hold me there. Satan has no power over us, I quench every fiery dart the wicked one slays against me......
7:45pm
Kevin and I have been having a relaxing evening. not much happening at all. We were getting ready to leave to go walk around Lowes so I ran upstairs to go to bathroom, I decided to check the pregnancy test -- I really cannot tell you why but I dug it out of the trash and held up and what to do I see but a positive preg. test. I called Kevin upstairs disbelief of what I was seeing. He was not sure what to think either so I quick pulled out a regular pregnancy test of of the closet to see what it would say. As Kevin and I waited those few seconds we could not believe what our eyes were seeing. There on the pregnancy test were two beautiful lines making a beautiful cross! It was positive.
Now:
I am amazed, why do we doubt our big and amazing God? We had specifically prayed that this would be the month that I was pregnant, that I would not have to get my fallopian tube tested...and I am. It was so unexpected which is exactly how the Lord loves to work~
We will keep you posted on this new journey of ours!
7:45am-
I got up this morning and it is day 41 in my cycle with only a little cramping but still no sign pregnancies. I decided I would go ahead and take a test just to make sure. Kevin is a smart husband and after a couple of months after we lost Eddie he noticed how many pregnancies tests we went through. So he got online and order packs 25, they are tests without the plastic and have no real name brand...they are kind of funny but I sure go through them. I decided just to use one of those, it came up neg. pretty quick and as always I was disappointed and through it into the trash and went about my day.
12:45pm
I went by to see Daniel Bradley and Wendy. They have been such huge believers and encourager's in my life. They remind me all the time to not put my faith in what I see. Wendy asked how I was doing and if I had gotten my period yet. I told her no but I also told her that my pregnancies tests were coming up negative. She and Daniel of course rebuked those words and said they do not put their trust in pregnancies test but in the Lord. Daniel also reminded me that doubt always enters when we are not in the Lords presence and I really had not been in the Lords presence the past couple of days, I have been letting satan remind me of the past and hold me there. Satan has no power over us, I quench every fiery dart the wicked one slays against me......
7:45pm
Kevin and I have been having a relaxing evening. not much happening at all. We were getting ready to leave to go walk around Lowes so I ran upstairs to go to bathroom, I decided to check the pregnancy test -- I really cannot tell you why but I dug it out of the trash and held up and what to do I see but a positive preg. test. I called Kevin upstairs disbelief of what I was seeing. He was not sure what to think either so I quick pulled out a regular pregnancy test of of the closet to see what it would say. As Kevin and I waited those few seconds we could not believe what our eyes were seeing. There on the pregnancy test were two beautiful lines making a beautiful cross! It was positive.
Now:
I am amazed, why do we doubt our big and amazing God? We had specifically prayed that this would be the month that I was pregnant, that I would not have to get my fallopian tube tested...and I am. It was so unexpected which is exactly how the Lord loves to work~
We will keep you posted on this new journey of ours!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Oh what a day...
Oh the Joy......
I got my front tooth pulled and now I have braces for 18 months, look like I am 15 and as I left the Doctors the nurse said, "Oh Beth, think about it...it is like having two pregnancies back to back...."
I responded "I would much rather have two pregnancies then this...."
I will keep my head up and my eyes on Christ, my beauty does not come from outward appearance but from within, my encouragement does not come from Mans mouth but the mouth of the Lord
"We wait in HOPE for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts REJOICE,
for we trust in His holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord
even as we put our hope in you."
Psalm 33:20-22
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
What a blessing...
I had such a good time with my best friend Jamie and her husband Brian, and there little 6mo old daughter Charlotte Rose! Here is a recap of the amazing weekend
This is Charlotte Trying on her new outfit from Aunt B, it looked really cute but did not fit her in the legs...she could only stand in it!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Tests
Our good friend Jamie and Brian and there little 6mo old girl came to visit us from PA. They arrived early....early this morning. Jamie called to let me know how close they were, they were about 2 hrs away. As I laid awake in bed anticipating there arrival I could not help but think that maybe I was pregnant. Sometimes during these long months my mind and body plays tricks on me, and sometimes I really feel as though I am pregnant. I try not to get my hopes up but for two weeks Kevin and I will really think that maybe this is the month. I am having one of those months, so as I laid in bed I kept praying to the Lord "please this month, please..." I decided to end my anxious thoughts and get up and take a pregnancy test. I enjoy doing them when no one knows because then I am the only one disappointed and holding the truth for that moment. As I was getting ready to get out of bed God laid Psalm22:5 on my heart, so before I began my journey in the bathroom I ran downstairs to grab my Bible. As I opened up to this chapter it dawned on me that this is the very same chapter God gave me right after he took home our first born. I begin to get emotional as I remembered reading this not long ago. Vrs 5 goes on to say "they cried to you and were saved, in you they trusted and were not disappointed" after reading this I was convinced that God had given that verse to me because I was about to find out that I was pregnant. As I waited the few seconds for the test to register one or two lines I held it high into the air and prayed in my heart" I believe God, I believe that you can work miracles I believe it is your desire for me to pregnant and in you we will never be disappointed..." I brought the test down to eye level and opened my eyes, once again in my hands laid a negative test. What do you do in that moment? It is always a choice, it is also a choice when we find out that someone else just got pregnant, and really did not try hard at all...it is a choice to either curse God because he did not "Perform" the way I asked him to or to praise him because you truly believe in your heart and in that moment that if you trust in God you WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED. I truly believe that we will not be disappointed because Kevin and I believe in God, we believe in his power, his love and his infinite wisdom. So even though I cried, even though it is hard, even though it feels as though our turn will never come, I will praise him. But please for me and Kevin if you have children give them an extra hug, hold on to them tight, and praise the Lord for them. And the next time you think about complaining about a late night, or inconvenience of your children take a second and think about the couples who would give anything for a sleepless night to just hear their baby cry.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Dreaming
Below are photos of Kevin and I when we were babies. I know these are not the photos you wish to see when you check my...excuse me... our blog but I of course have been dreaming of what our children would maybe look like. Kevin and I are praying hard about when to start the adoption process. We both feel as though adoption is definitely in our future we are just so unsure about the time God wants us to take the steps forward. This journey God has us on has been one of the hardest things I have ever been through. With that said I have to say that I would not change one thing about the journey, not even loosing Eddie. It has brought us unexplained joy and anticipation to see what God has in store for us!
I know this picture of me looks like I am probably about 6 months old but I was probably just coming home from the hospital....
There is hope though, here is a picture of my sister Grace and I, look I get a bit cuter I think. Look at what a blondie I am, makes me wonder if our kids have any hope of being blond...
Ah...look at how cute, once again he looks as though is his 7 or 8 months old but I am pretty sure he was just born...I know he looks Mexican, I can promise you he is not (not that there is anything wrong with that)
I think in this picture Kevin is around 6 or 7 months old....not really... I believe my babies would be pretty big considering Kevin was born just under 12lbs and I was close to 10lbs...I expect our children to come out walking and potty trained!
Whether God brings children through my womb or through adoption they will be our children and God already knows them by name and we are already praying they have a heart after His. Hope you enjoyed!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
God Bless America!
Yes, it is I Kevin typing my inaugural Blog. Beth has been hounding me for days to write something, so here goes:
February and March are by far the two worst months of the year for someone like me. The Superbowl ended a fantastic football season, and baseball won't be starting for another month or so. I know that most of you are asking "what about March Madness, and NASCAR?" Well - as a Colorado Native, and a Colorado University Alumni, my school has NEVER been a contender in the NCAA tournament, the closest our state has ever been to college basketball Stardom, was last year when the Air Force Falcons made it to the final four...of the NIT. Yup our state was proud to have the 70th best basketball program in the nation.
And sorry all you Carolina natives - I just can't do NASCAR, if I wanted to watch a bunch of middle aged men go in circles and talk like rednecks, I'd just go to the local flea market.
I don't think I've ever been so excited to watch baseball as I am now, let's see what the Rockies can do after that fantastic run at the end of the year in 2007.
With no sports getting in the way, I have been real busy between working, fixing our house, working at our new church building, and pumping iron (for those of you keeping score at home, I worked out yesterday for the first time in almost 3 months.)
My work is very exciting right now, I have about 10 different projects that I am juggling, some are multi-million dollar opportunities for our company, most of them I'm working with people from all across the world. This is the first March since 2003 when I was not interviewing for a job at least 1000 miles away from home, it's real nice to be at a job that I love, and I don't have to worry about moving.
Our church (seen here: http://www.breakthroughwoc.org/) recently moved into a new building, and they put me in charge of building a stage. After many hours working with the pastor and a few other dedicated men, we actually have a good looking stage. I know that God will use what we built to minister to many, and bring many men and women into the kingdom.
I know you want to know more about what's going on in the world of Kevin. But as a wise man once said, "always leave them wanting more." Hopefully that's the case, and you'll be back in about 3 years when I complete my next blog.
Thanks for reading,
-KT
February and March are by far the two worst months of the year for someone like me. The Superbowl ended a fantastic football season, and baseball won't be starting for another month or so. I know that most of you are asking "what about March Madness, and NASCAR?" Well - as a Colorado Native, and a Colorado University Alumni, my school has NEVER been a contender in the NCAA tournament, the closest our state has ever been to college basketball Stardom, was last year when the Air Force Falcons made it to the final four...of the NIT. Yup our state was proud to have the 70th best basketball program in the nation.
And sorry all you Carolina natives - I just can't do NASCAR, if I wanted to watch a bunch of middle aged men go in circles and talk like rednecks, I'd just go to the local flea market.
I don't think I've ever been so excited to watch baseball as I am now, let's see what the Rockies can do after that fantastic run at the end of the year in 2007.
With no sports getting in the way, I have been real busy between working, fixing our house, working at our new church building, and pumping iron (for those of you keeping score at home, I worked out yesterday for the first time in almost 3 months.)
My work is very exciting right now, I have about 10 different projects that I am juggling, some are multi-million dollar opportunities for our company, most of them I'm working with people from all across the world. This is the first March since 2003 when I was not interviewing for a job at least 1000 miles away from home, it's real nice to be at a job that I love, and I don't have to worry about moving.
Our church (seen here: http://www.breakthroughwoc.org/) recently moved into a new building, and they put me in charge of building a stage. After many hours working with the pastor and a few other dedicated men, we actually have a good looking stage. I know that God will use what we built to minister to many, and bring many men and women into the kingdom.
I know you want to know more about what's going on in the world of Kevin. But as a wise man once said, "always leave them wanting more." Hopefully that's the case, and you'll be back in about 3 years when I complete my next blog.
Thanks for reading,
-KT
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Our First Blog Together
So I started this blog a year ago for my students out in Colorado. I decided to post my link on Facebook, which yes I am a facebook user (Kevin wants to mention that he is NOT!). I had no idea that so many people and family members would visit to read up on our blog. Kevin was not to excited to hear that people thought it was OUR blog considering it was all about Beth and it was pink. So because of marriage and the learning to give a 110% I decided to make it our blog, and in turn he said he would "maybe" post something. As I write this now, Kevin my husband who I lovingly changed my blog for, is sitting in the corner of the office making sure he agrees with everything and making suggestions once in a while. So I ask Kevin, What would you like the bloggers of the blogging world to know? His response...delayed pause...blank stare and then with a no enthusiasm he states "God bless America..." This my friends and family is why I have never included my husband into the blogging world. He is good at reading my blogs and always seems to have a generous suggestion yet when asked to participate in the blog he says "God bless America..." then throws his hands into the air and says "that's all...."
Until next time my friends...we will see if we can ever get Kevin to blog!
Until next time my friends...we will see if we can ever get Kevin to blog!
Friday, January 18, 2008
Where have the months gone?
I remember eating a Popsicle and sitting on a box of my belongings and looking at my empty house filled with cardboard boxes and a big moving truck outside. I was sweaty and hot from packing up and making sure that everything had found its way into one of the many boxes and nothing was left behind, besides the stray sock behind the dryer that I decided we did not need. It was a sad day seeing our house empty and it was even sadder pulling out of the driveway for the last time. As we drove down Glade park drive I thought about all the memories we had made in a short 12 months. It does not take long for people to find their way into my home, memory and heart.
I can't believe I left Colorado in the heat of summer, with school letting out and Mexico missions trip on the way and seeing Amazing race finished up. I can't believe that I watched the mountains of North Carolina change into the most vibrant colors, watched the leaves fall and then raking them up until I felt as though every leaf in North Carolina had found its way into my yard. Now as I look out my window I can see far beyond what use to be blocked by numerous beautiful leaves and can see my breath as I enter out for my daily walk with my dogs. As I see the snow fall I can't help but wonder to myself where did the months and time go?
If I look back to the person who was sitting on the boxes eating a Popsicle and now look at the person who is sitting at her computer writing this, I am once again amazed at the changes God has done within my soul. I am deeper in love with him, astounded by his grace and overwhelmed by his love for me. I am overtaken by the amount of change I am experiencing with each changing season in my own life. I am being reminded through the changing of seasons in life how I always want to be changing in my walk with the Lord. Everyday is a new day, everyday I want to experience something new about my creator. I don't ever want to be in the same place stagnate in my life not experiencing all that God truly is, but I also realize that change comes with a cost. Just like the green leaves on a tree, their change in color their vibrant look, their amazing beauty comes at a cost of death, they must die in order to see the true beauty that lies within. Am I willing to die to everything I am in order to see the true change that only the Lord can bring? The answer, yes. I don't want to be chained to death, but to see the beauty that dieing to oneself really brings....New life, new heartbeat, new beauty!
I can't believe I left Colorado in the heat of summer, with school letting out and Mexico missions trip on the way and seeing Amazing race finished up. I can't believe that I watched the mountains of North Carolina change into the most vibrant colors, watched the leaves fall and then raking them up until I felt as though every leaf in North Carolina had found its way into my yard. Now as I look out my window I can see far beyond what use to be blocked by numerous beautiful leaves and can see my breath as I enter out for my daily walk with my dogs. As I see the snow fall I can't help but wonder to myself where did the months and time go?
If I look back to the person who was sitting on the boxes eating a Popsicle and now look at the person who is sitting at her computer writing this, I am once again amazed at the changes God has done within my soul. I am deeper in love with him, astounded by his grace and overwhelmed by his love for me. I am overtaken by the amount of change I am experiencing with each changing season in my own life. I am being reminded through the changing of seasons in life how I always want to be changing in my walk with the Lord. Everyday is a new day, everyday I want to experience something new about my creator. I don't ever want to be in the same place stagnate in my life not experiencing all that God truly is, but I also realize that change comes with a cost. Just like the green leaves on a tree, their change in color their vibrant look, their amazing beauty comes at a cost of death, they must die in order to see the true beauty that lies within. Am I willing to die to everything I am in order to see the true change that only the Lord can bring? The answer, yes. I don't want to be chained to death, but to see the beauty that dieing to oneself really brings....New life, new heartbeat, new beauty!
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Where has Beth Been?
I have gotten this question in so many different forms and from so many different people. The question is actually not that easy to answer. Yes of course I could give the normal response of "around" or "oh you know here or there." I could also give an actual location such as "Uh...North Carolina" or "In my new house at my new desk with my new computer..." But to be truly honest no one is asking the question with those answers in mind. So I have decided to tell you where Beth has really been. It is not easy to vulnerable, or honest, you are never quite sure of the outcome or the response of the party who is hearing the truth. I feel as though in life right now, being honest may help some of you really understand "Where Beth has been."
As many of you know and as some of you might not know, I have been challenged beyond words or comprehension the last year. God has been stretching me, breaking me and refining me through so many events in my life. Zi my dog getting bit by the rattle snake, moving to NC, my husband starting a new job, leaving many friends in CO, selling our house, buying a new house, staying at my parents house, and sending my husband to Korea have just been minor things. The most impacting thing in my life that many of you do not know about was loosing my baby. You might be reading this and thinking to yourself that I never had a baby, but I was never ready to talk about it until now.
Two weeks before Kevin excepted his job in NC I found out I was 6-8 weeks pregnant. You can imagine Kevin and mine excitement and surprise as we took in a new move and the hope and dream of a new little Tanner. I was more then excited, and sick as some of you remember....
When I went in for my first ultrasound they could not find my baby, they were concerned and thought that I had miscarried my first little baby. The next morning they called informing me that I was still pregnant and that I needed to wait a week. This is probably the time that I fell off the face of the earth. I was put on bed rest, I was scared, confused and sad and trying to embrace my growing baby everyday. A week later I found myself in the emergency room about to go under for surgery, my baby was in my fallopian tube and if they did not remove the baby we would both die. On may 31, 2007 at 5:00am the Lord took home mine and Kevin's first little one. Even now it is hard to talk about.
You know what I am learning through all of this? That it is okay to be angry, upset, mad, and emotional with God. He knows your heart anyway why not tell him and that is exactly what I am trying to do. During these tough days I have not been the Beth you know, I don't even know myself at this moment in time. It is an accomplishment if I get out of bed in the morning and put two feet in front of the other, and to believe that God really does work out everything for his Glory!
Many of you call and email which I cannot even tell you how much I love and appreciate. But I need you to know I am not talking to many people right now. I can't explain it and I am not sure how long I will be this way. I turn my phone off a lot because it make me anxious...I know crazy. But remember I am just trying to be as honest as I can and I need you all to know about this! I do not want any of you thinking that I am ignoring you or not wanting to talk. I love you all and miss everyone!
Thanks for the prayers and support!
As many of you know and as some of you might not know, I have been challenged beyond words or comprehension the last year. God has been stretching me, breaking me and refining me through so many events in my life. Zi my dog getting bit by the rattle snake, moving to NC, my husband starting a new job, leaving many friends in CO, selling our house, buying a new house, staying at my parents house, and sending my husband to Korea have just been minor things. The most impacting thing in my life that many of you do not know about was loosing my baby. You might be reading this and thinking to yourself that I never had a baby, but I was never ready to talk about it until now.
Two weeks before Kevin excepted his job in NC I found out I was 6-8 weeks pregnant. You can imagine Kevin and mine excitement and surprise as we took in a new move and the hope and dream of a new little Tanner. I was more then excited, and sick as some of you remember....
When I went in for my first ultrasound they could not find my baby, they were concerned and thought that I had miscarried my first little baby. The next morning they called informing me that I was still pregnant and that I needed to wait a week. This is probably the time that I fell off the face of the earth. I was put on bed rest, I was scared, confused and sad and trying to embrace my growing baby everyday. A week later I found myself in the emergency room about to go under for surgery, my baby was in my fallopian tube and if they did not remove the baby we would both die. On may 31, 2007 at 5:00am the Lord took home mine and Kevin's first little one. Even now it is hard to talk about.
You know what I am learning through all of this? That it is okay to be angry, upset, mad, and emotional with God. He knows your heart anyway why not tell him and that is exactly what I am trying to do. During these tough days I have not been the Beth you know, I don't even know myself at this moment in time. It is an accomplishment if I get out of bed in the morning and put two feet in front of the other, and to believe that God really does work out everything for his Glory!
Many of you call and email which I cannot even tell you how much I love and appreciate. But I need you to know I am not talking to many people right now. I can't explain it and I am not sure how long I will be this way. I turn my phone off a lot because it make me anxious...I know crazy. But remember I am just trying to be as honest as I can and I need you all to know about this! I do not want any of you thinking that I am ignoring you or not wanting to talk. I love you all and miss everyone!
Thanks for the prayers and support!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Blogging
So I admit I have been a little behind on blogging. I promise you that life has been beyond crazy. One thing you can be sure of is that I miss the heck out of all of you. So what is up?? Well here a first hand interview by me with me for you!!!
Beth: So Beth how was the move?
Beth: Well it was good, it was a long drive from Colorado all the way to NC but that's okay. We stopped in Kansas and saw the world largest prairie dog and you know what??? It was a statue...how Miss leading!
Beth: Wow that is interesting I will put a note down not to visit it, at least you had fun on your journey. So what is the best thing about being back?
Beth: Probably the family. I am enjoying my nieces and nephews immensely and love seeing them daily.
Beth: Ah yes the kids, they change often. So what is the worst thing?
Beth: The obvious, being away from all my friends in CO. It has hard and I miss them. That and not having a home right now, we are staying with my parents and it is really hard...
Beth: Oh I'll bet that is hard, I really admire you for being able to do that...you really are amazing...a hero....the best person I have ever met...wow!!!
So how long will you be with them?
Beth: Only ten more days, we bought a beautiful home and will be moving in very soon, we are so excited!!
Beth: That is exciting I would really like to come for a visit! So is there anything else?
Beth: Nope this was a great interview, I am sure I will blog again soon...until then I encourage you all to keep your eyes on God..he is the only way~
Love you!!!
Beth: So Beth how was the move?
Beth: Well it was good, it was a long drive from Colorado all the way to NC but that's okay. We stopped in Kansas and saw the world largest prairie dog and you know what??? It was a statue...how Miss leading!
Beth: Wow that is interesting I will put a note down not to visit it, at least you had fun on your journey. So what is the best thing about being back?
Beth: Probably the family. I am enjoying my nieces and nephews immensely and love seeing them daily.
Beth: Ah yes the kids, they change often. So what is the worst thing?
Beth: The obvious, being away from all my friends in CO. It has hard and I miss them. That and not having a home right now, we are staying with my parents and it is really hard...
Beth: Oh I'll bet that is hard, I really admire you for being able to do that...you really are amazing...a hero....the best person I have ever met...wow!!!
So how long will you be with them?
Beth: Only ten more days, we bought a beautiful home and will be moving in very soon, we are so excited!!
Beth: That is exciting I would really like to come for a visit! So is there anything else?
Beth: Nope this was a great interview, I am sure I will blog again soon...until then I encourage you all to keep your eyes on God..he is the only way~
Love you!!!
Monday, June 11, 2007
Moving Away
My friends,
How I already miss you.
I can't believe all that God has done this past year. He has used each of you in my life in such a huge way. As Kevin and I prepare to leave the great state of Colorado we leave behind many friends and family. Please know how hard it is for Kevin and I to go. The Lord has stretched us beyond what we can explain in many ways and we are being stretched even now as we leave. We know that this is all part of Gods planning!
SouledOut,
My kids, I can't even tell you how many of you I adopted in my heart. You have made me laugh, scream, smile and even cry. Many of you got yelled at by me at Dare2Share and Winter Camp and yet you still loved me and excepted me. You are my pride and my heart. My desire for you still is to to know Jesus Christ and to make a choice to follow him, one you will never regret! Keep in touch with me!!!!! I will visit I promise!
Here is our info:
email:
Silvertanner@gmail.com
Address (for now)
203 Davis Mnt. Rd.
Hendersonville, NC
28739
LOVE YOU!!! I will continue to update my blog~~~
Beth
How I already miss you.
I can't believe all that God has done this past year. He has used each of you in my life in such a huge way. As Kevin and I prepare to leave the great state of Colorado we leave behind many friends and family. Please know how hard it is for Kevin and I to go. The Lord has stretched us beyond what we can explain in many ways and we are being stretched even now as we leave. We know that this is all part of Gods planning!
SouledOut,
My kids, I can't even tell you how many of you I adopted in my heart. You have made me laugh, scream, smile and even cry. Many of you got yelled at by me at Dare2Share and Winter Camp and yet you still loved me and excepted me. You are my pride and my heart. My desire for you still is to to know Jesus Christ and to make a choice to follow him, one you will never regret! Keep in touch with me!!!!! I will visit I promise!
Here is our info:
email:
Silvertanner@gmail.com
Address (for now)
203 Davis Mnt. Rd.
Hendersonville, NC
28739
LOVE YOU!!! I will continue to update my blog~~~
Beth
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Not my plans but your steps
So Life has been beyond crazy. There has been such a theme in my life the last couple of years where I really feel God challenging me with my favorite verse;
Proverbs 16:9
"Man plans his path but the Lord will direct his steps."
I find myself in situations where I have planned out how I want things to go and the Lord changes it all up. Here are some examples that have happened in the last couple weeks.
1) Two weeks ago after a lot of prayer and consideration Kevin and I made the decision that it was time that I step down from my job at Woodmen. It was for a lot of reason but was not what I was expecting nor was I planning... once again a Challenge.
2) A week ago this past Friday I went on a hike with some of the most amazing high school girls EVER! Katie Mac and Corrie Egli, we headed out to Ute Valley with my two dogs Zion "Zi" who is three years old and Moab who is only 13 weeks old. We hiked up about a mile or two... I really am not sure and decided to turn around. As we were walking down my dog Zi jumped in the air like three feet. I was like what the heck when all of the sudden I saw this ugly rattle snake staring straight at my dog who was only at this point three feet from the snake. I had to get closer to the snake to make sure that Zion would come to me, he did and then Corrie and Katie and I had to walk five feet from the snake to get past it. When we were sure we were far enough away from the snake I put Zion down to make sure he was okay but sure enough he got bit on his back right paw. At that point I lost all sanity and began freaking out. We quickly grabbed Zion who is almost 40 pounds and started running to the car. There are so many other details but needless to say that in the midst of everything I could feel God challenging me to trust him in this moment, it was not at all how I planned my day but was I willing to believe that in this moment this was his best for me. Zion is doing amazing and is slowly getting back to normal!!!!
3) So when we moved here to Colorado we bought a house and we were planning on being here for at least 5 years. As the year has progressed and things have changed at Kevins job he decided we would at least take opportunities that may present themselves on other jobs. On Tuesday after the whole rattle snake scare Kevin got an email from a Job in NC. He had interviewed with this company a couple of months ago and we were waiting to hear back. It would be a job that would take me back to my family. As hard as it would be to leave it would really mean a lot to me and my family to get closer to them. We WAITED what seemed to be forever and Got the job offer on Tuesday. I did not realize however that they would want us to move so fast. We will be leaving on June 11th for North Carolina. It will be so hard to say good bye to my students, and friends at Woodmen. It has been amazing and God has put the most amazing girls in my life. I feel so blessed and overwhelmed. I never dreamed I would meet some of my closest friends here in Colorado Springs.
As you can see God has different plans for our lives. I am challenged even now with somethings I cannot share, things I never expected nor asked for but in my deepest heart I know that in this time this is GODS BEST!!!! This his absolute BEST!
Proverbs 16:9
"Man plans his path but the Lord will direct his steps."
I find myself in situations where I have planned out how I want things to go and the Lord changes it all up. Here are some examples that have happened in the last couple weeks.
1) Two weeks ago after a lot of prayer and consideration Kevin and I made the decision that it was time that I step down from my job at Woodmen. It was for a lot of reason but was not what I was expecting nor was I planning... once again a Challenge.
2) A week ago this past Friday I went on a hike with some of the most amazing high school girls EVER! Katie Mac and Corrie Egli, we headed out to Ute Valley with my two dogs Zion "Zi" who is three years old and Moab who is only 13 weeks old. We hiked up about a mile or two... I really am not sure and decided to turn around. As we were walking down my dog Zi jumped in the air like three feet. I was like what the heck when all of the sudden I saw this ugly rattle snake staring straight at my dog who was only at this point three feet from the snake. I had to get closer to the snake to make sure that Zion would come to me, he did and then Corrie and Katie and I had to walk five feet from the snake to get past it. When we were sure we were far enough away from the snake I put Zion down to make sure he was okay but sure enough he got bit on his back right paw. At that point I lost all sanity and began freaking out. We quickly grabbed Zion who is almost 40 pounds and started running to the car. There are so many other details but needless to say that in the midst of everything I could feel God challenging me to trust him in this moment, it was not at all how I planned my day but was I willing to believe that in this moment this was his best for me. Zion is doing amazing and is slowly getting back to normal!!!!
3) So when we moved here to Colorado we bought a house and we were planning on being here for at least 5 years. As the year has progressed and things have changed at Kevins job he decided we would at least take opportunities that may present themselves on other jobs. On Tuesday after the whole rattle snake scare Kevin got an email from a Job in NC. He had interviewed with this company a couple of months ago and we were waiting to hear back. It would be a job that would take me back to my family. As hard as it would be to leave it would really mean a lot to me and my family to get closer to them. We WAITED what seemed to be forever and Got the job offer on Tuesday. I did not realize however that they would want us to move so fast. We will be leaving on June 11th for North Carolina. It will be so hard to say good bye to my students, and friends at Woodmen. It has been amazing and God has put the most amazing girls in my life. I feel so blessed and overwhelmed. I never dreamed I would meet some of my closest friends here in Colorado Springs.
As you can see God has different plans for our lives. I am challenged even now with somethings I cannot share, things I never expected nor asked for but in my deepest heart I know that in this time this is GODS BEST!!!! This his absolute BEST!
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Changing Seasons
As the seasons change I can hear the sweet whisper of God calling my name through the blowing trees, sunsets, and blossoming flowers. I hear his voice whispering his promises to me, his promise to love, to prosper and not to harm me.
Through the falling rain I can feel him raining his love down on me touching the deepest parts of my soul and healing my wounds. As the weather is warmer, as the ice melts away and as the flowers begin to bloom into the most beautiful colors I can feel the winter melting away from my heart. New seasons bring new life. I embrace the new life with everything that is within me.
You have to stop and listen, you have to close your eyes and let him warm your face by the sun, run his fingers through your hair by the wind, and stroke your face with the mist of the rain, but you must stop for a moment in your busy life to allow him to romance you.
Are you ready to change? Are you ready to Grow? Are you ready to be new? He is waiting for you!
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Through the falling rain I can feel him raining his love down on me touching the deepest parts of my soul and healing my wounds. As the weather is warmer, as the ice melts away and as the flowers begin to bloom into the most beautiful colors I can feel the winter melting away from my heart. New seasons bring new life. I embrace the new life with everything that is within me.
I am ready to change, I am ready to grow, I am ready to be new!
Are you willing to lay everything you know at the feet of Jesus? He is calling your name, he is whispering in your ear, can you hear him?
You have to stop and listen, you have to close your eyes and let him warm your face by the sun, run his fingers through your hair by the wind, and stroke your face with the mist of the rain, but you must stop for a moment in your busy life to allow him to romance you.
Are you ready to change? Are you ready to Grow? Are you ready to be new? He is waiting for you!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
I know I know I know....
So I realize and accept that it has been forever long since I last wrote you guys! So much has been going on. My parents being here was more then amazing, it was good to get spoiled and to have them here. I can't tell you how much I miss them now that we are so very far apart.
We had the auction, which was amazing, they raised $15,000 dollars for missions. I was amazed at Gods blessing and provision! I love being surprised by God!
So guess what I did on Saturday afternoon???? I bought a brand new little puppy. He is a little Westie and is to cute for words. It was a total surprise and we were not planning on getting a puppy on that Saturday in front of Wal-mart but God blessed us!!! He has the greatest little personality and is doing really well with Zion, they love to play and wrestle together!!!
So please meet MO--
We had the auction, which was amazing, they raised $15,000 dollars for missions. I was amazed at Gods blessing and provision! I love being surprised by God!
So guess what I did on Saturday afternoon???? I bought a brand new little puppy. He is a little Westie and is to cute for words. It was a total surprise and we were not planning on getting a puppy on that Saturday in front of Wal-mart but God blessed us!!! He has the greatest little personality and is doing really well with Zion, they love to play and wrestle together!!!
So please meet MO--
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Guess What...
My Parents are in town!!! They are amazing, outstanding, incredible, parents and I am so blessed that they are here visiting!!!
I will blog more soon but because they are here I am taking a couple of my days off sooner then later!!
YEA PARENTS!
I will blog more soon but because they are here I am taking a couple of my days off sooner then later!!
YEA PARENTS!
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Yard Work
So yesterday was undeniable unbelievably gorgeous. And so instead of staying in, instead of hanging out in front of the TV, Kevin and I decided that we need to be out in about we needed to embrace the good weather that God had given us and do some yard work. So we did, we got one of those machines that tears up all your hard dirt and makes it nice and soft so you can plant new seeds and boy was it hard. I tried helping Kevin but after a few minutes my arms and back began to hurt... later that night my back was shot... and I have been wobbling around like I am 84 years old. But I can 't wait to see the new little baby grass come up to life!!!
As I was using that stupid machine it made me realize that in life sometime we need something to come in and grind up the hard dirt that has stubbornly found its place in our life. And boy is it hard. It can feel like you are being torn apart from every direction in every way, it can grind you, pull you, stretch you, and leave you weary to the bone. But after a few months of the hard times you will be ready for new seed to be planted.
Now if we planted that seed, and did not water it or tend to it it would never grow, it would never sprout into new life. So even if the tearing up is hard, and even if we have come to a point where new seed can be planted if we do not water it, or tend to it, it will only die away.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Prepare for the Rain
There were two farmers, neighbors, both praying for rain for their crops - for their livelihood. After praying, one farmer waited for the rain; the other farmer went to his field and started preparing for rain. Which one do you think had the greater faith?
So my question is how can we prepare for the rain? What does this mean, what actions do we take. Obviously for the farmers they went, they got there crops ready... so how can I prepare my crops and fields for the rain? What are my crops and fields?
Well I have been thinking and processing this a lot, and I am not sure I even really have answer. My fields are my life, and my crops are the lives around me that God has placed before me. My life needs rain! I feel dry and dead, my spirit weary and worn out, how then do I prepare for the rain? I can tell I need the sweet aroma of rain, the feel of it soaking into my dry and weary land, I can sense around me, when I look into the eyes of those who are close, they too need rain. The crops need rain.
The rain is the beautiful, amazing, fulfillment of Christ. His spirit soaks into our dry and weary souls, waters us, nourishes us and brings us back to life. And as we soak in his spirit as we are filled with his presences and as he ministers to our souls we then are able to poor into the crops around us, the friends who need us, the family members who are dry and worn out. We can allow Christ to water them through us.
So I prepare my fields first, I prepare my self, I fall before the throne of God with nothing left to give of my self, and I allow him to poor into me, I allow him to touch the deep part of my heart that has become so broken and cracked with the dryness that has overcome me in and allow him to pour his spirit upon it. Then and only then can I poor into the lives around me, then and only then, when it is none of me and all of Him can he use my soul, spirit and love for others. He will fulfill every depth of my spirit, and my being.
Psalm 72:6
He will be like rain falling on a mown field, like showers watering the earth.
Ezekiel 1:28
Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. When I saw it, I fell facedown, and I heard the voice of one speaking.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I just want you to know
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I am Back
Hello my friends! It has been way to long!!
It was an amazing vacation. I went to Pennsylvania and visited a very close friend. We had so much fun and laughed until our stomachs ached.
I missed you all so much and am glad to get back in to routine again. I missed Kevin and my dog Zi and were excited to see them again.
God is on the move and at work in my life. I am teaching this Saturday and am excited to share with you how God is changing my heart. I feel like I have been in the dessert and God is using Genesis to teach me and challenge me!!
How are you guys doing? Please email me and tell me what you thought of Winter Camp!!
It was an amazing vacation. I went to Pennsylvania and visited a very close friend. We had so much fun and laughed until our stomachs ached.
I missed you all so much and am glad to get back in to routine again. I missed Kevin and my dog Zi and were excited to see them again.
God is on the move and at work in my life. I am teaching this Saturday and am excited to share with you how God is changing my heart. I feel like I have been in the dessert and God is using Genesis to teach me and challenge me!!
How are you guys doing? Please email me and tell me what you thought of Winter Camp!!
Thursday, March 8, 2007
WINTER CAMP
I KNOW!! I KNOW!!! I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO DAYS .....But my not writing is because I am getting ready for Winter Camp!!! Amazing, unbelievable, crazy fun WINTER CAMP!!!!! 
PS... Because of Winter Camp I will not blog tomorrow and also I will be on vacation next week, so no blogging and no POP A DAY CHALLENGE!! But don't worry I know I owe a couple of you some POP!!!
Love ya!!!!!
PS... Because of Winter Camp I will not blog tomorrow and also I will be on vacation next week, so no blogging and no POP A DAY CHALLENGE!! But don't worry I know I owe a couple of you some POP!!!Love ya!!!!!
Friday, March 2, 2007
My Dog Zion "Zi"
This is my Dog Zi. He truly is a gift from God and we got him when we were living in Seattle WA. If you want to know the story of Zi you need to ask me or Kevin. I promise you it will be a story you will never forget!!!Thursday, March 1, 2007
Change
Can you believe how fast the weather can change. I left my house in a light sweater, it was probably around 40 degrees and then it started snowing, the temperature seriously dropped 20 degrees and my 15 minute drive turned into 45 minutes.
It made me realize how unpredictable life really is. The weather can change in a matter of minutes, a drive home can change from the moment you step into your car, life can change the instant you answer the phone, your feelings can change in a moment with words.
Our days our not ours; our days should be lived for the king who lives for and in us. Our minutes are not ours; our minutes should be spent praising and honoring our king. Our lives are not ours; our lives are to be laid down, just as the father laid down his own life for us.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course,but the LORD determines his steps.
So friends lets live our lives knowing that our lives are not our own!
It made me realize how unpredictable life really is. The weather can change in a matter of minutes, a drive home can change from the moment you step into your car, life can change the instant you answer the phone, your feelings can change in a moment with words.
Our days our not ours; our days should be lived for the king who lives for and in us. Our minutes are not ours; our minutes should be spent praising and honoring our king. Our lives are not ours; our lives are to be laid down, just as the father laid down his own life for us.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course,but the LORD determines his steps.
So friends lets live our lives knowing that our lives are not our own!
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