Monday, June 30, 2008

Why I do What I do...

It was a good weekend, so nice having Kevin home which helps me immensely. We did not do much, but our doing nothing actually is a lot because there is constant healing and grieving taking place.

While taking a couple of days off from blogging, I was thinking a lot about why I have been keeping this up. I kept asking myself why it has been such a gift to write and once again God revealed new truth and wonders to me, that now I get to share with you.
I have always enjoyed writing in a journal, I believe I get this from my dad. Over the years dad has scripted each of us kids a beautiful journal that he kept for a year or maybe more of his life. Each page holding nuggets of advice, truth, and love. I have taken time to read mine, given to me almost 8 years ago I still enjoy pulling it out grabbing a cup of coffee and reading a couple of pages, holding onto every word, even if it is just about his friends in the coffee shop or how he made a mess in the house and mom was upset. As I have gotten older, and am now married, when I read what he has written over again I understand much more about him, the business, and most importantly about how much he loves us. This is a gift I believe my dad has passed down to me. I enjoy writing but not just for me, for everyone in hopes that it will bring small nuggets of truth into your life as well and a new perspective on someone situation maybe not just mine! When you look into someones life and journey it is so easy to judge how things are going, that everything may look great from the outside so you assume everything is great on the inside as well. But it is hard to vocalize all that is going on, it is hard to come up with the courage, and even harder to find the right words at the right time. Which is why writing on this blog has been such a gift. It is letting people in, without feeling to overwhelmed by all the questions and what you might feel as judgement. When I started writing this it was mostly for me, over the last couple of weeks it has transformed into a way for me to communicate not only to my family but friends,and strangers too. It is such a gift to me because now I have a documentation of this journey, being able to one day grab a cup of coffee and read through all that we have been through. My prayer for this writing though goes so much deeper then that, it is my hope that I will give you a look into someones journey of grief so that maybe it will help you understand your daughter, friend, coworker, or whoever it maybe, that is walking the journey of loosing a child, or going through any kind of grief. I know sometimes it is so hard understanding those going through it, you don't know why they have changed so much, you don't know why it is so hard for them to be around mothers with young children, you don't understand their dark days and you feel like you can never ever say the right thing,(I am so sorry it is rare that people say the right thing). I pray I bring that understanding. I know you will never be able to truly comprehend it, and with everyone it is always different. Grief is unique, never the same to anyone even if it is a very similar situation. I know this writing has been such a gift for me, this is my way of connecting right now, of sharing my heart, of being as vulnerable as I can be, so that when you see me and I am smiling you can know a little bit of what is going on this inside. SO thank you for reading, for taking time, and for wanting to understand my journey, it means the world to Kevin and I!