Sunday, November 22, 2009

Is She Really Coming?

I find this question so interesting. My Sweet Girl, Liesl - Jaden's birth mom will be joining us along with her brother for Thanksgiving. When people learn of this I am amazed at the shocked reaction that I get, however, I do realize that if I was standing on the other side I would most likely give the same reaction. The shocked reaction is usually followed by "are you nervous?" If I answer "no" I am lying. My flesh, of course is a bit nervous, for Liesl, for Jaden and for me as a first time mom.

I relive the day Jaden was born…. I can remember hovering over Sweet Girl as she pushed life into this world. I will never forget the look on Liesl's face when they held up her son for the first time, with tears flowing down her face all she could say was "he is beautiful..." and he was. I remember falling into our amazing nurse - Beth's - arms and whispering to her, "pray for her, please pray for her..." I remember following Jaden over to the bed and watching them wrap this sweet bundle up- I whispered a sweet welcome to him and then watch as the placed Jaden into Liesl's arms- I stepped back watching a moment of such intense love I thought I would melt. Liesl gazing upon Jaden with awe and disbelief that she brought this little one into the world and she had chose life for him.

I knew at that moment that nothing could separate the bond between a mother and a child- I don't care who you are. God had chosen to place life inside this young girl. This is where the impact of infertility still rears its ugly head- the question of "why?" But I cannot question God, I know His ways are not our ways and I rest in his goodness. For our journey I see what a gift our little Jaden is in Liesl's life- in a way he in return is offering her life. Sweet Girl is choosing to make better choices so that she can make Jaden proud of her. Jaden will always be proud of her because Kevin and I will always remind him of the amazing choice she made not only in having him but giving him to us. I am so very proud of Liesl.

My flesh may struggle some with the thought of another women in Jaden's life, as a mother you want to be the most important, the only one, but that is not what God has asked of my life as a mother. God has asked me to become a first time mom through adoption, and I am honored that he has chosen Kevin and I to raise Jaden. I am so thankful I am submissive to the Holy Spirit, for when he overtakes I am overcome with Joy that Jaden has sweet Liesl in his life.

You will hear us call Liesl and Tyler (her brother) our family. This could not be any truer if my mom and dad were their mom and dad. I cannot explain the love we have for them; I cannot explain the bond that has formed. We are not "acting" as a family, or just "saying" we are a family, in our eyes and I KNOW God's eyes we are family. Liesl is really coming for Thanksgiving and I am beyond excited because I know when it is a God story, as this one is, then it is going to be an AMAZING week with them because it is nothing of us and everything of HIM.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A letter to Myself

Dear Waiting Mother,

How my heart longs to speak to yours, to encourage you, to speak words of life, patience and endurance. I can remember the waiting days; they are only but a moment in the past. Their ache, grief and questioning still leave their marks on my heart. Yet as I sit here now I sit with a heart full of joy.

As I am living out my miracle I can’t help but think of you, remember you and carry you with me. I can’t help but think about what I would say to you as you endure your wait, as you see one more negative pregnancy test, as you learn you are losing a baby. I can’t help but want to encourage you, to speak to your aching heart and let you know that your joy is just around the corner, and that the wait- well the wait is worth it and the journey- the journey is what makes the joy that much sweeter!

I know sweet Waiting Mother that it is hard to see beyond the tears that fill your eyes and the grief that fills your heart; I know how hard it is to see beyond the hundredth negative pregnancy test and the not so good report from your doctor. I know your heart hurts every time you hear of one more friend, relative or coworker who is pregnant. I know you try so hard not to question God, but in the quietness of your heart you find yourself questioning God. I understand the sleepless nights, the endless frustration and the hurt that comes from comments of people who just don’t get it. I just want you to know that in the end, it is all worth it.

There will come a point where you look back over your journey and you will be at peace with every step, every tear, and every loss. You will still grieve, it will still hurt, and the scar will remain but the joy you will have will heal in a way that is beyond comprehension. I just want you to know that the journey will be worth it, I can promise you that your joy will come in the morning and although there seems to be no end to the darkness in sight, it will end.

So hang in there, cast that net one more time and watch as God fills it with unexpected joy that will be beyond anything you could ever ask, imagine, or dream of.

You on the other Side!