Thursday, June 5, 2008

our hearts at 4am

Dear Family and Friends,
It is 4am in the morning and Kevin and I find ourselves awake laying in bed with broken hearts. The only thing I know to do is to share with our closest friends and family the journey that God has chosen us once again to walk through. In the midst of heartache we long for our hearts to be vulnerable and honest in hopes to give the Lord God all the praise he deserves. As many of you know Kevin and I have been on the journey of trying to have a child of our own, this has proven to be one of the hardest things either of us have ever gone through. After loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy just a year ago, we started to really pray specific prayers regarding a child. Two months ago our prayer was answered, as I had found a positive pregnancy test thrown away in the trash can (you really have to wait the full 3 minutes I guess....) We were both excited, nervous and overwhelmed with in moments. Each week that passed from that one was nothing more then pure joy as we shared with many of you and our family. Hearing the excitement in everyone voice was music to our ears because we had so longed for that day. I had an ultra sound that proved it was not an ectopic pregnancy and we were once again filled with an unbelievable joy. We started right a way getting the home ready for this little one. I would talk to the baby in the morning, telling it how much I loved it. We would pray over that little one every night for protection and safety, all things any mother and father do who so desperately want to see this child in there arms in the end. We believed it, and in the midst of our still worried hearts we would pray that God would help us with our unbelief.
Yesterday was my OBGYN physical, it is the first appointment of many to come and we were excited, knowing that I was just around 10 weeks we would get to see our baby for the first time and hopefully even see or hear a beautiful heart beat. Everything was looking perfect, everything down to my weight which many of you know in my mind is not perfect but my DR. was so pleased. As we waited for her to get the U/S (ultra sound) ready we were all babbling about how exciting this was going to be. And in a matter of seconds our live's were altered as there was no baby in my uterus, instead there was abnormal tissue swelling in my uterus. We knew immediately that something was wrong as my Dr. began to say how sorry she was over and over again. My only response in that moment was to make sure it was not a dream then I began to pray and praise my God. If you want more information as to what this is you can look up Molar Pregnancy for all the harsh details that I do not have energy to do.
Now I am left in a state of unbelief and in so many ways feel lost and not sure which direction I need to go. Kevin and I are both deeply hurt, our hearts hurting so badly as we grieve what we thought was a little baby and our grief of once again letting Go of our dreams for God dreams. I know God did not intend to do this, he is a good God, who loves his children. He did not set out to attack Kevin and I, In fact I know that I know that I know God was in that dr. .office room as we found out holding our hands, catching our tears and crying right there with his children. He did not do this to me, he allowed it to happen knowing that Kevin and I will not curse our God, will not back down, and will not give up believing in the God who performs miracles and loves us deeply. God is using us to hopefully reach others with his amazing love, these are the real times, when your faith becomes real, and my faith is real..
I have surgery Monday Morning at 10am. If you believe in prayer we need it, and if you don't believe in prayer maybe you should. Although this is an outpatient surgery, this is a risky procedure, as they go into my uterus to remove the tissue there is a chances I will hemorrhage and they will have to remove my uterus, which we are asking the Lord that this not happen. There is also a risk of getting cancer cells from the tissue that leaks into my bloodstream, if this happens I have do go through Chemo therapy, we are also praying this does not happen. We need your support and love more then anything. Kevin and I have always said that our lives are not our own, that they are Gods to use however he sees fit, we will not question, doubt or accuse our God for this. He already knows how much we are hurting and I truly believe he is hurting with us. We will praise God because where praise is the presence of the Lord is and where the presence of the Lord is Satan CANNOT DWELL, so our home will be a home of praise as we grieve the loss of this pregnancy. We know that there was never a life with me, but there was a pregnancy, and we loved something very much that was never there so for me and for Kevin we decided to once again to name this little pregnancy Judah- Judah means praise. We feel it is fitting for where we are.

Tomorrow- or rather today is Kevin and I 4 year anniversary. This happend last year as well, I was just getting home form the hospital and healing over our last anniversary. They are special to us, I told Kevin tonight I would not trade anything for our marriage, we are best friends tied so close to the heart that no one can get in, we are each others comfort, I could not go through this if my marriage was not were it is. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. In the midst of trial God gives you things to hold onto, I am so glad mine is Kevin. Thank you Lord!