Wednesday, June 11, 2008

His Voice

I have felt so well since the surgery, it has truly amazed me. Everyone close to me is telling me that they feel like they have "Beth back." I have been feeling so well, that straightening my home, putting away dishes, making the bed, all things that were so hard to do a month ago are coming a bit easier for me now. However, as I awoke this morning my body reminds me with cramps, aching body, and a headache, that it was just on a huge journey and not yet recovered. I told Kevin last night that this pregnancy plays games with my head. With Eddie, from the moment I found out we knew something was wrong, since I was bleeding so heavenly. With Judah, besides being extremely sick and tired, I had six weeks of pure joy and anticipation for that baby. So now to be told I was never carrying a baby, and that I am not pregnant now, my mind and emotions can't seem to catch up to the reality that lays at hand. As I brewed a pot of coffee last night, I was thinking I needed to make sure it was decaf because I didn't want to drink any caffeine while I "am" pregnant, then I catch myself, I am not pregnant. Sometimes I just have to say it over and over in my head, and I hate saying it.
People have been so wonderful and encouraging with words, but I am struggling with one phrase that seems to come up a lot, "don't worry you'll get pregnant again..." How do we know this? There is no guarantee, people also said while I was pregnant "Oh don't worry nothing bad is going to happen..."
The only person who should be able to say this to Kevin and I is the father, he is the only one who knows. As Kevin and I hope that we get pregnant again, we also go before the throne with open hands. One of the amazing truths that God has shown me on this journey is that His voice is the only voice I place my hope in. I know God speaks through people I don't doubt that one second, however if he speaks through someone to us, we need to spend time seeking his voice to make sure that is what he wanted us to hear. That is why I keep saying that this journey is about getting to know the fathers voice, that is what my daily prayer is.

1 comment:

julie said...

Beth, how your attitude of praise ministers to me. You are such a woman of God. I know he is glorified by your sweet spirit. People really do mean well. They just don't always pick the most tackful way of expressing themselves. Been there, heard that!!! Love them anyway! Jeremiah 29:11 comes to mind. "For I know the plans I have for you, " says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in ernest, you will find me when you seek me." What a comfort that promise is. On your dark sad days ahead, try and seek Christ's face before you seek his hand. Afterall, his children's names are written on his hands. He could never forget us but he will always sustain us. You will be a great mom someday in God's way and God's time. That is definately not easy to swallow but until then rest in his Sovereinty, Your cousin, Julie