Wednesday, June 11, 2008

His Voice

I have felt so well since the surgery, it has truly amazed me. Everyone close to me is telling me that they feel like they have "Beth back." I have been feeling so well, that straightening my home, putting away dishes, making the bed, all things that were so hard to do a month ago are coming a bit easier for me now. However, as I awoke this morning my body reminds me with cramps, aching body, and a headache, that it was just on a huge journey and not yet recovered. I told Kevin last night that this pregnancy plays games with my head. With Eddie, from the moment I found out we knew something was wrong, since I was bleeding so heavenly. With Judah, besides being extremely sick and tired, I had six weeks of pure joy and anticipation for that baby. So now to be told I was never carrying a baby, and that I am not pregnant now, my mind and emotions can't seem to catch up to the reality that lays at hand. As I brewed a pot of coffee last night, I was thinking I needed to make sure it was decaf because I didn't want to drink any caffeine while I "am" pregnant, then I catch myself, I am not pregnant. Sometimes I just have to say it over and over in my head, and I hate saying it.
People have been so wonderful and encouraging with words, but I am struggling with one phrase that seems to come up a lot, "don't worry you'll get pregnant again..." How do we know this? There is no guarantee, people also said while I was pregnant "Oh don't worry nothing bad is going to happen..."
The only person who should be able to say this to Kevin and I is the father, he is the only one who knows. As Kevin and I hope that we get pregnant again, we also go before the throne with open hands. One of the amazing truths that God has shown me on this journey is that His voice is the only voice I place my hope in. I know God speaks through people I don't doubt that one second, however if he speaks through someone to us, we need to spend time seeking his voice to make sure that is what he wanted us to hear. That is why I keep saying that this journey is about getting to know the fathers voice, that is what my daily prayer is.