Monday, June 9, 2008

Restless Nights

I am awake and unable to make this tired and weary body rest. My thoughts are all over the place, so I have my Ipod on listening to as much healing praise music that I can. It is amazing what a few seconds can do. In a few seconds mine and Kevin's life was altered in a way that has forever changed the two of us. After my surgery this morning we will start a whole new journey. Healing, grieving and waiting. For the first month after loosing Judah I will have to walk into an obgyn office once a week and get my blood taken, it will be a constant reminder of what I have just gone through. After the first month then I go once a month for six months. During this time Kevin and I may not try for a baby. If all goes well today, and all goes well after the six months we can maybe try but they usually recommend one year. Seems like eternity to Kevin and I. Not sure what the next year will look like for us. I try to imagine it, try to picture it but you can't wrap your mind around it. I anticipate that in a year many of my closest friends and family will begin trying for a second. It has separated us from those who have families, we look in through a glass window and long for a family of our own. But we know that for God's ultimate Glory his is asking us to wait, to accomplish other things. I believe that he will give us so much joy in the midst of an empty house. I know he will bless us, with things we could never picture or imagine, that is exciting!

As I lay here of course my anxious thoughts are about the surgery. You just never know how it will go. I tell Kevin all the time that I have the easiest part really. I go to sleep, and when I wake it could be an hour or it could be four hours, it feels all the same to me. But my poor husband and family the time seems to move so slowly as they anticipate the outcome. I really hope it goes quickly for them. I pray for my Dr. that she will have skilled and patient hands, and I pray that every cell will be removed so that there is no chance for cancer. We will post and we will email how everything goes at some point tomorrow. I know many of you who are close want to come and sit at the hospital but we are asking that you don't. I feel it might be to overwhelming. However I do ask that everyone who believes in prayer to begin praying hard at 10am. It is amazing how God is bringing people all across this nation who have never met to pray together, truly overwhelming for Kevin and I. Thank you so much!

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