Thursday, October 29, 2009

A Reminder to be Reckless

I am learning so much not only as a mother but also about God and His character, His love, His desires. Adoption has been a beautiful experience for our family, I can't imagine life without Jaden and I can't imagine the journey being any more amazing then it already is and has been. With that said I don't think anyone could have prepared my heart for the emotions that come along with adoption.

The other day Jaden was having a hard time finishing up his nap, moments before his crying began I received a text message from Liesl asking for a picture of "her baby" my heart dropped...but why? Jaden will forever be Liesl’s baby, I can't take this part of the journey away from either of them, and the Holy Spirit within me does not want me too. My flesh, my mother’s heart struggles some with this. I went into Jaden's room and scooped him up and let the tears fall. Our journey with Jaden is through adoption, Liesl, she is forever his birth mom, that is how God intended it to be and I know that. I just never knew how much I would love this little one, on a daily basis I forget he is adopted, he feels like mine, I feel like I gave birth to him but I didn't and that is not the journey God called us to.

Today I was re-reading through some of my journal entries when we had just found out about Jaden and were be called into this families life. It was so good for me to read again because it reminded me of what our calling is. Today Liesl and I had a great conversation, one that was much needed. This sweet girl is struggling with grief, she loves Jaden and I am thankful for that, she is the reason we get to have this sweet blessing in our lives. He is my son, he is my baby, he is our boy but ultimately he is God's child, we were chosen to be his parents. With Jaden I constantly have to open my hands to the Lord and give him back, but I have constant reminders that God really did "choose" us to be his parents. With Ty, I am going to have to do the same, and although I will give birth to Ty, my love for him will not be greater than my love for Jaden, they are my sons and there will be no difference.

Anyway I wanted to share the entry with you guys because this is our heart when it comes to Jaden and his journey. Liesl, Tyler and hopefully LeAnn (Their mom) will join us for Thanksgiving and we will stand together the Sunday after and dedicate this sweet little one to the Lord, we will also make a statement that we are a family forever, all because God choose to use this little boy in such BIG ways! I just needed to be reminded that we are called to Love as our Savior loves!

Sunday, April 19, 2009
Reckless Abandonment Love, this is what God is calling Kevin and I to do with the family of SG, we are to love her without holding back, without understanding it from a human perspective, because humanly it seems impossible to do such a thing.

To love this family and let them be, not just involved but extremely involved in this little boys life. It is not about me being a mother, it is about laying down my life, laying down my expectations, wants and desires for God. God does not love this family with conditions, fears or holding back, he loves this family with everything His character is. The spirit inside of me will love this family with that love if I can lay down my flesh, my fears… and that is what Kevin and I are going to do. We are going to love this family into the kingdom of God, I am not worried about this little boy being confused because that is thinking and seeing things with a human perspective, I must die to that. I must see things with Gods eyes, knowing that ultimately God is this little boy’s Father, and He has the best at hand for him.

So when you speak to Kevin and I you will hear us speak about this little boy growing up not just knowing of his birth mom, birth grandmother, birth uncle, you will hear about how he is going to grow up loving them, seeing them, and knowing who they are in his life.

It is reckless abandonment love, not my love, not Kevin’s love, but God’s love pouring out of us! This journey is not just about Kevin and I getting to raise a son, but also raising a family into the kingdom and love of God! How exciting this journey is no matter what happens in the end, God is faithful He has GREAT things planned for Kevin and me!

Friday, October 23, 2009

An Update!

So I have been getting some grief about my lack of blogging. It is not because I don't have the time; Jaden is such a good baby right on schedule and is giving me lots of rest not only at night but during the day as well! It is because I am so uncomfortable at 30 weeks pregnant, I try sitting at the computer or even on Kev's laptop and find myself unable to write or think because of my aching back. I AM NOT complaining, I am just saying that my computer time is very brief now, just long enough to catch up on all of you and then lay down!

Jaden is such a joy; I am amazed at how quickly he has grown and how quickly time is passing. We are nearing the end of October and Thanksgiving seems right around the corner. Liesl and Tyler will join us and my whole family for Thanksgiving this year. I know that when Liesl gets here the first couple of days will be an emotional roller coaster for her seeing Jaden for the first time. I really have no expectations, I know that it will be good but I also know it may be difficult. I am excited to have Liesl and Tyler with us and know that our family time will go quickly and will feel too short.

I can’t believe I have just about 10 weeks to go; to say I am not overwhelmed would be a lie… God has been so good and has given me the best baby in the world. I know that no matter what type of baby Ty will be he will be amazing but some days I can’t imagine adding another new born into our family. I can remember feeling this way about Jaden too, I could not imagine really what it would be like when he finally arrived and honestly it feels as though he has been a part of our lives forever. Kevin and I are both enjoying this part of our marriage and journey and look forward to the next step with Ty.

Kevin is staying busy with work, got over the flu just fine and none of us got sick. My last OB appointment was great, I am doing well and my contractions have really slowed down. The leaves are really keeping Kevin busy this year because I am unable to help him. He is such a good husband and father and has taken on so many things that I am unable to do.
Just added new pics to our family album, please don’t hesitate to ask for that password or address!
But here are a few to wet your appetite and a few of ALL our LEAVES!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Do You Trust Me?

Walking the path of infertility and loss took a lot of trust in God. There were so many days, and so many moments when someone or God himself would ask me "Do you trust Me?"

You would think after two losses that could have taken my life but didn’t , after months and months of waiting and finally receiving, after years of trying and finally conceiving, after thousands of tears shed out of pain to tears shed of joy, sleepless nights of worry to sleepless nights to a baby, I would be able to say “YES I trust!!”

As crazy as it may seem I find myself once again being challenged beyond my expectations… Do I trust? I want to “say” yes, but my heart is struggling. Kevin got sick and diagnosed with the flu. By this point Jaden and I have been exposed to it and there is nothing I can do to change that fact. Saturday afternoon you would have peeked into my home and seen a panic stricken wife, mother, and pregnant women. I called Jaden’s dr. first thinking he was at greatest risk only being 7 weeks old. When the nurse found out I was 27 weeks pregnant her concern shifted to me…. I was not thinking of me…this was about Jaden. However, I was the one at greatest risk.
So my OB calls, and treats me with Tama flu and tells me to stay away from Kevin. This was not going to be easy and I felt my heart dropping because I rely so much on Kevin to help me with Jaden since I am suppose to be “resting.” All of the sudden trusting God was flown out the window as my flesh, fears, and anxiety overtook. All I kept thinking was “how in the world am I going to do this??” and once again the sweet whisper kept saying and is still saying “Do you trust ME??”

As I write this I am sitting at my parents house. God is so good to give me such wonderful parents that step in in ways I cannot describe with words. They packed me and Jaden up and brought us into there home. In the mean time, they have had a beach trip planned for months, they are suppose to leave Sunday morning. Mom takes Jaden for the whole night to give me as much rest as I can get. Once again I am laying in bed with anxious thoughts about what tomorrow would bring and how I was going to be able to stay at my parents house alone with Jaden, I can’t lift his car seat so I can’t even go out…what was I going to do for three days?
“Do you trust ME?”

When I got up the next morning and went upstairs before I could say anything to my mom she says “I am staying here to help you, don’t argue I already made up my mind…” My heart dropped because I knew I was ruining their beach trip. Which, and this will be another post for another time, I seem to pick the most inopportune time to “need” my parents. Just a few examples….. Breaking my ankle in 7th grade Thanksgiving day (my mom host 50 guest…) Molar pregnancy …my parents were at the beach and had to come home, even when Jaden was born and my mom was with me, my 93 year old Nana fell and my mom could not get home to be with her…all things I don’t mean to plan yet I seem to interrupt (a note to my family, I really don’t plan these things I PROMISE…). “Do you trust ME??”

Even still, I struggle thinking Jaden is going to get this flu, but what do I have to fear? What can the enemy throw in our direction that the Lord is not already aware of? What can touch me that has not passed through the fingers of the Almighty? And at the end of the day who do I trust my life with?
“Do you Trust ME??”

With all my heart Lord, help me to die to my flesh, to my fears, to my anxiety and choose LIFE abundant and fulfilled with your Holy Presence. You are my refuge and I rest under the shadow of your wings….