Monday, March 30, 2009

Katherine Rae and Jaden Daniel

We had our appointment today with our new OB. It was a follow up from all the testing Kevin and I went through the last couple of weeks. It seems all is well. Kevin's testing came back clear and clearer and more clear. My test… not so much…. but still better than either of us expected or imagined.

Our Dr. does not even think he would classify me with PCOS, and if I did have it, it would be a very mild case...this I am claiming as a healing miracle! I do have a slight increase in a level that can sometimes be caused by a growth on my pituitary gland, it raises awareness and at this moment in time it is benign and not of concern. I will continue to get this checked every six months. If it continues to grow it can cause problems with conceiving, but we are not claiming these things. But please pray for me as I deal with fear and feeling overwhelmed even though our doctor is not concerned I tend to be worried.

As of right now Kevin and I are officially "trying" and are excited about it. We will try on our own for three months and if we are not still pregnant we have appointment in June to discuss what steps we will take next. But we are believing I will be pregnant before then, my next appointment will be to see a baby on that ultrasound!

I am feeling excited!!! I still deal with fear but I know I can’t live in that and I must move past it.

I keep imagining our baby in my arms, the warmth of their sweet body, their tiny little hands and feet. I picture their first smile, giggle, step and word. I know that God did not give me these desires if it was not His desire. I am looking forward to meeting our third child, our little Katherine Rae or Jaden Daniel. We pray for them, dream of them and already love them. I know it will be in God’s perfect timing and plan and I rest in that. I am at peace with this journey and even though I still have my hard moments I claim the future of what God is going to bless Kevin and me with!

(Yes these are my future names, I share them with you so you can claim it with me, not so you can steal them, and if you do Kevin will track you down!!!)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Our Amazing Weekend

This is Kevin and his uncle right before he took us out on a two hour tour! It was one of my favorite things!
Kevin writing our boys names in the sand

Our boys are never far from our minds!

When we left the Blue Angels were at the same airport we were flying out of, we got to watch with an amazing view!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Constantly Amazed

I am constantly amazed by Gods abundant love and amazing grace towards His children. Almost a year later of finding out I was pregnant I find myself without a child to hold and call my own but in a place of deep love for my Father.

If I must walk through the fire to see my Fathers face I would do it a hundred times over. Kevin and I have needed this time to get close to one another but also find abundant healing in our Fathers embrace.

I love the ocean, I love Gods creation, I love the love Kevin and I have for one another and I love feeling Gods healing breath upon my face and in my spirit. The trip to Florida has been such a blessing, we have enjoyed family and God beauty.

Tonight we ate out and we sat on a the deck right on the water, once again God sent dolphins to dance for us while we enjoyed our meal. It seems that He is sending them often because we saw them today while sitting out on Kevin's grandparents deck. After we left dinner Kevin and I walked down to the water for a moment and enjoyed the sunset. "Why is it I am enjoying this trip more?" I asked Kevin, his reply summed up our experience through our loss "I think we appreciate things more..."

We do appreciate things more, because we know what it means to lose something so precious and dear to you.

Don't worry I will have pictures soon!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Moving Forward

Wow I am slacking on my blogging. I don't mean to, but I am healing so well that I find myself more and more busy everyday, which is such a blessing.

Things are progressing in the journey to being a mom. Today we had an appointment with a new OB. After many recommendations from several of my close friends Kevin and I felt in our hearts that we were in need of a change.

It is never easy for me to walk into an OBGYN's office. Everywhere I look seems to be shouting at me what I can't have. Every pregnant women I see, seems to be screaming at me that I will never get to experience it, it was not different today. It was hard.

I am so glad we went though and my first appointment with my doctor could not have gone any better. Even in the midst of some hard news we felt encouraged that we are once again climbing back on the "horse."

My doctor was shocked at my story, in all his years he had never had a patient with an ectopic pregnancy and a molar pregnancy. He was also shocked to learn about the near death experience I had with my ectopic pregnancy- we were once again reminded that this should never have happened- but it did.

After going through my history and talking through my molar pregnancy I told him we got the all clear six months ago, although God (he is a believer as well, how amazing) had really placed on our hearts to wait a couple of months but we were ready to start trying again. He looked at us with concern on his face and said that given the severity of my particular situation he would not be comfortable with us trying until a full year has passed. The moment my heart fell to the ground- once again.

We understand but were not expecting that news. I know we are nine months in but when you are ready and when you have waited so long already and additional months seem hard to swallow. We respect his council and in the mean time I will began all the testing and this time Kevin will be going through some testing as well.

We know that in order for us to have child, the normal path of “just trying” is not a reality for us anymore. My doctor found great hope in the fact that I have gotten pregnant, my issue I guess is not getting pregnant but rather having a successful pregnancy. I wish there was a word to describe my journey- I don’t fit in the infertility boat, but I don’t’ fit in the boat of success, so where do I fit in?

I am a little blue today processing all of this information but I am more hopeful than anything else, it’s just that the appointments make it so evident how normal I am not…but that’s okay, I know I am a daughter of the King and am His beloved!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Peace in the Unknowns

Kevin and I have been walking in many unknowns for the last several months. The unknown if we can ever conceive again, the unknown of when we would start trying again, the unknown of the future and what God is going to do with our lives.

In the midst of so many unknowns it is so hard to find that peace, you can find yourself caught up in the fear of the future that you lose sight of God and the fact that the future is in the palm of His almighty hand.

I have once again gotten sick, after flying in to PA to visit Jamie and Jodi I landed with a sore throat that progressed into a major sinus infection. I can’t seem to find health and I can feel Satan kicking me down with sickness. I know that God hates sickness and I know that in the midst of this sickness He is still in control and allowing me to get stretched beyond a point I ever thought I could go.

In the midst of all the unknowns Kevin and I are constantly seeking peace, seeking His voice, His hand, His plan. Although it is so hard at times we refuse to do anything less, and sometimes when I can’t seem to find that peace all I do is praise Him for who is, knowing and believing that He has great things planned for Kevin and I and our future!

The night before we found out we were losing Judah I was laying awake anticipating the ultra sound we were going to have the next day. We were anticipating finding out if we were going to have twins, it was a great possibility since my levels we so high. I can remember I kept asking God “God what will it be, one or two?” I can remember Gods response so clearly, “Beth, just wait and see what I have for you!” This has been a constant response as we seek God through all the unknowns.

I do truly believe with all my heart that God has the most perfect baby picked out for Kevin and I, I truly believe that God has the best in store for Kevin and I. Although I don’t know how it will come about, or how God will write our story, I do know I can expect great things from God.

So in the midst of all the unknowns right now please pray that Kevin and I would constantly hear God’s voice and nothing else, that we would have peace that passes understanding and that would stand on the promise to expect great things from God!