Thursday, August 28, 2008

Each Step, Each Movement

I am amazed at how many times I stumble around to find the words to describe what I am feeling in a moment. I can’t seem to find anything that really does justice to the fears, doubts, peace, and love I have at any given moment. Often times these all come at once, sometimes they come individually and sometimes they show themselves to me in the most unlikely pairs. Today, right now, this moment, it is all at once and more. I don’t know what causes me to be so overwhelmed all of the sudden; it is not like one particular thing has happened to make me feel this way. It just happens, and leaves me breathless and speechless.

I am overwhelmed that God has chosen Kevin and I to walk down this journey, you never think it will be you…you see other people walk it but you never think you will be asked, and it is me, it is us, we have been asked. I am thankful, I am honored, and I am humbled. I know God would not ask the weak at heart, or the frighten one to walk this journey; He knows He must call those who are strong, and eager at heart! I do not feel these things, I often feel very inadequate on this journey and am not sure I am walking it well, but I am doing my best, and I am walking it whether I want to or not.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to walk it, some days I wake up, and I walk it with a courageous heart, each step is a step of faith, strength, and eagerness to finsih the race. Other days I wake up, and my steps are just steps, each one agonizing and painful, but at least steps. Either way, it is still movement and action, it is still walking, it is still moving forward.

I am thankful that for the moment, decisions have been made for us, we cannot try for a child right now, we must wait. I am already finding myself anxious about when these three months are up, will I be ready? What decisions will we need to make next in the journey of wanting a family? I know those looking in, think that we would be so anxious and ready to get “Back on the Horse” and try, but you have to understand how each fall has been so deeply impacting, leaving behind scars that will never go away. I don’t know what the future looks like, I don’t know when I will have children, or if we are called to walk a childless life, either way I do know God is good.

I will never be the same person as I was before each pregnancy, I am forever changed. As the healing comes and as the pain takes on new color and feeling, I want to live life to the fullest. I don’t want to wait to have children to live, but I want to live now. No matter how painful this journey is, I have to believe that this is a gift, that this journey has been chosen by God for Kevin and I, we can either believe it is a curse, or we can believe that every day is a gift and God has chosen us, because he knows that we can handle it, not by our strength but by his. I rest in that assurance, I rest in his love and nothing less and nothing more. His love is enough!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Happy Brithday Mom!

I stare at a blank screen, how do you describe a woman in your life that means more to you than words can describe. Mom- you are a constant source of strength, a light in darkness, and a picture of Christ. I am overcome by emotion when I think of our journey together. Even from the moment I breathed my first breath on this earth I was your “Bethie” “pumpkin pie” and of course my favorite “Betharenie” (how do you even spell that one…?) We have laughed, cried, and stumbled through our relationship together, always coming out on the other end, standing strong and loving more.

I was your baby, your last one, and the one to push “all the right buttons.” I have challenged, argued, and always had to “have the last word.” I was the one child that “walks to a different beat” and is more like you then people realize. We have had our ups and downs, more ups then downs! You have seen me through stomach aches, broken friendships, broken hearts, a marriage, and now my journey into motherhood. You have come to my rescue and have held my hand on my darkest days. You are my first phone call in the morning, and my best shopping partner! You are my friend!

I am so thankful to have you in my life, and am honored to call you mom. You use to tell me all the time that you hoped I had a daughter just like me…. I pray that more now than I have prayed for anything else. I can only hope to be as good as a mother as you. You have done well Mom- you are not only a good mom, you are a GREAT mom and I love you.
Enjoy today mom, your life has impacted many- but it has impacted three very grateful people- your children. We are thankful for you, and are so blessed to have you as our mother; we thank God for choosing us to be your children.

Happy Birthday Momma!!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Let the rain fall! I can’t tell you what the rain is doing not only for our dry and weary land but for my soul- I need the rain in my life and I feel it describes my journey so perfectly- I have felt so dry and weary needing the Holy spirits rain- oh Let the Rain fall!

Today was such a peaceful day. Today God sent the rain to my spirit when my dear friend Susan, who walks a difficult journey of wanting a family as well, came and spent the afternoon with me. We spent much of our time curled up on the couch laughing, crying, talking, and listening. She lost her baby girl Jamie just about 9 months ago- she understands the ups and downs and feeling misunderstood and frustrated. It was such an encouragement to spend time with her and made for a perfect day! Thank you Susan!!

God is releasing peace in my life and I am taking it all in. Everyday holds a new emotion and recently it has been undeniable peace as I fall into the Grace of his hands. I am amazed by his love and astounded by his patience with me. He sends his rain by family, friends, neighbors, and strangers. I feel as though I am drenched by his healing presence. I know dry days will come and I know they will be hard, but I will wait for the rain to once again poor over me and wash me with its refreshing peace.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I Can't Change It...

I stand here in vulnerability and humbleness, I know no eyes are on me, but all I feel are the stares of people as they watch me in what is now an awkward place, and I can’t change it.

I stand as a mother with empty arms, and I am keenly aware of every mother who stands around me. I see them as they slip out to check on their child, as they play with their daughter’s hair, or as they tell their stories of something their child did this week, and I see the love in their eyes, I stand awkwardly in this place, looking in the glass window, this is not where I belong, and I can’t change it.

I am surrounded by hands lifted high, and voices praising God, and all I can do is stand, I can’t move, I can’t open my mouth, I can’t lift my hands, I used to be able to and now, well now It is just too hard, and just to awkward, and I can’t change it.

I watch my husband’s sad eyes, I see his concerning face, I know his heart is breaking, and I can’t change it.

All I can do is stand, and even this is difficult, my legs are weak and my body is tired, and my spirit is broken, my heart aches for something that was, and I can’t change it.

I praise God in the quietness of my heart, I seek his face in the darkness of the night, and I love him even in the midst of my awkwardness, I may not be able to change anything, but I can turn my heart to God. He is holding my babies, making them laugh and telling them stories of their mommy and daddy- I can’t change it- and I don’t want to….

Friday, August 22, 2008

Oh My's and Welcome!

I sit here this morning at my computer with much on my mind and not sure where to really start. First and for most I am very proud, I took a huge step this morning in this journey, I went to the gym! Oh my- not only did I go to the gym, but my legs are not really thanking me at this moment in time because I did a 90 minute cycling class…Oh my…. I am not sure what tomorrow morning will look like and if my legs will let Kevin and I do our weekly hike. It was such an accomplishment for me to get up early with Kevin, make my bed, and then drive to the gym, and then it was HUGE to walk into the gym without the comfort of Kevin, and a titanic move to actually attend the class. What struck me as monumental were not all these things I just said, but that I, for the whole 90 minutes, with a full class, did not have one anxiety attack (applause and I take my bow). Moments like these I hold onto with a tight grasp, for the healing is coming and I am embracing it! Now if I can just figure out how I can have church at the gym with everyone on a bike I just might make it through… (Just a random thought, the church could use a little exercise anyway).

I am looking forward to continuing this part of the journey, healing physically. With PCOS, I struggle with my weight. I cannot blame all my struggles on PCOS but does help me know the weight is going to come off slowly, a molasses dripping speed! I am okay with this; I am not looking to be thin, rather as healthy as I can be for when we get the okay to start trying again. They say if you just lose 10% of your body weight your chances for conceiving increase, why would I not do all I can do on my part. I have realized in the process of losing Judah, that even if we do everything right, you are not guaranteed anything, except the love of Christ. I however do know that Christ dwells within my human temple, and I want to take the best care of the body he has given to me.

Onto my next thought- there are many of you who have been so faithful in coming along with us on this journey, my words and expressions will never really say how much we appreciate it! The blog has been an outlet for me to connect with family and friends who wanted to know how Kevin and I were doing. It was a way for me to figure out my thoughts and became something I could always hold onto and look back at. Over the last month even the blog has taken on a new journey- changing in many ways and now it is open to so many new people who are looking for comfort by someone on a similar path. It is amazing how much strength you gather from others who are struggling and having the same thoughts and feeling, which is why I added my blog to a couple of lists that make it easier for people to find me and come along on the journey. New visitors I welcome you, I am so glad you have stopped by and are joining me on this difficult be rewarding path. I hope that through my writings you will find comfort but even more then that you will find Christ, which is my greatest hope for you. I can’t imagine walking this uphill battle without the Love that comes from my Father!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

My Wants for His Wants

It is coming more in moments now, rather than days- the hardness, grief, sadness… It catches me off guard. The other day it hit me in Gap- which is now what I consider the place for all expectant mothers, and mothers with young children, I think they all meet there for play group. It made its presence know the other morning, and then it completely overtook me yesterday afternoon. There are moments I am not sure I am going to make it, but one breath at a time I do. Yesterday Kevin just kept saying the name of Jesus over me; I don’t have the strength to even speak sometimes, so Kevin does it for me.

One of the hardest things in this turn of the journey: having to make decisions that I would not make if I were 21 weeks pregnant. I know I can’t live in the “what ifs,” sometimes that is the easier place to go. I get so frustrated sometimes because I don’t know which direction to turn, which decision to make, and then I have to face reality once again- I am not pregnant. I find myself repeating it over and over hoping that it will somehow wash over me and make it easier to accept – it doesn’t.

We are making plans for Christmas; this is so hard for me. As much as I wish it wasn’t, it is, I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, I want to celebrate Christ Birth in the most simplistic way as I can, and I believe when we really do this, it is most magnified to the King himself. Unfortunately as much as I want something, I am learning I must die to what I want, is that not the journey I am on right now? God is repeatedly asking for me to die to my wants for his wants, sounds easy but it is not easy at all.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Dreams do Come True

Right after we lost Judah someone very special to me sent me a link to this post. I sat watching this little girl and cried. Don't you know God smiles down every time he hears his children sing, I have to believe we all sound like this in his ears. What a healing song this was to my heart...
Dreams do come true!
(Remember to pause my music at the bottom of the screen, the singing is the best but this was the best clip i could find of her, sorry...enjoy!)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

27 Birthday Candles

27 Birthday candles each hold their own memories, their own tears, and their own journey.

27 Birthday candles each hold laughter, joy, and incredible moments

27 Birthday candles, have touched lives, changed hearts, and captured eyes

27 Birthday candles, have felt love deeper, joy indescribable, and sorrow untouchable

27 Birthday candles, have scars, have pain, and have healing

27 Birthday candles, was the last child to finalize a family, was a younger sister, was a pumpkin’ pie

27 Birthday candles, brought a wives heart, mothers yearning, and fathers joy

27 Birthday candles, held 27 wishes for her unborn children, her future children, and her mother’s heart

27 Birthday candles, 27 years of non stopping change, growth, and deeper passion for God

Thanks for being a part of my 27 Birthday Candles!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Happy Birthday my Sweet Bride


I know that your birthday today is bittersweet, as you won't be able to get your true wish fulfilled. I too yearn to hold our boys, even if for only a minute. I so disparately want to give you your hearts desire for your birthday, but there is nothing I can do. I just hope that today, your day is filled with God's love and joy.

I love you so much,
your husband - Kevin

Sunday, August 17, 2008

I Know...

I know that I am hard to talk to, I am sure you wonder if you have said the right thing or the wrong thing or if saying nothing at all was the best choice.

I know that I am overly sensitive, emotional, and unpredictable these days- I get it, sometimes I don’t even know the right thing to say to myself, so I understand how you might not know.

I know you wonder if you should come around or stay away, say something or nothing at all, mention my baby’s names or say no names, encourage or just listen.

I know you have great news, I know you are pregnant, how wonderful.

I know it will bring new grief to Kevin and my journey.

I know this is when it gets hard; I don’t want to know but need to know- I might cry, I might laugh, I might not do or say anything- but I do need to know.

I know- you must wonder how to say it, when to say it, or to say it all-

I do know that it is most painful when no one says anything; it hurts worse, and stings more because I must find out through the grapevine.

I know I can’t make it easier for you, and I can’t make it easier for me, it is just the boat Kevin and I are in-

I know I might not seem it, but I am happy for you- please just understand how hard this is for me, please see through my actions to my heart.

I know I am not around, and it is for many reasons, but right now your joy, is my sorrow.
I know I can’t change this- and I am learning this is okay.

I know I would never wish this journey on anyone, but I would not change it for anything.
I know, but it would be nice if you told me….
I know…

Hearing Heartbeats

My grief is heavy this morning. Sundays are always difficult days for me, it is these days I realize I am so far from being "normal." I wish I wanted to go to church, I wish I would wake up and be excited to put on my Sunday best, grab my Bible and attend church like every other person. But I can't, and there is not one ounce of me that wants to be at church right now. It is not because I don't love the people, teaching, worship..., it is not because I don’t long for the closeness of God (I have that everyday!), it is truly because I don't have the strength to attend, I don't want to go anywhere where I feel as though my healing worship and time with the Lord is somewhat on display. I feel as though people automatically see me at church and think to themselves that I am back to the old Beth, so happy I am coming, oh good "she is moving forward." I am not ready to move forward, not yet.

Grief is so beyond anything I have ever experienced. Some days I want healing, I am ready to be better, to move forward with a renewed hope and passion for the future. Then there are days, like today, that I am so far from wanting any of those things, because that means I am moving forward, forward from being pregnant, forward from loosing Judah, forward from this time where everyday it is the first thing I think about and the last thing I think about when I lay my head down. I know that it is natural to move on, to grasp new and better things in life, to not be in the midst of your grief, that is what I am suppose to want, so why don’t I want it?

I am not ready for it, but I know that it will happen, but for right now, I fall face forward into the sea of grief. I miss my babies more then you can ever know, I miss the excitement of a swelling belly, and anticipation for that little one, I don’t want anything, I only want to be in the sea of grief because it is here that if my spirit is quiet, I hear my babies heartbeats. I am not ready to let that go.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Hiking with Big D and Kevin

Today was a blessing! I got to spend it with David Bradley(aka Big D), who is really like a brother, and of course my favorite person, Kevin. It was nice to get away and once again enjoy God's water slide!! Enjoy the Pics!!!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Eddie Lee and Judah Tanner

Kevin finished Eddie Lee and Judah's sweet box. I don't know if he will write about this experience of not- but while Kevin was gone this was one of my projects. It is part of the journey and I think this is very healing yet it was difficult as well. I think the pictures will show the path of the journey-

I love you Kevin- thank you will never be enough- you are my rock and my strength, a God given gift!

Ramblings from Night to Afternoon

It is 1:35am and I feel as though my night is just beginning. I dread climbing the stairs to my bedroom, especially now with Kevin not there waiting for me. So I will stay here on the computer until I can barely keep my eyes focused, then I will take the dreaded steps to the bed, where I will read until I can’t keep my eyes open, then I will kind of sleep, but I will wait until the sun rises to get my best sleep. I am so happy Kevin will be home tomorrow.

I have been staying busy with my sister, she is finally picking colors out for her home and they have begun the task of painting. It is really looking amazing, and I have really enjoyed the time with her and my mom, plus I love making suggestions on colors!

I don’t have much to say or to write. I am finding that my moments in life are me living and not just functioning- these are such good things for me, I really feel I have come so far in a short time, and I know that I have a long way to go. It is really amazing how this journey is really a roller coaster ride, and something you can’t get off no matter how badly you wish you could.

It is now 12:52pm- I made it through the night- for those of you who have been praying for me, thank you, I slept well last night. I am thankful that in 3 hours Kevin will be walking in the door and we will have the whole weekend to recover from the time apart.

I find I am more motivated today, I never know when these days will surface, these are the days when the sun shines a little brighter, and I feel more encouraged. I have to soak them in because I don’t know when they will come again. They are defiantly gifts from the Lord that give me enough strength for the hard days that might follow.
God is good!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Our Little One

Thinking of you tonight our little one
Thinking of your smile, your laugh
Your eyes and your little life
We miss you little one

Who would you look like our little one?
your daddy, with dark hair, tender eyes, and a smile that lights up a room?
like me, freckles on your face, hooded eyes, and a laugh that is contagious?
Wish we could see you little one

What things would you say our little one?
What questions would you ask, what stories would you want
Would you be saying I love you mom, come play with me dad?
Wish we could hear your voice little one

What are you doing now our little one
Are you sitting on the father’s knee?
Playing on the streets of gold
And singing praises to our King
Wish we could be with you little one

Infertility? Who knows....

Infertility. That word holds so much for me right now. Am I on the infertility journey? I don’t know.

As I sit here and think about it I don’t know what to say- Kevin and I are able to conceive, we have just had two really hard hits. Kevin and I have had been on the journey since January of 2006- we have had 11 months of where there were hundreds of negative pregnancy tests, countless tears, sleepless nights, and broken hearts, but does that describe us as a couple on a journey of infertility. We have not heard no, or to stop trying because it will never happen. I do know that we have a lot of hurdles for God, but for God there are no hurdles.

I don’t know what you would describe Kevin and I as, I am not sure we have a definition that would fit us, I think that is why both of us feel so lonely sometimes, we don’t know where we fit in. We don’t fit in with families, we don’t fit in with young married couples, and we don’t fit in with couples that have been told that they will never get pregnant. We are a floating boat that feels very empty and very distant from the rest of the world.

Is this just part of it; is this just part of being on the journey? Honestly I don’t feel the assurance that I will ever conceive, is this wrong of me? It is being real. I pray to God, and on this subject, it is very silent. I feel his love, his promise to always love, and that is all I have. I am okay with that. I know that it would be so nice to look down the road and have the assurance that I will bare children of my own, but what if I look down the road and instead of preparing for a child, we are preparing not to have a child. That is why we don’t know, I can’t face that right now. I could not imagine facing a second loss, but regardless of how I felt, I did face it, and now I must walk it.

No one ever thought that I would lose Judah, but we did, it does not make God any less then who He says He is, it does not change his promise- but his promise is not to give me children- his promise is to always love me, I don’t embrace the promise of children- I embrace the promise of God himself. I have heard his whisper, felt his tears, embraced is love, and soared upon his wings- What more could I ask for?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I would Die For That

One of the things I find myself doing is going through blogs of others who are in and on a similar journey. It is a mixture of comfort and heartache as I realize how many husbands and wives are on the journey of wanting a family and feeling that in order to get there, you must climb the mountain in front of you- and even then there is no guarantee of what is at the top-only the love and promise of God himself.
I found this on one of the many blogs I visited- it is hard to watch but I feel it describes so much. (Make sure you pause my music at the bottom of the page before playing the video.)

A Few Distraction

These are a few things that keep me focused on other things, I am so thankful for my family!!
Ian Painting (Notice the "wright" tongue sticking out)

Sweet Abigail

My Buddy Daniel and his dog Chewie!

One Breath at a Time

I just got back from the doctor’s office and it was a tough morning. I usually try to get there early and mom and I always go through the back door so I can avoid all the people who are waiting for their appointments. My Doctor has been an incredible help and has really met my needs in more ways than I can count. Rhonda was the nurse that always took my blood- after going 12 weeks in a row you get to know the nurses on a deeper level. Rhonda always tried to make it as painless as she could. I was so sad when she told me she was going to be moving, I will miss her. Today I had Michelle, and she was new, which was hard. As I sat down the pregnant women started coming in, I had two weeks of feeling what they feel and doing what they do. Their appointments are exciting and I remember feeling that way. Now I am sitting on the other side, looking into their lives and wishing that was what I was doing, but instead I am getting my blood taken, making sure I have no pregnancy hormone left in my body. It is a mix of emotions each week as I see the numbers coming down. I am relieved of course as it is a good sign I do not have the cancer that can come from a molar pregnancy, but it is also the final thing, it is the last reminisce of being pregnant, everything about my body is changing, going from preparing to care for a child to trying to get back to normal. It is so much to take in. Michelle- the nurse who took my blood- shared her story of losing her daughter, I know it was hard for her to work in an office where all she does is be around pregnant women, I could never do this, but she was such an encouragement for me today. I am feeling overwhelmed today and grief is washing over me with a fresh wave. I must allow it to embrace me because I know the days never go away but they will not come as often, I am not ready to let them go. As of right now, I do not have to go weekly anymore, I can’t tell you what that does for me, this is such a relief and a new foundation for healing. I will only have to go once a month for three more months; we are making it, some day’s one breath at a time.

Blog Savvy

Just dropped Kevin off at the airport and it is always so hard, I hate being away from him and the house always feels so lonely. I am already anticipating his return. I am up this morning not only to drop of Kevin but because once again I have to go and get my blood taken to make sure my levels are staying down. I am hoping today will be my last weekly appointment and then I will just have to go monthly, what a relief that will be. The weekly appointments seem to be the hardest, I hate going and reliving it all over again, I have enough things that remind me daily that I am without my baby.

On another note, I am getting extremely blog savvy. I am sure you have noticed the music I have added, (I have picked each song out very carefully) the slide shows, the new template, the blog count, and the newest thing I have added, a site meter that monitors who is visiting. I only did this out of curiosity and it of course does not tell me the person that is visiting but rather the location. So I wanted to send out a hello to Canada, and New Zealand (these being the ones that stood out to me the most)! Of course I appreciate anyone who would take the time to watch and be a part of this journey, it really means more to me than anyone will ever realize. When I started writing, it was really just for me, and as it is still very much for me and for Kevin, it has become such an incredible outlet that really is reaching the world, who would have ever thought.

I am amazed that a journey so hard and so difficult is reaching people; it touches my heart in ways I cannot describe with words. –Thank you!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Walking and Knocking

I am home from the beach and it was very difficult to leave such a peaceful surrounding and lazy days, but it had to happen sometime. I was so happy to see Kevin and I was glad to be back in my home with my boys!! God is so good to have given me so much time with my mom at one of my most favorite places on earth, it was such a gift.

This morning I awoke early because I had an interview. It has been a hard decision but I decided that maybe I needed to get a job. I have not worked for over a year and it is has been such a blessing. After losing Eddie and moving, we just had so much on our plates that not working was an easy decision with Kevin and me. Then when we started trying to get pregnant again, I kept hoping that at some point I would be pregnant and would be preparing to be a stay at home mom. 11 months after losing Eddie my dream came true and I was pregnant, but as we all know God had different plans with baby Judah. So now I must face everyday knowing that right now, I will not be mothering my child.

After a lot of prayer, tears, and frustrations I saw that Curves was hiring and thought what a perfect job that would be, I can’t believe I walked all the steps in applying for that job. When I rolled out of bed this morning the reality of getting a job washed over me, it is so hard to give up a dream that was in your grasps for just few minutes and walk a journey that you did not think you would have to walk. I did not think I would be making a decision about going back to work, rather my thoughts always led to planning a nursery, having a shower, preparing my home, and anticipating the birth of my second child. I must kneel before my father with open hands and give these things up to him.

Appling to Curves and setting up the interview seemed to take off on its own, it really was not hard and things just seemed to happen naturally, I begin to really think this might be the job for me. I heard they were hiring Monday, Wednesday, and Friday 7:00am-1:30pm, I was so excited knowing these would be perfect for me. As I walked into Curves and waited for the manger I was getting more excited, however before she even began the interview she said she was only hiring Monday – Friday 3:00- 7:30pm, these hours would just not work for Kevin and I. I started crying right there in the middle of curves, oh I am so embarrassed even thinking about this. I will not give any more detail but I left 4 minutes after my “interview,” oh it was just awful.

I am glad God shut the door so clearly, I am so thankful. I am now fully aware that I am not as far along in my healing as I thought as I was. It has made for a hard day as I realize how far I have to go and how much I miss my babies. Someday I just feel so empty and am not sure what to do with myself. I know that in God’s timing he will lead me to the right job at the right time, for now he has said wait in so many areas of my life.

My dear friend and Sister Jamie and I were talking this morning, I kept saying to her “Jamie, God is not saying no to me right now, he just keep saying wait…” Sometimes waiting is the hardest thing to do, because there are no answers and you have to be content right where you are, like it or not.

I am so proud that I walked through those doors, that I took a step, and even though once again a door was shut at least I am still walking and I am still knocking!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Wonders From the Beach

Reflections Over a Sunset

What peacefulness I feel right now as I am watching the sunset. I can only hope that I can grab as much of this peace and take it home with me. Each passing second the sun drops a little more, it takes on new colors and it makes everything in its path take on a slightly golden touch. Moments like these make you reflect on things deep inside of you...

I can hear your quiet whisper,

feel your breath upon my face,

see you painting the sky vibrant colors

you are watching me, holding my hand

catching my tears, loving me.

Oh how your hand only works in magnificent ways

your eyes touch me and leave me wanting more of you

I sit quietly waiting for you

you show up in wondrous ways

you are always working, always moving, always wanting

you seek me and know me

you see my pain and your voice offers healing

you are mine and I am yours

you don't want anything more but me

I am enough for you and you are enough for me

you make me smile and you make me laugh

you place things in my life that I don't even see

you paint pictures in the sky

wash over me with your waves, taking my breath away

you are my dream, my story, my love

You are my God

Capturing With Your Heart

I can't believe we will be leaving tomorrow- this trip has been so healing to my soul and spirit. The Lord keeps blessing me with his wonders! This morning as I drank my coffee out on the deck and enjoyed the soft breeze and sunshine the Lord place a dolphin right in front of the house to do some dancing and jumping for me - reminding me that I should do the same not for the world but for my father! What a blessing!!! I tried to capture it with my camera but failed, the Lord gently whispered to me that some of the greatest wonders for us he does not want us to capture them by picture- he wants them to be captured in our hearts- just for us, it was a gift just for me.
Here are a few pictures I took of the sunsetting last night- it was such a blessing to watch it with my mom- the pictures do not do it justice- once again it was really just for us!

The picture below is the view from the pool we enjoyed everday!
This picture I just took- this is where I have been doing my writing, don't my feet look relaxed!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Ocean full of Healing

My day started off by waking up and rolling out of bed right around 9:30am, I lazily wandered downstairs for a fresh brewed cup of coffee. I took my hot cup of Joe and walked out onto the deck, sat down in a rocking chair and let the warm sun and caffeine wake me up. As I sat there my senses were slowly awaking as well, I could see fish jumping in the water, doing a private little dance for me, smell the salty beach, and hear a distant child calling for his daddy to come see something, all the makings of a perfect morning at the beach!

I finally made the decision I would head down for some mother daughter time at Holden Beach, NC. I cannot thank my Aunt Nela and Uncle Jim enough for allowing us to use their beach home for the remainder of the week. It was not easy leaving Kevin, but we both felt this was the best time to go, and all the puzzle pieces of life were slowly falling into place for Mom and I to escape, and escape we have!

After drinking our hot drinks and visiting some on the porch we decided to tackle the beach. I was picturing it all in my mind...setting up our chairs and an umbrella, and letting the waves sedate me into 'never never land.' Mom and I packed up a little red waggon with our chairs, towels, books, hats, and sunscreen- all the ingredients for relaxation, and headed down to the beach on our little scooters. Half way there mom's scooter decided that it had enough and needed a break and resulted in mom pushing the darn thing the rest of the way-I did have to giggle a little.

We finally arrive and as we approached the beach we quickly realized this must be the week to come, it was packed! We thought about just turning around then and there, but then decided against it, we figured we would find our own little spot and be fine. Well it took us fifteen minutes or so to figure out how to set up the umbrella- we were both out of breath and sweaty by the time we finally got the umbrella up and everything in place. We plopped down into our seats and as I took in the scene around me I realized that the family right in front of us had two baby infants - one being a baby boy, which is the hardest. I turned my chair around the other direction and tried my hardest to relax a bit, but it was crazy with all the kids and family.

Finally we were so hot we decided to attempt a swim, as my feet hit the water it was amazing, so cool and refreshing, I thought to myself "now this is what I've been waiting for." Mom was following close behind, and I had just dunked my head under the water and as I came up, I realized our hard work and best effort with the umbrella had just failed us, it was blown completely over, I am sure it was a site to see. Mom and I looked at each other and decided, that was it for us, we packed all our things up and headed back to the house. I was a little disappointed and was feeling quite overwhelmed- we decided to head to the pool, and this is where relaxation found us. We spent the remainder of the afternoon just two beauties basking in the sun- pure joy!

After a fabulous dinner and some shopping we decided to head to the beach that evening and walk. That was the best time to go, there was no one there, and I decided to head to the water for a swim. This time as my feet hit the water the healing hit my soul. What an amazing feeling to be swept away in the beauty of Gods waves, I was the only one in the water and it was heavenly. Somebody great (aunt Kimmie) once told me "there is something very healing about the ocean," and that there is, and I am feeling it. I told mom tonight, in one of my tearful conversations, that maybe the ocean is made up of all Gods tears that he has wept for each one of his children, me included, and as I swam in the ocean tonight my tears were added to Gods.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


So Kevin and I went on a walk tonight in new area that we found recently on one of our hikes. As we were on our way Kev yelled out "Look that's a bear..." I turned to look down at where a trailer park was and sure enough there was a black bear that had just crossed the road.

This was THE ONE time I did not bring my camera with us, so we got a picture (which is not very good) with Kevin's camera phone. We followed the bear for about 5 minutes, and it was so cool- just another wonder from God! How lucky are we!!!

Notice the black thing in the middle of the circle? Yes that is the bear. I know it does not look close and looks more like a big dog but I assure you that is a black bear!

To the Beach or Not...

My mom and I are trying to decide whether or not we should head down to the beach for the weekend. You might read that sentence and think it is a no brainer- come on the beach. I also feel this way, but am having such a hard time leaving my husband and my dogs. They are such a healing comfort to me and it is not easy task to leave, (and picturing me in a bathing suit right now does not look that good either). Decisions are some of the hardest things for me in the present moment; what to make for dinner, what to wear, where to go, what to do, are just a few examples of everyday decisions that are so hard for me. I at this point want to go, but also am aware that when I get home Kevin must take his first business trip to Texas, so it would be our first official week apart from each other since losing Judah and that is so hard. What to do? I just don’t know. I do dream about the waves and warm sun, feeling as though this would be such a healing experience for me. We shall see.

Monday, August 4, 2008

God is Love

It is a Monday afternoon around 2:27pm; some days are long days and today seem to be a long day. I spent the majority of last night and this afternoon reading through all my blogs, you really can see the ups and downs of the journey. Then I spent some time reading through blogs written by parents who had lost infants at a young age, some only living moments, seconds, or days, I cannot imagine the journey these remarkable parents are on.

I ran into these blogs when I went on a search for mothers who were maybe on a similar path as mine. I was hopeful but in the end came away feeling more lonely. I can’t find anyone (at least not the internet) who has had an ectopic pregnancy, a molar pregnancy, PCOS, and also the struggle of conceiving (I think I was really hopeful). Many women I found who had had the experience of a molar pregnancy had children before or right after. I am sure there are a handful of women who have struggled with something similar or even more difficult than anything I have gone through. I am fully aware that even if there was someone it would still be such a different story as not every story is ever exactly alike. I think I was just lonely.

On my search I was truly struck at how much pain is in this world, I am extremely sensitive to this reality right now especially when it comes from losing a child. What amazes me even more are people who are dealing with this sadness, truly alone with no belief in God, for me it is only by God grace that I am able to put one foot in front of the other. It is one thing for parents to have to bury their children before them, it is not how life is suppose to go, but to have to do it without the knowledge of how much God loves you, I just can’t imagine. I do pray for the parents, that they would experience Gods love and Grace in their lives.

My sweet Kevin is helping me grieve by building me a special box for our two unborn children. It is beautiful and I will post pictures as he finishes it. One thing that is a difficult concept for me is that I never, not even for a second got to hold either one of the children God gave me. I have little things given to each of them, I have a couple of outfits given to me, or that I bought for them, cards and notes that I want to hold onto, that I will place inside this box, it will be the only physical thing I can hold onto, but it will never really take away the ache I feel in my arms.

God is consistently Love; my dad gave me a great phrase that helps me know exactly where I am….
“God is love, I know God loves me, I am trusting Gods love.” That’s it my friends, that is my life right now, one second at a time through Gods love. I pray this for everyone who does not have God to hold onto, I pray this love into their lives.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

A Little Something...and Everything inbetween


You are the King the Almighty One
Asking me to give you my son

Wash me away with your breath
Taking away the fear of death

I must truly die to live
The only thing I know to do is give

I give you my child my king
And praises is all I can sing

You are the one I love
You truly reign above

I know these things, oh as hard as they are to believe
But when I truly let go is when I am truly relieved

You are so good so worthy to be praised
Even though I die, in you I am raised

You are God you are king
To you I sing

I am tired I am weak
You are strong you are who I seek

I am on my face there is nowhere to go
But you my father is who I know

I know my mother’s heart
You are the one that put it there from the start

I crawl into your hands
The tears fall as numerous as the sand

You count them all and save each one
You pour them out on your beloved son

And as I cry the healing comes
As bright and shining as the morning sun

I must praise you; it is the only thing I know
Not for people not for show

It is you who I love as the mountains love the rain
I need you and want you for you are who reigns


Saturday, August 2, 2008

This weekend's Hike

For this weekend's hike, we went to Twin Falls in Pisgah National Forest. It was beautiful, and we had a great time.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Healing Day

Today I am feeling so amazed by Gods love in my life. I feel as though He is refining me and although along the journey it is the greatest pain I might ever experience it is worth every moment and every foot step. He is replacing my eyes with his, he is opening the doors to others, who journey I cannot imagine walking, but am drawing strength from. Everyday light is shining brighter then the day before and I feel a renewed hope. I know this can only be from him as I am very weak on my own. Today I remember sweet Elizabeth and Selah, two beautiful little girls that God called to ride the wings of heaven. I am amazed how their little lives have had such an incredible impact, even though their first breaths were taken in the presence of the Almighty One. It is so like our God to take something so small and innocent and show his amazing wondrous plans through them, I hold on tightly to that truth. I am thankful for their lives, thankful to their mothers and am thankful that God has called me on this journey. Although some days it feels like a nightmare I know that he will bring morning light, and the realization that this is so far from the terrible nightmare that I may feel it is. These are the days I hold tightly onto; as I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and the wind blow through my hair I know God is whispering his promises of hope, peace and Joy. I don’t know what a day will bring but I do know that today God is bringing his healing, and I can feel it so strongly, there really are no words to describe how this feels.