Infertility. That word holds so much for me right now. Am I on the infertility journey? I don’t know.
As I sit here and think about it I don’t know what to say- Kevin and I are able to conceive, we have just had two really hard hits. Kevin and I have had been on the journey since January of 2006- we have had 11 months of where there were hundreds of negative pregnancy tests, countless tears, sleepless nights, and broken hearts, but does that describe us as a couple on a journey of infertility. We have not heard no, or to stop trying because it will never happen. I do know that we have a lot of hurdles for God, but for God there are no hurdles.
I don’t know what you would describe Kevin and I as, I am not sure we have a definition that would fit us, I think that is why both of us feel so lonely sometimes, we don’t know where we fit in. We don’t fit in with families, we don’t fit in with young married couples, and we don’t fit in with couples that have been told that they will never get pregnant. We are a floating boat that feels very empty and very distant from the rest of the world.
Is this just part of it; is this just part of being on the journey? Honestly I don’t feel the assurance that I will ever conceive, is this wrong of me? It is being real. I pray to God, and on this subject, it is very silent. I feel his love, his promise to always love, and that is all I have. I am okay with that. I know that it would be so nice to look down the road and have the assurance that I will bare children of my own, but what if I look down the road and instead of preparing for a child, we are preparing not to have a child. That is why we don’t know, I can’t face that right now. I could not imagine facing a second loss, but regardless of how I felt, I did face it, and now I must walk it.
No one ever thought that I would lose Judah, but we did, it does not make God any less then who He says He is, it does not change his promise- but his promise is not to give me children- his promise is to always love me, I don’t embrace the promise of children- I embrace the promise of God himself. I have heard his whisper, felt his tears, embraced is love, and soared upon his wings- What more could I ask for?