Tuesday, August 12, 2008

One Breath at a Time

I just got back from the doctor’s office and it was a tough morning. I usually try to get there early and mom and I always go through the back door so I can avoid all the people who are waiting for their appointments. My Doctor has been an incredible help and has really met my needs in more ways than I can count. Rhonda was the nurse that always took my blood- after going 12 weeks in a row you get to know the nurses on a deeper level. Rhonda always tried to make it as painless as she could. I was so sad when she told me she was going to be moving, I will miss her. Today I had Michelle, and she was new, which was hard. As I sat down the pregnant women started coming in, I had two weeks of feeling what they feel and doing what they do. Their appointments are exciting and I remember feeling that way. Now I am sitting on the other side, looking into their lives and wishing that was what I was doing, but instead I am getting my blood taken, making sure I have no pregnancy hormone left in my body. It is a mix of emotions each week as I see the numbers coming down. I am relieved of course as it is a good sign I do not have the cancer that can come from a molar pregnancy, but it is also the final thing, it is the last reminisce of being pregnant, everything about my body is changing, going from preparing to care for a child to trying to get back to normal. It is so much to take in. Michelle- the nurse who took my blood- shared her story of losing her daughter, I know it was hard for her to work in an office where all she does is be around pregnant women, I could never do this, but she was such an encouragement for me today. I am feeling overwhelmed today and grief is washing over me with a fresh wave. I must allow it to embrace me because I know the days never go away but they will not come as often, I am not ready to let them go. As of right now, I do not have to go weekly anymore, I can’t tell you what that does for me, this is such a relief and a new foundation for healing. I will only have to go once a month for three more months; we are making it, some day’s one breath at a time.