Sunday, August 17, 2008

Hearing Heartbeats

My grief is heavy this morning. Sundays are always difficult days for me, it is these days I realize I am so far from being "normal." I wish I wanted to go to church, I wish I would wake up and be excited to put on my Sunday best, grab my Bible and attend church like every other person. But I can't, and there is not one ounce of me that wants to be at church right now. It is not because I don't love the people, teaching, worship..., it is not because I don’t long for the closeness of God (I have that everyday!), it is truly because I don't have the strength to attend, I don't want to go anywhere where I feel as though my healing worship and time with the Lord is somewhat on display. I feel as though people automatically see me at church and think to themselves that I am back to the old Beth, so happy I am coming, oh good "she is moving forward." I am not ready to move forward, not yet.

Grief is so beyond anything I have ever experienced. Some days I want healing, I am ready to be better, to move forward with a renewed hope and passion for the future. Then there are days, like today, that I am so far from wanting any of those things, because that means I am moving forward, forward from being pregnant, forward from loosing Judah, forward from this time where everyday it is the first thing I think about and the last thing I think about when I lay my head down. I know that it is natural to move on, to grasp new and better things in life, to not be in the midst of your grief, that is what I am suppose to want, so why don’t I want it?

I am not ready for it, but I know that it will happen, but for right now, I fall face forward into the sea of grief. I miss my babies more then you can ever know, I miss the excitement of a swelling belly, and anticipation for that little one, I don’t want anything, I only want to be in the sea of grief because it is here that if my spirit is quiet, I hear my babies heartbeats. I am not ready to let that go.