Thursday, August 21, 2008

My Wants for His Wants

It is coming more in moments now, rather than days- the hardness, grief, sadness… It catches me off guard. The other day it hit me in Gap- which is now what I consider the place for all expectant mothers, and mothers with young children, I think they all meet there for play group. It made its presence know the other morning, and then it completely overtook me yesterday afternoon. There are moments I am not sure I am going to make it, but one breath at a time I do. Yesterday Kevin just kept saying the name of Jesus over me; I don’t have the strength to even speak sometimes, so Kevin does it for me.

One of the hardest things in this turn of the journey: having to make decisions that I would not make if I were 21 weeks pregnant. I know I can’t live in the “what ifs,” sometimes that is the easier place to go. I get so frustrated sometimes because I don’t know which direction to turn, which decision to make, and then I have to face reality once again- I am not pregnant. I find myself repeating it over and over hoping that it will somehow wash over me and make it easier to accept – it doesn’t.

We are making plans for Christmas; this is so hard for me. As much as I wish it wasn’t, it is, I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, I want to celebrate Christ Birth in the most simplistic way as I can, and I believe when we really do this, it is most magnified to the King himself. Unfortunately as much as I want something, I am learning I must die to what I want, is that not the journey I am on right now? God is repeatedly asking for me to die to my wants for his wants, sounds easy but it is not easy at all.