I have still been struggling to write. I just don't have the words to say what my heart is crying out. This grief of missing Daniel is different then any other grief I have experienced. It is not like the loss of the babies and in some ways it is a greater, deeper pain. I think because every time I hurt I think about what Dan and Wendy (Daniel's parents) are experiencing, losing a son of almost 22 years. When I experienced the loss of the pregnancies it was a personal grief to Kevin and I, this grief of Daniel is a wave that runs deep in the hearts of many people- not just me.
It's just so different.
I think one of the reasons I struggle writing is because I am not ready to move beyond to mundane things. I could update the blog about the boys, about things going on in my personal life outside of the grief of Daniel- but to me this feels like moving on...I want to sit in this moment of deep feeling as long as I can...I am not ready for life to be normal- will there ever be a normal with out my Daniel boy?
I am praying that God would grant me the words to write Daniels story- Daniel has an incredible story even up to the moment when God called him home. I know Daniel would want as many people to know about it. Please pray that God would take over one of these days and release the words on to paper- it can't be anything of me it must be all of Him.
For now that is why I am quiet...because for now when the boys are distracted and I am not needed, I sit in silence with the Lord and let my heart grieve the way it wants to. Sometimes this is deep mourning and tears and sometimes I celebrate what Daniel is doing in the presence of the Almighty King.
Today- it is missing my brother-