Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I will be going to the hospital Thursday morning to have Tyler by C-section. They did an ultrasound at 37 weeks and he was already weighing in at 8 1/2lbs!!!!! BIG BOY!!! So the next week after they checked me and I was still not laboring at all they decided to discuss a C-section with me. We decided to go ahead and schedule a date and if he was to come before then well we would be ready….he seems to be cozy though! This last appointment they were a little concerned about my swelling, spiked weight gain and rising blood pressure so they put me on bed rest until Thursday. I will go in on Thursday and they will start the c-section at 11:30am. We are so excited and so ready~!
Jaden continues to amaze me and I struggle some with the thought of being away from him for two days. My amazing mom will be helping me in such big ways including taking Jaden for two days while I am at the hospital. I am a little anxious about the days to come as I know the recovery from a c-section will not be easy. I will not be able to lift Jaden for two weeks, so I can’t be left a lone. My mom will be a huge help but I also know she is torn between two places as she also cares from my 93 year old Nana. I constantly have to rely on God throughout this journey and know He is in control and all of this is a blessing!
I will try and post an update once Tyler is here but I have a feeling that the blog will be taking a backseat in the months to come. We are still updating Jaden’s website with pictures and if you would like the password and website please just let me know!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I relive the day Jaden was born…. I can remember hovering over Sweet Girl as she pushed life into this world. I will never forget the look on Liesl's face when they held up her son for the first time, with tears flowing down her face all she could say was "he is beautiful..." and he was. I remember falling into our amazing nurse - Beth's - arms and whispering to her, "pray for her, please pray for her..." I remember following Jaden over to the bed and watching them wrap this sweet bundle up- I whispered a sweet welcome to him and then watch as the placed Jaden into Liesl's arms- I stepped back watching a moment of such intense love I thought I would melt. Liesl gazing upon Jaden with awe and disbelief that she brought this little one into the world and she had chose life for him.
I knew at that moment that nothing could separate the bond between a mother and a child- I don't care who you are. God had chosen to place life inside this young girl. This is where the impact of infertility still rears its ugly head- the question of "why?" But I cannot question God, I know His ways are not our ways and I rest in his goodness. For our journey I see what a gift our little Jaden is in Liesl's life- in a way he in return is offering her life. Sweet Girl is choosing to make better choices so that she can make Jaden proud of her. Jaden will always be proud of her because Kevin and I will always remind him of the amazing choice she made not only in having him but giving him to us. I am so very proud of Liesl.
My flesh may struggle some with the thought of another women in Jaden's life, as a mother you want to be the most important, the only one, but that is not what God has asked of my life as a mother. God has asked me to become a first time mom through adoption, and I am honored that he has chosen Kevin and I to raise Jaden. I am so thankful I am submissive to the Holy Spirit, for when he overtakes I am overcome with Joy that Jaden has sweet Liesl in his life.
You will hear us call Liesl and Tyler (her brother) our family. This could not be any truer if my mom and dad were their mom and dad. I cannot explain the love we have for them; I cannot explain the bond that has formed. We are not "acting" as a family, or just "saying" we are a family, in our eyes and I KNOW God's eyes we are family. Liesl is really coming for Thanksgiving and I am beyond excited because I know when it is a God story, as this one is, then it is going to be an AMAZING week with them because it is nothing of us and everything of HIM.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
How my heart longs to speak to yours, to encourage you, to speak words of life, patience and endurance. I can remember the waiting days; they are only but a moment in the past. Their ache, grief and questioning still leave their marks on my heart. Yet as I sit here now I sit with a heart full of joy.
As I am living out my miracle I can’t help but think of you, remember you and carry you with me. I can’t help but think about what I would say to you as you endure your wait, as you see one more negative pregnancy test, as you learn you are losing a baby. I can’t help but want to encourage you, to speak to your aching heart and let you know that your joy is just around the corner, and that the wait- well the wait is worth it and the journey- the journey is what makes the joy that much sweeter!
I know sweet Waiting Mother that it is hard to see beyond the tears that fill your eyes and the grief that fills your heart; I know how hard it is to see beyond the hundredth negative pregnancy test and the not so good report from your doctor. I know your heart hurts every time you hear of one more friend, relative or coworker who is pregnant. I know you try so hard not to question God, but in the quietness of your heart you find yourself questioning God. I understand the sleepless nights, the endless frustration and the hurt that comes from comments of people who just don’t get it. I just want you to know that in the end, it is all worth it.
There will come a point where you look back over your journey and you will be at peace with every step, every tear, and every loss. You will still grieve, it will still hurt, and the scar will remain but the joy you will have will heal in a way that is beyond comprehension. I just want you to know that the journey will be worth it, I can promise you that your joy will come in the morning and although there seems to be no end to the darkness in sight, it will end.
So hang in there, cast that net one more time and watch as God fills it with unexpected joy that will be beyond anything you could ever ask, imagine, or dream of.
You on the other Side!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The other day Jaden was having a hard time finishing up his nap, moments before his crying began I received a text message from Liesl asking for a picture of "her baby" my heart dropped...but why? Jaden will forever be Liesl’s baby, I can't take this part of the journey away from either of them, and the Holy Spirit within me does not want me too. My flesh, my mother’s heart struggles some with this. I went into Jaden's room and scooped him up and let the tears fall. Our journey with Jaden is through adoption, Liesl, she is forever his birth mom, that is how God intended it to be and I know that. I just never knew how much I would love this little one, on a daily basis I forget he is adopted, he feels like mine, I feel like I gave birth to him but I didn't and that is not the journey God called us to.
Today I was re-reading through some of my journal entries when we had just found out about Jaden and were be called into this families life. It was so good for me to read again because it reminded me of what our calling is. Today Liesl and I had a great conversation, one that was much needed. This sweet girl is struggling with grief, she loves Jaden and I am thankful for that, she is the reason we get to have this sweet blessing in our lives. He is my son, he is my baby, he is our boy but ultimately he is God's child, we were chosen to be his parents. With Jaden I constantly have to open my hands to the Lord and give him back, but I have constant reminders that God really did "choose" us to be his parents. With Ty, I am going to have to do the same, and although I will give birth to Ty, my love for him will not be greater than my love for Jaden, they are my sons and there will be no difference.
Anyway I wanted to share the entry with you guys because this is our heart when it comes to Jaden and his journey. Liesl, Tyler and hopefully LeAnn (Their mom) will join us for Thanksgiving and we will stand together the Sunday after and dedicate this sweet little one to the Lord, we will also make a statement that we are a family forever, all because God choose to use this little boy in such BIG ways! I just needed to be reminded that we are called to Love as our Savior loves!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Reckless Abandonment Love, this is what God is calling Kevin and I to do with the family of SG, we are to love her without holding back, without understanding it from a human perspective, because humanly it seems impossible to do such a thing.
To love this family and let them be, not just involved but extremely involved in this little boys life. It is not about me being a mother, it is about laying down my life, laying down my expectations, wants and desires for God. God does not love this family with conditions, fears or holding back, he loves this family with everything His character is. The spirit inside of me will love this family with that love if I can lay down my flesh, my fears… and that is what Kevin and I are going to do. We are going to love this family into the kingdom of God, I am not worried about this little boy being confused because that is thinking and seeing things with a human perspective, I must die to that. I must see things with Gods eyes, knowing that ultimately God is this little boy’s Father, and He has the best at hand for him.
So when you speak to Kevin and I you will hear us speak about this little boy growing up not just knowing of his birth mom, birth grandmother, birth uncle, you will hear about how he is going to grow up loving them, seeing them, and knowing who they are in his life.
It is reckless abandonment love, not my love, not Kevin’s love, but God’s love pouring out of us! This journey is not just about Kevin and I getting to raise a son, but also raising a family into the kingdom and love of God! How exciting this journey is no matter what happens in the end, God is faithful He has GREAT things planned for Kevin and me!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Just added new pics to our family album, please don’t hesitate to ask for that password or address!
Monday, October 5, 2009
You would think after two losses that could have taken my life but didn’t , after months and months of waiting and finally receiving, after years of trying and finally conceiving, after thousands of tears shed out of pain to tears shed of joy, sleepless nights of worry to sleepless nights to a baby, I would be able to say “YES I trust!!”
As crazy as it may seem I find myself once again being challenged beyond my expectations… Do I trust? I want to “say” yes, but my heart is struggling. Kevin got sick and diagnosed with the flu. By this point Jaden and I have been exposed to it and there is nothing I can do to change that fact. Saturday afternoon you would have peeked into my home and seen a panic stricken wife, mother, and pregnant women. I called Jaden’s dr. first thinking he was at greatest risk only being 7 weeks old. When the nurse found out I was 27 weeks pregnant her concern shifted to me…. I was not thinking of me…this was about Jaden. However, I was the one at greatest risk.
So my OB calls, and treats me with Tama flu and tells me to stay away from Kevin. This was not going to be easy and I felt my heart dropping because I rely so much on Kevin to help me with Jaden since I am suppose to be “resting.” All of the sudden trusting God was flown out the window as my flesh, fears, and anxiety overtook. All I kept thinking was “how in the world am I going to do this??” and once again the sweet whisper kept saying and is still saying “Do you trust ME??”
As I write this I am sitting at my parents house. God is so good to give me such wonderful parents that step in in ways I cannot describe with words. They packed me and Jaden up and brought us into there home. In the mean time, they have had a beach trip planned for months, they are suppose to leave Sunday morning. Mom takes Jaden for the whole night to give me as much rest as I can get. Once again I am laying in bed with anxious thoughts about what tomorrow would bring and how I was going to be able to stay at my parents house alone with Jaden, I can’t lift his car seat so I can’t even go out…what was I going to do for three days?
“Do you trust ME?”
When I got up the next morning and went upstairs before I could say anything to my mom she says “I am staying here to help you, don’t argue I already made up my mind…” My heart dropped because I knew I was ruining their beach trip. Which, and this will be another post for another time, I seem to pick the most inopportune time to “need” my parents. Just a few examples….. Breaking my ankle in 7th grade Thanksgiving day (my mom host 50 guest…) Molar pregnancy …my parents were at the beach and had to come home, even when Jaden was born and my mom was with me, my 93 year old Nana fell and my mom could not get home to be with her…all things I don’t mean to plan yet I seem to interrupt (a note to my family, I really don’t plan these things I PROMISE…). “Do you trust ME??”
Even still, I struggle thinking Jaden is going to get this flu, but what do I have to fear? What can the enemy throw in our direction that the Lord is not already aware of? What can touch me that has not passed through the fingers of the Almighty? And at the end of the day who do I trust my life with?
“Do you Trust ME??”
With all my heart Lord, help me to die to my flesh, to my fears, to my anxiety and choose LIFE abundant and fulfilled with your Holy Presence. You are my refuge and I rest under the shadow of your wings….
Saturday, September 26, 2009
It is so much fun watching Kevin as a father, and even more fun to watch him amazed at how much formula and diapers we go through. Before we had Jaden and before we knew we would be having two babies so close in age Kevin and I discussed using cloth diapers, now I think he realizes just how convenient diapers really are, yet, how expensive they are too!
One thing I have not written about much is my pregnancy. I am now 26 weeks and the last few dr. visits I have had they have warned me of pre-term labor. I am not in pre-term labor however I am having strong Braxton hicks, and with a new born am not getting the rest I would be getting if I was just six months pregnant. It is a unique situation to be six months pregnant and have a 5 week old; I have yet to find a book on how to accomplish both....
And so God has been teaching me so much about sacrificing. I am having to sacrifice so much of what I thought life would be like with Jaden, since I am having to also take care of sweet Ty. I am having to sacrifice my wants and expectations in order to rest and maintain a healthy environment for Ty. But isn't this exactly what parenting is really about, sacrifice? Didn't Christ our Father pay the ultimate sacrifice for his children and are we not to walk in the same ways?
It is a constant lesson, you would think I would have learned it on my journey into parenting, yet here I am learning it in the midst of parenting. I am thankful for the lesson and know that I have many more to learn!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The blog I posted this past week was called "Stepping Down." In it I describe that I was being asked to step down from the platform in the IF community, I realize now that I am not really stepping down, I will always have a voice when it comes to waiting and loss, however my journey has now taken me into parenting, and this I feel is my new platform. I also talked about how I wish I could so desperately take you girls who have been my closest friends in my waiting and darkness with me, however I now realize that you are walking it with me, cheering me along and setting aside the ache in your own heart to find joy for me.
5 weeks ago I was still waiting for my miracle. Even though we knew sweet Jaden was on his way I was still dealing with doubt and fear because all I have known is loss, so I in a way I was expecting loss. When the miracle of Jaden was born, and I held him in my arms and realized he was my son my world changed. Everything I ever knew slowly disappeared and took on a new shade. My wait, my loss, they all looked different in the eyes of a girl who was holding what she had been waiting for.
When I sit down to write out my emotions they get stuck in my heart because I don’t ever want to be the cause of pain for others. I can remember my closest friends struggling to tell me they were pregnant, I remember the joy for their miracle but the pain of loss and sorrow that entered my heart at the same time. I know when those of you who are still waiting for your miracle read about my journey into parenting, it will cause sorrow, and everything in me wishes so badly I was not the one causing this pain. So it has been easier for me just to not write or say anything about the joy I am experiencing, because I don’t want to cause you pain.
I am amazed by each of you, your support and love overwhelms me. I also remember all the times I had to push aside the ache inside my own heart to embrace someone else’s miracle, and I have to say I don’t regret ever doing that.
My journey has changed, and it is not fair to anyone for me to write about loss and waiting but not turn around and write about my joy and the gaining of a son.
On August 14th, Jaden Daniel was born. My heart melted the moment I saw him. My knees buckled and the nurse had to catch me, a part of me I never knew blossomed and bloomed and I became a mother.
To say I am in love with this little one is understatement. I never knew I could have a love like the love I am experiencing for Jaden, it is unlike anything I have ever experienced. When I look into his eyes, when I him hear cry, when I see him sleeping my heart explodes and I know that I am doing exactly what I am called to do. I would have waited a life time for sweet Jaden and I will never understand Gods favor on Kevin and I.
Thank you for being apart of this journey, for supporting me, for walking along side of me even in the midst of your sorrow and ache, you will never ever know how much it has meant to me. Please know I never mean to be insensitive in my writings, but it is time that I step up on a new platform that God has given to me- parenting! I am excited that my writings will change from waiting to having, from loss to gain, from sorrow to joy. We serve a good God!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
One of the reasons it has taken me so long to write on my blog is because I am not sure what direction my blog is about to take. For so long this was my journal on grief of losing two babies, on negative pregnancy tests, on the journey of wanting a child so desperately and the lessons God was teaching me through each moment. Now this journey is about the gain of a child through adoption but not just any kind of adoption, open adoption. And soon adding our second son through pregnancy!
I have always wanted my writing and sharing to be open and honest, how else can the glory of the Lord be shown? Honesty is the only way that anyone will truly see that this journey was not by man’s hand but only by the Lords. To describe our journey to Jaden, Liesl and Tyler will take months, I think as I slowly continue to process all God has and still doing sharing will become easy and natural, but right now it is still so fresh and still so emotional that when I sit down to write out my experience I am actually left with a blank slate. I can’t find the right words to describe all that God accomplished.
I have written about my journey and this adoption along the way, I am going to share with you guys a couple of my journal entries in the next couple of months. They have been fun to go back and re-read.
Here was my first one after getting the call about Jaden:
Turning the Corner
This Blog is dedicated to turning the corner and walking into the long desired roll of being a mom. It is not the conventional way, where I get a positive pregnancy test, and make a creative
announcement. For me those things I don't think will ever happen because of all that Kevin and I have been through, we have lost our innocence in pregnancy. Actually as of now the road into parenting looks completely different then I think Kevin and I could have ever imagined.
On Sunday February 15th we got a call from a pastor that I worked with a while back, wanting to know if Kevin and I have ever been interested in adoption. Yes we have but we have never felt that it was the right time. In fact right before we found out we were pregnant with Judah we were praying about moving forward with adoption, God closed that door and the door to getting pregnant for awhile. The call from the former pastor was nothing we were anticipating, expecting or even thinking about.
After he asked us where our hearts were with adoption he began to tell us about a young girl who was pregnant and if we would be interested in adopting her baby. YES!! YES!!! YES!! (I will be very guarded with name and locations wanting to protect the birth mom’s journey and heart.) For us it was an instant yes, with guarded hearts. As of right now we are moving forward with this adoption although we know that things could turn in another direction in a second.
Sweet girl (which is how I will refer the birth mom as) is due in August. We know this family and I do have some connection with them, although as of now we are not talking with any of them to protect all hearts involved.
We are having started the process with an agency where she is from and we will began with our agency here in North Carolina which is called Amazing Grace! I am more than excited but also very aware of how the risk involved. The reality for me and wanting to be a mom is that risk is going to be involved even if I were to get pregnant, it is the journey God has asked me to walk and I okay with that. I have learned so much on this journey to parenting, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that God is always good no matter what He may ask us to walk through. If I never become a mom here on earth it is okay because it does not change my love for God or my faith in God, God is good no matter what. I hold onto that reality when my arms ache to be a mother. God is my fulfillment not my children, I am already filled with His amazing love and grace!
Kevin and I are excited and are moving forward in praying for this baby and all God is going to do. Please come along side of us and pray for Sweet Girl, as this journey is scary and difficult, I am praying that she will find God, not the religion, but the relationship he longs to have with her. I am also praying for the baby, that God would place that baby exactly where He longs for them to be. We have our palms open, wanting only Gods best for all involved. I am excited about journaling this exciting journey- even though we do not know how the God will journal the ending, I am ready to be a part of his story!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
We will not be posting pictures on my blog, because it is so public. We will set up a photo album, if you would like the password please email me email@example.com. Hopefully we will have that set up in the next day or so.
thanks for all the prayers, please keep the coming, we are ready to be home with this little one!!!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Unable to update now. Please continue to pray for Liesl and this time of transition, she is doing amazing and is a strong young women.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Liesl is amazing, our journey is amazing and God is constantly amazing us. It seems to be a theme. God is showing himself to Liesl in ways I am even astonished by. He is calling out to her and her family wanting to love her right where she is at. We are staying busy, laughing a lot and having lots of heart to heart conversations. We have stopped telling people we are “like” sisters and have moved right in to being “sisters.”
Yesterday was such an eventful and unexpected day. My routine has been to get up early and spend some time alone and with God, allowing him to fill my heart with his love and strength. After a couple of hours Liesl and I always meet up for the rest of our day and yesterday was no different, except God showed up in such huge ways. Before yesterday “C” (Jaden’s birth father) would not sign papers, he was totally against signing anything. Liesl and I decided to call our agency and make a meeting together to talk through some of the things that are to come and when Liesl placed the call she never expected to here that Beth Woods (agency councilor) was on her way to meet with C and his mom to get papers signed. We were shocked and anxious. I immediately sent out a prayer request to my family to PRAY PRAY PRAY, an hour later we got the phone call… C SIGNED!
We were both overwhelmed and excited, God is so faithful and this has been His journey and story from the beginning. Liesl and I have talked a lot about the days to come, the emotions that will follow and the doubts we are having. She is confident in the decision she is making, but giving up a child is the hardest thing any girl or women could ever do. I lost my children not by choice, Liesl is CHOOSING to give her son the BEST life she can, and I am truly amazed by her.
I ask that you would be in prayer as the day gets closer; I know emotions will run strong and I know we cannot truly prepare ourselves for what is to come. Please pray especially for Liesl and her family as they walk this journey. God is faithful and will continue to be faithful!
Liesl had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, she is 4cm dilated and fully effaced! They are expecting any day but if she does not come by Wednesday of next week they will talk inducing, which means Jaden will be with us in less than two weeks!!!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I am doing well, getting nervous and am anxious about his arrival. I still don’t think I will rest easy until this little one is in my arms and we are heading towards the Blue Ridge Mountains. I am overcome with emotion for what I know Liesl is going to experience and am in deep prayer for her constantly.
I am thankful for God’s sovereignty and rest in it by the minute. I know God is faithful and I know I can’t rest in my expectations or wants but I can rest in the love He has for me and this family.
Thanks for all the prayers we need them!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I did sleep the best I have slept in weeks last night, Kevin said he slept well last night too and I think it is because we are at such a peace with me being here. The goodbye at the airport was a teary one as we could not say..."see you in a couple of days," we left not knowing how the rest of August will play out.
I am staying at Kevin's parents house until Monday, then I will head to see Liesl and stay at her house with her for the remainder of the time (please pray sooner the later). I am trying to relax and enjoy the last few days before I am mom, but it is so hard to do, I am so ready to meet, love and cherish Jaden!
I will update as I can and we appreciate all your prayers, we need them!
Friday, August 7, 2009
I am not looking forward to being away from Kev for what could be three weeks; I know in my heart that this is the best decision for everyone. I also know that the extra time with Liesl will only deepen our relationship and prepare her for the loss she is about to experience. I am hoping we can both be open about some of fears and expectations.
I will try to keep everyone as informed as I can, but prayer is needed above all right now! Looking forward to announcing the birth of Jaden in the coming days!!!
Friday, July 31, 2009
As I came down stairs and opened my windows, turned on my computer and started my coffee (don’t worry half and half) I began to think about all God has done in my life over the last couple of years, two losses and two blessing all within two years, is that not so hard to comprehend, is that not a story only our God could write?
As I opened my blog I had to giggle, I have only written 38 post in 2009, in 2008 I wrote 157, you can tell my healing as been accomplished and although there are days my arms ache for my unborn babies my heart is rejoicing in all God has done. I scrolled through past post, which is always hard for me to do, it is hard to look back at some of my darkest days. I know I would never trade them but the impact of them has forever changed me in ways I could never express with words. Finally I find July 31, 2008, check it out…it truly is a miracle.
Every Monday I start a new week, and this Monday I will be starting my 18th week, I will be finding out soon what I am having although we already know it is a little boy, baby Ty. I am wearing maternity clothes, my nursery is completed and in the wings of a couple of weeks I will be bringing home my first born son Jaden Daniel. Today in the face of a year ago, look at where God brings us look at what God does.
I know many of you are waiting for your miracle, many of you a baby, maybe a husband that will fall on his knees in worship to his king, maybe a job, who knows, but hold onto hope, because God does not do anything on our time. It is a miracle that I am expecting two babies in the face of a year, how could this be? Only by Gods perfect writing, He is the great “I AM” “The Author and Creator”, “the Beginning and the End.” Hold onto not what you face in today but what God can do in tomorrow!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I am doing well, moving full speed ahead it seems in every direction. My life has not slowed down and at this point I believe it will only continue to speed up, I am ready for it. I of course am still dealing with fears and anxieties and I find myself more attached to sweet baby Ty as he continues to grow at 16 weeks. We had an appointment yesterday and everything is right on track, they even believe I have popped!! Praise the Lord!
Things with Liesl and Jaden are running smoothly. I am constantly amazed at Liesl and our growing friendship and family. She is a strong young women and I am beyond proud of her. We do need to pray that the birth father would sign papers, he is dragging his feet and it will only delay everything. We have had some bumps in the road with paper work and finalizing a few things but with everything Kevin and I have gone through I take them and don't dwell on them. I am constantly reminded that Satan is an active player in this journey and not wanting to see God's ultimate plan come to completion, so I must constantly put on my armor of God and go to battle.
It is amazing that I am only five weeks away from welcoming our first son into the world, I am overcome with emotion and of course the fear that I will not do everything just right for Jaden. I know I will make mistakes and so our prayers have already been with open hands as offer Jaden to the Lord to fulfill His plan and work in little Jaden’s life. I think Loss will make you do this.
As the time gets closer I am sure I will update more about the process of adoption and all the emotions wrapped into it. As for the moment I do ask that you would pray for sweet Liesl, her life is about to change and I pray that the transition is as smooth as it can be, that God would wrap her in his sweet arms and carry her through!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Last night Kevin and I enjoyed an evening out to dinner and then a trip to Babies R Us, it is interesting to walk into a store that for so long caused such an ache in my heart, and even as I walk through the doors I often times feel as though we don’t belong and they are going to escort me out. We need to pick out a car seat for Jaden and ship it to Colorado Springs in the next week. As we search and play with the car seats I am once again overtaken by emotion, and of course often times finding myself praying for those who so desperately want to be doing the same thing, girls I do pray for you so often.
Many of you have asked when and if we are going to have a shower before Jaden comes, Kevin and I have spent a lot of time discussing this and have decided that a shower would just be too difficult right now. Kevin and I have been robbed of our innocence, it just comes with the territory of loss and as much as I would like to say that lives in the past, the loss of my two babies has forever sculpted the person I am today and the way I view things in life, especially when it comes to having a baby.
My desire is to have a celebration of life party once we have sweet Jaden in our arms, until that moment I don’t think I could bare doing a shower and then something happen….it is the reality of which I live in. However, I have to admit there have been many moments that I have wished for a shower just to help with some of the larger and more expensive items that Kevin and I are now having to purchase, but once again I am reminded of God’s abundant grace and provision in our lives and I know without a shadow of doubt that He has and will provide every need and want we have for the boys!
So although we are not registering or doing things the way every other couple does them does not mean I have not had my fun of dreaming of items I would love to have, so I have put together a wish list that I am still adding to and would love to share it with you, not because I am asking for these items but just because it is fun to see what a girls dreams are….but once again I will put it in a link (Beth’s Wish List) so that those of you who are not up for looking at it will not have too. And please don’t, I will forever remind you that it is okay!
Which is what I would like to close this post on, I am amazed by the girls God has brought in my life through this blog, I don’t always respond back and I don’t always tell you girls how much you mean to me, I feel your cheers and encouragement even in the midst of your own grief and waiting and the feeling is indescribable. Please know, that those of you who are my faithful followers are being prayed for, I go to God so often asking for Him to release His blessing in your life. Know how much you are loved, cherished and appreciated you were and still are the valleys of joy in the journey of sorrow!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
This past week we also found out that Jaden’s birthfather has come forward and seems at this point to be cooperating as he should be; this is such an answer to prayer. I don’t think my heart will be at ease until I hold sweet Jaden in my arms and things are final, three days after his birth. We also began the home study this week, Monday is our first one and then I believe we will have one Tuesday as well, I am excited to get this last step behind us.
On Thursday we had a bit of a scare with the pregnancy… I started cramping extremely bad, we called the doctor and they quickly made an appointment for me that same day. I can’t even tell you how scared I was, I kept repeating to myself that “no matter what, we would be okay…” and I knew in my heart that we really would be okay even if it meant then unthinkable. We were so blessed to have my doctor who was on call. I thought maybe they would just listen to the heart beat, but when Dr. Cobb heard about my pain he opted for an ultrasound. Immediately they could see the baby moving, and a strong beautiful heartbeat! Praise the Lord. Then Dr. Cobb looked at me and asked if we wanted to know what we were having…YES!!!! Sweet Jaden will have a BROTHER! We will be naming him after Liesl’s brother Tyler, he is the reason we are getting our first born plus we love the name! So January 5th we will have a Tyler James Tanner, James after our grandfathers!!!
As for the cramping, of course it is something I have never heard of it is called an entrapped uterus, basically I am not “popping” out like I should be, I really should not be showing but I should have a little something I can just feel, however I have nothing so it is causing me a lot of pain. We just need to pray that is pops out on its own because if it does not they have to go in and manually pop it out, not something I want to experience.
We are praising the Lord for his amazing grace and blessings in our lives. Soon I will post pictures of the nursery but I want to wait until I have it completely done, all I need are curtains and picture frames! I will tell you it looks amazing!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside
How could I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide
All the way my Savior leads me
Cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living Bread
[Chorus:]You lead me and keep me from falling
You carry me close to Your heart
And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow meAll the way my Savior leads me
O, the fullness of His love
O, the sureness of His promise
In the triumph of His blood
And when my spirit clothed immortal
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way
Jesus led me all the way
All the way my Savior leads me
All the way my Savior leads me
God has wrapped Kevin and I into his loving wings and carried us through some of our greatest trials, we look back and although the tears still come as we long for the babies we have lost we know we would walk it all over again if it meant that God would gain all the glory, and He has!
As I sit here and write you, my sweet and loving husband is in the back bedroom which we now call Jaden’s room, he is preparing it for his son that will be arriving in less than ten weeks! Jaden is our first blessing, he is already loved, already wanted, already desired, dreamed about and cherished, and Jaden is and will always be our first BORN! 5 months later, we will give birth to his brother or sister, our second blessing. Even to write that out now I am amazed by what God is giving us! I am 12 weeks pregnant with a second blessing that is already loved, wanted and cherished! We are amazed at what God is doing in our lives and find ourselves often times speechless to describe all that God is giving us!
I have been praying about this post, when and how to write it, the above portion of what I have written is actually part of a letter that we are sending out to our family to announce our news. I have struggled to find the appropriate words to share the exciting news but to also be sensitive to those who read my blog who I know hearts are being torn in two with this news. There is the joy that comes from knowing that someone is receiving their miracle, joy that brings hope, joy that is deep down inside….but what seems to take over in many cases is sorrow, sorrow as you remember the babies you have lost, sorrow of not knowing when, how or if you will receive your miracle, sorrow as you watch one more of those you follow cross over onto the other side.
I get it, and I hate that I am the one causing you this pain. Please know that if you are in this group, which many of you are, that I understand, and however you feel, whatever you need to do, however many tears fall…it is okay.
I have been so absent in blogging lately because once again my blog is about to take on new colors and different shades, my blog is my friend, it has been with me on this journey and as much debate as I have done I have decided that I will continue to post on this blog just as honestly as I have in the past, each turn in the journey brings new path, and this is the new path.
With that said, I understand now if following or reading is too difficult and once again I remind you that it is okay…your allowed to feel that way, I too have felt that way.
Please know that in the midst of my honest writing and updating there will be level of sensitivity as I so remember the pain and ache you are feeling, and although I may be “crossing over” as so many of you have put it, I can never leave completely after the journey God has asked Kevin and I to walk, it does not define who I am but it describes why I am the way I am.
Just know that in the midst of the journey, I have cried out for each of you, thought and prayed over you and knowing that this news will affect many of you, I can only pray that God will wrap you each into his loving wings and carry you through those difficult times and moments.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Today I believe in my heart you are turning one in heaven, with angel kisses and a big birthday feast. I know that your life is being celebrated with those who I love so dearly and who I know tell you wonderful stories of who your mommy and daddy are.
You are missed everyday, not just today. You were our second pregnancy and a joy everyday I got to have you. Your life was short but made an everlasting imprint on our hearts. We will forever love you and miss you, but we celbrate who you are!
Happy birthday sweet boy!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Two years ago a piece of me flew to heaven on angels wings
Two years ago I crossed over the line of wanting to gaining
Two years ago I walked into motherhood
Two years ago I learned what grief was and watched as my heart broke
Two years ago I opened the palms of my hands allowing God to take everything
Two years ago I realized my journey into motherhood was going to be difficult terrain
Two year ago I named my first son after my dad, Eddie they will forever share birthdays
Two years ago I had no Idea I would be expecting my third, Jaden Daniel Tanner through adoption
Two years ago is behind, the future lies ahead and I embrace it with open arms
Happy Birthday my sweet little Eddie, you are celebrating your 2nd birthday today, we love you, miss you and carry you with us everyday!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
A lot of people thought I should be celebrating Mothers Day this year, but it is so very hard to do. I know that in three months we are going to be holding our son (which still amazes me to say, and you should check out how great I look for being six months pregnant….j/k) but I don’t know that Mothers Day will be easy to celebrate, especially since this is my third Mothers Day when we are “expecting.” Kevin and I ended up staying home on Sunday and being together, enjoying each other and of course we did one of our favorite things, we went for a hike! It is hard to believe that this time last year I was pregnant with Judah, and two years ago I was pregnant with Eddie. I am beyond excited about all that God is doing, but honestly I still deal with fear daily, having to take those thought captive and not let them rob me of my joy.
Jaden has brought such joy to Kevin and I, we were talking about him yesterday and how Kevin hopes he is born a little early so he will not miss his first Broncos game, yes we already have him a Broncos outfit to wear and Kevin can’t wait to have a buddy to watch the games with! I am constantly amazed at the family God is bringing to us; we truly love Liesl and are so excited to have her part of ours and sweet Jaden’s life. God is an amazing God.
In the evenings this is what you will find Kevin doing:
Friday, May 8, 2009
I have talked about it before, the journey of this blog, how it was first created to keep in contact with the middle school students I was working with. It was a way for the 300+ students to get a chance to get to know me and my daily struggles, it remained that for about half a year. Then when we moved and lost our first baby it quickly became a place for me to post what was going on with Kevin and me and our lives and journey of moving to NC and trying for our second. After we lost Judah it became a blog about grief, infertility and trying to walk the journey giving God all the glory.
In the last couple of years of my life I have written 233 posts, had over 10,000 hits, and linked up with friends I would have never met. This blog has truly been a hidden treasure from God that has become a best friend. So now that my journey is taking a turn into parenting do I close this blog down? Honestly I know how happy many of you were for me, but I do know the boat some of you are in, I know that there are girls who have been trying for 7 years with many miscarriages, I know that there are girls going through IVF right now, those of you who are pregnant, those of you who have been trying so long and have decided to take a break, those of you who have been waiting for your baby through adoption much longer then Kevin and I, and those of you I don’t know much about. I do know that some of you heard that I was adopting rejoiced for me but also felt the pain in your heart as God has called you to wait a little longer.
So, I know that now this blog is about to be the journey into adopting, the ups and downs, fears, joy and then one day about the moment I held Jaden for the first time. I invite you a long, but I can’t promise that for some of you it may be hard to read, and I understand because I know that feeling; I know that I had to chose not read a few blogs because it surfaced my pain too much. I will promise to always be sensitive, to remember the wide variety of readers, but know I understand if you must take a break from reading. I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to walk this journey- it is different for every person and you must walk it the way God created you to walk it. Just know I am praying for you and looking forward to seeing your prayers answered.
Monday, May 4, 2009
We are so excited we get to write this email, and explain all God is doing in our lives in this season. It is hard to believe that we are coming up on a year of loosing Judah and two years of when we lost Eddie, God has truly been faithful through the storms and brought us through the difficult times. Kevin and I are stronger and would do it all over again if the Lord asked us too.
The night before I found out I was losing Judah, I can remember praying and calling out to God through my fears and uncertainties. My levels were so high they thought I was having twins, as I was praying I was crying out to the Lord in the midst of the unknowns “Oh Lord please is everything going to be okay? Am I having twins?” and His sweet and constant reply to His anxious daughter was “Wait and see what I have for you Beth!”
Even the day while lying on the bed in the doctor’s office and having her tell me I was not having a baby, the Lords voice through the wind, thunder, and rain was saying to me “Wait and see Beth, just wait and see…” Never in a million years did I imagine what the Lord meant when He would whisper His promise to me.
I have always known that my God works in mysterious and wondrous ways, I have always known that my God does things outside of the box we tend to put Him, I always knew but honestly never expected. From the start of this journey, from our first steps onto the rocky and scary path we were determined to walk it glorifying God and giving God our lives to bring children into our home however He wanted to. We have always known that adoption was a calling on our lives, we just did not know when or how God would orchestrate that into our lives.
But we are so excited to ANNOUNCE~~~
On August 27, 2009 Kevin and I will be meeting our third, but first LIVING son. On August 27, 2009 Kevin and I are adopting not just a child but a family. On August 27, 2009 Jaden Daniel Tanner will enter this world, and we will embrace him as ours!
You are probably wondering how all this started, how did God orchestrate this amazing story and just what I mean when I say we are adopting not just a child but a family??
When I worked at the church in Colorado I got to know one amazing young man, Tyler. Tyler and I became instant friends, and had an instant connection! He was a senior in high school at the time and he helped out a lot with the middle school youth group that I worked with! Never in a million years did I know that he would play such a huge role in bringing a child into our home.
Liesl is Tyler’s sweet sister, and at 17 she found herself pregnant. She being the brave and amazing young girl that she is decided to place her baby up for adoption, and Tyler thought of Kevin and I, and so began our story.
We began making contact with her, talking with her and embracing her, a few weeks later we booked tickets to come visit her, and to be with her. The Monday before the Friday we left she called letting us know that she had chosen us, we would be her son’s parents! We are just coming home from the amazing visit with her and her family!
Kevin and I wanted an open adoption, and this family wanted an open adoption, and that is what we are going to have. They are planning on coming to visit us, spend holidays together and be a part of Jaden’s life. Kevin and I are beyond excited knowing that this is exactly what God is calling us to do. We know many people may not understand, but we don’t always understand God’s ways because God’s ways are not our ways!!! We are laying down our lives not only for our son but for this family in hopes that they would experience God’s abundant grace and love even more!
We appreciate all the prayers we can get; we know that this process is going to be an adventure in every direction we look. We have to trust the Lord with our finances and with the future details as we began the process and journey of adoption. We are so excited and are excited to announce the life of our first born!!
*Please Pray for Liesl, this will be a new journey for her, she needs all the support and love we can give her, and as time goes on many of you will meet her because this family is now our family!
* Please pray for Jaden, that God would keep him safe and protected in the womb.
*Please pray for Kevin and I as we walk new ground, and turn the corner on our journey.
We are beyond excited and are so excited to introduce the newest members of our family:
LeAnn- Liesl’s mom
Tyler- Liesl’s brother AND
Liesl- Jaden's Birth mom
Monday, April 27, 2009
I really believe that Kevin and I are daily taking on the Godly perspective. We are seeing that our joy, as much as we would like to think it will be fulfilled by child, will never be truly filled by a child. We are coming to a point in our lives of true surrender, and not a surrendering in hopes to have a baby but a total surrender to live our lives according to God's purpose! We are being so fulfilled by laying down our lives for those around us, for letting go of our finances not for a child but for Gods purpose of blessing those around us. We are finally realizing that the more we let go the more we are blessed, we are beyond blessed and filled with joy because we are in complete surrender to God, and this is bringing the joy that fulfills like nothing we have ever experienced.
Kevin and I have had our trials, and I am sure there are more trials to come, but my perspective is not on the trial, but on who God is, who He has called me to be and knowing He will bless us and keep us beyond what we could ever imagine or ask for.
So be truly glad.[a] There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
8 You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. 1 Peter 1:5-8
We are being called purified gold, we know the testing will come again and we are ready, because we know the joy will follow! The trials, my friends are only “for a little while.”
Monday, April 20, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
I can't believe… that it has been 10 months since losing Judah
I can't believe… that I was pregnant this time last year
I can't believe… where I have been
I can't believe… where I have come from
I can't believe… where I am standing now
I can't believe… all that God has done, will do, and is doing
I can't believe… the blessings through the suffering
I can't believe… God's abundant everlasting Love towards me
I can't believe… all that has happened and all I have been through
I CAN believe… in God who HE is, what HE does and what HE will do-
I can't believe… how much I am moving forward into what I Can believe
I Had to Go through the can't to get to the other side of the I CAN Believe!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Kevin called me when he got home from work today
There is a big dent in our Mazda is what he had to say.
What are you sure? It just can't be I explain
I did not and would not go out in this yucky rain!
Come down quick and see for yourself,
I promise it is there and nothing else
So as quick as I could I slid on my shoes
and dashed for the stairs to see if it was true...
As I came down the stairs I could not believe my eyes
For there stood my Kevin with a great big surprise!
A brand new Cannon camera just for me
to capture all those moments I always See!!!
First picture taken!!!
It truly is amazing that what Satan means for evil God turns around and uses for Good, to bring glory to His name and to bless His children in ways I could never expect or imagine.
One of things God is teaching me daily is to be very specific with my prayers, saying it aloud speaking it with confidence. Which is why Kevin and I decided to share the names of our children on the blog, we believe with all our hearts that in Gods timing these will be our children.
I had to giggle at all who are also going to name their children with similar names, please know this does nothing but excite me. I would love if every one of you girls who are struggling with infertility start calling out your children’s names. You do not have do this publically (although I would love to be able to pray for your children by name) but in your personal prayers start praying for your children by name! God already calls them by name, why should we not do the same!
Thank you will never say enough for what you girls have done for me during this journey! I am excited to see all God is going to do in our lives; I have an expectant heart for all of you!
Don’t worry Kevin won’t really track you down, he and I will be claiming them with you!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Our Dr. does not even think he would classify me with PCOS, and if I did have it, it would be a very mild case...this I am claiming as a healing miracle! I do have a slight increase in a level that can sometimes be caused by a growth on my pituitary gland, it raises awareness and at this moment in time it is benign and not of concern. I will continue to get this checked every six months. If it continues to grow it can cause problems with conceiving, but we are not claiming these things. But please pray for me as I deal with fear and feeling overwhelmed even though our doctor is not concerned I tend to be worried.
As of right now Kevin and I are officially "trying" and are excited about it. We will try on our own for three months and if we are not still pregnant we have appointment in June to discuss what steps we will take next. But we are believing I will be pregnant before then, my next appointment will be to see a baby on that ultrasound!
I am feeling excited!!! I still deal with fear but I know I can’t live in that and I must move past it.
I keep imagining our baby in my arms, the warmth of their sweet body, their tiny little hands and feet. I picture their first smile, giggle, step and word. I know that God did not give me these desires if it was not His desire. I am looking forward to meeting our third child, our little Katherine Rae or Jaden Daniel. We pray for them, dream of them and already love them. I know it will be in God’s perfect timing and plan and I rest in that. I am at peace with this journey and even though I still have my hard moments I claim the future of what God is going to bless Kevin and me with!
(Yes these are my future names, I share them with you so you can claim it with me, not so you can steal them, and if you do Kevin will track you down!!!)
Monday, March 23, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
If I must walk through the fire to see my Fathers face I would do it a hundred times over. Kevin and I have needed this time to get close to one another but also find abundant healing in our Fathers embrace.
I love the ocean, I love Gods creation, I love the love Kevin and I have for one another and I love feeling Gods healing breath upon my face and in my spirit. The trip to Florida has been such a blessing, we have enjoyed family and God beauty.
Tonight we ate out and we sat on a the deck right on the water, once again God sent dolphins to dance for us while we enjoyed our meal. It seems that He is sending them often because we saw them today while sitting out on Kevin's grandparents deck. After we left dinner Kevin and I walked down to the water for a moment and enjoyed the sunset. "Why is it I am enjoying this trip more?" I asked Kevin, his reply summed up our experience through our loss "I think we appreciate things more..."
We do appreciate things more, because we know what it means to lose something so precious and dear to you.
Don't worry I will have pictures soon!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Things are progressing in the journey to being a mom. Today we had an appointment with a new OB. After many recommendations from several of my close friends Kevin and I felt in our hearts that we were in need of a change.
It is never easy for me to walk into an OBGYN's office. Everywhere I look seems to be shouting at me what I can't have. Every pregnant women I see, seems to be screaming at me that I will never get to experience it, it was not different today. It was hard.
I am so glad we went though and my first appointment with my doctor could not have gone any better. Even in the midst of some hard news we felt encouraged that we are once again climbing back on the "horse."
My doctor was shocked at my story, in all his years he had never had a patient with an ectopic pregnancy and a molar pregnancy. He was also shocked to learn about the near death experience I had with my ectopic pregnancy- we were once again reminded that this should never have happened- but it did.
After going through my history and talking through my molar pregnancy I told him we got the all clear six months ago, although God (he is a believer as well, how amazing) had really placed on our hearts to wait a couple of months but we were ready to start trying again. He looked at us with concern on his face and said that given the severity of my particular situation he would not be comfortable with us trying until a full year has passed. The moment my heart fell to the ground- once again.
We understand but were not expecting that news. I know we are nine months in but when you are ready and when you have waited so long already and additional months seem hard to swallow. We respect his council and in the mean time I will began all the testing and this time Kevin will be going through some testing as well.
We know that in order for us to have child, the normal path of “just trying” is not a reality for us anymore. My doctor found great hope in the fact that I have gotten pregnant, my issue I guess is not getting pregnant but rather having a successful pregnancy. I wish there was a word to describe my journey- I don’t fit in the infertility boat, but I don’t’ fit in the boat of success, so where do I fit in?
I am a little blue today processing all of this information but I am more hopeful than anything else, it’s just that the appointments make it so evident how normal I am not…but that’s okay, I know I am a daughter of the King and am His beloved!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
In the midst of so many unknowns it is so hard to find that peace, you can find yourself caught up in the fear of the future that you lose sight of God and the fact that the future is in the palm of His almighty hand.
I have once again gotten sick, after flying in to PA to visit Jamie and Jodi I landed with a sore throat that progressed into a major sinus infection. I can’t seem to find health and I can feel Satan kicking me down with sickness. I know that God hates sickness and I know that in the midst of this sickness He is still in control and allowing me to get stretched beyond a point I ever thought I could go.
In the midst of all the unknowns Kevin and I are constantly seeking peace, seeking His voice, His hand, His plan. Although it is so hard at times we refuse to do anything less, and sometimes when I can’t seem to find that peace all I do is praise Him for who is, knowing and believing that He has great things planned for Kevin and I and our future!
The night before we found out we were losing Judah I was laying awake anticipating the ultra sound we were going to have the next day. We were anticipating finding out if we were going to have twins, it was a great possibility since my levels we so high. I can remember I kept asking God “God what will it be, one or two?” I can remember Gods response so clearly, “Beth, just wait and see what I have for you!” This has been a constant response as we seek God through all the unknowns.
I do truly believe with all my heart that God has the most perfect baby picked out for Kevin and I, I truly believe that God has the best in store for Kevin and I. Although I don’t know how it will come about, or how God will write our story, I do know I can expect great things from God.
So in the midst of all the unknowns right now please pray that Kevin and I would constantly hear God’s voice and nothing else, that we would have peace that passes understanding and that would stand on the promise to expect great things from God!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Remember to pause my music at the bottom of the screen before watching the clip!
I have watched this movie over and over again, and the scene above is one scene that has stuck with me over the years. Sometimes I feel like God is leaning over me in life and yelling the things that the coach is yelling. I feel like he encourages me and asking me constantly to give him my very best...
I feel like quiting sometimes, especially in this journey of wanting a baby, some days are just so hard. I often times feel like I have yelled to God that I can't do anymore- "it hurts," "it is to hard" and God continues to yell at me not to quit...to give him my VERY BEST, and He continues to encourage me every agonizing step I take.
I know that one day I will hold a baby in my arms- until that moment, as hard as it may be I will continue to do my very best!
Friday, February 13, 2009
This sickness seemed to hit everyone around me. I was most concerned about Daniel and my 90 year old Nana; they both did get it but seem to be coming out on the other side fine. I know that this was just another kick from satan, especially since lately I have been really doing so well. When I wrote out that I was truly living I knew this was going to make satan so angry, he can kick all he wants, I will not be destroyed!
I have been praying about writing and sharing where Kevin and I are when it comes to trying again for a child. The past pregnancy really knocked me out not only physically but emotionally as well. As you all know I am just coming out on the other side and it has been a rough and rocky road, but I AM STILL STANDING! Part of this journey was waiting the six months to try. Once the six months approached I knew I was not ready to try again, at that moment we decided to go month by month in deciding when the best time would be, we are still waiting for the Lord to release our hearts so that we can try again.
I know some people don’t understand why we would wait, why we would want to wait when there is not guarantee when or how long it may take. I have had those same thoughts and fears. I am starting to realize that as much as I would like to think that having a child is in my control it is not, God is far bigger then my control. I just know what I feel in my heart, I want to be the best I can be when God decides to hand us the greatest gift of a child, and I feel as though each day I am closer to that moment.
I have hesitated in sharing with people this part of the journey because I know some don’t understand, but I don’t think any of us can understand Gods ways sometimes, but we can look back and see his amazing grace and his sufficient love. He is giving me strength to make it through this waiting, and I am sure there will be more days in waiting ahead. I know I can trust in Gods timing, Gods hands, Gods plans, and Gods amazing story for me!