Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A Heart That is Full

As I sit here I am struggling to find the words to describe the week we had with Liesl and Tyler. It was refreshing, emotional, intense, fun and everything in between. Seeing Liesl see Jaden for the first time was overwhelming I think for us all, it has only been three months but he has changed so much and it was so emotional for Liesl.

We all enjoyed one another and as the week progressed things became easier. Liesl is so good and really does only want to love Jaden, she does not try to parent and was very respectful of our routine with Jaden. I think in some ways it was so hard for Liesl to be back around Jaden because it reminded her of how much she misses him. I know that the healing will continue and as time goes on it will become easier for Liesl, but right now the grief is still so raw.

Adopting is such an overwhelming journey I think for any family, it is so beautiful yet as an adoptive mom you do sometime grieve that you did not give birth to the child that you love as if you did give birth. I think open adoption is an even more overwhelming journey because you are not the only one loving this little one. Liesl truly loves Jaden, how could she not? I had to sometimes fight the insecurity of wanting to be the only important women in his life while she was here. Liesl and I are very open and were able to talk about this some. I am his mom, that never ever will change but as I have said before God did not choose to place Jaden within my womb as much as I wish he did. And for Liesl this is not how she pictured life with her first born would be.

As the week went on I became more and more proud of Liesl, she did the best thing for Jaden, giving him everything she could not give him. God is such a sovereign God and I am constantly amazed at his love for his children. He is not only calling out to sweet Jaden even now at a young age but he is chasing and calling out for Liesl’s heart and I look forward to seeing what he has in store for her!

In other news: I try not to post much about my pregnancy, however this is part of my journey and I don’t want to look back and regret not recording and journaling more. Pregnancy is interesting for me, Kevin and I talk about this a lot. To get pregnant was a journey as you all know, and then experiencing the losses left me broken and wondering if I could even have a normal pregnancy. God is so faithful and I would have and still would be so content and blessed with Jaden. I still cannot believe that God gave me the desires of my heart through both adoption and conceiving. I feel so blessed! This pregnancy has not been easy, but every time I want to complain I think about all my sisters who are so longing to be pregnant, and instead of complaining I say a prayer for you women.

To say this pregnancy has been easy would be a lie though- it has really been a challenge for me even from the start, just weird things like when my uterus would not pop, being so sick, having contractions so early and then Tyler being breeched. Each time I find myself wrapped in fear that I am going to lose Tyler that I am not going to see this pregnancy to completion. I am starting to realize (now at 36 weeks...yes I am a little slow) that satan was trying to rob me of my joy this whole pregnancy, trying to steal the enjoyment because he knows that Tyler is the palm of Gods hand, and this pregnancy is destined not by man but by God!

Yesterday I had my first of weekly appointments. Tyler has flipped, I am 50% effaced and ½ centimeters dilated, which is really nothing. For the first time I am so calm and relaxed. I would love for Tyler to come soon but that is only because I am so anxious to meet him, really and truly I am fine going another 4 weeks if it means he will be healthy and perfect. I know God already has his birthday written in the book of life and I am in no hurry to rush things. I am a little uncomfortable and Kevin likes to make fun of the way I get up or roll over in bed (earthquake style), my legs have started swelling and I find it hard to eat but other than that I am enjoying my last few weeks of this pregnancy. Kevin is always pointing out too that we don’t know if I will ever be pregnant again so to “really enjoy” right now!

For the first time in almost three years Kevin and I are also really enjoying the Christmas season, in years past we were trying and not sure if I would conceive or facing an unfilled due date. Judah’s due date would have been Dec. 27th and Eddies would have been January 25th. So Christmas seasons in the past were a source of grief. Although I still have moments of grief and missing my babies, this year God has fulfilled so many of the promises He has spoken over our life. I feel so full of joy and overcome with all that God is doing. This Christmas really means a lot to me, especially being pregnant and thinking of sweet Mary’s life and her pregnancy with Christ our King (which will be another post).

So as I write this post my heart is full, my home is a home of praise and my life is an open book as God continues to write our adventurous journey.

2 comments:

Jamie :) said...

It is amazing to look back isn't it? - and yet, at the same time to look ahead? All the while embracing the present. God has always been and still is your fulfillment in every situation. I'm so proud of you Beth. You already know this, but you are such a gift to me! And reading your posts are a blessing. I love you dearly!

Andrea said...

Beth,

I always seem to find just what I need when I read your posts. Your words always touch my heart and reafirm my faith in God's plan.

Wishing you well through the remainder of your pregnancy and am so happy that Tyler is on his way into your arms.

I love the picture of you and "sweet girl" It makes me happy :)

I'm going to share your blog link with a dear friend who has suffered 2 losses and is now ready to begin the adoption process. She, like you, is full of FAITH and believes that "he directs her steps" Your words will be such a source of comfort to her.

May all lifes blessings be yours and may we celebrate the beauty of Christ's birth.

Andrea
www.persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com

ps You always give me HOPE...