Thursday, July 31, 2008
You never know what a moment will bring, what a second holds, or what a lifetime will teach you. You can’t change your path, but you can change how you will walk the path, that is what I face every day, how am I going to walk this path? I went to the Doctors office yesterday to ask her a few questions about how I am doing. She was so assuring and said that I am handling things exactly how I should be, she was not concerned at all which was such a blessing. It will never be easy to walk into that doctor’s office, as I round the corner and pass the room where we had the ultra sounds, memories flood my mind and I find it hard to get past it, making me relive it once again.
Some days I am convinced I will wake up and realize it was just a horrible dream, that day has yet to come, my horrible dream is reality.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Went to church… CHECK
Tithed…. CHECK (With Kev's money that is now conveniently “ours”)
Read my Bible…. CHECK
Read my Bible in the MORNING…. CHECK!! CHECK!!
Shared Christ… CHECK
Served at church…CHECK
I think you get my point. I felt that if I did all these things then I conveniently got to check off my little check list, and then I felt a lot whole better, and a whole lot more religious. Then as I bowed my head and prayed that God would grant me children, I felt as though he “had” to, “Come on God, I did everything on my end….now it is your turn.” Where is the relationship? With myself. Wow, what a reality to grasp. Do we do things out of having to do them? I think often times as humans, unfortunately yes we do. I know I do…not just with my relationship with God, but also with my relationship with people.
After loosing Judah, Kevin and I realized just how wrapped up we were in our own creative religion. Did I love God- absolutely, I am not talking about whether or not I did or did not have a relationship with God, I did, but it was warped and in many ways created by me, not in union with him. Do we need to do the things I listed above, yes, but not because God is standing above us threatening us, and tempting us, and bribing us, but because we have a real relationship with him. I do things for Kevin, not because Kevin will threaten me, but because I love Kevin deeply, and I am in a relationship with him, and I want to please him. Should I not want to do the same for God? That is all he wants from us, and he has opened my eyes and shined light on the dark areas of our relationship by stripping me of things I have always felt comfortable in…Going to church, praying, serving…things that I cannot physically do, I cannot physically make myself do these things right now, and that is okay. God will meet me in my home, he will meet me with a CD of specific music chosen just for me by a dear friend, a blog written by a close friend who also has lost a child, a verse that someone sent to me, scripture I read, books given to me, tears shed with me, shopping with my mom, making muffins, living with and loving my husband, but mostly, just being. God is into just being with me, meeting me right where I am at, and what healing this is. I am convinced that when he is ready he will release me of these physical anxieties that I am getting, but it will not be when you are ready, or when I am ready, it will be when he is ready. Right now he has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!
51When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."
53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "
Saturday, July 26, 2008
(Owen was here, but he fell asleep in the car!)
Thursday, July 24, 2008
However there has been a select group that God has placed in my life that has really spoken and ministered to me, who probably don’t even realize it. This particular group of women has amazed and astounded me and an in many ways encouraged me like no one else could. It has surprised me how many times God has placed one of these amazing women in my life, to remind me gently what God has given to me in the most kind and uplifting way. I know it is specifically from God as I have always walked away encouraged and never once have I been offended by their words of observation, as they look into a section of my journey. I also know this is from God, not only because I have encountered these women on more the one occasion, but also because never in a million years would I have thought they would be the ones to minister to me in such away.
This group that I am speaking of and have been setting the stage for is the women who are my age or older and not married. I know surprising right? Well for whatever reason this has been one amazing way God has chosen to speak to me and shine light on a situation that seems the darkest. One girl I met randomly at a softball game Kevin had. She had never come before and she never came again. She was there that night for a specific reason I believe, and that was to kindly remind me of what God has given me. As we sat and chatted through out the game, she of course asked the dreaded question that always makes my heart sink and my body cringe; “Do you have children?” I can’t really describe to you just what this statement does to me. Unless you have lost a child or have dealt with infertility you will never really know what this question does to you. Anyway I took this as an opportunity to share with her my story, interesting because I have not allowed myself to share with many “strangers” my story…to vulnerable. I concluded my story, and she looked at me with tender eyes and said “I cannot imagine how that must feel…” As the night progressed and as our friendship continued, I was truly enjoying her company. From that point on we did not say anything else of great importance, until the game was coming to an end, it was then she touched my hand and said, “Beth, I cannot imagine what you have gone through, I have know idea what loosing a child must be like, but I still envy you.” I was startle and amazed, why in the world would anyone envy my situation? But as quickly as I had the thought she answered it “I am your age, not dating and don’t have any prospects for dating, all I want and all I have ever wanted is to have children and a husband, to stay home and take care of them. Instead I have an apartment, a dog, and am working two jobs to maintain it. I don’t even have the choice for kids right now and not only have I had to watch all my friends get married, but now I am watching them make and have their families, while I am still alone. I envy what you have Beth, because although you have to wait six months to try again for another child, you at least get to hold onto to the dream of children and be held at night by your husband while you are most lonely. I go home by myself.” At that moment my heart broke for this young women, she was beautiful and had a good head on her shoulders, and here she was looking at me and thinking “you are living the dream,” how humbling this was to me.
She is just one of example of many, and I have to say that each time God places another one of the extraordinary girls in my path; it opens my eyes up more to see what God has given me; a loving husband who in the midst of my mess still loves me. I am astounded by Gods grace and mercy in my life, I am living my dream, I am a wife to Kevin and that is more then I even deserved, and although I do not get to mother my children here on earth I am still very much a mother! God did not have to give me anything yet he choose to give me the gift of a soul mate and two beautiful children who will never ever experience pain, that is more then I could ever ask or imagine. Everyday I get to spend with Kevin in this life is worth it, I am a truly blessed mother and wife!
I do pray for these girls, I can’t imagine what they must feel everyday, how their hearts must sink every time they get a wedding announcement of yet another friend, I pray that their dreams do come true and that one day they email me and tell me of the love God has given to them, however just like me in the since of being asked to wait, I hope they know just how much their lives have impacted mine. Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting what we do not have that we loose focus of what we do have, and I have more then I could ever imagine!!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
I tried taking pics of our weekend but we did nothing to take pictures of. So here is the one that I did take....Kev and I sat outside and played cards for a good couple of hours....we have so much fun together!!!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
My mind is going in a hundred directions right now, I can’t seem to even follow a single thought, and I am hoping that writing will be the reign that pulls it in. It is 10:50pm, Kevin is asleep to the left of me and I am once again wide awake in an endless sea of my own thoughts. I have actually had two good nights in a row; I was even able to fall asleep without the aid of my usual; two Tylenol Pm and two glasses of wine (Don’t worry you can pray for me later and sign me up for AA…). I consider it a success when I am able to fall asleep under two hours and stay asleep at least three hours at a time without waking up, and for two nights I have been able to do just that. We will see how tonight goes. It is entertaining to me that my writing comes easiest in the late hours of the night. I try writing when I first wake up with my coffee in my hand and the birds singing…., I figure this seems more like a “real” writer to me, not that I am even close to a “real” writer but I like to pretend. For right now though at night is the only way I can keep my mind in check and on some kind of logical path or maybe not logical at all, but at least occupied. It also is so helpful in passing the time as I wait to get sleepy, which always seems to take forever. Most of my postings thus far have taken place late at night, and then I save them re-read them a couple of times and finally get the courage to post them. I know I am not really a writer, praise God for Microsoft Word (if only you could see all the green and red squiggly lines…)! And even after all my editing and re-reading there are still so many mistakes and so many times I am sure you have sat there and said “wow, that word really should not have been used in that sentence…” Even so, I am so thankful to the Lord that he has given me the strength to write, and even more strength to allow you to come along with me on this journey. You have to understand the vulnerability I must feel by opening up my life, grief, and pain and allowing you to see it in its most exposed and defenseless state. I try my hardest to not sugar coat anything, or to make it seem something that it is not, you are truly getting the best picture of this journey as I can give you, and it is not always easy. Grief is really something that is so private and personal, when you allow someone in, you are allowing their thoughts and judgments in as well, kind of comes with the territory. I am sure there have been many thoughts you have had that you would never voice to me and that is okay, keep it that way! And maybe now more then before ever reading anything I have ever written, you feel more at lost at what you could say to me in fear you might say the wrong thing, and that’s okay. Honestly I am not sure what the “right thing” would be. If I knew I would tell you, and tell you to say it a hundred times. I unfortunately don’t think it really exists, because what thing could you possibly say that could really ever make the situation any better? Not to be critical or bitter in any way, but honestly there are no words, really….there is truly no words to ever say that will ever really heal. If you ask people going through grief I’ll bet some of the best words, were the words unspoken. Sometimes the gestures are the greatest words, and the kindest and most rewarding pieces of healing. The people with the “right” words, are usually the people I continue to push further away, not that I mean to, but more out of a protective heart, guarding myself as best as I can. I know they are trying, I know they want so badly to help ease the pain a bit, but can anyone really ease the pain? God.... He really is the only one I know who can say the right thing, and sometimes it is hard to hear, but I appreciate hearing it from him, much more then hearing it from other people. Don’t worry, I know I am not around, I know you are not seeing me as much, BUT I am still listening to God, more now then I think I ever have.
I was not about to take a walk, I wanted it to be me to finish the game one way or another, not the kid who was up after me. The first pitch was about a foot outside - it took all I could to keep from swinging at it. The second pitch was coming in right over the plate, but it was high. Like I said, there was no way that I was going to take a walk, so I swung with all my might at a pitch right at eye level, I connected solid, and I knew it was over. It was a beautiful line drive right down the 3rd base line, it went over the 3rd baseman's head, and the left fielder had no chance of stopping it before it rolled to the 300 foot fence. As I rounded second, I knew the game was tied, and only one more run would win it all... The kid who was on first was running his heart out, and got home about 2 seconds before the ball got in...we did it, we were city champs. And best of all I was the one who finished it off. I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life.
As I said, that was the last time I have ever played in a championship game, that is until last night. I have been playing slow pitch softball with Volvo (for those of you that don't know, that's who I work for) we finished the season a respectable 9-5, enough to earn us a first round bye in the 12 team tournament. During this tournament we were just on, we ended up winning the first game by forfeit, because the other team didn't have enough players, so we were on to round 3 - we beat our arch rivals by a walk off tag up from first who was able to make it home (for those of you who don't know what a "walk off tag up" is - please go ask your husbands.
The next game we were down 0-4 going into the 4th inning - then we started hitting, and ended up winning 20-5 to make it to the championship game. I could hardly sleep Tuesday night, I couldn't believe it, we actually made it to the championship game, I had dreams, and hopes of scoring the winning run, or turning the double play that ended the game, and gave us a 1 run lead. As it turns out, we did not need my last minute heroics, I went a respectable 2-3 with 3 RBI's, by the 4th inning it was practically over (see the scoreboard below - we were the guests)
We won the game by a final score of 20-2 to win the Asheville, Men's E division, Slow Pitch softball championship. Yes, it was only "E" division, but we still won it handily.
Next year, we get to play up to the D league, I can't wait to take that one on as well, I'll be dreaming of the next time I get to play in a championship game
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Oh- This is one of the many reasons I am so in love with my husband. I can't imagine walking this journey with anyone else. He makes me laugh and makes the dogs bark (they always bark if we dance...)!!! We truly have so much fun, God is so good to have given me my best friend!!! It took some persuading for him to let me post this....so enjoy!
Monday, July 14, 2008
I laugh but feel guilty for laughing.
I have a good day and feel bad about having a good day.
I heal a little and think I am not ready to heal; I don’t heal any and wish so badly I could heal…even just a little.
When I don’t want to cry, I cry and the tears just keep coming, when I want to cry, I can’t force a tear even with my most horrible thoughts and best effort.
A darkness wanting to be released is waiting at my door step every day; some days I open the door and allow it in with open arms, embracing it and loving it and wanting to stay in it forever, other days I am able to lock it out and run in the other direction, never looking back but always aware of its ever growing and silent presence.
I know God is speaking and I know Satan is yelling.
I am fully aware of what is truth and what is a lie, the lie is always easier to accept and befriend.
I am unsatisfied with who I am, yet constantly trying to embrace who God has created.
I am a mix of emotions, feeling as though I can’t see clearly, yet sometimes I feel as though I am seeing things for the first time, more clearly.
I hear God in my darkest days, but in my best days he is silent. Some days I feel more free then I have ever felt, yet other days more trapped and alone then I have ever felt.
Some days I want a friend, other days I want no one.
I know I will make it through this battle, but sometimes I am tired of fighting.
I know the pain will heal, I know the reality will never change.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Oh Lord, how I want you to reveal yourself to me
I want to see you clearly, to know your voice so deeply
to reach out and grab your hand, allowing you to take this pain
Thank you God for meeting me each day, right where I am at,
for not expecting me at any service, at any meeting, or on any date
Oh Lord when will the pain just ease a little, just a little?
I love you!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Me and Gram
Thursday, July 10, 2008
It is times like this that I wish I could open my mind up and allow the words that are forming in my brain to form themselves on paper, without hesitation without thinking to much about each word or the order of which they should be placed, but to allow things to truly flow from the mind straight to the paper as if a mighty hand from above was penning it for me. There are so many times that our words are hindered by our circumstances and by our situations, we allow the color of our day to inhibit the color of our words, they change by what people say or what you think they might say, they change by the wants and desires of appealing to others and they loose the true meaning of there veracity. If we could all live for a day where we were not held back by the worlds expectations what would it look like? How would you live it? Would you change anything? I think that so many of us would change so much about who we truly are, we formed by much of what the world thinks, and so much of what we see, hear, and live that we have truly lost who we truly are. I am so curious to even think, and go as far to say, I wonder how my relationship with the Lord would change if I was not influenced by peoples thoughts, teachings, and words. What would it look like if my relationship with Lord was truly based on my relationship with just him and only him. However, and ever so often, our relationship with God is not based on a true unhindered relationship with the Him, but rather built so much on the teachings of others, how we see other people live, what we have heard or not heard. I have so many times envied Adam, he would walk and talk with Lord and it was only them, Adam was not influenced by billboards, Sunday morning teachings, or what his parents thought or did not think, he was only influenced by his daily walk with the God, oh how I long for that. Unfortunately sin entered the world and at that moment our relationship with God was now view by tainted glasses, painted by and hindered with everyday sin and the flesh of men. Not that we don't learn from great teaching of the great teachers, chosen and anointed by God, but don't you for a second just wonder what it would be like to live daily in a relationship with God not hindered by anything, not sculpted by anyone?
I guess that is why we long for heaven, and oh how I long for heaven, more now then I have ever. I might have two babies up there, and that, only the Lord knows. I can't wait to live in a place where I am not dictated by fear, expectations, wants, and desires, but rather by relationship with my king.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
I am so frustrated, I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that people refuse to hear my heart. I understand that people love me, I understand they want the best for me, however I don't understand their expectations. I cannot fulfill your expectations, when you place them on me I fail and it adds to my grief. I am dealing the best way I know how. I am grieving the best way I know how, it may not be the way you would grieve, it may not be the way someone you know grieved but this is my story and my journey, how can you judge how I am doing? I have lost two babies, I have waited to get pregnant, I have watched everyone around me experience the joy that I have only experienced at moments and then had it ripped away. I did not just miscarry this baby, do you know how it feels to be told there never was a baby?that your hormones are as high a full term pregnant women? what you thought was a heart beat, toes, arms, and fingers was nothing, can you grasp how this feels when you have waited for your turn, do you know? Do you know what it feels like to be told that you could almost die? that your baby never made it out of the fallopian tube and that it is a strong and growing baby? that in that moment i knew i was choosing my life over my babies life, can you understand the aching heart i must have over this? do you understand how hard both the times have been for me? I am not just grieving Judah, the hopes and dreams of Judah, the future, the plans, the experience, I am also grieving Eddie, I am grieving moments, I am grieving not being able to try and the uncertainty of getting pregnant.I don't expect you to understand my journey so please Stop expecting me to be something I am not. To be somewhere, to do something, stop telling me how I should feel, what is easy and what is the hardest,what I should do, how I should grieve. Stop wanting me to come where you are at, maybe meet me in the trenches, meet me in the hole that I am in and don't expect me to come out of it anytime soon for your convenience. I know it is hard to watch someone grieve, I know it is hard to understand what they are going through, I am trying my hardest to give you an insight into my journey,to help you know what I am going through, to tell you how I am doing, but it is whether or not you will lay down your expectations, to see with CHRIST eyes just what I am going through. I am dealing...I am healing, I am praying and I am loving my Lord. I am getting out, I am hiking with Kevin, I am living, it may not be public but it does not need to be public, it does not need to be for anyone else, it is for God. I don't need to go anywhere or do anything to "speed' the healing up...i don't want to speed the healing up, I don't want you to take it away or make it easier for me, I want to embrace it, hold onto it and allow it to change me. I may not have my baby, I may not ever have my baby on this earth, but I do have the freedom to grieve the best way I can. These are my babies, my loss, my grief, let me be,let me heal. pray for me love me and meet me where I am at. Stop expecting me to meet you where you are at, to come where you want me to come, to be around people you want me to be around, to heal when you want me to heal. Embrace me right where I am at, because I can promise you God is here everyday, in the trenches, picking up my broken heart, and sorting through my mess that he thinks is perfect and beautiful. I can't fulfill your expectations, i can't be who you want me to be, i can't heal the way you healed or the way you think I should heal. I can live everyday in a relationship with Christ, allowing HIM to heal me, to embrace me, to love me, in HIS timing, in HIS journey and HIS story for me. I am exactly where HE wants me to be.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Waking up this morning I was anxious about everything to come. I picked out my black "yoga" skirt which is most comfortable since I feel that I am not showing but defiantly bloating! I am waiting for the clock to read 11:45am because I know that this is the time Kevin will be home to get me. I am so full of emotions, I am scared deep down inside that something is wrong, but I am trying hard to hold onto God's promises and how much this pregnancy has been a "God pregnancy" from the moment we found out. I decide that I am defiantly not hungry and that Kevin and I will grab something afterwards as a celebration to seeing our baby. I check my purse to make sure I have everything I need, look around the house to make sure it is picked up and clean and then head outside to wait for Kevin. As I see the white Honda come around the corner my heart rate increases as I know we are getting closer to the moment of finding out whether we will be having one baby or two. I can't believe it is happening to me, I can't believe it is my turn, and I can't believe that I am pregnant. I get in the car and Kevin immediately notices I am nervous for the appointment to come. Placing his hand on my knee and giving it a gentle squeeze he says "are you excited?"
"Yes, but nervous. You really think everything is okay?"
"I do Beth, this is our moment, we are going to see this pregnancy to the end, Don't worry."
We drive to the Doctors office and I was relieved I have not thrown up yet. Still feeling uneasy and nervous we walk into the office. We sit down and wait for our turn, and as quickly as we sat down Kim, my nurse was out to get us. After a quick stop to the bathroom for a urine check and a scale check, which I hate, we are in the room waiting for Dr. Arcara to come in. Today is a BIG day, it is not only our first official OBGYN appointment but i am pretty sure I am around 10 weeks pregnant, and am anticipating seeing a heart beat. Dr. Arcara does the usual exam, which felt like it took years and I asked her all about the different birth techniques. We laughed and joked about how big Kevin was as a baby and she said to prepare myself for a big baby!!! She was so encouraged by everything and before she got the ultra sound machine ready she looks at me with big eyes and a tender voice and says "lets see this baby guys.."
My heart was racing and I felt Kevin's hand on mine as we waited for her to get everything in the right spot. As I was looking at the screen I knew immediately that something was wrong. The beautiful little sac we had seen weeks before was missing and in its place was clusters of fluid invading my uterus. I saw Dr. Arcara turn the screen from us, and look more intently at what she was seeing, my heart rate begin to rise and my hopes and dreams began to fall.
"Something is wrong Dr. Arcara..." I said more as a statement then a question.
"yes, something is wrong."
"Did I miscarry?"
"No you did not miscarry..."
"Then it is a molar pregnancy, there is no baby..."
As the words left my mouth, my world stopped turning. Dr. Arcara looked up at me with an astounding look and said,
"how did you know that?"
"I just did."
I am not sure how I knew, maybe because of other circumstances in my life, or maybe because deep down inside the Lord was preparing me, or maybe because I already had a mothers intuition telling me something was wrong with my beautiful baby, all I know is that I knew.
My mind began to race and I tried my hardest to grasp the reality that was now being served to me.
"I am so sorry Kevin, I am so so sorry," that was the only thing I knew to say to the person whose dreams were also coming to an end.
Dr. Arcara let me sit up and gave me a minute to grasp what was going on. She kept saying how sorry she was, but it was not her fault, it was nobodies fault, it just happened.
I kept telling myself that maybe I was dreaming, I would wake up and this would all be a terrible nightmare, but with each passing second I knew I was not going to wake up, this was a night mare, but a nightmare I was going to live.
Dr. Arcara left the room and Kevin and I wept.
"Lord please give us strength, we will praise you because you are a good God. Give us strength to once again walk this journey." I called my mom trying my hardest to help her understand what was going on, telling her repeatedly that we were going to be okay. We are going to be okay.
Dr. Arcara comes in with her medical book and begins to explain just what it is that we are going through. An egg without a chromosome was fertilized by a Y sperm, (It would have been a boy!!!), because the egg did not have a chromosome the Y sperm kept trying to fertilize, and in return filling my uterus with unwanted fluid. Words like, cancer, and not being able to try, and never a baby, were throne at my door step for me to sort out and grasp. I had to go to the hospital that day to get my lungs checked, how overwhelming, and then wait four days for the surgery. What would we do for four days? "Stop walking, take it easy, don't over due it, and if you begin to bleed come straight to the emergency room...we are so sorry... "
Everything from this moment on is a blur. I had to sign all kinds of paper work, stating that I recognize that I am no longer a prenatal patient, now I am a high risk pregnancy. Once again my hopes and dreams being ripped from my hands, again. What I had feared most was coming true, what path I did not want to walk, I was being asked to walk again.
We walked out of the doctors office and to our car. I could not get in, I could not move forward, I could not embrace what I was just told. I sat down under a huge tree and let the moment embrace me. Kevin called our friend and pastor for prayer and I once again called my mom trying to give her as much detail as I could. Kevin and I once again found ourselves in each others arms, overcome with grief with heavy hearts. We made our way up to the hospital for the pre-opp meeting, and the X-rays of my chest. As we drove home I wept once again. We walked into our house and the journey had begun. There was no turning back, there were no choices to be made, there were no what ifs about it, this was the moment of truth, would we praise God in the moment and days to come?
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Thank you Kev!!! You guys would be stuck looking at a mess if it was not for my amazing husband who has the patients to work everything out!
Friday, July 4, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
The hardest thing to embrace is the frumpy Mrs. Kermit the frog.....come on God can't you at least give me my ideal body during this time?!!?