Thursday, July 31, 2008

Now 18 Weeks Pregnant

You are now 18 weeks pregnant….. This was a newsletter I received from one that got neglected and I forgot to cancel it. When I first found out I was pregnant, I signed up for many newsletters that inform you how far along you are and what things you might be experiencing. Hard to believe I would be close to finding out what I was having (which we know would have been a baby boy), I would be feeling little baby kicks, and we would probably have the nursery started; I would defiantly be in maternity clothes, and defiantly looking very pregnant…Hard to believe.
You never know what a moment will bring, what a second holds, or what a lifetime will teach you. You can’t change your path, but you can change how you will walk the path, that is what I face every day, how am I going to walk this path? I went to the Doctors office yesterday to ask her a few questions about how I am doing. She was so assuring and said that I am handling things exactly how I should be, she was not concerned at all which was such a blessing. It will never be easy to walk into that doctor’s office, as I round the corner and pass the room where we had the ultra sounds, memories flood my mind and I find it hard to get past it, making me relive it once again.
Some days I am convinced I will wake up and realize it was just a horrible dream, that day has yet to come, my horrible dream is reality.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Thank You Lord

Tuesdays are extremely hard days, as I still have to go every week to get my blood work done. My mom, who is once again amazing and such a gift, has been taking me every week for support. Afterwards we always do lunch or something to help the day not seem so dark. Today we went down to Grace's house in Saluda. We had planned on going to a pool in their neighborhood but as we rounded the corner, Owen came to abrupt stop...someone else was there. We decided to just turn around and go back to Grace's house where we pulled her blue kiddie pool out and filled it up. It ended up being the perfect thing to do, providing much needed fun and laughter, Mom just "jumped" right in and it made it such a delight. Mom made me promise not to post any of her in the pool, but I can assure you it made us all laugh, and the kids loved it, until Owen decided it was time for Mimi (Mom) to get out...Oh what fun our family has. I am thankful that the Lord has invited them into the "house" as they walk this journey with me, and witness the miracle Christ is about to do.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

"My Child, Get up!"

I went to church today. That is more of an accomplishment then I even give myself credit for. You have no idea just what it takes for me to decide to go to church. It is not because I do not love my church family and our church in general, but going out- especially where people know me- is huge. The decision to go anywhere or do anything is usually a big… no let’s say ‘enormous, massive, a titanic like’ decision. I have driven twice to the Fletcher Park, only to get there and turn around and leave – with two very disappointed dogs I must say. I am not sure where these anxiety attacks are coming from, I am not sure when they will leave, but rather then constantly fight them, I am learning to just fall into them and do whatever it takes to make them go away, and that usually results in me going home. For the first couple weeks into this journey I really struggled with the feeling of being “expected” to be at church, I felt as though that was the only place God might truly meet me, and heal me. I have been learning a lot in the last couple of months, and God is revealing himself to me in so many new and exciting ways. I am learning just how compassionate our God is, not that I did not already know this truth about him, but rather just how real it has become to me. Kevin wrote awhile back, about how we did things in order to get something in return. Even after loosing Eddie, and now Judah, I feel as though I am just now grasping the relationship aspect of God. It is funny that this is what he is revealing to me, I am an extremely relational person, so much so that if someone asked me what “religion” I was, I have always said in return “I hate religion; I have a relationship with Jesus Christ.” How much of this relationship was based upon what I “wanted” from God, rather then what God “wanted” from me. In so many ways I based my relationship with Christ with a superficial check list that I created out of religion…
Went to church… CHECK
Tithed…. CHECK (With Kev's money that is now conveniently “ours”)
Prayed…. CHECK
Read my Bible…. CHECK
Read my Bible in the MORNING…. CHECK!! CHECK!!
Shared Christ… CHECK
Served at church…CHECK
I think you get my point. I felt that if I did all these things then I conveniently got to check off my little check list, and then I felt a lot whole better, and a whole lot more religious. Then as I bowed my head and prayed that God would grant me children, I felt as though he “had” to, “Come on God, I did everything on my end….now it is your turn.” Where is the relationship? With myself. Wow, what a reality to grasp. Do we do things out of having to do them? I think often times as humans, unfortunately yes we do. I know I do…not just with my relationship with God, but also with my relationship with people.
After loosing Judah, Kevin and I realized just how wrapped up we were in our own creative religion. Did I love God- absolutely, I am not talking about whether or not I did or did not have a relationship with God, I did, but it was warped and in many ways created by me, not in union with him. Do we need to do the things I listed above, yes, but not because God is standing above us threatening us, and tempting us, and bribing us, but because we have a real relationship with him. I do things for Kevin, not because Kevin will threaten me, but because I love Kevin deeply, and I am in a relationship with him, and I want to please him. Should I not want to do the same for God? That is all he wants from us, and he has opened my eyes and shined light on the dark areas of our relationship by stripping me of things I have always felt comfortable in…Going to church, praying, serving…things that I cannot physically do, I cannot physically make myself do these things right now, and that is okay. God will meet me in my home, he will meet me with a CD of specific music chosen just for me by a dear friend, a blog written by a close friend who also has lost a child, a verse that someone sent to me, scripture I read, books given to me, tears shed with me, shopping with my mom, making muffins, living with and loving my husband, but mostly, just being. God is into just being with me, meeting me right where I am at, and what healing this is. I am convinced that when he is ready he will release me of these physical anxieties that I am getting, but it will not be when you are ready, or when I am ready, it will be when he is ready. Right now he has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!

51When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."
53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Hiking With the Boys!

Hiking has become one of I and Kevin's favorite things to do on a Saturday- Here are few pics!

The End--

Flowers, Family, JOY

This was a day a while back but I know everyone enjoys pictures so here are a few; Mom, Grace, Dad, and the kids came over and helped me plant flowers- to lift my spirits!! They have done just that, I sit out and enjoy them as I drink my coffee- My family- such a joy!

(Owen was here, but he fell asleep in the car!)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

"I Envy you...."

There are so many points to this journey where you learn so many different things, about yourself, about others, and about life in general. I am amazed at how many times I have been stopped on my path and astounded by what God is doing in someone else’s life. I am distinctly aware of others struggles and difficulties, often times feeling they exceed what I am going through. Kevin and I have received many emails and cards from other people who have gone through the loss of loosing a child. I am amazed at their vulnerability to share their story with us and am humbled by their encouragement to us.
However there has been a select group that God has placed in my life that has really spoken and ministered to me, who probably don’t even realize it. This particular group of women has amazed and astounded me and an in many ways encouraged me like no one else could. It has surprised me how many times God has placed one of these amazing women in my life, to remind me gently what God has given to me in the most kind and uplifting way. I know it is specifically from God as I have always walked away encouraged and never once have I been offended by their words of observation, as they look into a section of my journey. I also know this is from God, not only because I have encountered these women on more the one occasion, but also because never in a million years would I have thought they would be the ones to minister to me in such away.
This group that I am speaking of and have been setting the stage for is the women who are my age or older and not married. I know surprising right? Well for whatever reason this has been one amazing way God has chosen to speak to me and shine light on a situation that seems the darkest. One girl I met randomly at a softball game Kevin had. She had never come before and she never came again. She was there that night for a specific reason I believe, and that was to kindly remind me of what God has given me. As we sat and chatted through out the game, she of course asked the dreaded question that always makes my heart sink and my body cringe; “Do you have children?” I can’t really describe to you just what this statement does to me. Unless you have lost a child or have dealt with infertility you will never really know what this question does to you. Anyway I took this as an opportunity to share with her my story, interesting because I have not allowed myself to share with many “strangers” my story…to vulnerable. I concluded my story, and she looked at me with tender eyes and said “I cannot imagine how that must feel…” As the night progressed and as our friendship continued, I was truly enjoying her company. From that point on we did not say anything else of great importance, until the game was coming to an end, it was then she touched my hand and said, “Beth, I cannot imagine what you have gone through, I have know idea what loosing a child must be like, but I still envy you.” I was startle and amazed, why in the world would anyone envy my situation? But as quickly as I had the thought she answered it “I am your age, not dating and don’t have any prospects for dating, all I want and all I have ever wanted is to have children and a husband, to stay home and take care of them. Instead I have an apartment, a dog, and am working two jobs to maintain it. I don’t even have the choice for kids right now and not only have I had to watch all my friends get married, but now I am watching them make and have their families, while I am still alone. I envy what you have Beth, because although you have to wait six months to try again for another child, you at least get to hold onto to the dream of children and be held at night by your husband while you are most lonely. I go home by myself.” At that moment my heart broke for this young women, she was beautiful and had a good head on her shoulders, and here she was looking at me and thinking “you are living the dream,” how humbling this was to me.
She is just one of example of many, and I have to say that each time God places another one of the extraordinary girls in my path; it opens my eyes up more to see what God has given me; a loving husband who in the midst of my mess still loves me. I am astounded by Gods grace and mercy in my life, I am living my dream, I am a wife to Kevin and that is more then I even deserved, and although I do not get to mother my children here on earth I am still very much a mother! God did not have to give me anything yet he choose to give me the gift of a soul mate and two beautiful children who will never ever experience pain, that is more then I could ever ask or imagine. Everyday I get to spend with Kevin in this life is worth it, I am a truly blessed mother and wife!
I do pray for these girls, I can’t imagine what they must feel everyday, how their hearts must sink every time they get a wedding announcement of yet another friend, I pray that their dreams do come true and that one day they email me and tell me of the love God has given to them, however just like me in the since of being asked to wait, I hope they know just how much their lives have impacted mine. Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting what we do not have that we loose focus of what we do have, and I have more then I could ever imagine!!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

A Joy- My family

What a blessing my family is, especially my mom, who ministers to me the only way a mother can. She knew I was having a tough week so she came and spent the day with me. She took me shopping and out for not only lunch but dinner as well. I smiled and laughed with her and really did come out of my hole for awhile and it felt so good. As she dropped me off she sweetly reminded me that it is okay to have a “good day,” knowing this would be something I would struggle with later, and it really was a good day. I can’t tell you what a blessing it has been to have my family close by. They really have rolled up their sleeves and gotten in the mud with me, often times helping me sort through my bag of mix emotions and frustrating feelings. They have cried with me, sat with me, cleaned for me, planted flowers for me, cooked for me, and most of all, loved me each and every day right where I was at. There will never be the right words to ever thank them, I will never find away to really express how much their love has meant to me. I can’t imagine walking this without them, one of the many things I find joy in right now- my family!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

What's With All the Sadness?

What’s with all the sadness? This is a question I got through a facebook message. This is one of the reasons I will be cancelling Facebook and MySpace. Interesting, that someone could say such a thing, maybe they did not know the situation; or maybe they did and they were tired of me being so "sad" all the time, either way the comment still caught me off guard. I guess loosing a baby is not that sad? Well from where I am standing, and what I am living through it is extremely sad. I have so far had a hard week. I still have to go every week and get my blood taken to make sure that there is no “cancer” that is multiplying through my body. I dread Tuesdays every time. I hate needles and I hate waiting for the phone call, always very aware that my levels could go up. I am exhausted, swept away with many emotions. Sometimes I am not sure I will survive this. I am just frustrated, feeling very aggravated in the situation that I am in, yet having no control over it. I am tired and wish so badly I could escape the endless sea of thoughts and pain. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, I don’t want to wakeup in the morning and I don’t want to do this anymore. I am feeling so desperate yet there is nothing I can do to change the situation I am in. "I did not realize you were still sad..." this is another comment I have recieved. Still sad? Still hurting? What do you expect? I am very sad.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Walking the Path

Right now I must wake up every morning and take birth control. How interesting that for right now God has really said wait in more ways than we could imagine. We have no control over the situation, I can’t change the reality that has been handed to me, and it is a path I would never have chosen. I may not be able to change the path or the outcome, but I can decide how I am going to travel it. Some days I do good on the path, I take my birth control and move on, trying not to think about what it is doing to my body but often times feeling its affect. I run through the list of things God has done for me, I cry at the thought of not being able to try, but I keep moving, continuing down the dreaded path, but with a heart uplifted not down casted. However there are those days, like today, where I don’t do so good; I put off taking it, delaying the action, and avoiding the thought. Then when I finally breakdown in taking it- not because I want to, but because of utter fear of what might happen if I were to get pregnant, and as I swallow the dreaded pill my heart sinks at the reality that is once again handed to me, and I breakdown right in the middle of the path. Either way you look at it, I am still walking on the path. People have said to me “I don’t know how you are doing it,” and how I appreciate those words, I really do, though I am beginning to realize that I have to “do it.” There is no escape route, no easy path, no easy way around it; I am faced with the reality that I have to “do it.” Just by taking breaths, is doing it, because it is choosing to live through it. I would be such a liar if I did not say that I have often times thought that dying would be such an easier way, then I would be with my babies, I would not have to think about whether or not we can or cannot get pregnant, whether or not my levels will rise and I will be faced with cancer, whether this will happen again, and the pain and grief over loosing another hope and dream and best of all I would be with Christ, wow what a great solution…it seems. I realize and know that this is not an easy way out, but it is something I am faced with everyday. As I wake up, place my feet on the floor and take yet another breath, I am choosing to continue down this path, easy or not I am walking it. I am so thankful for Kevin, who God has given to me to walk with me, side by side, hand in hand, and often times, in the arms of. I am so thankful that Christ walks it with us, each agonizing step, and battle he is there, healing, loving, and crying with us. I am walking this, well or not, I am walking it- and that is more of an accomplishment than I can tell you.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Home Sweet Home

Kevin and I had such a blessed weekend, thanks to Aunt Nela and uncle Jim (thank you so much!), they once again opened their home to us to escape for the weekend down in Charlotte. I appreciated it and can't tell you how perfect it was. Kevin and I don't venture out much when we get there, we usually get our "survival kit" which includes; movies, junk food, wine, and drinks, then it is just a matter of kicking back and enjoying ourselves. One of the big pulls for both of us in going to Charlotte is to visit some of our favorite, Cousins (which we missed all of you guys this time) AND...Of course stop by is our favorite place to eat! We really did have a good time and it was the first time we were away from home which actually proved to be a harder task then I originally thought it would be. It took some time making up my mind that this would be good, and even more time to actually get in the car and go. Once there I was fine but we did get tempted to "Just go home" on more than one occasion, however I did appreciate not having anywhere to be or anything to do, which you all know is my biggest thing right now..."no expectations" and we did not have any! As we pulled into our driveway today, I was so happy and content to be home, I told Kevin it was good to go, just for the feeling of getting home! It makes me realize just how much I appreciate my home, I don’t want to move (PRAISE GOD), and I don’t want to change anything right now. For all of you who think I am “trapped” in my home, I reassure you - I am far from trapped, I am so happy in my home!
I tried taking pics of our weekend but we did nothing to take pictures of. So here is the one that I did take....Kev and I sat outside and played cards for a good couple of hours....we have so much fun together!!!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Late Night Words

My mind is going in a hundred directions right now, I can’t seem to even follow a single thought, and I am hoping that writing will be the reign that pulls it in. It is 10:50pm, Kevin is asleep to the left of me and I am once again wide awake in an endless sea of my own thoughts. I have actually had two good nights in a row; I was even able to fall asleep without the aid of my usual; two Tylenol Pm and two glasses of wine (Don’t worry you can pray for me later and sign me up for AA…). I consider it a success when I am able to fall asleep under two hours and stay asleep at least three hours at a time without waking up, and for two nights I have been able to do just that. We will see how tonight goes. It is entertaining to me that my writing comes easiest in the late hours of the night. I try writing when I first wake up with my coffee in my hand and the birds singing…., I figure this seems more like a “real” writer to me, not that I am even close to a “real” writer but I like to pretend. For right now though at night is the only way I can keep my mind in check and on some kind of logical path or maybe not logical at all, but at least occupied. It also is so helpful in passing the time as I wait to get sleepy, which always seems to take forever. Most of my postings thus far have taken place late at night, and then I save them re-read them a couple of times and finally get the courage to post them. I know I am not really a writer, praise God for Microsoft Word (if only you could see all the green and red squiggly lines…)! And even after all my editing and re-reading there are still so many mistakes and so many times I am sure you have sat there and said “wow, that word really should not have been used in that sentence…” Even so, I am so thankful to the Lord that he has given me the strength to write, and even more strength to allow you to come along with me on this journey. You have to understand the vulnerability I must feel by opening up my life, grief, and pain and allowing you to see it in its most exposed and defenseless state. I try my hardest to not sugar coat anything, or to make it seem something that it is not, you are truly getting the best picture of this journey as I can give you, and it is not always easy. Grief is really something that is so private and personal, when you allow someone in, you are allowing their thoughts and judgments in as well, kind of comes with the territory. I am sure there have been many thoughts you have had that you would never voice to me and that is okay, keep it that way! And maybe now more then before ever reading anything I have ever written, you feel more at lost at what you could say to me in fear you might say the wrong thing, and that’s okay. Honestly I am not sure what the “right thing” would be. If I knew I would tell you, and tell you to say it a hundred times. I unfortunately don’t think it really exists, because what thing could you possibly say that could really ever make the situation any better? Not to be critical or bitter in any way, but honestly there are no words, really….there is truly no words to ever say that will ever really heal. If you ask people going through grief I’ll bet some of the best words, were the words unspoken. Sometimes the gestures are the greatest words, and the kindest and most rewarding pieces of healing. The people with the “right” words, are usually the people I continue to push further away, not that I mean to, but more out of a protective heart, guarding myself as best as I can. I know they are trying, I know they want so badly to help ease the pain a bit, but can anyone really ease the pain? God.... He really is the only one I know who can say the right thing, and sometimes it is hard to hear, but I appreciate hearing it from him, much more then hearing it from other people. Don’t worry, I know I am not around, I know you are not seeing me as much, BUT I am still listening to God, more now then I think I ever have.

City Champs - by Kevin

The last time I played in a championship game for any sport was when I was 12. It was the Longmont Baseball League (like Little League, but local to the city I grew up in.) We were playing for the 11-12 year old championship. It was the bottom of the 6th inning (that's all we would play) we were down by 2, bases loaded, 2 outs and guess who is up... that's right, yours truly. I was nervous, but confident, I had been doing well all season - but this was it...Either I go home with my head down, or I go home with a sweet plastic trophy.

I was not about to take a walk, I wanted it to be me to finish the game one way or another, not the kid who was up after me. The first pitch was about a foot outside - it took all I could to keep from swinging at it. The second pitch was coming in right over the plate, but it was high. Like I said, there was no way that I was going to take a walk, so I swung with all my might at a pitch right at eye level, I connected solid, and I knew it was over. It was a beautiful line drive right down the 3rd base line, it went over the 3rd baseman's head, and the left fielder had no chance of stopping it before it rolled to the 300 foot fence. As I rounded second, I knew the game was tied, and only one more run would win it all... The kid who was on first was running his heart out, and got home about 2 seconds before the ball got in...we did it, we were city champs. And best of all I was the one who finished it off. I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life.

As I said, that was the last time I have ever played in a championship game, that is until last night. I have been playing slow pitch softball with Volvo (for those of you that don't know, that's who I work for) we finished the season a respectable 9-5, enough to earn us a first round bye in the 12 team tournament. During this tournament we were just on, we ended up winning the first game by forfeit, because the other team didn't have enough players, so we were on to round 3 - we beat our arch rivals by a walk off tag up from first who was able to make it home (for those of you who don't know what a "walk off tag up" is - please go ask your husbands.

The next game we were down 0-4 going into the 4th inning - then we started hitting, and ended up winning 20-5 to make it to the championship game. I could hardly sleep Tuesday night, I couldn't believe it, we actually made it to the championship game, I had dreams, and hopes of scoring the winning run, or turning the double play that ended the game, and gave us a 1 run lead. As it turns out, we did not need my last minute heroics, I went a respectable 2-3 with 3 RBI's, by the 4th inning it was practically over (see the scoreboard below - we were the guests)

We won the game by a final score of 20-2 to win the Asheville, Men's E division, Slow Pitch softball championship. Yes, it was only "E" division, but we still won it handily.

Next year, we get to play up to the D league, I can't wait to take that one on as well, I'll be dreaming of the next time I get to play in a championship game

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My Husband!!!!

Oh- This is one of the many reasons I am so in love with my husband. I can't imagine walking this journey with anyone else. He makes me laugh and makes the dogs bark (they always bark if we dance...)!!! We truly have so much fun, God is so good to have given me my best friend!!! It took some persuading for him to let me post enjoy!

Monday, July 14, 2008


I can’t sleep but know I need to sleep; I can’t rest but know I need to rest.
I laugh but feel guilty for laughing.
I have a good day and feel bad about having a good day.
I heal a little and think I am not ready to heal; I don’t heal any and wish so badly I could heal…even just a little.
When I don’t want to cry, I cry and the tears just keep coming, when I want to cry, I can’t force a tear even with my most horrible thoughts and best effort.
A darkness wanting to be released is waiting at my door step every day; some days I open the door and allow it in with open arms, embracing it and loving it and wanting to stay in it forever, other days I am able to lock it out and run in the other direction, never looking back but always aware of its ever growing and silent presence.
I know God is speaking and I know Satan is yelling.
I am fully aware of what is truth and what is a lie, the lie is always easier to accept and befriend.
I am unsatisfied with who I am, yet constantly trying to embrace who God has created.
I am a mix of emotions, feeling as though I can’t see clearly, yet sometimes I feel as though I am seeing things for the first time, more clearly.
I hear God in my darkest days, but in my best days he is silent. Some days I feel more free then I have ever felt, yet other days more trapped and alone then I have ever felt.
Some days I want a friend, other days I want no one.

I know I will make it through this battle, but sometimes I am tired of fighting.
I know the pain will heal, I know the reality will never change.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Letting Him

I am beginning to hate/love nights, this is the time my mind seems most vivid in its thoughts. I analyze, re-live, plan, strategize, and it is difficult for my body to shut down. I have been thinking a lot about my grief, how I am handling it, what I should or should not be doing, and what people might think of me. I have been wondering if my over dramatic, over sensitive and extremely emotional personality is what is causing my grief to be as it is, or could it be that I am truly in a place in my life that is tragic, and horrific reacting just as I should react. Am I over dramatizing? Some might say...Am I reacting exactly as I should? Some might say..... What do I say? I don't know, I honestly don't know. I do know that I cannot fake, act, or pretend anything that I have felt so far. I am who I am, grieving the only way I know how to, honest and humble, a mother who is broken with empty arms and a confused heart. I am me, and honestly I don't know who me is anymore. Is this what grief does to every person? Strips them of everything they once thought they were and making them so unsure of everything they thought was secure? I don't know, I don't have the answers but I am searching. When I talk to God, (which is now what I do, I can't pray...but I can talk) I am finding that we are having many conversations about his children walking through the fiery furnace, sleeping in the lion’s den, and walking through grief, pain, tragedy, and hopelessness. Why God? "To help you see me more clearly Beth." This seems to be the only answer I get on a repeated daily basis. In the midst of such a storm is when you really see Christ more clearly- but here is the catch, if you let him reveal himself to you.

Oh Lord, how I want you to reveal yourself to me
I want to see you clearly, to know your voice so deeply
to reach out and grab your hand, allowing you to take this pain
Thank you God for meeting me each day, right where I am at,
for not expecting me at any service, at any meeting, or on any date
Oh Lord when will the pain just ease a little, just a little?
I love you!

A Day in the Life

So- we painted, and we painted the office that was going to be the nursery. We both felt we needed the change and something different. We chose green..... I know right....Green? The pictures I will post does not look like the green we picked...just know that. We are pleased with the outcome, it was hard and we both kept saying how badly we wished were painting the nursery. In the Lords timing and perfect will!

So what do you think?
This is a little art we did...It says I am ok....HINT HINT HINT~~~
I did not tell him to write this!

Finished!! I right?

Friday, July 11, 2008

A Walk Down Memory Lane with Bran Muffins!

Pappy and Grammy!
Me and Gram

I made bran muffins tonight....Grammy's Bran Muffins!

Now that might not be a very important act to you, but if you are any way related to me and know Grammy, then that struck a cord deep inside your heart and soul, probably making you pause and remember her face! My "Gram"- wonderful, kind, gentle, understanding, lovable, funny, unique, special, best friend, and so much more...are just a few things that describe Gram. She was my dads mother, and my grandmother. In the home I was born in, she and Pappy, lived in a little house right outside my home. My dad always tells the story of me waking up early in the morning, and dad taking me out to Grammy and Pappys house so that mom could get some rest. Oh Gram, to even think of her now brings emotion to the surface. When my parents moved, Grammy and pappy came with us. Dad and Mom found a house that had a huge basement that they converted into a home for them to live in. What a blessing that would be in the days to come. Pappy passed away when I was six years old. I don't remember much, but I do remember how much they loved one another, and what a strong man Pappy was, and I remember seeing Grammy cry. I know Grammy and I connected at a young age, she loved babies and she especially loved her grandbabies. As the years passed though, Grammy not only became my best friend, but I truly believe I became hers. I would spend my days at her house, playing all kinds of games, making up games, putting on shows for her, and of course going down in the middle of the night when I felt as though I just might "throw up." We were the best of buds, needing one another. As I got older I would Sneak down to her house in the late hours of the night, climb in bed with her and tell her how I would never, ever, leave her, if she promised to never, ever, leave me. She would hold me in her arms and tell me how I helped her grieve the loss of pappy, she would always say to me "I needed to be needed Bethie, and you needed me..." and oh how I did. Gram got me, talk about not having any expectations on someone Gram was that way. She never placed expectations on me, she always loved me right where I was at. Oh I miss Gram tonight, wondering often how she would encourage me on these toughest days. I dream of gram sometimes, and some of my dreams are so vivid, so real, I can literally feel her arms wrap around me, the smell of her, and her smile. One thing that I hold onto, is seeing Grammy hold my babies now. I know she is, I know she is loving them and telling them all about their mom, her Bethie. I can picture her laughing with them, and making them giggle, holding them high in the sky and embracing them. Gram was my rock in such hard times in my life. It feels as though when things now happen in my life, she should be here. Oh how I miss gram on these hard days, to be held by her again, to see her face, and feel her love, she was one of a kind, she was my Gram!
I personally think, that although I felt extremely close to Gram, each one of her grandchildren could write out a similar story based on Gram. She had a special way that made you feel like you had a unique connection just with her, that was one of her gifts!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Longing for an Unhendered Relationship

When I lay in bed at night, it seems my mind is most clear, I tend to think of things never thought of and I process much of what is going on. It is at night that I re-live the moments that have happened, and try to process what is going to happen. I begin telling a story of the future both good and bad, scary and peaceful. It is at night that things that should be asleep come most alive in a vivid imagination and an endless sea of wonders. Tonight my mind is not there yet. I often times lay in bed and wish I could put on paper all my mind is thinking, but unfortunately by the time I get paper and a pen, I start analyzing and think to much about what it is I just discovered deep in the brain. Tonight I am not sure what to write about, what to put on paper, or where my mind is taking me. It seems to blank and dark in every corner.

It is times like this that I wish I could open my mind up and allow the words that are forming in my brain to form themselves on paper, without hesitation without thinking to much about each word or the order of which they should be placed, but to allow things to truly flow from the mind straight to the paper as if a mighty hand from above was penning it for me. There are so many times that our words are hindered by our circumstances and by our situations, we allow the color of our day to inhibit the color of our words, they change by what people say or what you think they might say, they change by the wants and desires of appealing to others and they loose the true meaning of there veracity. If we could all live for a day where we were not held back by the worlds expectations what would it look like? How would you live it? Would you change anything? I think that so many of us would change so much about who we truly are, we formed by much of what the world thinks, and so much of what we see, hear, and live that we have truly lost who we truly are. I am so curious to even think, and go as far to say, I wonder how my relationship with the Lord would change if I was not influenced by peoples thoughts, teachings, and words. What would it look like if my relationship with Lord was truly based on my relationship with just him and only him. However, and ever so often, our relationship with God is not based on a true unhindered relationship with the Him, but rather built so much on the teachings of others, how we see other people live, what we have heard or not heard. I have so many times envied Adam, he would walk and talk with Lord and it was only them, Adam was not influenced by billboards, Sunday morning teachings, or what his parents thought or did not think, he was only influenced by his daily walk with the God, oh how I long for that. Unfortunately sin entered the world and at that moment our relationship with God was now view by tainted glasses, painted by and hindered with everyday sin and the flesh of men. Not that we don't learn from great teaching of the great teachers, chosen and anointed by God, but don't you for a second just wonder what it would be like to live daily in a relationship with God not hindered by anything, not sculpted by anyone?

I guess that is why we long for heaven, and oh how I long for heaven, more now then I have ever. I might have two babies up there, and that, only the Lord knows. I can't wait to live in a place where I am not dictated by fear, expectations, wants, and desires, but rather by relationship with my king.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

My Journey...Right or Wrong

I am in no way trying to offend anyone by writing this. This is my heart and hopefully will speak to you, or maybe to someone walking a similar journey of grief, pain, and loss. I have taken a couple of days to write this and was hesitant to post it, but had to be reminded that this blog is a way for me to allow myself an outlet of connection and a way to share the different and difficult experiences on this journey. This was not directed at one person, it was directed at expectations I feel that may or may not even be there.

I am so frustrated, I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that people refuse to hear my heart. I understand that people love me, I understand they want the best for me, however I don't understand their expectations. I cannot fulfill your expectations, when you place them on me I fail and it adds to my grief. I am dealing the best way I know how. I am grieving the best way I know how, it may not be the way you would grieve, it may not be the way someone you know grieved but this is my story and my journey, how can you judge how I am doing? I have lost two babies, I have waited to get pregnant, I have watched everyone around me experience the joy that I have only experienced at moments and then had it ripped away. I did not just miscarry this baby, do you know how it feels to be told there never was a baby?that your hormones are as high a full term pregnant women? what you thought was a heart beat, toes, arms, and fingers was nothing, can you grasp how this feels when you have waited for your turn, do you know? Do you know what it feels like to be told that you could almost die? that your baby never made it out of the fallopian tube and that it is a strong and growing baby? that in that moment i knew i was choosing my life over my babies life, can you understand the aching heart i must have over this? do you understand how hard both the times have been for me? I am not just grieving Judah, the hopes and dreams of Judah, the future, the plans, the experience, I am also grieving Eddie, I am grieving moments, I am grieving not being able to try and the uncertainty of getting pregnant.I don't expect you to understand my journey so please Stop expecting me to be something I am not. To be somewhere, to do something, stop telling me how I should feel, what is easy and what is the hardest,what I should do, how I should grieve. Stop wanting me to come where you are at, maybe meet me in the trenches, meet me in the hole that I am in and don't expect me to come out of it anytime soon for your convenience. I know it is hard to watch someone grieve, I know it is hard to understand what they are going through, I am trying my hardest to give you an insight into my journey,to help you know what I am going through, to tell you how I am doing, but it is whether or not you will lay down your expectations, to see with CHRIST eyes just what I am going through. I am dealing...I am healing, I am praying and I am loving my Lord. I am getting out, I am hiking with Kevin, I am living, it may not be public but it does not need to be public, it does not need to be for anyone else, it is for God. I don't need to go anywhere or do anything to "speed' the healing up...i don't want to speed the healing up, I don't want you to take it away or make it easier for me, I want to embrace it, hold onto it and allow it to change me. I may not have my baby, I may not ever have my baby on this earth, but I do have the freedom to grieve the best way I can. These are my babies, my loss, my grief, let me be,let me heal. pray for me love me and meet me where I am at. Stop expecting me to meet you where you are at, to come where you want me to come, to be around people you want me to be around, to heal when you want me to heal. Embrace me right where I am at, because I can promise you God is here everyday, in the trenches, picking up my broken heart, and sorting through my mess that he thinks is perfect and beautiful. I can't fulfill your expectations, i can't be who you want me to be, i can't heal the way you healed or the way you think I should heal. I can live everyday in a relationship with Christ, allowing HIM to heal me, to embrace me, to love me, in HIS timing, in HIS journey and HIS story for me. I am exactly where HE wants me to be.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The moment

I am not sure what compelled me to stay up one night and write this, maybe the Lord knew I would want it one day. I tried my hardest to remember those hours, the emotion and words shared. Maybe this will give everyone a little glimpse of that moment, and the moments to come. You have joined us this far on the journey...this is how it all began. This was hard to write, and harder to post.

Waking up this morning I was anxious about everything to come. I picked out my black "yoga" skirt which is most comfortable since I feel that I am not showing but defiantly bloating! I am waiting for the clock to read 11:45am because I know that this is the time Kevin will be home to get me. I am so full of emotions, I am scared deep down inside that something is wrong, but I am trying hard to hold onto God's promises and how much this pregnancy has been a "God pregnancy" from the moment we found out. I decide that I am defiantly not hungry and that Kevin and I will grab something afterwards as a celebration to seeing our baby. I check my purse to make sure I have everything I need, look around the house to make sure it is picked up and clean and then head outside to wait for Kevin. As I see the white Honda come around the corner my heart rate increases as I know we are getting closer to the moment of finding out whether we will be having one baby or two. I can't believe it is happening to me, I can't believe it is my turn, and I can't believe that I am pregnant. I get in the car and Kevin immediately notices I am nervous for the appointment to come. Placing his hand on my knee and giving it a gentle squeeze he says "are you excited?"

"Yes, but nervous. You really think everything is okay?"

"I do Beth, this is our moment, we are going to see this pregnancy to the end, Don't worry."

We drive to the Doctors office and I was relieved I have not thrown up yet. Still feeling uneasy and nervous we walk into the office. We sit down and wait for our turn, and as quickly as we sat down Kim, my nurse was out to get us. After a quick stop to the bathroom for a urine check and a scale check, which I hate, we are in the room waiting for Dr. Arcara to come in. Today is a BIG day, it is not only our first official OBGYN appointment but i am pretty sure I am around 10 weeks pregnant, and am anticipating seeing a heart beat. Dr. Arcara does the usual exam, which felt like it took years and I asked her all about the different birth techniques. We laughed and joked about how big Kevin was as a baby and she said to prepare myself for a big baby!!! She was so encouraged by everything and before she got the ultra sound machine ready she looks at me with big eyes and a tender voice and says "lets see this baby guys.."

My heart was racing and I felt Kevin's hand on mine as we waited for her to get everything in the right spot. As I was looking at the screen I knew immediately that something was wrong. The beautiful little sac we had seen weeks before was missing and in its place was clusters of fluid invading my uterus. I saw Dr. Arcara turn the screen from us, and look more intently at what she was seeing, my heart rate begin to rise and my hopes and dreams began to fall.

"Something is wrong Dr. Arcara..." I said more as a statement then a question.

"yes, something is wrong."

"Did I miscarry?"

"No you did not miscarry..."

"Then it is a molar pregnancy, there is no baby..."

As the words left my mouth, my world stopped turning. Dr. Arcara looked up at me with an astounding look and said,

"how did you know that?"

"I just did."

I am not sure how I knew, maybe because of other circumstances in my life, or maybe because deep down inside the Lord was preparing me, or maybe because I already had a mothers intuition telling me something was wrong with my beautiful baby, all I know is that I knew.

My mind began to race and I tried my hardest to grasp the reality that was now being served to me.

"I am so sorry Kevin, I am so so sorry," that was the only thing I knew to say to the person whose dreams were also coming to an end.

Dr. Arcara let me sit up and gave me a minute to grasp what was going on. She kept saying how sorry she was, but it was not her fault, it was nobodies fault, it just happened.

I kept telling myself that maybe I was dreaming, I would wake up and this would all be a terrible nightmare, but with each passing second I knew I was not going to wake up, this was a night mare, but a nightmare I was going to live.

Dr. Arcara left the room and Kevin and I wept.

"Lord please give us strength, we will praise you because you are a good God. Give us strength to once again walk this journey." I called my mom trying my hardest to help her understand what was going on, telling her repeatedly that we were going to be okay. We are going to be okay.

Dr. Arcara comes in with her medical book and begins to explain just what it is that we are going through. An egg without a chromosome was fertilized by a Y sperm, (It would have been a boy!!!), because the egg did not have a chromosome the Y sperm kept trying to fertilize, and in return filling my uterus with unwanted fluid. Words like, cancer, and not being able to try, and never a baby, were throne at my door step for me to sort out and grasp. I had to go to the hospital that day to get my lungs checked, how overwhelming, and then wait four days for the surgery. What would we do for four days? "Stop walking, take it easy, don't over due it, and if you begin to bleed come straight to the emergency room...we are so sorry... "

Everything from this moment on is a blur. I had to sign all kinds of paper work, stating that I recognize that I am no longer a prenatal patient, now I am a high risk pregnancy. Once again my hopes and dreams being ripped from my hands, again. What I had feared most was coming true, what path I did not want to walk, I was being asked to walk again.

We walked out of the doctors office and to our car. I could not get in, I could not move forward, I could not embrace what I was just told. I sat down under a huge tree and let the moment embrace me. Kevin called our friend and pastor for prayer and I once again called my mom trying to give her as much detail as I could. Kevin and I once again found ourselves in each others arms, overcome with grief with heavy hearts. We made our way up to the hospital for the pre-opp meeting, and the X-rays of my chest. As we drove home I wept once again. We walked into our house and the journey had begun. There was no turning back, there were no choices to be made, there were no what ifs about it, this was the moment of truth, would we praise God in the moment and days to come?

We Are, He is

we live, He breaths,
we want, He has
we cry, He loves,
we laugh, He plays
we are weary, He is strong,
we are scared, He is fearless
we are his, He is ours,
i am yours, You are mine
we are lost, He will find,
we are blind, He can see
when He calls, we will answer
when we yell, He will whisper
when we ask, He will give
when we are desperate, He is life.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

My New Template

I decided that because our blog has been such a big part of our, especially my life, that it needed some sprucing up and creativity. And if you are reading this you truly deserve the best, to be so kind as to read our words, and join us on the journey. As I clicked on the site to check out all the templates I was amazed at all the themes. I mean there must of been thousands of themes you could have chosen from, who in the world designs these anyways? I could do much better!! After much debate and a few tears I came across the one I thought was okay and got the Kevin nod of approval. It fit his "simple" yet "unique" appearance that he wanted, yet not portraying to much of a girly side. He was a bit disappointed when I said no to the Broncos theme. I copied the code into the blog following the step by step directions and not thinking much about it. Well as you can see it is very different and it took a lot of work to get it back to normal. Everything got erased and moved around and something that was suppose to be nice and fun was stressful and frustrating. So if you are going to change your template you can call Kevin and I for the top ten reasons why you should not change your template. However it is now up and running and I really like it, I now expect a lot of comments telling me how good it looks!!!!!! (If you tell me how bad it looks you will get a lot of tears and more frustrations. Remember I am irrational and do not take your words lightly!!)
Thank you Kev!!! You guys would be stuck looking at a mess if it was not for my amazing husband who has the patients to work everything out!

Double the Fun

This is Dad and Kevin going off it!

Oh Fun

This is Dad going off!

The Wonders Continue

We drove into the mountains and into the back woods, found ourselves an emerald mine and went digging! We found all kinds of fun treasure. It was a fun day with the family!!!

Friday, July 4, 2008

A day of Wonders

This is the falls we went to, Kevin and his dad slid down it~~~

This was a six foot hole that you could climb in and let the water go over you...
Here is Kev going off the edge! So cool!!!
Dad in the hole!
The fam!!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

My Prayer

One day, One moment, One second at a time
one journey, one valley, one mountain to climb
He sings, He dances, He loves you all the time
He's the king, He's your father, He's the maker of the world
He holds you, he holds your baby, he loves you all the time
He is God, He is healer, He is always wanting you
will you go, will you fall, will you let him heal your heart
he is good, he is love, he is calling all the time
he is here, is there, He is everywhere you are
are you ready, are willing can you let it all fall
I am not sure, I don't know but I want to more then life
I am yours, I want you, I am calling out for life
I love you, I love you, I love you oh Lord
Take my pain, take my hurt, take my broken heart
I need you, I want you, you are all there is to love
Hold my child, rock my baby, make them giggle make them laugh
Let them smile, let them grow, let them know my mothers heart
I love them, I love you, I give them, even though we have to be apart
hold them close, hold me close, let me feel their beating hearts.
You are God, you are good, you're the lover of my soul .

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Frumpy Mrs Kermit the Frog and the Fresh Market

When I awoke this morning one thing that made me somewhat excited to get out of bed, was the thought of going to the Fresh Market and picking out some fun things to eat or drink. My in laws are coming into town tomorrow for the weekend, so I wanted some different things to enjoy. I finally pushed myself out of bed around 10am (I know you are jealous...this is one of my perks of dealing right now...) but did not get dressed or moving until close to 12pm. Finally I got the motivation I was looking for and started out on my day, anticipating all the fun food I was going to get. As I approached the Fresh Market I decided to run into Stein Mart which is right next to it. I have been looking for summer shirts and skirts I can wear that make me feel good but are comfortable. Now if you are like me I have to be in the right kind of "mood" to try things on. And the last couple of days I have been in that mood. I went out yesterday in search for somethings only to come away frustrated and aggravated and convinced that they have shrunk sizes.... Anyways I decided to give it another shot, thinking to myself that it would make me feel good to find some cute outfits. I was excited to see they were having a big sale and even more excited as I rummaged through the racks and found that they actually had some cute things. My"mood" for trying on things increased and I went in with about 10 items each holding a unique and fun feel to them. I thought I was really going to find the right look and that maybe it would be one of those days when everything looked good and you had to make a decisions as to what to buy. As I slid on my first bright green skit (I was feeling funky) and green top and turned to look in the mirror, what I saw looking back a me was a frumpy Mrs. Kermit the frog, with unshaven legs and armpits and a muffin top belly and side pony tail that was a mess. I stood there for a moment, and then began to laugh at the sight of me. As the trying on continued, it just went down hill. Finally I pulled my original clothes back on, took my outfits to the lady and left the store. I was disappointed and a bit frustrated but decided not to dwell on it and to finish what I came for....some food (just what I needed after realizing just how bad I looked...but oh well). I walked into the Fresh Market which was absolutely crazy and froze, literally froze in the spot I was in, finally forcing my feet to move I decided to start in the back of the store where it was a little less crazy. I think I made it down two isle before I thought I might just have a break down right there in the middle of the trail mix and dried fruit. I quickly left my cart and walked out of the store and into my car. "What is wrong with me?" Is what I thought over and over to myself, this is normally not like me. I am so overwhelmed in normal situations, but I believe it is because my life is so far from normal right now. These are the moments I wish I could escape- I wish I could escape my body, my mind, my emotions, and sometimes the journey. Knowing that I can't I just have to escape moments, which is my only way of dealing. Finally when I arrived home is when all my tension left and I was finally able to breath and relax. I am praying the Lord will take these anxious moments from me, but in the quietness of my heart he is telling me that these are a gift, that when HE is ready he will release me and let me be free in situations again. Right now my freedom is within the walls of my home and family, and I continue to remind myself that these days will pass but to not rush them, embrace them.
The hardest thing to embrace is the frumpy Mrs. Kermit the frog.....come on God can't you at least give me my ideal body during this time?!!?