I am beginning to hate/love nights, this is the time my mind seems most vivid in its thoughts. I analyze, re-live, plan, strategize, and it is difficult for my body to shut down. I have been thinking a lot about my grief, how I am handling it, what I should or should not be doing, and what people might think of me. I have been wondering if my over dramatic, over sensitive and extremely emotional personality is what is causing my grief to be as it is, or could it be that I am truly in a place in my life that is tragic, and horrific reacting just as I should react. Am I over dramatizing? Some might say...Am I reacting exactly as I should? Some might say..... What do I say? I don't know, I honestly don't know. I do know that I cannot fake, act, or pretend anything that I have felt so far. I am who I am, grieving the only way I know how to, honest and humble, a mother who is broken with empty arms and a confused heart. I am me, and honestly I don't know who me is anymore. Is this what grief does to every person? Strips them of everything they once thought they were and making them so unsure of everything they thought was secure? I don't know, I don't have the answers but I am searching. When I talk to God, (which is now what I do, I can't pray...but I can talk) I am finding that we are having many conversations about his children walking through the fiery furnace, sleeping in the lion’s den, and walking through grief, pain, tragedy, and hopelessness. Why God? "To help you see me more clearly Beth." This seems to be the only answer I get on a repeated daily basis. In the midst of such a storm is when you really see Christ more clearly- but here is the catch, if you let him reveal himself to you.
Oh Lord, how I want you to reveal yourself to me
I want to see you clearly, to know your voice so deeply
to reach out and grab your hand, allowing you to take this pain
Thank you God for meeting me each day, right where I am at,
for not expecting me at any service, at any meeting, or on any date
Oh Lord when will the pain just ease a little, just a little?
I love you!