Thoughts

I can’t sleep but know I need to sleep; I can’t rest but know I need to rest.
I laugh but feel guilty for laughing.
I have a good day and feel bad about having a good day.
I heal a little and think I am not ready to heal; I don’t heal any and wish so badly I could heal…even just a little.
When I don’t want to cry, I cry and the tears just keep coming, when I want to cry, I can’t force a tear even with my most horrible thoughts and best effort.
A darkness wanting to be released is waiting at my door step every day; some days I open the door and allow it in with open arms, embracing it and loving it and wanting to stay in it forever, other days I am able to lock it out and run in the other direction, never looking back but always aware of its ever growing and silent presence.
I know God is speaking and I know Satan is yelling.
I am fully aware of what is truth and what is a lie, the lie is always easier to accept and befriend.
I am unsatisfied with who I am, yet constantly trying to embrace who God has created.
I am a mix of emotions, feeling as though I can’t see clearly, yet sometimes I feel as though I am seeing things for the first time, more clearly.
I hear God in my darkest days, but in my best days he is silent. Some days I feel more free then I have ever felt, yet other days more trapped and alone then I have ever felt.
Some days I want a friend, other days I want no one.

I know I will make it through this battle, but sometimes I am tired of fighting.
I know the pain will heal, I know the reality will never change.