Wednesday, July 9, 2008

My Journey...Right or Wrong

I am in no way trying to offend anyone by writing this. This is my heart and hopefully will speak to you, or maybe to someone walking a similar journey of grief, pain, and loss. I have taken a couple of days to write this and was hesitant to post it, but had to be reminded that this blog is a way for me to allow myself an outlet of connection and a way to share the different and difficult experiences on this journey. This was not directed at one person, it was directed at expectations I feel that may or may not even be there.

I am so frustrated, I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that people refuse to hear my heart. I understand that people love me, I understand they want the best for me, however I don't understand their expectations. I cannot fulfill your expectations, when you place them on me I fail and it adds to my grief. I am dealing the best way I know how. I am grieving the best way I know how, it may not be the way you would grieve, it may not be the way someone you know grieved but this is my story and my journey, how can you judge how I am doing? I have lost two babies, I have waited to get pregnant, I have watched everyone around me experience the joy that I have only experienced at moments and then had it ripped away. I did not just miscarry this baby, do you know how it feels to be told there never was a baby?that your hormones are as high a full term pregnant women? what you thought was a heart beat, toes, arms, and fingers was nothing, can you grasp how this feels when you have waited for your turn, do you know? Do you know what it feels like to be told that you could almost die? that your baby never made it out of the fallopian tube and that it is a strong and growing baby? that in that moment i knew i was choosing my life over my babies life, can you understand the aching heart i must have over this? do you understand how hard both the times have been for me? I am not just grieving Judah, the hopes and dreams of Judah, the future, the plans, the experience, I am also grieving Eddie, I am grieving moments, I am grieving not being able to try and the uncertainty of getting pregnant.I don't expect you to understand my journey so please Stop expecting me to be something I am not. To be somewhere, to do something, stop telling me how I should feel, what is easy and what is the hardest,what I should do, how I should grieve. Stop wanting me to come where you are at, maybe meet me in the trenches, meet me in the hole that I am in and don't expect me to come out of it anytime soon for your convenience. I know it is hard to watch someone grieve, I know it is hard to understand what they are going through, I am trying my hardest to give you an insight into my journey,to help you know what I am going through, to tell you how I am doing, but it is whether or not you will lay down your expectations, to see with CHRIST eyes just what I am going through. I am dealing...I am healing, I am praying and I am loving my Lord. I am getting out, I am hiking with Kevin, I am living, it may not be public but it does not need to be public, it does not need to be for anyone else, it is for God. I don't need to go anywhere or do anything to "speed' the healing up...i don't want to speed the healing up, I don't want you to take it away or make it easier for me, I want to embrace it, hold onto it and allow it to change me. I may not have my baby, I may not ever have my baby on this earth, but I do have the freedom to grieve the best way I can. These are my babies, my loss, my grief, let me be,let me heal. pray for me love me and meet me where I am at. Stop expecting me to meet you where you are at, to come where you want me to come, to be around people you want me to be around, to heal when you want me to heal. Embrace me right where I am at, because I can promise you God is here everyday, in the trenches, picking up my broken heart, and sorting through my mess that he thinks is perfect and beautiful. I can't fulfill your expectations, i can't be who you want me to be, i can't heal the way you healed or the way you think I should heal. I can live everyday in a relationship with Christ, allowing HIM to heal me, to embrace me, to love me, in HIS timing, in HIS journey and HIS story for me. I am exactly where HE wants me to be.