Thursday, July 17, 2008

Late Night Words

My mind is going in a hundred directions right now, I can’t seem to even follow a single thought, and I am hoping that writing will be the reign that pulls it in. It is 10:50pm, Kevin is asleep to the left of me and I am once again wide awake in an endless sea of my own thoughts. I have actually had two good nights in a row; I was even able to fall asleep without the aid of my usual; two Tylenol Pm and two glasses of wine (Don’t worry you can pray for me later and sign me up for AA…). I consider it a success when I am able to fall asleep under two hours and stay asleep at least three hours at a time without waking up, and for two nights I have been able to do just that. We will see how tonight goes. It is entertaining to me that my writing comes easiest in the late hours of the night. I try writing when I first wake up with my coffee in my hand and the birds singing…., I figure this seems more like a “real” writer to me, not that I am even close to a “real” writer but I like to pretend. For right now though at night is the only way I can keep my mind in check and on some kind of logical path or maybe not logical at all, but at least occupied. It also is so helpful in passing the time as I wait to get sleepy, which always seems to take forever. Most of my postings thus far have taken place late at night, and then I save them re-read them a couple of times and finally get the courage to post them. I know I am not really a writer, praise God for Microsoft Word (if only you could see all the green and red squiggly lines…)! And even after all my editing and re-reading there are still so many mistakes and so many times I am sure you have sat there and said “wow, that word really should not have been used in that sentence…” Even so, I am so thankful to the Lord that he has given me the strength to write, and even more strength to allow you to come along with me on this journey. You have to understand the vulnerability I must feel by opening up my life, grief, and pain and allowing you to see it in its most exposed and defenseless state. I try my hardest to not sugar coat anything, or to make it seem something that it is not, you are truly getting the best picture of this journey as I can give you, and it is not always easy. Grief is really something that is so private and personal, when you allow someone in, you are allowing their thoughts and judgments in as well, kind of comes with the territory. I am sure there have been many thoughts you have had that you would never voice to me and that is okay, keep it that way! And maybe now more then before ever reading anything I have ever written, you feel more at lost at what you could say to me in fear you might say the wrong thing, and that’s okay. Honestly I am not sure what the “right thing” would be. If I knew I would tell you, and tell you to say it a hundred times. I unfortunately don’t think it really exists, because what thing could you possibly say that could really ever make the situation any better? Not to be critical or bitter in any way, but honestly there are no words, really….there is truly no words to ever say that will ever really heal. If you ask people going through grief I’ll bet some of the best words, were the words unspoken. Sometimes the gestures are the greatest words, and the kindest and most rewarding pieces of healing. The people with the “right” words, are usually the people I continue to push further away, not that I mean to, but more out of a protective heart, guarding myself as best as I can. I know they are trying, I know they want so badly to help ease the pain a bit, but can anyone really ease the pain? God.... He really is the only one I know who can say the right thing, and sometimes it is hard to hear, but I appreciate hearing it from him, much more then hearing it from other people. Don’t worry, I know I am not around, I know you are not seeing me as much, BUT I am still listening to God, more now then I think I ever have.