Monday, July 21, 2008

Walking the Path

Right now I must wake up every morning and take birth control. How interesting that for right now God has really said wait in more ways than we could imagine. We have no control over the situation, I can’t change the reality that has been handed to me, and it is a path I would never have chosen. I may not be able to change the path or the outcome, but I can decide how I am going to travel it. Some days I do good on the path, I take my birth control and move on, trying not to think about what it is doing to my body but often times feeling its affect. I run through the list of things God has done for me, I cry at the thought of not being able to try, but I keep moving, continuing down the dreaded path, but with a heart uplifted not down casted. However there are those days, like today, where I don’t do so good; I put off taking it, delaying the action, and avoiding the thought. Then when I finally breakdown in taking it- not because I want to, but because of utter fear of what might happen if I were to get pregnant, and as I swallow the dreaded pill my heart sinks at the reality that is once again handed to me, and I breakdown right in the middle of the path. Either way you look at it, I am still walking on the path. People have said to me “I don’t know how you are doing it,” and how I appreciate those words, I really do, though I am beginning to realize that I have to “do it.” There is no escape route, no easy path, no easy way around it; I am faced with the reality that I have to “do it.” Just by taking breaths, is doing it, because it is choosing to live through it. I would be such a liar if I did not say that I have often times thought that dying would be such an easier way, then I would be with my babies, I would not have to think about whether or not we can or cannot get pregnant, whether or not my levels will rise and I will be faced with cancer, whether this will happen again, and the pain and grief over loosing another hope and dream and best of all I would be with Christ, wow what a great solution…it seems. I realize and know that this is not an easy way out, but it is something I am faced with everyday. As I wake up, place my feet on the floor and take yet another breath, I am choosing to continue down this path, easy or not I am walking it. I am so thankful for Kevin, who God has given to me to walk with me, side by side, hand in hand, and often times, in the arms of. I am so thankful that Christ walks it with us, each agonizing step, and battle he is there, healing, loving, and crying with us. I am walking this, well or not, I am walking it- and that is more of an accomplishment than I can tell you.