Friday, July 29, 2011

Two Worlds

The losses I experienced have forever marked and changed my life. I will never be the same girl I was before I ever tried to get pregnant. I am thankful for the change and embrace it with open arms, even to this day. I have said it before, once you walk the journey of loss or infertility it robs you of your innocence, I don't reject this I have really learn to embrace it.

I think one of the greatest reasons I had to take a break from blogging after the boys came was because I did not know how to collide the two worlds. This is something I still deal with. I know that my joy is someones sorrow. When we found out we were adopting so many were excited, yet even that I remember caused one of my closest and dearest friend pain. She had also walked the path of adoption only to leave it with empty arms of a failed adoption. Then on top of it all I found out I was pregnant, while she too experienced a pregnancy only to lose it. It has forever changed our friendship and I completely understand why, again my joy being her sorrow.

I have am so cautious about my pregnancy, about pregnancy announcements, about baby talk, about my symptoms or any and everything in between. I don't update Facebook with my latest pregnancy fact I have yet to announce to the facebook world about this pregnancy. Why? Because my innocence in pregnancy is gone, I know the pain a facebook status can cause, I know the announcement will bring tears to someones eyes, I know the wants and desires that are out there so why would I knowingly put pain into someones life or path. I don't reject this, I embrace it. I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity to understand a taste of the world of loss and infertility, because I now can pray for these girls, can encourage or stay away the best that I can.

The reality of it is though, I cannot protect them from the pain. For instance, their are several women pregnant in our church right now...but there are just as many women dealing with a recent loss, daily reality of infertility, or silently dealing with the want and desires of a child. I am aware of several of these women, I stand on the side of joy, knowing their what can I do? I long to protect them from the constant talk of pregnancies, to shelter them from the constant Facebook announcements, and ultimatly give them their greatest joy, but all I can really do is give them a simple knowing smile, or a tighter hug and of course my prayers.

I stand on the other side, but my losses never go away. I stand on the other side, but my innoncence is gone. I stand on the other side, begging God to allow each of those girls to join me on the side of joy.

But until then, I stand on the other side offering every bit of encouragement, hope and support I can give. Because I remember the tears, pain and never really goes away.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Finding Contentment

It is easy to find contentment when everything in life is going the way you want it to, and really how often does that happen? And so we find contentment to be a fleeting moment, here one second and gone the next.

When I was going through our journey of trying to have a child, I found myself in the most discontent position ever. It seemed that the only thing in life that would make me happy was having a child, and if I was not going to have a child then I was going to live a very discontent life. Of course you feel this way, and honestly of course God knows we are going to feel this way, He did design us...However, I believe it is what we do with the discontent that either breaks the heart of God, or gives Him the most glory.

I remember finally coming to a place in the journey, when I was able to give it over to the Lord. I submitted it to His hands and placed the desire upon the alter. And it was a real moment, it was not a moment where I was thinking "If I do this then...well then God will give me what I want..." Nope. it was a true sacrifice, one that took a daily walk, climb and battle to the alter to lay it back down again and again and again.

I can remember having many conversations with Kevin about how if God did not give us a child then I knew in the depths of my heart that He had something greater for us...something that would bring us joy that surpassed all understanding. It did not mean the ache, or want was not there it just meant that I was going to stop living my life thinking that having a child was the only thing that would make me happy. It was in that moment that God was able to bring sweet Liesl into our lives, who in return gave us the greatest gift of Jaden, and the next day the surprise of Ty.

Now, it was not always this way- it took me a lot of tears and anger to come to this was not something that happen over night, it was something that took place over a lot of time. It is also amazing how you quickly drop back into a life of discontentment, which honestly is where I have been. I have been discontent with where God has us with Kevin's job. It is not an easy place to be when the future is so unknown, but honestly every tomorrow is unknown.

Our Pastor taught an incredible message last night at church as he finished up His series on the 10 commandments...I highly recommend you listening to it if you have the chance HERE (Laws for Life #6). Anyway he really encouraged us to be content in the now, being content in the now allows God to bring the greater blessings, ones you did not even know you needed or wanted.
1 Timothy 6:6 "But godliness with contentment is great gain."

Timothy even goes onto to say that we brought nothing into the world, and we can't anything out. God is faithful to provide for the today, so why are we so consumed with the tomorrow? And why is it that He provided for us yesterday yet we worry about today? God has proven Himself time and time again to me in ways I never imagined or could dream of, yet I am concerned about a job? No, today I lay it all down and live content in moment.

Friday, July 8, 2011

First of Many on Open Adoption

Lately my thoughts have been consumed with my sweet Jaden Boy! I know the reason, he will be turning 2 in 4 weeks and I am in awe of that reality. I can't believe it has been 2 years since we brought home this bundle of joy. I can't believe how far God has brought us and all we have learned about adoption, open adoption, and family the last 2 years. And I can't even imagine what the next several years will bring us and teach us.

As I look back over the last 2 years of Jadens life it is not at all what I ever expected. Jaden is beyond my hopes and dreams, he is more then I ever expected and blesses me to the core everyday. I did not expect to love him as much as I do, I know that sounds crazy but my love for him overwhelms me at times. Jaden's name means "Jehovah has heard" and Jadens existence in my life is a daily reminder that God really does hear the deepest cries of our hearts, the ones we don't even know about.

As I think over Jaden's adoption it too has left me speechless and it has been nothing like what I expected. For starters open adoption was so easy to talk about when Jaden was an idea, a thought, a dream. I am thankful for this, I am thankful that God gave me a heart for Liesl from the moment I learned of her. I am thankful that God protected my heart from myself and I was able to freely walk into an open adoption with Liesl with little to no expectation of what I would really feel when Jaden would enter this world.

We had little to no counselling when it came to what to expect after Jaden would enter the world. The only counselling I received was as we entered the hospital, the adoption agency told me that this was Liesl's time, to let her set the pace, let her have Jaden as often as she needed...this would be the only time in her life that she would be the "mom" and she needed time to grieve and say goodbye. It was wise advice for our situation and I am thankful for it to this day. I am also thankful that once again God wrapped me up in a bubble that I was unaware of and I was able to freely love Liesl and Jaden in a way that was beyond myself, it was clearly God.

So at 3:38am on August 14, 2009 Our (Liesl, Kevin, and my) son entered the world. It still makes me so emotional. I remember them placing Jaden on Liesl and at that point I saw Liesl become a mom, she loved him and you could tell she was even overwhelmed by the love for this little boy. I remember falling into our nurses arms (whose name was Beth and she was truly an angel sent from God) and whispering to her "Pray, please pray for her..." I knew at that moment that this was going to be a journey far beyond my expectations, and it has been.

The days following Jaden's birth I saw Liesl take the step at her own time, I remember the day it happened too and it was not in the hospital, although those moments were there, it was the 3rd day...the day we said goodbye to her. We had taken her to a park, we took pictures, we cried, hugged and then she took Jaden down the hill and stood there with him saying her goodbye. When she returned she look at me and placed him into my arms...there was a moment between us, as she let go of her role and gave it to me. How can I describe in words that moment? I can't because it is not for everyone...

This only the start of my starting to journal my thoughts about open adoption. I hope I can portray and honest and open description of what it has been like. The ups and downs and all the in between. Open adoption is beautiful and a gift from God, but it is not always an easy journey...I also know that our situation is a rare case, and I know that our story will look so different from yours or someone else I am thankful though that God has laid it on my heart to share our story about Liesl and Jaden, because it is a true testimony of our God!