It is well with my soul. not easy words to really embrace in my heart. Is it really well in in my soul? really? I want to so desperately fall into the words and let them change my heart, my life, my being. But.
I can utter those words. I can type them out. I can whisper them. I can shout them. And I CAN speak them over others. But can I believe them. Can I say that I honestly deeply believe, that it is well with my soul?
I can. When my eyes are on you Jesus. When my eyes are really on you. When my head does not turn, mind does not wonder, my eyes don't go looking. I can let go, I can believe, I can fall into those words so easily. And it so right. So so right. Until my eyes catch glimpse of the sorrow that lays before me. the brokenness that sweeps over the reality of our lives. Then. Then is it well?
It is it well that you take my best friend, my brother at such a young age? it it well with my soul, when I pleaded for years...years....years for his healing. believing embracing and wanting with every part of who I am for him to walk, to stand to LIVE. Is it well? It is not well.......it is not well with my flesh. it hurts, it still hurts. it will never stop hurting. is that well?
Is it well when I walk through the overwhelming grief of my dearests closest friend loosing her baby? is it well, when we lay on the floor in tears of unbelief and confusion? is it well then? No. it is not well with my flesh. My heart aches, I scream, I cry out and I do not and will not understand it.
It is well when my dearest and closest friend faces yet another scary and unimaginable situation of facing cancer with her husband? No. no it is not well.
Is it well? shootings, death, rapes, cancer, loss, sickness....grief...fear...is it well?
It is not well in my flesh, and is not even well in my spirit...until. I stop. and I focus. and I catch the eyes of JESUS. His name, utter His name. Then. and only then is it well. As I crawl, broken, weary, beat up and torn down to feet of Jesus. When He looks down and lifts my heavy head to see his eye's. Then and only then can my soul say it is well with my soul.. Oh Jesus, then I can say IT IS WELL. Jesus, you make it well. Not because you take it away, or provide answers, but because of who you are, the very essence of who you are, you Jesus you are the Well.
Bless it be the name of my JESUS. I can then throw off the burdens, the suffering, the fear, I throw it off and raise my hands, I can lift my head and stand to my feet and I can scream it is WELL because of JESUS that it is. It is because HE IS.
I weep. I weep. Oh Jesus you are the well of my soul.