Friday, July 2, 2010

Stepping Away

Honesty- I can't write on this blog right now. It hit me today that I need to come clean about this blog. It has come to a halt with a few updates because I feel guilty so I write something. There a few reasons why I can't update this blog right now. I am not closing it, I am just making an announcement that I am not going to be posting on it for a while. The reasons very and I feel as though I need to be honest about this as well.

1)Privacy: not for me personally but for my boys, for Liesl, for our situation. I do not feel comfortable adding to much to this blog as public as it is, I don't know who follows it...when it was just my journey I was okay with sharing my heart, taking the criticisms that it brought but now...when it affects so many it is just not worth it to hear everyone's opinion regarding our personal situation and journey.

2)Time: I hate using the “I don't have time” but I really don't for this blog. God is leading me in new directions with a new journey. He is allowing me to be a part of a ministry with 6 other girls, a ministry of health and our temples, bringing glory to God through our spiritual body and physical body. It is SO exciting and I spend much of my “free” time when I have it investing into the growth of this ministry!

3)And lastly and most importantly I don't have freedom in my heart from God to post about my daily life, ups and downs and milestones of my boys when so many women who read this are longing for their day to enter into motherhood. I tried to find that freedom, to force it but I realize now that I just can't and I am done forcing it. I long for the day for each of you, and my blog was for a season of grief. I really believe that is why I am not closing it. For those who might need encouragement from my journey it will be here, but I will not be salt in the wound as they read about my journey of motherhood, it just does not seem right for me personally. I long for the day when God opens the door for me to share more about my journey of adoption and our relationship with Sweet Girl Liesl, but until that day I must stay silent.

This is my last post for a while, I really never thought this day would come, and to be honest it is bitter sweet, more sweet then bitter though. I crossed into motherhood and when you do that, even though you don't forget your grief, pain or loss your voice into the land of infertility quiets a bit, at least for me it did. I am here checking on your blogs, being present in prayer and support but my blog will remain quiet!

I post this because to just never write would leave you guy wondering where I was. I am here, just in a new place in life and wanting to embrace all the new things God is bringing to my door. Please know I will update the website of the boys and pictures, if you would like that information please email or comment and I will send you the link and password.

Thank you for praying me to this point, supporting me on my dark days and loving me through it all!

Saturday, June 19, 2010


I don't have a slide show, I don't have anything up my sleeve, I don't have any surprises...but I do have my words... my blog is the closest thing I have to the world knowing just how blessed we are today to celebrate you as a dad!

I don't have to relive with you the journey it took to get here, I don't have to remind you of the tears or express to you the heart ache, because all we have to do is look in each others eyes and we know. We know the birthdays of all 4 of our boys, and the days may pass with very few words spoken about it, but it is okay because we don't have to speak it to know it.

What I do want to express I don't even think all the words in the world would truly help me to describe the type of father and husband you are... but I am willing to try...

Kevin I love....
the way you love God and seek Him with your whole heart
the way you love me
the way you love the boys
the way you play with Jaden, building a tower and asking me to “look and see what Jaden built”
the way you talk to Ty “Hey dude whats up?”
the way you show Christ not only to us but your whole family and friends
the way you sing to the boys every single night “Lord your beautiful....”
the way you pray with the boys every single night “May they come to hear your voice at a young age..”
the way you care for all of us
the way you provide for us especially for me so I can stay home...thank you Kevin
the way you read to Jaden and Ty
the way you invest your time family always comes first
the way you keep me in track with the boys schedule
the way you make me a good mom
the way you try to be perfect in all that you do
the way you have grown in being a Daddy....

Kevin, you truly are one of God's greatest gifts, I would not have Jaden or Tyler if it was not for you. We are blessed beyond words to call you husband and Dadadadadaddaaaaaaaaa....

I look forward to all that lies ahead, with the boys and our future. I don't know what God has in store for us but I know that as long as I get to live it and walk it with you I am ready for it.

Today is a day for us to say thank you, we became a father with Eddie and Judah, but you became a daddy with Jaden and Ty!

We love you!!!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Really a POST!!!???!!??!?!?!

When I think about updating the blog I am a bit overwhelmed, I have so much I could write about and I don't know where to start. I hate that I am only updating it once a month, I keep hoping I get better but days turn into months and before I know it has been forever since I have updated. So here is a quick overview of our life!!!

Jaden is crawling- seems like it happen overnight and now he is into everything! His first crawl was to me and that warmed my heart beyond words!

Ty is HUGE and when I say huge I mean it, he is bigger then Jaden! He has the cutest little talk and sounds like he is growling!

We have taken 2 trips, one to visit my friend Jamie in PA, we pack up the boys and drove through the night, they did better then either of us could have imagined. It was a blessed and refreshing time! The second was to the beach which is where we are now, it has been amazing and refreshing!!

Jaden said “MOM” this week at the beach, he looks at me and says “Mommmmm” never thought I would love it like I do!

Been challenged to pray for my husband everyday through the month of June, it has been awesome and amazing to see God working in our lives. Having children has changed our marriage but only in ways that are deeper and stronger, thankful for some of the challenges He has placed before us.

Kevin's job is great, we feel beyond blessed everyday. Kevin loves it and we have defiantly made NC our home, not looking to move anytime soon and that is beyond awesome!!

We separated the boys so they each have rooms now, we finally finished our downstairs room and now it is a guest bedroom/office, Kevin did it all and it looks amazing! I will try to post pictures but give me a couple of months LOL!

I love being a mom, I love this life and I am beyond blessed. I am trying to make each day count because already the boys are so big and huge! I am planning Jaden's birthday which is in just a short two months...sigh...

I have lost all my baby weight and then some, I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed me in this area. God has blessed me with a group of amazing women who are encouraging me on this path. We are already praying that this would become a ministry and it excites me beyond words! A ministry surrounded by health- amazing!

God is teaching me so much about ministry and my heart- I am beyond thankful for the truths he is revealing to me about my heart and my heart for ministry, I am acting when he directs me and relying on Him in the direction- I do not work for man or for mans approval and this has been transforming. This is the longest time in my life that I have not worked for a church staff and I am thankful for this time and am in not in any hurry to change it!

For now I believe that is all. Thank you for checking in and still following our journey. I still pray a lot about the direction of the blog never knowing which way God will lead so for now I update when I can! My hope and prayer is that I can start really sharing about adoption since this is such a huge part of our life. For now Liesl will not be able to make it for Jaden's birthday. We are all sad but are looking forward to when she can visit and we are hoping and praying it will be sooner then later! I know I am not good at follow up but I do read every email- and please know I will try to get back to you as soon as I can!

Sunday, May 9, 2010


This is what I came down to this morning (this and a new laptop so I can blog more hopefully!)!

I know today is painful for many who stop by my blog, so please know I understand if you are unable to view this...

I wanted to share with you though where God has brought me. There were two distinct moments in my life that I truly believe shaped me into who I am. One was a relationship that I was in and ended very badly, I remember right before it I knew it was not in a Godly place, I fell before the Father with my arms stretched out, "if this is not what YOU want I don't want it, as painful as it is I know you will bring a greater joy!!" This was said through tears and heart ache, not long after that moment God brought my Kevin into my life and my world has never been the same. I can't express to you the love I have for my husband, it is greater and deeper then anything I could ever imagine...

The second was after my second loss and third year of waiting, I fell before the Lord once again only this time I was so fearful of the prayer I was going to pray...."I know Lord if I let it Go, if I offer it to you and you say no I am going to believe that once again you have a greater joy...." I lived my next year in a state of complete surrender, that if it was not meant to be there was something greater God had for me...not long after that moment God brought Jaden, and the NEXT day I found out about Tyler!

I don't write this as the answer, but I do write this as an encouragement! God will always come with a greater joy, and the sun always shines brighter after a storm!

Saturday, May 1, 2010


As always I have wanted to update for some time now but as you all know, having two babies…well enough said!

Over the last few months there have been so many times when I am up with Ty and I write a blog in my head, lately (although Ty has slept through the night 5 nights in a row, I will take every one I can get!!!) it has been the same topic of adoption/pregnancy.

When I am out with the boys I constantly get the same responses…
Stranger “oh look twins?”
Me “kind of, they are 18 weeks apart…”
Stranger (if they are smart…some just think this is possible I guess) “oh…wow…how???”
Me “we adopted and got pregnant…”
Stranger (and I PROMISE YOU IT NEVER FAILS) “oh isn’t that how it happens, I have heard of that happening so many times…”

I use to argue it a bit by responding that is DOES NOT always happens that way, but lately I am tired of trying to explain that it is a miracle, and just nod my head… So here are my thoughts on this topic.

Fact: Kevin and I did not set out to adopt to get pregnant.
Fact: Kevin and I did not choose adoption as our second choice.
Fact: Kevin and I stopped trying (started using protection!) when we found out of the possibility of Jaden

I say these things because adopting does not always land you pregnant, it is not a reason to adopt and it is not the reason Kevin and I adopted. God had ordained Jaden as ours, he chose to place Jaden in Liesl, Jaden was never a mistake, Jaden’s life was ordained by God!

Ty was conceived by a miracle, we were not trying, I had tried for 11 months and had not gotten pregnant, I ovulated on my left side, the side without a tube. Ty’s life was ordained, Ty is a miracle and it was all Gods timing, not ours, Ty was not conceived because Kevin and I chose to adopt!

There are MANY couples who adopt and still never conceive, it is exhausting to them to constantly hear, “well if you adopt you will get pregnant”, that is a false and an untrue statement, and sometimes a very painful statement, as if the adoption was in some way or form a last resort for becoming parents, which is NOT the case!
I truly believe that God chose for us to have the boys so close together because He was showing us His power, His timing, and His divine plan. He was removing all human influences so you had to step back and realize it was only by the Hand of GOD!!!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Growing so BIG

It is 10:30pm, I usually do Ty's dream feed around now but have decided to push it to 11 since he did not eat as well earlier, I am hoping he will be more hungry. We are still trying to figure this little man out. He is so cute, smiles all the time, cues, giggles, screams, and is so so close to rolling over onto his belly! He does not like to be alone, likes to be moved around a lot and loves for you to talk to him! Even when he cries he will light up if you just start talking to him! He is still NOT sleeping through the night, I have given it up, tried everything and decided this is just extra time God is giving me to be with him, so I am okay with it!

Jaden is the light of a room. He will steal your heart with his big blue eyes. He is hard to get to smile at first but then he is all smiles and giggles and is pure entertainment! He constantly amazes me and when I think he can’t win my heart any more, he does! He is my content baby, goes with the flow hardly cries or fusses and is laid back! He is also my entertainment for Ty, who is fascinated by him!

As I am learning and growing as a parent I realize how hard it is not to compare, especially because my boys are so close together and oh so different! I hate comparing, but I find I have done it quite a bit and have had to go to the Lord for forgiveness. I truly love them both but I can see where parents can struggle with favoritism if you are not constantly aware and cautious of it. I am trying to be as transparent as I can be with my feelings and emotions, knowing that through all of this God is still teaching me as His child, guiding me and showing me where and when to turn with these boys!

I love them both, I don’t love one more than the other, and although adoption is a word in our family it does not change the emotions or love I have toward my boys. We often say “Ty looks like….or does….like…..” But I have found that we do the same thing with Jaden, comparing him to the likes of Kevin and me. I think what we have found that is difficult is that Jaden is such an easy going kid, so Ty is a little bit more opinionated, so it is easy to always say…. “Jaden is such a good baby….Jaden is so amazing….Jaden is…..” I just don’t’ want Jaden to grow up hearing how much Ty is just like us, and I don’t want Ty growing up hearing how good Jaden is…and this is where parenting is hard!

All I know is that God has given me an abundance of love for these boys. Each one is a gift from God, chosen specifically for Kevin and me. I know that as a human in a sinful world I will make a mistake when raising my boys. I hate thinking about it, but that is reality. So I humbly go before the Lord, seeking his direction on how to love these boys for who THEY are, I know that each one will require different love at different times, but regardless I never ever want either of them to feel that the other receives more love. I hope that through their lives I can convey just how much each of them is loved for who they are!

It is always a lesson, and I have only been on this parenting journey for 8 months. I can’t imagine when I look back, 8 years, 18 years, 28 years and so on….all the lessons I will have learned and all the love I will still have. I rest in know that God’s love is so much greater then my love, and where I fail He never fails, where I lack, HE never lacks, where I struggle, HE never struggles!!! What a comfort to know I have Him their guiding me each step of the way!

An update at a glance…
Ty is almost the same size of Jaden wearing six/nine month clothes!!
Ty is almost rolling over
Ty will start solids at the end of this month, earlier then Jaden but because he is ALWAYS hungry!
Jaden is not crawling but can just about get anywhere he wants
Jaden has two teeth coming in!!!
Jaden loves his walker and can get anywhere he wants in the house!
Liesl will be joining us for Jaden’s first birthday, what a reunion that will be for all of us, marking a wonderful year for all!

And my blogging gals,
I am sorry I don’t comment nearly as much as I should, I follow your blogs, your transplants, pregnancies, adoptions, losses, IVF cycle, and waiting! I pray, cry out to God and am constantly thinking of you! Lots of love to each you!!!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Ahh The Sleepless Nights!

This morning Jaden and I are hanging out a bit, Kevin is an amazing husband and gave me the night off to sleep last night, so this morning Jaden and I (ok mostly I) laid down Tyler and then Kev went off to rest for at least a hour!'

So here is our dilemma and I am open for advice just so you know!! Jaden was my text book baby; he followed and still follows things exactly how the book says he should. What book? Well a couple of books combined but mostly Baby Wise. We are a scheduled family. After we found out that we would be having TWO babies and NOT twins I knew I needed a plan. So when Jaden was born I started on routine a cycle of sleep, eat, wake! It worked like a charm, by eight weeks Jaden was sleeping through the night, taking great naps and a happy content baby. Now I knew I had an exceptionally good baby but I was confident that this would work for Ty and since Jaden was already in a great routine I was going to fit Ty into that routine!!!

Well that has worked for the most part…Ty is routine, he eats when we feed him, sleeps when we lay him down and is mostly a content and happy baby…except that Ty, was diagnosed with acid reflux, so we went on meds… then he started spitting up a ton so we put him on a different formula, then he was waking every two hours to feed so the Dr. told us to add rice to his formula, to no avail my little Ty is still NOT sleeping through the night, waking sometimes up to three times for a FULL feeding and it has left Kevin and I scratching our head in confusion.

Now this is not all about my dilemma, you know me I can make anything a spiritual lesson. One thing Kevin and I have decided was not to do cry it out, the other thing that we have done with Ty that we did not do with Jaden is sleep Ty on his belly…only for naps…but why??? Because yes my dear friends Ty has a nice little flat spot!!!!!! Oh my!!! So I am being very aggressive because I really do not want another helmet, so I rock Ty to sleep so that I can lay him on his belly…which I am fine with, on good days it only takes me ten to fifteen minutes, but there are those days where he fights sleep resulting into a hour or so to get him to sleep…time I really do not have.

The other night Ty was up, and I was rocking him back to sleep, this is usually when I get my best prayer in. As I was praying that Ty would sleep through the night it dawned on me that maybe this was Gods way of making me STOP and enjoy my baby. How many years it took to get to this point, and I already look at Jaden who is 7 ½ months old and know how quickly it is going. I don’t want to miss out on these days, and there will come a time when it will be the last time I rock Ty, one day he will be grown and rocking him will be something of the past and I will wish that I had enjoyed the sleepless nights just a little bit more. So although I still would like to see Ty make it longer than 3 hours through the night, I am not going to complain when I am rocking my baby, this is a gift and I can remember crying out to the Lord when I would hear people complain “I would take their sleepless fussy baby Lord…”

Just know, that when I hold my babies I pray for you girls who are crying out to God with desperate hearts, with a burning desire and a longing that is so deep. Know that when I hold my baby I pray that soon your arms will be filled and in the this time of waiting that God would give you the strength it takes to make it one more day, I remember and the pain never goes away.

This march is the first march in three years that I am not pregnant. It is hard to believe that for three years in a row I was pregnant, there is a level of grief that always joins spring, and even though there is joy as well because I knew about Jaden and Ty this time last year, it does not take away the ache I have for the two babies I lost that I desperately wanted, but I have said it before and I pray it encourages your heart, I had to have the two losses to have these two blessings, it was Gods way of taking something that looked dead and hopeless to bring LIFE and HOPE!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

In Awe of What God Can DO...

I am in awe of God can do….We have been having one of those years…when I think God could not bless us anymore then He already has He shows up once again and I am left awe-struck…

I have not written this and I should have months ago, but my time is so different these days. I belong to the most amazing church and I don’t say that lightly, in fact if you know me well you know that I really don’t like churches especially big ones… Ever since high school I have been involved with youth. It was my calling and I loved it, I loved working for and with the youth! For close to ten years I worked on a staff of a church…and I started to see how corrupt churches could really be, I began to see how churches were run like a business. Now not all my experiences were bad, but I will say that the end of the day I was sick of churches and sick of working on a staff, I was what we call in the Christian community “burnt out...”

When Kevin and I got married we churched hop for the first 4 years, now of course we were moving every year and that did not make it easy to find a church home, but every time we would go to a church I would walk away with the same sick feeling that we would never find a home and that all churches were run the same…. Until we moved to NC and God led us to Breakthrough. Now I will not put Breakthrough on a pedestal and call it perfect because we are all human and sinful, but I will say that Breakthrough Church is the first church I truly feel at home in. Both Kevin and I have changed, grown and been challenged under the leadership of this church.

Even my darkest days, when it seemed I hated people, (I never hated people I just did not like people who made stupid comments about loss and infertility…and all the IF sisters say “AMEN”…) Breakthrough stood by me, sometimes silent, sometimes loud….but never the less they prayed us through to the other side and when I finally surfaced out of my “blank” hole (Read blog…), they welcomed me with open arms and excitement!

The Pastors of the church are our pastors but I am also honored to call them our friends. The first time we ever met with them I left with tears in my eyes as Pastor Michelle had also dealt with infertility for close to six years. She understood the pain and knew my aching heart. They tried for 3 years had a beautiful son and continued to try…he is now six! We became close during the losses I experienced…even when I tried to push Michelle away when she was speaking truth into my life and I was not ready or wanting to hear…, they stood by us and prayed a miracle into our lives. So when we got to share we were adopting they put their own wants and desires aside to celebrate our miracle (still brings tears to my eyes…).

I will never forget driving to Michelle’s house to tell her not only was I adopting but I was pregnant. Here they were on a waiting list for adoption for almost a year and we were not even pursuing it and we get chosen to adopt a baby, and now I am telling her that I am also pregnant, when they have been trying for six years…my heart was breaking because I knew it would cause pain in hers… But once again she put aside her wants, her desires and celebrated with me on that night…

Kevin and I prayed for their Miracle, and I prayed hard wanting it so badly for them. When I was out in Colorado to pick up Jaden I got a phone call that they would be adopting form an amazing young women who asked if they would raise her baby. ..I remember feeling so overwhelmed and excited for them, and I continued to pray… "Lord give them a double blessing…”

Sure enough one Saturday night (six days before Ty was born) we went to dinner with them, I knew in my heart they had news to share with us and sure enough they did…they were PREGNANT! Their babies would be 4 months apart…is this a coincidence?? Not if you believe in a God who can perform miracles….I do ….

Yesterday their sweet little girl was born, and in a matter of months they will welcome their baby boy! I am in awe of what God can do…

I had to experience the death of my son Judah to experience the life of my son Jaden….I am in awe of what God can do…

I became pregnant against all odds and ovulate on the side without a fallopian tube…I am in awe of what God can do…

Yesterday we got approved for a grant that will pay the cost of Jaden’s Helmet…I am in awe of what God can do…

Tomorrow my brother in law will graduate from officers training…I am in awe of what God can do…

Today I sit here with TWO sleeping babies in MY home…I am in awe of what God can do…

I stand back in awe, I serve God not because of what He does for me but because of WHO He is, the fact that He chooses to bless us makes it that more amazing.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Wanted You All to KNOW

That as of Febuary 10th, 2010 Jaden's adoption was finilized!!!

We actually just found out two weeks ago when a sweet lady from the County Clerks Office called. She kept apologizing in regards to Jaden Tanner's adoption which made my heart drop in fear that something was wrong, but she was so upset that it had gotten overlooked and was finished for quite sometime. At this point I could have cared less, I was so excited to know that it was DONE!

I believe with all my heart that the moment Jaden was conceived it was done, he was ours and God had already finished, but from a flesh perspective it sure did feel good to hear that it was finalized!

I have so much more I want to update you on but I am exhausted and a nice glass of wine and a bath is calling my name. Please know how much I appreciate you all, your comments, prayers and encouragement amaze me daily!

I am praying for you girls who are:
And Healing....

Love to you all my girls!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

This is Wonderful

Remember to pause the music at the bottom of my blog!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

20 min...

I have 20 minutes before Ty will wake up to feed and Jaden will go down for a nap. I have wanted to give a quick update about sweet Jaden and our experience with his helmet.

Tuesday of this past week my mom and I drove down for Charlotte for what we knew would be a long and emotional day... They needed to see Jaden for an hour to put on his helmet and then monitor it, and then if all looked well they send us away for 3 hours to make sure he does not have any reactions to it. I did not realize how this was going to affect me emotionally.

Lisa is the therapist that we see- these are not doctors but people who are specifically trained in dealing with flat heads (there is a more technical name but I would not even know where to began in spelling it...) she is amazing and when she came in with the helmet she kept reminding me that it is harder on the parent…well it was. She placed in on Jaden’s head and he did not even blink- I however started crying (and so did my mom which made it even harder…).

I think the reality of it hit me, Jaden needed something to be “fixed” and I just hate it for him even though he does not even notice, I do. Of course the self blame followed as I started thinking that maybe there was something I could have been doing to prevent this from happening. And then of course the thoughts that this was unfair followed closely behind all the others.

I feel as though Jaden as been through so much already, that his adoption, the grief he might of experienced parting from Liesl, his future journey is enough…why something else? (A dear blogging friend posted a beautiful post about the grief she was experiencing with her adopted son, so much of what I have felt if you want to read her story here.). I just am overwhelmed with so much love for this little man that I hate that he even has to go through this, even at this young of an age.

Every time I see Jaden in his helmet I praise the Lord that that is all it is, a helmet, helping his little head. It is not a heart monitor, it is not because he is not developing correctly, it is not life threatening, it is a helmet…that is all.

I am also reminded that this is just part of the journey that God has all of us on. I am reading a book that my dad gave me for Christmas by Ravi Zacharias called The Grand Weaver. I have only just begun it but it has already touched on some sensitive spots in my heart. It is a reminder that God is the grand weaver, weaving a beautiful and personal garment just for us. Each thread, each stitch, each pull of our lives is His hand weaving a beautiful story for each of us.

Why would I fight this? I know that ultimately God has a beautiful picture to paint, not only for me but for Jaden, I as a parent do not want to stand in the way, even though I want to protect Jaden form everything I think is harmful, God may see it as a necessary “color” for his “grand picture” and I do not want to stand in the way or rob that “color” from Jaden’s picture!
So I am once again reminded to step back, to trust that what I see has a bump in road is actually the exact and perfect stitch, color, and thread that God needs in each of our lives to produce the exact picture He has for each of us as our Grand Weaver!

And just like that Ty is waking up for his 9:30am feeding!

Monday, February 15, 2010

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today we got a phone call....

A year ago today we learned of a young 17 year old girl pregnant....

A year ago today that young girl became my sweet girl...

A year ago today I fell in love with a little baby growing withing her...

A year ago today I was waiting, hoping, praying...

A year ago today I became a mother and did not know it....

A year ago today our lives changed....

Hard to believe how far our God has brought us in a year...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

A Quick Minute

I have only but a minute before Ty wakes up from his morning nap and Jaden is ready for his morning nap! I wanted to let you all know how we were doing and the decisions we have made regarding Sweet Jaden's head.

After lots of sleepless nights for Kevin and not due to Ty waking up, Kevin and I made the decision that Charlotte was the best choice for our family. After Jaden's last appointment we wanted to make sure that there was not another way we could go about fixing Jaden's head. There are many different types of helmets and prices. However, Kevin did his homework and it was obvious that even though it was more expensive Charlotte was the best option. Once we made the decision we began praying for the financial help!

God is so faithful- a constant in my journey; I am not sure why I struggle with trust when God has proven himself faithful in every situation, even our darkest ones! Anyway Kevin started filing our taxes and with the money we are getting back we will be able to pay for Jaden's helmet! What a blessing that we don't have to borrow more money from family, God is good!

We are praying that Jaden will only need one helmet and that it will be a short process (two to four months...). I can't thank you enough for all the prayers and support. We are at peace with decision, I am just not looking forward to the trips to Charlotte once a week but you know maybe I will get the chance to see my amazing family that lives down there!!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Bump in The Journey

Monday was big day for Jaden. Sweet Jaden loves to lay his head on the left side- he has done this since he was born. I never really thought anything of it until I noticed the left side of his head was starting to flatten. We mentioned it to the pediatrician who at the time did not think it was anything to be concerned about. However the last couple of months we have noticed it more, and we started noticing that he never really looked the other way. So we mentioned it again and this time he sent us to a physical therapist to see if there was an issue with his neck...and there is! He was most likely positioned a certain way in the womb that caused the right side of his neck to tighten up making it hard to turn that direction, and now that his head is flat on the left side, it has become his favorite way to look.

So they sent us to Charlotte to Cranial Technology, a place that specialized in helping restructure the head. I was praying that Jaden head would be mild, but after a series of pictures and an exam he is considered "severe" meaning his flattened spot is now affecting the alignment of his face. You would not (or maybe you would...) notice to look at him straight on, but from certain angles you can really see there is a problem.

God has blessed us with two beautiful boys, and they are my miracles and my gifts. I am thankful for each of them and as a mother my heart broke yesterday as I realized my "perfect" gift needed a little helmet to help his little (in my eyes perfect) head. You can visit to see what Jaden will have to wear for a few (maybe more) months. After meeting with the therapist and driving two hours back home I think the reality started to hit us. This is really not a big deal and could be something so much worse but I hate that sweet little Jaden even has to go through all of this. He will now have weekly appointments with the physical therapist and weekly appointments for his helmet, which is located conveniently in Charlotte...a 2 hr. drive each week for a 5 month old.

I don't ever want to complain, but even with our amazing insurance we are looking at paying $1900 dollars, and that is for just one helmet, they think because Jaden is considered severe he will need another one and that one will be $2500, this is all after our wonderful and amazing adoption but that left us $18,000 in debt. I don't post these numbers to make you feel bad for us, but I have always been so honest on this blog and I am not about to stop. I know God will provide but I tend to look at our bank account and wonder just where the money going to come from....but I know God is a provider, He WILL provide!

You know after walking the journey of infertility I think there is a part of you that thinks wants you achieve the goal of parenthood that things should be a little easier because of the difficulty in getting there. This is such wrong thinking and I KNOW that, it is a constant battle against the flesh. I don't deserve a breath, I don't deserve life, but the Lord grants everyday to me- and after all He has done why would I start doubting His provision now? I have to believe that because things are tough right now that we are doing exactly what God has called us to do because satan is hating us and throwing anything he can our way. But we WILL prevail, not because of anything I am doing but because of everything HE is doing!

I have posted this saying from our Pastor many times in the past, especially when I was going through such dark days, I post it again because it is what I am holding onto...
"Where praise is the presence of the Lord is, and where the presence of the Lord is satan CANNOT DWELL...” So in the midst of yet another storm, we will praise, because we already know God has it all taken care of and also because (another great quote from my Pastor)”God will not attend your pity party, not even if you give him a hat!"

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Jaden and Ty

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Realizing Reality

As I sit here Jaden is watching Baby Praise and Ty is swinging in his swing, Kevin is watching football and I am catching my breath before the next feeding/nap time. Reality that I have two babies hits me everyday- it is more then I could have ever dreamed or imagined and I am content and in love with both my boys but I am also extremely overwhelmed...I have two babies.

For so long they were a dream- something I never could tangibly feel or truly believe. Then they slowly became reality- first with sweet Jaden's adoption and then Ty's birth. And now I am living it, my life has changed and will never agian be the same, and I am trying to learn this new part of my life and I am finding that I am not going to be able to do it alone.

The expectations I had before they were here have drastically changed. I was hoping to breast feed Tyler, however today is day 10 and my milk has yet to show up. I have been open handed about it from the beginning but I did not realize just how much I would care. After many nights of a crying baby and a crying momma I let it go and submitted to the bottle. Although it will be more expensive the stress of breast feeding was not worth it for my family. We need as much peace as we can get and I have to believe that God was in the midst of these decisions.

Tyler is an amazing baby- but so very different then Jaden- which he should be. I think because Jaden is all I have known for the last four months I expected Tyler to be like Jaden, he is nothing like Jaden and so I have to learn Ty, his cries, his grunts, his own unique ways!

I had the expectation that I would jump into this parenting two babies with both feet, I would dive in and have no trouble at all...however I am realizing that I am wading, sticking in my toes and then pulling them out quickly- realizing it is going to take me sometime and so I am going to need more help then I realized. I am so blessed to have an amazing family, my mom dedicating so much of her time to me and the rest of my family stepping in so that she can be available to help me. I could just cry because I am not sure what I would do without thank you...!

I know that God designed Kevin and I for this journey, I know that God chose these little ones just for us and I know that we will do everything we can to raise these boys to be Godly men but I also am realizing that we will not be doing this on our own. It really will take a village to help and I am learning to open handed with my boys even this early!

I give all praise to my God, to my King for how far He has brought us, with the miracles He has brought into our lives, I am nothing without Him and I am open to how He will write our story! It is a new story and journey and I am excited about all the twist and turns that I know lie ahead. My life is a simple life magnified only by the King!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Tyler James

Sorry this is so late- however this just shows you how my life is now!!! Wanted you all to know that Tyler arrived Thursday healthy and perftect! Weighing in at a wonderful 10lbs 2oz and 20 inches long! He is amazing and I am doing well and loving my full home!

Thanks for all the prayers and support! If you want more pictures please comment or email me and I will make sure you get the address!!!