Sunday, February 21, 2010

20 min...

I have 20 minutes before Ty will wake up to feed and Jaden will go down for a nap. I have wanted to give a quick update about sweet Jaden and our experience with his helmet.

Tuesday of this past week my mom and I drove down for Charlotte for what we knew would be a long and emotional day... They needed to see Jaden for an hour to put on his helmet and then monitor it, and then if all looked well they send us away for 3 hours to make sure he does not have any reactions to it. I did not realize how this was going to affect me emotionally.

Lisa is the therapist that we see- these are not doctors but people who are specifically trained in dealing with flat heads (there is a more technical name but I would not even know where to began in spelling it...) she is amazing and when she came in with the helmet she kept reminding me that it is harder on the parent…well it was. She placed in on Jaden’s head and he did not even blink- I however started crying (and so did my mom which made it even harder…).

I think the reality of it hit me, Jaden needed something to be “fixed” and I just hate it for him even though he does not even notice, I do. Of course the self blame followed as I started thinking that maybe there was something I could have been doing to prevent this from happening. And then of course the thoughts that this was unfair followed closely behind all the others.

I feel as though Jaden as been through so much already, that his adoption, the grief he might of experienced parting from Liesl, his future journey is enough…why something else? (A dear blogging friend posted a beautiful post about the grief she was experiencing with her adopted son, so much of what I have felt if you want to read her story here.). I just am overwhelmed with so much love for this little man that I hate that he even has to go through this, even at this young of an age.

Every time I see Jaden in his helmet I praise the Lord that that is all it is, a helmet, helping his little head. It is not a heart monitor, it is not because he is not developing correctly, it is not life threatening, it is a helmet…that is all.

I am also reminded that this is just part of the journey that God has all of us on. I am reading a book that my dad gave me for Christmas by Ravi Zacharias called The Grand Weaver. I have only just begun it but it has already touched on some sensitive spots in my heart. It is a reminder that God is the grand weaver, weaving a beautiful and personal garment just for us. Each thread, each stitch, each pull of our lives is His hand weaving a beautiful story for each of us.

Why would I fight this? I know that ultimately God has a beautiful picture to paint, not only for me but for Jaden, I as a parent do not want to stand in the way, even though I want to protect Jaden form everything I think is harmful, God may see it as a necessary “color” for his “grand picture” and I do not want to stand in the way or rob that “color” from Jaden’s picture!
So I am once again reminded to step back, to trust that what I see has a bump in road is actually the exact and perfect stitch, color, and thread that God needs in each of our lives to produce the exact picture He has for each of us as our Grand Weaver!

And just like that Ty is waking up for his 9:30am feeding!