Sunday, February 21, 2010

20 min...

I have 20 minutes before Ty will wake up to feed and Jaden will go down for a nap. I have wanted to give a quick update about sweet Jaden and our experience with his helmet.

Tuesday of this past week my mom and I drove down for Charlotte for what we knew would be a long and emotional day... They needed to see Jaden for an hour to put on his helmet and then monitor it, and then if all looked well they send us away for 3 hours to make sure he does not have any reactions to it. I did not realize how this was going to affect me emotionally.

Lisa is the therapist that we see- these are not doctors but people who are specifically trained in dealing with flat heads (there is a more technical name but I would not even know where to began in spelling it...) she is amazing and when she came in with the helmet she kept reminding me that it is harder on the parent…well it was. She placed in on Jaden’s head and he did not even blink- I however started crying (and so did my mom which made it even harder…).

I think the reality of it hit me, Jaden needed something to be “fixed” and I just hate it for him even though he does not even notice, I do. Of course the self blame followed as I started thinking that maybe there was something I could have been doing to prevent this from happening. And then of course the thoughts that this was unfair followed closely behind all the others.

I feel as though Jaden as been through so much already, that his adoption, the grief he might of experienced parting from Liesl, his future journey is enough…why something else? (A dear blogging friend posted a beautiful post about the grief she was experiencing with her adopted son, so much of what I have felt if you want to read her story here.). I just am overwhelmed with so much love for this little man that I hate that he even has to go through this, even at this young of an age.

Every time I see Jaden in his helmet I praise the Lord that that is all it is, a helmet, helping his little head. It is not a heart monitor, it is not because he is not developing correctly, it is not life threatening, it is a helmet…that is all.

I am also reminded that this is just part of the journey that God has all of us on. I am reading a book that my dad gave me for Christmas by Ravi Zacharias called The Grand Weaver. I have only just begun it but it has already touched on some sensitive spots in my heart. It is a reminder that God is the grand weaver, weaving a beautiful and personal garment just for us. Each thread, each stitch, each pull of our lives is His hand weaving a beautiful story for each of us.

Why would I fight this? I know that ultimately God has a beautiful picture to paint, not only for me but for Jaden, I as a parent do not want to stand in the way, even though I want to protect Jaden form everything I think is harmful, God may see it as a necessary “color” for his “grand picture” and I do not want to stand in the way or rob that “color” from Jaden’s picture!
So I am once again reminded to step back, to trust that what I see has a bump in road is actually the exact and perfect stitch, color, and thread that God needs in each of our lives to produce the exact picture He has for each of us as our Grand Weaver!

And just like that Ty is waking up for his 9:30am feeding!

12 comments:

Andrea said...

Beth,

I can relate to the emotion of Jaden being fitted for his helmet and seeing him in it for the first time....that's a Mother's love at work :) I'm crying as I write, as this touched me in profound ways.

Yes, "he" is the MASTER Weaver and he's woven this helmet for one very special little man. A little man who has the most wonderful, loving, kind and compassinate Mommy. His life has such "purpose", and through you and your family his potential is exponential :)

GOD is good...
xoxo Andrea

twondra said...

I can't imagine having to watch your child go through that. You have an amazing spirit and I admire your attitude. :)

Sammy said...

On my gosh, so hard to think that our children may have to go through pain/ hardship and God will use it to shape them... I guess we in particular want to protect them from any hurt as their past contains so much that may hurt them. How do people do this without God???
BTW must say that Jaden does look suprecute in his helmet!

Ryan & Amber said...

Beth, you are so strong, girl! What a great outlook to have, that God is weaving this into Jaden's life to make him the man He wants him to be. We continue to pray for him. Lots of love to you guys!

Jesse and Mandy Peterson said...

I can understand how I would feel, as a parent, if my son were going through the same thing. I love the perspective you put on it, though. And I know that your story is being continually woven into a beautiful tapestry. And all who see/read it are seeing a wonderful picture of God's love. I love your heart for God and your amazing faith. And, your little guy does pull off that helmet pretty well :-)

Libby said...

I know how you feel girl. I always felt the same way with Abigail...what had I done to cause that, what should I have done to prevent it, how could I watch my child go through that?
And in the end I learned 2 very important things....
first of all, just as you said, the babies don't see it the same way we did. If you ask Abigail today about going to Duke for her surgery, the only thing she talks about is having a sleepover at a hotel with mommy and nana. Nothing else even phased her.
And secondly it brought us both closer to God (which of course was the big plan all along!) Abigail knows that God healed her, just ask her, she will tell you. She knews without a shadow of a doubt that God healed her heart and then He moved in there! She has a very crystal clear understanding of who God is to her!!

Love you!! And I want to read that book when you are done!!

Stacey said...

Beth, you are such a great Mommy to that sweet little boy. I can imagine this would be a hard thing to go through for his parents, but you can rest in the knowledge that you are taking such good care of him and providing exactly what he needs. I'm hoping this will be corrected very soon. Thinking of all of you!

KarenRuth said...

Oh Beth! I know how hard this is to see your little one need to have some medical help at such a young age! My heart breaks to remember what it feels like. Our little Ady was born with hip displasia, and she had to wear a harness on her legs and over her whole body for the first 3 months of her life. The first time I saw her in it I cried, too! God is so gracious through these times to remind us to continue to trust His plan and to trust Him as the healer! I will pray that little Jaden's head heals quickly, and that you have peace through the process! I have a friend who's daughter needed a helmet and they refused to put it on her. Now she has some very serious problems as a result. I am proud of you and Kev for going through this. It is so worth it!
Praying for you!
Karen

Andrea said...

Beth,

I forgot to tell you that I was born with deformed feet that turned inward. I wore a metal bar between my legs and then corrective shoes for several years. Good news is that I remember none of it :) And, thanks to my Mommy and all her love my feet are perfect today! All will be well...

HUGS

Anonymous said...

Beth,

I'm so sorry you all are going through this, and so glad that you realize it's unfair to blame yourself, and that it's harder on you than on him. If it's any consolation at all, one of my little sisters had to wear some seriously clunky medical-looking corrective shoes to fix some issues with her feet/legs when she was really small, and she doesn't even remember it - it's a total non-issue for her, and nobody ever thinks about it in the least, but I bet it was super tough on my parents at the time, dealing with that within a year or so of having adopted her. She's grown up to be amazingly confident and beautiful, and so will your little man. You're a great mom to little Jaden, all he'll remember is how much you love him and took care of him!

Sarah

Becky said...

This must have been so hard to watch your little boy going through this. I am praying he makes a quick and full recovery.

I love that view of God as The Grand Weaver. It really helps me to stay patient and allow God to weave His master plan for my life. It will be beautiful! Seeing you with your 2 little boys reminds me of that.

DeniFay said...

Beth, I just have to say it...I think he looks adorable! But that may be the therapist in me, I just love little kids who need a little extra love from those of us who felt called to do such work. I'm sure as a parent you worry that people are staring at how he looks, but when you see that, think that maybe the person looking is saying a silent prayer for him, or maybe they are beaming at the joy that he is, or maybe they know just how much that helmet is helping and praise you for being such a proactive mother, or maybe they just see how stinking cute he is!!! We never want our children to struggle, we want them to be in perfect peace, but you are an amazing mom to take such good care of both of your young boys--I applaud you!! And I just want to give sweet Jaden a big smooch!!