I am almost intimated to open my blog. The blank screen and screaming words inside my heart just leave me overwhelmed. So normally, I walk away. I am up early this morning (surprise!) I was suppose to go on a 80mi bike ride. Its raining...and me already on a bike, on the road,is death defying, I decided not to factor in the rain. So I am going to hop on my trainer for a littler bit before we are in full swing of Saturday morning activities.
If you follow me at all you know my struggle of early mornings, quiet times, being still...finding a balance in the middle of a crazy cyclone that is my life. yeah...I still haven't found it. I have quiet times (surprise!) and they are sweet sweet moments, and they happen everyday from around 12:30-2 when Asa naps and Kars lays down with me and watches a couple of shows. And you know what I do? Well let me tell you what I DON'T do...I do not pull out my Bible, I do not catch up on overwhelming never ending house work, I do not sit in silence...no....none of those things. I catch up on Gilmore girls, or facebook stalk, or look at all the fun creative things of pinterest....that I WILL CLEARLY NEVER DO. Yes....this is it. I don't know why I am telling you all of this...(again, whoever the you is) I think because I desperately want others to know the struggle is real and you are not alone...because from what I understand this is a normal struggle for most. And I am not saying that it is ok, but I am also not saying it is not ok (confused? yeah me too...why are you still reading?) I think what I am trying to say is that God is in the daily moments, even in giving me the 1.5 hrs to shut my brain off, to not think about the house, or kids, or struggles. I bring Jesus into my every moment. I cry out to Him daily.
Lately the struggle has been real with my Jaden boy. Now here is where writing can be a bit intimidating. My honest-open book-say whatever-leave it on the table- personality wants to share some of my struggles of being an adoptive mom. To be honest I don't think we (adopted mommas) talk enough about what it looks like on the inside. One because we never want our kids to feel different, out of place...or that we love them differently...although...all those things are true...and two...its their lives...their story...their future, past and present that I opening up about...I NEED to be protective. I will say these things though. Jaden is a 110% ours, he was the moment we learned of him, and the love for him was so very easy. Jaden, is 110% adopted, that fact although I do not spend my every waking day with Jaden thinking about that...that is a fact. He was birthed from Liesl, he has a birth family that we recognize and honor, he has a story unlike any of my other children....So when it comes to loving Jaden...clearly I love him differently. I pray for him differently, I cry out to God for him differently. And although I do this for all my children we cannot pretend that this is not a BIG thing in Jaden's life.
Jaden turned 6 a couple of months ago...and its like his little world became a lot bigger and not so little. And these big thoughts were becoming very real for Jaden...he is trying to figure them out, to put them together...can you even imagine doing this at 6? At any age really....I cannot. As months go by and as the journey continues one thing is clear. God is after this boys heart. I can clearly see it in our everyday interaction with Jaden. You know what else I see? Satan hates it. HATES. IT. Never not once have we ever spoken words of Jaden that sound anything like this: "Jaden, you are not good enough to be a Tanner.." I cringe even typing those words. Yet. My 6 year old son in a moment of anger and frustration will scream similar words. How? How does he know such words to gather up and throw at his parents? We do not watch shows that say those words, or speak those words...Satan. You whispering, sleazy, no good..stealer and liar. We have been countering these words with Gods words and truth. Speaking them over him as often as we can, teaching him the difference between truth and lies...and what a lesson it has been for this mom. Daily. I struggle with the same thing I just do not voice them as loud or as vocal as my innocent child. No...I harbor them down deep and tie them up to the corners of my soul and pretend they do not exist. It is pitiful. I'm over it.
So. Here it is. A fight for my sons heart and soul is on. I know it is on for each of them. Choosing to raise them as warriors is going right up against satan himself. With Jaden I am taking on generational sins, anger, and brokenness and putting an end to it. It ends with JADEN. It will not be carried on. These endless battles are exhausting but they are needed (so is the glass of wine each day...) And when I adopted Jaden, I as his mom and Kevin as his dad said "this boy...he is Gods." Watch out world. Jaden is coming.