Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Being the Girl I hated

Yesterday I had my weekly OB appointment. The last few visit feel like an out of body experience for me and yesterday topped them all. As I sat their waiting to be called back I sat next to a young 19 year old girl who ended up sharing with me her struggle with endometriosis. They are talking about doing a complete hysterectomy on her at her young age, a decision that will impact her life forever. I can't even imagine.

Then my name got called and I walked back and did the routine checks. The nurse looked at me and said "Beth you are picture perfect..." Oh my, words I have never really heard before, not even with Ty. As I turned to leave I glanced behind me where they do their blood testing, and there before my eyes sat a young girl crying with her husband. She caught my eyes and I saw her glance at my stomach and quickly look away. My heart dropped...I knew all to well what she was facing.

I stood up to leave and tried hard to hide my belly and walk as quickly as I could because I knew in that moment I was a girl she hated. And I totally understand and receive those emotions from her, she has every right...

I remember the day we found out about our molar pregnancy, all I wanted to do was get out of that office, the office that now held all my fears, all my anger, all my sadness... and yet there I had to sit across from a very pregnant lady who was getting the news that she was "picture perfect..." while I got the news that my baby was no longer. I hated her in that moment. I did not care what her story was, or the journey she was on, all I knew is that she had what I desperately wanted and I did not understand why her and not me.

Now years later I sit on the side that I spent so much time hating. I hated the birth announcements, I hated the pregnancy news, I hated baby showers and baby departments at stores. I avoided pregnant bellies like they were the plague, and I left any conversation that had to do with babies...and now here I sit...on the other side.

I have said it before but because of my experiences I have been robbed me of my innocents. Now as I sit on the other side I am forever grateful that the Lord has granted me with this gift, yes gift, because in that moment for that young woman crying I could pray for her, sympathize with her, and do everything I could to stay clear of her so that I did not in force more pain.

I find myself doing this always. When I am out shopping I notice the women who look away...and I embrace that, I don't take offense, I notice and pray for them.

I don't know friends why I sit on the other side now, I don't know, but I am humbled beyond words. I can promise you though that I remember feeling and honestly really believing that a normal pregnancy was never going to happen to me...no not me... But God is a big God, with Big plans and I believe He really does grant us with our hearts desires. So friend, if you are on the other side looking at me thinking "that will never be me..." please know I remember and I am desperately praying you onto this side...

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Joy and Sorrow

Last night we attended a beautiful wedding. It was such a honor to be apart of this particular wedding, watching this sweet couple unite. The young brides journey has touched and impacted lives around her, I am not sure she is even aware of. She is a sister, a friend, a daughter and a birthmom. She is the birthmom to the daughter of a very close and dear friend of mine. I couldn't help but get emotional when I would see the two women talk and interact...God is in the midst of every detail and it is amazing to see how far he has brought this young woman and her journey. I was surrounded by joy. My heart overflowed with joy, my spirit was singing praises as I watched this couple celebrate, or as I captured a few candid pictures for them. It was wonderful.

I left the wedding and headed home, took a bath and crawled into bed the joy stepped aside and sorrow filled my heart as I knew what today would bring for another dear friend.

On January 8, 2010 a little boy took his first breath in heavens presence. He was born into this world sleeping. My heart aches for this precious couple. I have watched the dad grow into a man after Gods heart. From 10th grade on, I have seen this young man be captivated by Gods abundant love...Although our journeys have not crossed in many years he is one I enjoy keeping up with on Facebook. Watching his journey continue to unfold has brought such moments of praise in my life. I knew he and his wife were expecting and I also knew we were very close in our due dates. I would occasionally hop onto his profile to see if the sweet baby boy had entered into the world. As her due date came and went, my anticipation grew...until a few comments were posted on his wall and I instantly knew...and my heart begin grieving for this couple.

Today they will bury their first born...sorrow, such heavy sorrow. And here as I type this out I am pregnant, with a son...my joy, their sorrow. Oh Lord we long for your return. Every time I feel sweet baby Karsten kick and move I pray for this family, every time I feel pain or discomfort, I pray for this family.

The sorrow that surrounds my love ones right now takes my breath away. It really does make me cry out to the Lord for His sweet return. Until then all I can do is pray Gods peace over these families who are grieving in ways I can't imagine. My dearest friends Dan and Wendy grieving the loss of their son of 22 years, my sweet friend grieving the loss of the son who never took a breath, my dear wonderful girl friends grieving the loss of their angel babies...the list seems to overwhelming...

Yet, there is joy, I will never understand how the two walk hand in hand but they do. Joy and sorrow...only a few steps away, never far from one another. This season of Christmas has meant more to me then any of the seasons past. I can't explain to you my heart to share the HOPE and JOY of Christ to everyone who will turn a listening ear. This season we all need joy for everyone of us has or is experiencing sorrow, the joy my friends is in the birth of our Savior. We can rejoice, for Christ is born, and with Christ comes hope, healing, peace, comfort, and...Joy!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Writing Again...

I am so ready to write again. I still find it so interesting that through the grief of losing Daniel all I could really do is be silent. I still find myself heavy with grief that takes my breath away- I just miss him. I am still praying that God would release words to write Daniels story. When I think about writing it my heart pounds and my mind races, to me this means the time is not right. I know God will open that door to my heart with words that will only be from Him...I don't want to move a moment to quickly.

So I need to just catch up on the ends and outs of life...

I have 3 glorious weeks and 4 days until baby Karsten enters this world. Am I ready? Physically...YES!!! Emotionally....hmmm, he can stay in there as long as he likes! I am excited to meet this little man, and I will miss his movements and dancing. I will miss the pregnant belly, but I think my boys (especially Jaden) will be thankful they can crawl up in mommy's lap a little better :). Overall this pregnancy has been nothing but a blessing with very few hiccups. I am forever grateful and thankful every time I enter the ob- the place that was filled with pain and frustration that is now filled with joy and excitement. I am not sure why God has blessed me so and all I can do is thank Him over and over again.

I am really enjoying the Christmas season this year. Something about little kids that just makes it magical. We are not focusing on Santa at all with the boys, we figure we will see where they personally go with it, but we are not making a big deal about him. We are however trying hard to really teach them the celebration of Jesus birthday. We proudly hung Jesus birthday banner in Jaden's room and we love to pull out their nativity scene and play with it. We sing happy birthday and give baby Jesus lots of Kisses. We are also doing an Advent Calendar with them this year...I love starting these traditions that I pray impact their lives forever.

We decided to celebrate Ty's birthday a little early, this Saturday. I knew I would not be able to do much right after Karsten is born and this way he gets a celebration. So this Saturday we are having just a few people over to help us throw a very small but very special 2nd birthday for Ty! This is better suited for Ty anyway- he is not much for big crowds or lots of people...although he is doing so much better in this area! Ty is really starting to talk more too, it also warms my heart to see him follow his brother around and he absolutely loves to do anything that Jaden is doing!

Jaden is talking up a storm and communicating in ways that amaze us. There are so many times we look at each other and say "did you teach him that?" to which we both reply "nope." Ahh, thanks Nick Jr. for teaching my child right now. Yup, Nick Jr. is a staple in my home, especially when we are all sick and it is painful for me to move. I keep reminding myself that these months and days are just a season, it will not be like this forever... Anyway, my favorite phrases right now that Jaden says are "Momma I Loooooove you!" and "Momma, look at that..." or "Momma where is T-rex? Oh right there..." And yes it is a clear as that, yet in his very cute little voice!

To say I am beyond blessed really does not describe how I truly feel. I am excited to write more hopefully. God has laid a few new things to really share about, but again when the time is right. For now I must go check on two quiet little boys, which means they are into something!!