Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Being the Girl I hated

Yesterday I had my weekly OB appointment. The last few visit feel like an out of body experience for me and yesterday topped them all. As I sat their waiting to be called back I sat next to a young 19 year old girl who ended up sharing with me her struggle with endometriosis. They are talking about doing a complete hysterectomy on her at her young age, a decision that will impact her life forever. I can't even imagine.

Then my name got called and I walked back and did the routine checks. The nurse looked at me and said "Beth you are picture perfect..." Oh my, words I have never really heard before, not even with Ty. As I turned to leave I glanced behind me where they do their blood testing, and there before my eyes sat a young girl crying with her husband. She caught my eyes and I saw her glance at my stomach and quickly look away. My heart dropped...I knew all to well what she was facing.

I stood up to leave and tried hard to hide my belly and walk as quickly as I could because I knew in that moment I was a girl she hated. And I totally understand and receive those emotions from her, she has every right...

I remember the day we found out about our molar pregnancy, all I wanted to do was get out of that office, the office that now held all my fears, all my anger, all my sadness... and yet there I had to sit across from a very pregnant lady who was getting the news that she was "picture perfect..." while I got the news that my baby was no longer. I hated her in that moment. I did not care what her story was, or the journey she was on, all I knew is that she had what I desperately wanted and I did not understand why her and not me.

Now years later I sit on the side that I spent so much time hating. I hated the birth announcements, I hated the pregnancy news, I hated baby showers and baby departments at stores. I avoided pregnant bellies like they were the plague, and I left any conversation that had to do with babies...and now here I sit...on the other side.

I have said it before but because of my experiences I have been robbed me of my innocents. Now as I sit on the other side I am forever grateful that the Lord has granted me with this gift, yes gift, because in that moment for that young woman crying I could pray for her, sympathize with her, and do everything I could to stay clear of her so that I did not in force more pain.

I find myself doing this always. When I am out shopping I notice the women who look away...and I embrace that, I don't take offense, I notice and pray for them.

I don't know friends why I sit on the other side now, I don't know, but I am humbled beyond words. I can promise you though that I remember feeling and honestly really believing that a normal pregnancy was never going to happen to me...no not me... But God is a big God, with Big plans and I believe He really does grant us with our hearts desires. So friend, if you are on the other side looking at me thinking "that will never be me..." please know I remember and I am desperately praying you onto this side...