Saturday, March 27, 2010

Ahh The Sleepless Nights!

This morning Jaden and I are hanging out a bit, Kevin is an amazing husband and gave me the night off to sleep last night, so this morning Jaden and I (ok mostly I) laid down Tyler and then Kev went off to rest for at least a hour!'

So here is our dilemma and I am open for advice just so you know!! Jaden was my text book baby; he followed and still follows things exactly how the book says he should. What book? Well a couple of books combined but mostly Baby Wise. We are a scheduled family. After we found out that we would be having TWO babies and NOT twins I knew I needed a plan. So when Jaden was born I started on routine a cycle of sleep, eat, wake! It worked like a charm, by eight weeks Jaden was sleeping through the night, taking great naps and a happy content baby. Now I knew I had an exceptionally good baby but I was confident that this would work for Ty and since Jaden was already in a great routine I was going to fit Ty into that routine!!!

Well that has worked for the most part…Ty is routine, he eats when we feed him, sleeps when we lay him down and is mostly a content and happy baby…except that Ty, was diagnosed with acid reflux, so we went on meds… then he started spitting up a ton so we put him on a different formula, then he was waking every two hours to feed so the Dr. told us to add rice to his formula, to no avail my little Ty is still NOT sleeping through the night, waking sometimes up to three times for a FULL feeding and it has left Kevin and I scratching our head in confusion.

Now this is not all about my dilemma, you know me I can make anything a spiritual lesson. One thing Kevin and I have decided was not to do cry it out, the other thing that we have done with Ty that we did not do with Jaden is sleep Ty on his belly…only for naps…but why??? Because yes my dear friends Ty has a nice little flat spot!!!!!! Oh my!!! So I am being very aggressive because I really do not want another helmet, so I rock Ty to sleep so that I can lay him on his belly…which I am fine with, on good days it only takes me ten to fifteen minutes, but there are those days where he fights sleep resulting into a hour or so to get him to sleep…time I really do not have.

The other night Ty was up, and I was rocking him back to sleep, this is usually when I get my best prayer in. As I was praying that Ty would sleep through the night it dawned on me that maybe this was Gods way of making me STOP and enjoy my baby. How many years it took to get to this point, and I already look at Jaden who is 7 ½ months old and know how quickly it is going. I don’t want to miss out on these days, and there will come a time when it will be the last time I rock Ty, one day he will be grown and rocking him will be something of the past and I will wish that I had enjoyed the sleepless nights just a little bit more. So although I still would like to see Ty make it longer than 3 hours through the night, I am not going to complain when I am rocking my baby, this is a gift and I can remember crying out to the Lord when I would hear people complain “I would take their sleepless fussy baby Lord…”

Just know, that when I hold my babies I pray for you girls who are crying out to God with desperate hearts, with a burning desire and a longing that is so deep. Know that when I hold my baby I pray that soon your arms will be filled and in the this time of waiting that God would give you the strength it takes to make it one more day, I remember and the pain never goes away.

This march is the first march in three years that I am not pregnant. It is hard to believe that for three years in a row I was pregnant, there is a level of grief that always joins spring, and even though there is joy as well because I knew about Jaden and Ty this time last year, it does not take away the ache I have for the two babies I lost that I desperately wanted, but I have said it before and I pray it encourages your heart, I had to have the two losses to have these two blessings, it was Gods way of taking something that looked dead and hopeless to bring LIFE and HOPE!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

In Awe of What God Can DO...

I am in awe of God can do….We have been having one of those years…when I think God could not bless us anymore then He already has He shows up once again and I am left awe-struck…

I have not written this and I should have months ago, but my time is so different these days. I belong to the most amazing church and I don’t say that lightly, in fact if you know me well you know that I really don’t like churches especially big ones… Ever since high school I have been involved with youth. It was my calling and I loved it, I loved working for and with the youth! For close to ten years I worked on a staff of a church…and I started to see how corrupt churches could really be, I began to see how churches were run like a business. Now not all my experiences were bad, but I will say that the end of the day I was sick of churches and sick of working on a staff, I was what we call in the Christian community “burnt out...”

When Kevin and I got married we churched hop for the first 4 years, now of course we were moving every year and that did not make it easy to find a church home, but every time we would go to a church I would walk away with the same sick feeling that we would never find a home and that all churches were run the same…. Until we moved to NC and God led us to Breakthrough. Now I will not put Breakthrough on a pedestal and call it perfect because we are all human and sinful, but I will say that Breakthrough Church is the first church I truly feel at home in. Both Kevin and I have changed, grown and been challenged under the leadership of this church.

Even my darkest days, when it seemed I hated people, (I never hated people I just did not like people who made stupid comments about loss and infertility…and all the IF sisters say “AMEN”…) Breakthrough stood by me, sometimes silent, sometimes loud….but never the less they prayed us through to the other side and when I finally surfaced out of my “blank” hole (Read blog…), they welcomed me with open arms and excitement!

The Pastors of the church are our pastors but I am also honored to call them our friends. The first time we ever met with them I left with tears in my eyes as Pastor Michelle had also dealt with infertility for close to six years. She understood the pain and knew my aching heart. They tried for 3 years had a beautiful son and continued to try…he is now six! We became close during the losses I experienced…even when I tried to push Michelle away when she was speaking truth into my life and I was not ready or wanting to hear…, they stood by us and prayed a miracle into our lives. So when we got to share we were adopting they put their own wants and desires aside to celebrate our miracle (still brings tears to my eyes…).

I will never forget driving to Michelle’s house to tell her not only was I adopting but I was pregnant. Here they were on a waiting list for adoption for almost a year and we were not even pursuing it and we get chosen to adopt a baby, and now I am telling her that I am also pregnant, when they have been trying for six years…my heart was breaking because I knew it would cause pain in hers… But once again she put aside her wants, her desires and celebrated with me on that night…

Kevin and I prayed for their Miracle, and I prayed hard wanting it so badly for them. When I was out in Colorado to pick up Jaden I got a phone call that they would be adopting form an amazing young women who asked if they would raise her baby. ..I remember feeling so overwhelmed and excited for them, and I continued to pray… "Lord give them a double blessing…”

Sure enough one Saturday night (six days before Ty was born) we went to dinner with them, I knew in my heart they had news to share with us and sure enough they did…they were PREGNANT! Their babies would be 4 months apart…is this a coincidence?? Not if you believe in a God who can perform miracles….I do ….

Yesterday their sweet little girl was born, and in a matter of months they will welcome their baby boy! I am in awe of what God can do…

I had to experience the death of my son Judah to experience the life of my son Jaden….I am in awe of what God can do…

I became pregnant against all odds and ovulate on the side without a fallopian tube…I am in awe of what God can do…

Yesterday we got approved for a grant that will pay the cost of Jaden’s Helmet…I am in awe of what God can do…

Tomorrow my brother in law will graduate from officers training…I am in awe of what God can do…

Today I sit here with TWO sleeping babies in MY home…I am in awe of what God can do…

I stand back in awe, I serve God not because of what He does for me but because of WHO He is, the fact that He chooses to bless us makes it that more amazing.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Wanted You All to KNOW

That as of Febuary 10th, 2010 Jaden's adoption was finilized!!!

We actually just found out two weeks ago when a sweet lady from the County Clerks Office called. She kept apologizing in regards to Jaden Tanner's adoption which made my heart drop in fear that something was wrong, but she was so upset that it had gotten overlooked and was finished for quite sometime. At this point I could have cared less, I was so excited to know that it was DONE!

I believe with all my heart that the moment Jaden was conceived it was done, he was ours and God had already finished, but from a flesh perspective it sure did feel good to hear that it was finalized!

I have so much more I want to update you on but I am exhausted and a nice glass of wine and a bath is calling my name. Please know how much I appreciate you all, your comments, prayers and encouragement amaze me daily!

I am praying for you girls who are:
And Healing....

Love to you all my girls!