Saturday, December 27, 2008

Looking Back

I have thought about writing all day, but what do you say? How can you describe the heart ache or the grief that you are feeling? Really there are no words.

As I awoke this morning I could not help but think to myself that God knew there would never really be a due date for my little ones, this day is really just like any other day, except that I remember more, but the grief is the same as it was yesterday and the day before that.

As I think over the months and all I have been through, the mountains I have climb the valleys I have sat in, the rivers I have found healing in I realize that really I am just starting this journey, and as I look back and remember all the dark days, bright moments, fearful times and healing minutes I realize just how far I have come, and as I turn around and see the looming mountains, deep valleys, and rivers to cross I realize just how far I have to go. But that is life, which is how it is for each one of us.

I am learning to not compare, and although I feel as though Kevin and I have been asked to walk a hard journey, there are journeys for all of us. Some of us are changed by them, allowing God to mold us into who He has created us to be, other of us tend to get harder, bitter and turn our back on God who loves us the most. I never want to be that person.

As I sit here and type, the tears fall freely, but not because of what I have lost but rather of what I have gained, because of the great pain I am closer to my Father then I could have ever imagined being. I am a changed person, blessed beyond words and honestly can say that I want nothing more then what God wants to give me.

He is making me whole, restoring me and saving me, healing me and wiping each tear from my face! Yes the pain is there, the ache is overwhelming, but the sacrifice…is worth it.

I have been so overwhelmed by all the text messages, phone calls, emails and flowers brought to my door, each one making me stop and pause and sometimes let the tears fall more. Please know how much I appreciate them, they have meant more then you could ever know.

This Christmas was special, and I enjoyed the day and enjoyed my time, and although my heart was heavy my spirit was full of joy. I know that your prayers carried Kevin and I through the difficult days, thank you!
Psalm 86:15-17
"but you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness and truth. turn to me, and be gracious to me; oh grant your strength to your servant, and save the son of your handmaid. show me a sign for good, that those who hate me may see it and be ashamed, because you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Celebrating Sorrow

Kevin left for Florida this morning. Kevin and I rarely do anything apart from each other, one of the true blessings of our marriage- we love to be together. However given how sick I was for a couple of weeks and still not recovered we finally made the difficult journey that I would stay behind.

It is lonely without him; there are only so many Lifetime Christmas movies you can watch. The house is quite and the spirit of Christmas is upon us but sorrow seems to be the greater spirit in my heart. I am falling into it, not rejecting it or trying to run from it.

As I was lying in bed with Kevin last night I shed tears for so many reasons. My tears ran freely because Kevin was leaving, but also because I so desperately miss my children, my heart has been prepared to be a mother and yet I don’t have my baby to love, and sometimes I am not sure what to do with my aching arms and longing heart.

As I celebrate the birth of my King I will also celebrate what should have been, I will celebrate a life that was, a life that could have been, and a life we will one day meet. There is much to celebrate in the midst of sorrow, there is much to have joy about in the midst of grief, and although my tears are shed, I still raise my hands to my Father and give Him thanks for what he HAS done and what He WILL do.

We have much to look forward to, we have much we can appreciate, but for the next week we will remember the past, we will remember the pregnancy test, the celebration of Judah’s life from the first day. We will remember the past of Mary the virgin and the miracle of her birth to a King, we will remember His life, what it was, and what it still IS!

And although their is sorrow, their is celebration, of what was, what is, and what is to come!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

If This Does not Make you Smile I am not Sure What Will!

Remember to pause the music at the bottom of my page so you can hear the kids!

I enjoyed watching my nephew in his Christmas play today, It brought such a joy to my heart and a smile to my face! I hope you enjoy watching all these cute little ones, my nephew is in the green!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Unwritten Christmas Cards...

I have many unwritten Christmas cards sitting in my house that I made by hand. I stare at them and don’t know where to began, I sit down to write out a Christmas letter and don’t know what to say or how to say it, and it is just too much.

For those of you, who have followed my blog, thank you! It means so much to me that many of you have caught a glimpse of my heart and have followed, encouraged, and prayed for me along the way. It is amazing how some people have decided to stop reading because it made them feel uncomfortable or they did not like how or what I was writing, it has hurt my heart so much. But then there are those of you, who are so faithful, so encouraging and so incredible, and there will never be enough or the right words to say thank you.

I am not sure that Christmas cards will be sent out this year from Kevin and I, we just did not expect all the bumps and potholes in the road that have made this Christmas season a little more difficult for us. I can barely find the strength to buy Christmas gifts or to even think of ideas. Kevin has offered to take all of this on, and I know he will be of great help, but I am not sure how this season will play out.

As Kevin and I discussed these things last night I told him this was a reminder of last year, I was going through my first loss, we were trying to decide whether we should travel or not, we were not sure about Christmas cards, gifts, or anything else and here I sit, a year later with another loss and the same but stronger grief.

It puts the Christmas time in such a new perspective because it really is not about the gifts, cards, trees, lights, or anything else, but it is so much more, so much deeper and when you have been so strip and humbled of everything it makes you go to the real meaning of Christmas, the real miracle and that is all you can hold onto, that is where the pure Joy is…in Christ.

So if you normally receive Christmas cards from Kevin and I, I am sorry if you do not get one this year, please understand that we were not expecting me to be in the hospital (again) or that we would have been out of town for such a long time. We are also coming up on the due date of Judah, December 27, is the date we hold onto, it is just so much to get through this season. I just wanted you to know that we appreciate each of you; we love you guys and can’t thank God enough for the family and friends God has given to us. Sometimes the only way I can fall asleep at night is to repeat my blessings, and every time the readers of this blog (my family and friends) are mentioned, you give me strength! We love you!!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Six Months...

I can remember the words perfectly; “you must wait six months to try…” I can remember their impact upon my heart as my doctor said them. I can remember Kevin’s arms around me and I can remember repeating over and over in my head that we would make it. I can remember it like it was yesterday, it was not yesterday it was six months ago today. June 9th, and now six months later I sit here in my home (yes we made it home!) and wonder where the time and days went and now what do we do. It seems simple, that we get to try again, but it is not so simple, there is much healing that still needs to take place and now after a week and half of food poisoning I cannot think of anything but still getting better.

Kevin and I are learning to live our lives by the moment, trying not to anticipate what the future is, because so far neither of us ever thought that this is where God would have us be. It is a good lesson to learn, a good life lesson, one I hope I can keep learning. I have to trust the Lord by the moment; I have to trust the Lord for each second of my life, never knowing where one moment will lead us next.

As I look back over the last six months, I see my relationship with Kevin closer and tighter then it has ever been. The foundation of our relationship does not rely on having children; it does not rely on our hopes and dreams, wants and wishes, it relies on the foundation of God. Because of that Kevin and I are stronger, not only as individuals but as a couple, nothing can separate us, or question our relationship with one another, and for this I am thankful for. Kevin and I have lived a lot of life together in the last 4 ½ years of our marriage and I would not trade, change, or ask for anything different.

As we grieve the loss of our second child, we grieve with joy, and as contradicting as that might sound I am learning that it is not so contradicting as it seems, now walking this journey it makes perfect harmony because the joy I have eternally is only given by my heavenly father, a joy indescribable and unbelievable!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Coming Out on the Other Side

Well it has been an adventure to say the least. We are still here in Indiana and are still not sure when we will return home, we are hoping Monday. I have been to urgent care twice and finally went back into the emergency room for more fluids and another round of tests. Looks like it is still pointing to a bacterial infection. The last Doctor we had could not have been more helpful and stated our circumstances just as Kevin and I have often felt "That's a shit load of stuff...." Ha, I had to laugh in the midst of my pain.

God is good, and I am able to keep some food down and am starting to feel so much better, I have been able to rest a lot more with the pain medicine that the doctor gave me and that has helped so much. It is snowing here and for the first time I am feeling a little bit like Christmas, although I don't think this season will be anything but remembering our baby and the birth of Christ.

We can't thank you enough for all the prayers, they have been needed and are still needed. We are all ready to get back to our home, but we know it will be when God says it is time. We are coming out on the other side still standing, still praising, still loving our God!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Riding Out the Storm

Satan really does hate me! This will be a quick post as I am barely able to sit up right now. I had a wonderful thanksgiving and time with Kevin’s grandparents was such a blessing. However, Friday night I got violently ill, resulting in a hospital visit Sunday morning. I was extremely dehydrated and could not keep anything down; the Doctors ran a lot of test, gave me a lot of fluids and told me I had food poisoning, and a Urinary track infection. I have since then been trying to ride out the storm.

We are back an Indi, and poor Kevin’s work has been nothing but battle after battle looks like we will stay here for another week and not return home until Sunday. When I was lying in the hospital I looked at Kevin who also looked so weak and tired and said “we can’t catch a break.” It is true, we can’t, but I have to believe it is because WE refuse to stop praising the Lord, I will continue to praise and I will continue to seek him, I hold on to the promises of the Lord and know he was on that bathroom floor with me, we will make this and come out on the other end strong. However, right now I am so weak, and sick, so please be praying for both Kevin and I!

Also if you have emailed me in the last four days and I have not written back please know it is not becuase I am ignoring you, I honestly can't do much of anything right now, but lay in one spot waiting for the cramping to stop...Thanks!