Saturday, December 27, 2008

Looking Back

I have thought about writing all day, but what do you say? How can you describe the heart ache or the grief that you are feeling? Really there are no words.

As I awoke this morning I could not help but think to myself that God knew there would never really be a due date for my little ones, this day is really just like any other day, except that I remember more, but the grief is the same as it was yesterday and the day before that.

As I think over the months and all I have been through, the mountains I have climb the valleys I have sat in, the rivers I have found healing in I realize that really I am just starting this journey, and as I look back and remember all the dark days, bright moments, fearful times and healing minutes I realize just how far I have come, and as I turn around and see the looming mountains, deep valleys, and rivers to cross I realize just how far I have to go. But that is life, which is how it is for each one of us.

I am learning to not compare, and although I feel as though Kevin and I have been asked to walk a hard journey, there are journeys for all of us. Some of us are changed by them, allowing God to mold us into who He has created us to be, other of us tend to get harder, bitter and turn our back on God who loves us the most. I never want to be that person.

As I sit here and type, the tears fall freely, but not because of what I have lost but rather of what I have gained, because of the great pain I am closer to my Father then I could have ever imagined being. I am a changed person, blessed beyond words and honestly can say that I want nothing more then what God wants to give me.

He is making me whole, restoring me and saving me, healing me and wiping each tear from my face! Yes the pain is there, the ache is overwhelming, but the sacrifice…is worth it.

I have been so overwhelmed by all the text messages, phone calls, emails and flowers brought to my door, each one making me stop and pause and sometimes let the tears fall more. Please know how much I appreciate them, they have meant more then you could ever know.

This Christmas was special, and I enjoyed the day and enjoyed my time, and although my heart was heavy my spirit was full of joy. I know that your prayers carried Kevin and I through the difficult days, thank you!
Psalm 86:15-17
"but you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness and truth. turn to me, and be gracious to me; oh grant your strength to your servant, and save the son of your handmaid. show me a sign for good, that those who hate me may see it and be ashamed, because you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.


Michelle Hill said...

Just sending you love......

Hillary said...

What a beautiful post. Every word you wrote rang so true to me, resonated with my true heart's longings to know God and glorify him. Even in suffering. I am at the beginning of my infertility journey, and maybe this road will be short...whatever journey God places me on, I pray I can write what you just did!
I said a prayer for you!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm praying for you Beth!

I love this: He is making me whole, restoring me and saving me, healing me and wiping each tear from my face! Yes the pain is there, the ache is overwhelming, but the sacrifice…is worth it.

There are so many times I just want to NOT go through this, but in the reality, hubby and I, God and I are much closer together than we would have been ahead of time. It's almost like, if you get through this trusting God, you can get through anything.