Monday, January 5, 2009

Not Looking for Easy

I have been pondering for a while now what I should write, no words seem to hit the nail on the head, to give justice to what I am feeling regarding the new year or the fact that eight months have come and gone since Judah, or the emotions of getting past the due date, or the reality that before I know it I will be facing a year.

This journey of trying for a child has overwhelmed me at times, and left me fighting for my breath. The journey of loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy left me confused and empty, and then to face a molar pregnancy with Judah, well this has knocked me out. I sometimes feel the healing, but even when I don’t feel it I do know that I am healing.

When I look ahead to 2009 I am thankful for a new year, there is a bit of loss as I move ahead and realize that leaving behind 2008 is leaving behind one of the most exciting moments of my life, finding out I was pregnant. In the midst of all the sorrow sometimes Kevin and I go back to that simple moment of pulling that pregnancy test form the trash can and seeing its two lines, and for 6 weeks we had joy, I hold onto that with everything that is within me. However 2008 was not an easy year, 2007 was not an easy year.

As I look ahead into 2009 I am not looking for the easy street, in fact my heart knows that this journey will not be easy, that the Christian walk is not easy, being in the fire refined by God is not easy. No I am not looking for easy, but I do know the last 7 months, and however many months God has decided to give me, I have been in recovery, but only to come out stronger and fighting with more vengeance.

I may have been knocked out, but I have not been killed, which means I will come out swinging harder and fighting more. I don’t know what the future holds for Kevin and I, I don’t know if children are what the Lord has planned for us, and I would be lying if I did not say how fearful I am to try again. It is not easy, but then again, we are not looking for easy!

So, as for now I enjoy this time of healing, of remembering, of crying, and I know that Lord has great things planned for Kevin and me, we hold onto to that. So I don’t move forward to 2009 but I move forward to the Lord and my deeper, stronger, relationship with Him. For that the fight is worth it!


I Believe in Miracles said...

I love this line "So I don’t move forward to 2009 but I move forward to the Lord and my deeper, stronger, relationship with Him. For that the fight is worth it!"

What an awesome reminder! It's hard to believe it's another year, but I know God has great things in store for you. He is using you in so many ways. It's beautiful.


Stacey said...

As important at it is to spend time remembering, looking back can also be so hard. Your faith is so sound, Beth. I know the Lord will be with you as you rely on Him whatever the outcome.

Glad to see you writing again! Love ya bunches.

Libby said...

You are so right that you are not and did not take the easy road. The easy road would have been to curse God and scream why me. But you have known all along that He is a loving God and has bigger plans for you.
I luv ya girlie!!

Michelle Hill said...

Hi Beth! I'm proud of you and just wanted you to know. I'm glad we chatted yesterday....
I wouldn't want to be Satan when you come out swingin'!!!!
He attacks but he does not win!
Love you,

Hillary said...

I pray for your continued recovery, refining, and strengthening. God is so faithful to continue this work!! Your words are so faithful amd He is glorified!

Hillary said...

Just letting you know I tagged you!

PS - Do you know why I can't subscribe to your blog in an RSS feed? It doesn't update for some reason...?

Tanner's said...

I am not sure, I have tried everything and I can't seem to get it to work....not sure...sorry!