Monday, January 5, 2009

Not Looking for Easy

I have been pondering for a while now what I should write, no words seem to hit the nail on the head, to give justice to what I am feeling regarding the new year or the fact that eight months have come and gone since Judah, or the emotions of getting past the due date, or the reality that before I know it I will be facing a year.

This journey of trying for a child has overwhelmed me at times, and left me fighting for my breath. The journey of loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy left me confused and empty, and then to face a molar pregnancy with Judah, well this has knocked me out. I sometimes feel the healing, but even when I don’t feel it I do know that I am healing.

When I look ahead to 2009 I am thankful for a new year, there is a bit of loss as I move ahead and realize that leaving behind 2008 is leaving behind one of the most exciting moments of my life, finding out I was pregnant. In the midst of all the sorrow sometimes Kevin and I go back to that simple moment of pulling that pregnancy test form the trash can and seeing its two lines, and for 6 weeks we had joy, I hold onto that with everything that is within me. However 2008 was not an easy year, 2007 was not an easy year.

As I look ahead into 2009 I am not looking for the easy street, in fact my heart knows that this journey will not be easy, that the Christian walk is not easy, being in the fire refined by God is not easy. No I am not looking for easy, but I do know the last 7 months, and however many months God has decided to give me, I have been in recovery, but only to come out stronger and fighting with more vengeance.

I may have been knocked out, but I have not been killed, which means I will come out swinging harder and fighting more. I don’t know what the future holds for Kevin and I, I don’t know if children are what the Lord has planned for us, and I would be lying if I did not say how fearful I am to try again. It is not easy, but then again, we are not looking for easy!

So, as for now I enjoy this time of healing, of remembering, of crying, and I know that Lord has great things planned for Kevin and me, we hold onto to that. So I don’t move forward to 2009 but I move forward to the Lord and my deeper, stronger, relationship with Him. For that the fight is worth it!