Sunday, January 18, 2009

"Then" Where it all Began

It all began when I was working for Woodmen Valley Chapel.

I worked with the middle school students and it was so large that we could not keep up with all the kids, so I started the blog – The Stories of Beth. It was pink and flamboyant, it was fun and exciting. I wrote to the kids, my students, and tried my hardest to share parts of my life with them.

Then I quit my job, I lost a baby and we moved….so the blog in many ways came to an end.

It was found by some of my cousins and wanting to keep up with me they encouraged me to write and post pictures. I changed the title to The Stories of the Tanners, removed the pink background and incorporated my husband into the mix. It was fun, it was light hearted, and in most ways it was a place to post pictures.

Then month after month would past, each one revealing yet another negative pregnancy test.

We watched more friends and family members have their dreams come true of having a family and we kept posting pictures of our dogs or recent projects on the house. Blogs that we enjoyed viewing became a place for photos of children, the latest toy bought or the nursery just finished, and once again Kevin and I continued our posts on the house, the dogs, or Kevin’s softball team. I felt that I was being left behind in every way.

Then we lost our second child.

It became a place for me to be real, to share exactly how I was feeling, in the midst of the most heartbroken moment. It became my journal of the journey God asked me to walk and so I titled it - Walking the Journey. On some of my darkest days it was my best friend. I was able to express myself without feeling the awkwardness that comes with face to face conversation.

Then I found friends.

A group of amazing girls, in the same lonely, heart wrenching boat that I was in, and yet our stories were a bit different our hearts were all longing for the same thing, a baby. Some of us have become close friends, we have never met but our hearts are tied together in unexplained ways. They understood my frustrations, grief, and met me where I was.

Then some of them got pregnant.

I am overjoyed for them! Never wanting to take a moment away from them, or wanting them to hold back on the moment I so long for. However I am once again finding myself watching them change their blog from trying to a blog about their growing family, I am faced with seeing positive pregnancy tests, ultra sound pictures and joy that I can only hope to have one day.

Then…

I continue to post, I continue to write, but not for anyone but for God, and as I write for God I am blessed! I can only hope and pray that someone stumbles upon my blog and is met face to face with the one and true God- the God who has carried me through all the “thens” and walked with me on the journey to motherhood!