Friday, July 31, 2009

Today in the Face of a Year

As I awoke this morning I was feeling very emotional about many things. As I rolled over and peered out our big glass windows I could tell it was a rainy day, and for whatever reason I love rainy days and so I smiled. I laid there with my puppies giving me their morning wakeup snuggles and started thinking about where I was a year ago today. I could not remember but I do know that after losing Judah I updated my blog almost every day. I thought maybe I had posted something a year ago today and was anxious to see.

As I came down stairs and opened my windows, turned on my computer and started my coffee (don’t worry half and half) I began to think about all God has done in my life over the last couple of years, two losses and two blessing all within two years, is that not so hard to comprehend, is that not a story only our God could write?

As I opened my blog I had to giggle, I have only written 38 post in 2009, in 2008 I wrote 157, you can tell my healing as been accomplished and although there are days my arms ache for my unborn babies my heart is rejoicing in all God has done. I scrolled through past post, which is always hard for me to do, it is hard to look back at some of my darkest days. I know I would never trade them but the impact of them has forever changed me in ways I could never express with words. Finally I find July 31, 2008, check it out…it truly is a miracle.

Every Monday I start a new week, and this Monday I will be starting my 18th week, I will be finding out soon what I am having although we already know it is a little boy, baby Ty. I am wearing maternity clothes, my nursery is completed and in the wings of a couple of weeks I will be bringing home my first born son Jaden Daniel. Today in the face of a year ago, look at where God brings us look at what God does.

I know many of you are waiting for your miracle, many of you a baby, maybe a husband that will fall on his knees in worship to his king, maybe a job, who knows, but hold onto hope, because God does not do anything on our time. It is a miracle that I am expecting two babies in the face of a year, how could this be? Only by Gods perfect writing, He is the great “I AM” “The Author and Creator”, “the Beginning and the End.” Hold onto not what you face in today but what God can do in tomorrow!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Praise, Prayer and Updates

Of course there is so much going on, but I don't ever want this blog to become about everything pregnancy or adopting, I am still trying to find the balance so please be patient with me. I do however want to give everyone updates to let them know how things are going!

I am doing well, moving full speed ahead it seems in every direction. My life has not slowed down and at this point I believe it will only continue to speed up, I am ready for it. I of course am still dealing with fears and anxieties and I find myself more attached to sweet baby Ty as he continues to grow at 16 weeks. We had an appointment yesterday and everything is right on track, they even believe I have popped!! Praise the Lord!

Things with Liesl and Jaden are running smoothly. I am constantly amazed at Liesl and our growing friendship and family. She is a strong young women and I am beyond proud of her. We do need to pray that the birth father would sign papers, he is dragging his feet and it will only delay everything. We have had some bumps in the road with paper work and finalizing a few things but with everything Kevin and I have gone through I take them and don't dwell on them. I am constantly reminded that Satan is an active player in this journey and not wanting to see God's ultimate plan come to completion, so I must constantly put on my armor of God and go to battle.

It is amazing that I am only five weeks away from welcoming our first son into the world, I am overcome with emotion and of course the fear that I will not do everything just right for Jaden. I know I will make mistakes and so our prayers have already been with open hands as offer Jaden to the Lord to fulfill His plan and work in little Jaden’s life. I think Loss will make you do this.

As the time gets closer I am sure I will update more about the process of adoption and all the emotions wrapped into it. As for the moment I do ask that you would pray for sweet Liesl, her life is about to change and I pray that the transition is as smooth as it can be, that God would wrap her in his sweet arms and carry her through!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

47 days!

Well the nursery is almost done, and baby Jaden will join the world in 47 days unless he decides to come early, which is what I think will happen. We are so overwhelmed and amazed by our God’s blessings in our lives. When I walk into the nursery it often times brings tears to my eyes, it has been a long and difficult journey and I can't believe that the nursery is not someone else’s, but it is my vision and dream, it is ours and the feeling is indescribable. If you are up to and want to see you can click on Jaden's Room and view it, but please don’t feel like you have to.

Last night Kevin and I enjoyed an evening out to dinner and then a trip to Babies R Us, it is interesting to walk into a store that for so long caused such an ache in my heart, and even as I walk through the doors I often times feel as though we don’t belong and they are going to escort me out. We need to pick out a car seat for Jaden and ship it to Colorado Springs in the next week. As we search and play with the car seats I am once again overtaken by emotion, and of course often times finding myself praying for those who so desperately want to be doing the same thing, girls I do pray for you so often.

Many of you have asked when and if we are going to have a shower before Jaden comes, Kevin and I have spent a lot of time discussing this and have decided that a shower would just be too difficult right now. Kevin and I have been robbed of our innocence, it just comes with the territory of loss and as much as I would like to say that lives in the past, the loss of my two babies has forever sculpted the person I am today and the way I view things in life, especially when it comes to having a baby.

My desire is to have a celebration of life party once we have sweet Jaden in our arms, until that moment I don’t think I could bare doing a shower and then something happen….it is the reality of which I live in. However, I have to admit there have been many moments that I have wished for a shower just to help with some of the larger and more expensive items that Kevin and I are now having to purchase, but once again I am reminded of God’s abundant grace and provision in our lives and I know without a shadow of doubt that He has and will provide every need and want we have for the boys!

So although we are not registering or doing things the way every other couple does them does not mean I have not had my fun of dreaming of items I would love to have, so I have put together a wish list that I am still adding to and would love to share it with you, not because I am asking for these items but just because it is fun to see what a girls dreams are….but once again I will put it in a link (Beth’s Wish List) so that those of you who are not up for looking at it will not have too. And please don’t, I will forever remind you that it is okay!

Which is what I would like to close this post on, I am amazed by the girls God has brought in my life through this blog, I don’t always respond back and I don’t always tell you girls how much you mean to me, I feel your cheers and encouragement even in the midst of your own grief and waiting and the feeling is indescribable. Please know, that those of you who are my faithful followers are being prayed for, I go to God so often asking for Him to release His blessing in your life. Know how much you are loved, cherished and appreciated you were and still are the valleys of joy in the journey of sorrow!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Oh My Great Suprise!!!

What a week it has been!!! I have been able to have some amazing time with my dearest friend Jamie before the babies come (that is still so hard for me to write out because it does not seem real...). We have enjoyed endless conversations, laughter, tears, fireworks and all!

This past week we also found out that Jaden’s birthfather has come forward and seems at this point to be cooperating as he should be; this is such an answer to prayer. I don’t think my heart will be at ease until I hold sweet Jaden in my arms and things are final, three days after his birth. We also began the home study this week, Monday is our first one and then I believe we will have one Tuesday as well, I am excited to get this last step behind us.

On Thursday we had a bit of a scare with the pregnancy… I started cramping extremely bad, we called the doctor and they quickly made an appointment for me that same day. I can’t even tell you how scared I was, I kept repeating to myself that “no matter what, we would be okay…” and I knew in my heart that we really would be okay even if it meant then unthinkable. We were so blessed to have my doctor who was on call. I thought maybe they would just listen to the heart beat, but when Dr. Cobb heard about my pain he opted for an ultrasound. Immediately they could see the baby moving, and a strong beautiful heartbeat! Praise the Lord. Then Dr. Cobb looked at me and asked if we wanted to know what we were having…YES!!!! Sweet Jaden will have a BROTHER! We will be naming him after Liesl’s brother Tyler, he is the reason we are getting our first born plus we love the name! So January 5th we will have a Tyler James Tanner, James after our grandfathers!!!

As for the cramping, of course it is something I have never heard of it is called an entrapped uterus, basically I am not “popping” out like I should be, I really should not be showing but I should have a little something I can just feel, however I have nothing so it is causing me a lot of pain. We just need to pray that is pops out on its own because if it does not they have to go in and manually pop it out, not something I want to experience.

We are praising the Lord for his amazing grace and blessings in our lives. Soon I will post pictures of the nursery but I want to wait until I have it completely done, all I need are curtains and picture frames! I will tell you it looks amazing!