Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The moment

I am not sure what compelled me to stay up one night and write this, maybe the Lord knew I would want it one day. I tried my hardest to remember those hours, the emotion and words shared. Maybe this will give everyone a little glimpse of that moment, and the moments to come. You have joined us this far on the journey...this is how it all began. This was hard to write, and harder to post.

Waking up this morning I was anxious about everything to come. I picked out my black "yoga" skirt which is most comfortable since I feel that I am not showing but defiantly bloating! I am waiting for the clock to read 11:45am because I know that this is the time Kevin will be home to get me. I am so full of emotions, I am scared deep down inside that something is wrong, but I am trying hard to hold onto God's promises and how much this pregnancy has been a "God pregnancy" from the moment we found out. I decide that I am defiantly not hungry and that Kevin and I will grab something afterwards as a celebration to seeing our baby. I check my purse to make sure I have everything I need, look around the house to make sure it is picked up and clean and then head outside to wait for Kevin. As I see the white Honda come around the corner my heart rate increases as I know we are getting closer to the moment of finding out whether we will be having one baby or two. I can't believe it is happening to me, I can't believe it is my turn, and I can't believe that I am pregnant. I get in the car and Kevin immediately notices I am nervous for the appointment to come. Placing his hand on my knee and giving it a gentle squeeze he says "are you excited?"

"Yes, but nervous. You really think everything is okay?"

"I do Beth, this is our moment, we are going to see this pregnancy to the end, Don't worry."

We drive to the Doctors office and I was relieved I have not thrown up yet. Still feeling uneasy and nervous we walk into the office. We sit down and wait for our turn, and as quickly as we sat down Kim, my nurse was out to get us. After a quick stop to the bathroom for a urine check and a scale check, which I hate, we are in the room waiting for Dr. Arcara to come in. Today is a BIG day, it is not only our first official OBGYN appointment but i am pretty sure I am around 10 weeks pregnant, and am anticipating seeing a heart beat. Dr. Arcara does the usual exam, which felt like it took years and I asked her all about the different birth techniques. We laughed and joked about how big Kevin was as a baby and she said to prepare myself for a big baby!!! She was so encouraged by everything and before she got the ultra sound machine ready she looks at me with big eyes and a tender voice and says "lets see this baby guys.."

My heart was racing and I felt Kevin's hand on mine as we waited for her to get everything in the right spot. As I was looking at the screen I knew immediately that something was wrong. The beautiful little sac we had seen weeks before was missing and in its place was clusters of fluid invading my uterus. I saw Dr. Arcara turn the screen from us, and look more intently at what she was seeing, my heart rate begin to rise and my hopes and dreams began to fall.

"Something is wrong Dr. Arcara..." I said more as a statement then a question.

"yes, something is wrong."

"Did I miscarry?"

"No you did not miscarry..."

"Then it is a molar pregnancy, there is no baby..."

As the words left my mouth, my world stopped turning. Dr. Arcara looked up at me with an astounding look and said,

"how did you know that?"

"I just did."

I am not sure how I knew, maybe because of other circumstances in my life, or maybe because deep down inside the Lord was preparing me, or maybe because I already had a mothers intuition telling me something was wrong with my beautiful baby, all I know is that I knew.

My mind began to race and I tried my hardest to grasp the reality that was now being served to me.

"I am so sorry Kevin, I am so so sorry," that was the only thing I knew to say to the person whose dreams were also coming to an end.

Dr. Arcara let me sit up and gave me a minute to grasp what was going on. She kept saying how sorry she was, but it was not her fault, it was nobodies fault, it just happened.

I kept telling myself that maybe I was dreaming, I would wake up and this would all be a terrible nightmare, but with each passing second I knew I was not going to wake up, this was a night mare, but a nightmare I was going to live.

Dr. Arcara left the room and Kevin and I wept.

"Lord please give us strength, we will praise you because you are a good God. Give us strength to once again walk this journey." I called my mom trying my hardest to help her understand what was going on, telling her repeatedly that we were going to be okay. We are going to be okay.

Dr. Arcara comes in with her medical book and begins to explain just what it is that we are going through. An egg without a chromosome was fertilized by a Y sperm, (It would have been a boy!!!), because the egg did not have a chromosome the Y sperm kept trying to fertilize, and in return filling my uterus with unwanted fluid. Words like, cancer, and not being able to try, and never a baby, were throne at my door step for me to sort out and grasp. I had to go to the hospital that day to get my lungs checked, how overwhelming, and then wait four days for the surgery. What would we do for four days? "Stop walking, take it easy, don't over due it, and if you begin to bleed come straight to the emergency room...we are so sorry... "

Everything from this moment on is a blur. I had to sign all kinds of paper work, stating that I recognize that I am no longer a prenatal patient, now I am a high risk pregnancy. Once again my hopes and dreams being ripped from my hands, again. What I had feared most was coming true, what path I did not want to walk, I was being asked to walk again.

We walked out of the doctors office and to our car. I could not get in, I could not move forward, I could not embrace what I was just told. I sat down under a huge tree and let the moment embrace me. Kevin called our friend and pastor for prayer and I once again called my mom trying to give her as much detail as I could. Kevin and I once again found ourselves in each others arms, overcome with grief with heavy hearts. We made our way up to the hospital for the pre-opp meeting, and the X-rays of my chest. As we drove home I wept once again. We walked into our house and the journey had begun. There was no turning back, there were no choices to be made, there were no what ifs about it, this was the moment of truth, would we praise God in the moment and days to come?


Annie said...

Beth, Hearing about the actual day of finding out is so real and honest. I'm glad you wrote this and shared it... I could really feel your emotion coming through and I think this will be nice to have later on. I'm praying for you, Annie

Anonymous said...

So hard, and so sorry. It is amazing how a few words can change so much. What you expect to be fantastic become so painful. Sorry.

I relate to a lot of what you have said albeit from a different perspective.

Our nightmare scan was at 20 weeks


Thank you for sharing