I went to church today. That is more of an accomplishment then I even give myself credit for. You have no idea just what it takes for me to decide to go to church. It is not because I do not love my church family and our church in general, but going out- especially where people know me- is huge. The decision to go anywhere or do anything is usually a big… no let’s say ‘enormous, massive, a titanic like’ decision. I have driven twice to the Fletcher Park, only to get there and turn around and leave – with two very disappointed dogs I must say. I am not sure where these anxiety attacks are coming from, I am not sure when they will leave, but rather then constantly fight them, I am learning to just fall into them and do whatever it takes to make them go away, and that usually results in me going home. For the first couple weeks into this journey I really struggled with the feeling of being “expected” to be at church, I felt as though that was the only place God might truly meet me, and heal me. I have been learning a lot in the last couple of months, and God is revealing himself to me in so many new and exciting ways. I am learning just how compassionate our God is, not that I did not already know this truth about him, but rather just how real it has become to me. Kevin wrote awhile back, about how we did things in order to get something in return. Even after loosing Eddie, and now Judah, I feel as though I am just now grasping the relationship aspect of God. It is funny that this is what he is revealing to me, I am an extremely relational person, so much so that if someone asked me what “religion” I was, I have always said in return “I hate religion; I have a relationship with Jesus Christ.” How much of this relationship was based upon what I “wanted” from God, rather then what God “wanted” from me. In so many ways I based my relationship with Christ with a superficial check list that I created out of religion…
Went to church… CHECK
Tithed…. CHECK (With Kev's money that is now conveniently “ours”)
Prayed…. CHECK
Read my Bible…. CHECK
Read my Bible in the MORNING…. CHECK!! CHECK!!
Shared Christ… CHECK
Served at church…CHECK
I think you get my point. I felt that if I did all these things then I conveniently got to check off my little check list, and then I felt a lot whole better, and a whole lot more religious. Then as I bowed my head and prayed that God would grant me children, I felt as though he “had” to, “Come on God, I did everything on my end….now it is your turn.” Where is the relationship? With myself. Wow, what a reality to grasp. Do we do things out of having to do them? I think often times as humans, unfortunately yes we do. I know I do…not just with my relationship with God, but also with my relationship with people.
After loosing Judah, Kevin and I realized just how wrapped up we were in our own creative religion. Did I love God- absolutely, I am not talking about whether or not I did or did not have a relationship with God, I did, but it was warped and in many ways created by me, not in union with him. Do we need to do the things I listed above, yes, but not because God is standing above us threatening us, and tempting us, and bribing us, but because we have a real relationship with him. I do things for Kevin, not because Kevin will threaten me, but because I love Kevin deeply, and I am in a relationship with him, and I want to please him. Should I not want to do the same for God? That is all he wants from us, and he has opened my eyes and shined light on the dark areas of our relationship by stripping me of things I have always felt comfortable in…Going to church, praying, serving…things that I cannot physically do, I cannot physically make myself do these things right now, and that is okay. God will meet me in my home, he will meet me with a CD of specific music chosen just for me by a dear friend, a blog written by a close friend who also has lost a child, a verse that someone sent to me, scripture I read, books given to me, tears shed with me, shopping with my mom, making muffins, living with and loving my husband, but mostly, just being. God is into just being with me, meeting me right where I am at, and what healing this is. I am convinced that when he is ready he will release me of these physical anxieties that I am getting, but it will not be when you are ready, or when I am ready, it will be when he is ready. Right now he has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!
Luke
51When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."
53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "
Went to church… CHECK
Tithed…. CHECK (With Kev's money that is now conveniently “ours”)
Prayed…. CHECK
Read my Bible…. CHECK
Read my Bible in the MORNING…. CHECK!! CHECK!!
Shared Christ… CHECK
Served at church…CHECK
I think you get my point. I felt that if I did all these things then I conveniently got to check off my little check list, and then I felt a lot whole better, and a whole lot more religious. Then as I bowed my head and prayed that God would grant me children, I felt as though he “had” to, “Come on God, I did everything on my end….now it is your turn.” Where is the relationship? With myself. Wow, what a reality to grasp. Do we do things out of having to do them? I think often times as humans, unfortunately yes we do. I know I do…not just with my relationship with God, but also with my relationship with people.
After loosing Judah, Kevin and I realized just how wrapped up we were in our own creative religion. Did I love God- absolutely, I am not talking about whether or not I did or did not have a relationship with God, I did, but it was warped and in many ways created by me, not in union with him. Do we need to do the things I listed above, yes, but not because God is standing above us threatening us, and tempting us, and bribing us, but because we have a real relationship with him. I do things for Kevin, not because Kevin will threaten me, but because I love Kevin deeply, and I am in a relationship with him, and I want to please him. Should I not want to do the same for God? That is all he wants from us, and he has opened my eyes and shined light on the dark areas of our relationship by stripping me of things I have always felt comfortable in…Going to church, praying, serving…things that I cannot physically do, I cannot physically make myself do these things right now, and that is okay. God will meet me in my home, he will meet me with a CD of specific music chosen just for me by a dear friend, a blog written by a close friend who also has lost a child, a verse that someone sent to me, scripture I read, books given to me, tears shed with me, shopping with my mom, making muffins, living with and loving my husband, but mostly, just being. God is into just being with me, meeting me right where I am at, and what healing this is. I am convinced that when he is ready he will release me of these physical anxieties that I am getting, but it will not be when you are ready, or when I am ready, it will be when he is ready. Right now he has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!
Luke
51When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."
53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "
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