When I lay in bed at night, it seems my mind is most clear, I tend to think of things never thought of and I process much of what is going on. It is at night that I re-live the moments that have happened, and try to process what is going to happen. I begin telling a story of the future both good and bad, scary and peaceful. It is at night that things that should be asleep come most alive in a vivid imagination and an endless sea of wonders. Tonight my mind is not there yet. I often times lay in bed and wish I could put on paper all my mind is thinking, but unfortunately by the time I get paper and a pen, I start analyzing and think to much about what it is I just discovered deep in the brain. Tonight I am not sure what to write about, what to put on paper, or where my mind is taking me. It seems to blank and dark in every corner.
It is times like this that I wish I could open my mind up and allow the words that are forming in my brain to form themselves on paper, without hesitation without thinking to much about each word or the order of which they should be placed, but to allow things to truly flow from the mind straight to the paper as if a mighty hand from above was penning it for me. There are so many times that our words are hindered by our circumstances and by our situations, we allow the color of our day to inhibit the color of our words, they change by what people say or what you think they might say, they change by the wants and desires of appealing to others and they loose the true meaning of there veracity. If we could all live for a day where we were not held back by the worlds expectations what would it look like? How would you live it? Would you change anything? I think that so many of us would change so much about who we truly are, we formed by much of what the world thinks, and so much of what we see, hear, and live that we have truly lost who we truly are. I am so curious to even think, and go as far to say, I wonder how my relationship with the Lord would change if I was not influenced by peoples thoughts, teachings, and words. What would it look like if my relationship with Lord was truly based on my relationship with just him and only him. However, and ever so often, our relationship with God is not based on a true unhindered relationship with the Him, but rather built so much on the teachings of others, how we see other people live, what we have heard or not heard. I have so many times envied Adam, he would walk and talk with Lord and it was only them, Adam was not influenced by billboards, Sunday morning teachings, or what his parents thought or did not think, he was only influenced by his daily walk with the God, oh how I long for that. Unfortunately sin entered the world and at that moment our relationship with God was now view by tainted glasses, painted by and hindered with everyday sin and the flesh of men. Not that we don't learn from great teaching of the great teachers, chosen and anointed by God, but don't you for a second just wonder what it would be like to live daily in a relationship with God not hindered by anything, not sculpted by anyone?
I guess that is why we long for heaven, and oh how I long for heaven, more now then I have ever. I might have two babies up there, and that, only the Lord knows. I can't wait to live in a place where I am not dictated by fear, expectations, wants, and desires, but rather by relationship with my king.