Thursday, April 19, 2012

This Blog

This blog has been so many things to me. It started out as a connection to the youth group I was involved with, a way for the kids to get a look inside my life. It moved from that to a picture of mine and Kevin's journey for family, and then it became a place of healing for me as I journaled through the journey of grief and healing. And now...well now I don't Know.

Along the years I have become a follower of many blogs, mostly of those women who were longing to be a family, but now I follow many people I personally know as they embark on their own journey through life. Right now my dashboard comes into view and I take a deep breath because I know the journeys I am following, are deep and painful...

A mother who lost her 20 year old son
A father and mother who grieve the loss of their newborn son
A beautiful, strong, Christ-devoted girl fighting against cancer

sorrow, such sorrow...

How can I get on my blog and post pictures of things that I know will cause pain? This has always been something I have struggled with, moving forward with joy while still seeing so many caught in the wave of sorrow...I just can't do it. I am not saying I am not joyful, I am, but my joy being their sorrow, some days it is hard for my heart to understand the emotion.

I won't do it, I can't do it and I embrace this aspect of my heart...It is the same reason I do not post things on facebook, or why I don't flaunt the shining moments of my children for everyone to see, not because I am not proud of them but because I know that my posts, or pictures, or statements can be such a slice of pain for someone else. If I can eliminate some sort of pain, even if they don't know it - then I would do it forever, over and over again.

So this blog- well it is what it is, it was place of healing for me and I am forever thankful for it. I will never delete it, never get rid of it, but posting on it just does not seem right- at least for today. Who knows how God will open my heart to write again. I am praying he does so, but for now my heart is overcome with heaviness I have never really experienced. I just can't knowingly post things that could cause someone else pain.