The only thing I know to do, and the only thing that seems clear in this moment of grief is to write and to share my heart. The only reason I feel I can do this is because I am believing that these storms during the journey are purely to bring more people into the Kingdom of God. I find peace when I think about touching someones life for Christ, then I know it is all worth it.
When I think about my purpose in life my thoughts always take me to the heart of being a mother. It is interesting to me that I did not always have this heart. Actually in our home (sorry if this offends anyone) We would make fun of those having kids. I mean, we would always be joyful and excited but then we would laugh that their life of freedom was slowing closing in. We took very careful measures to make sure I would not get pregnant, and I can remember if I thought I was we would be a bit scared. These feelings seem so distant and foreign to me now. It seems that one day I woke up and all of the sudden all I desired was a baby to call my own. Nothing else seemed to matter. I did not want to work, I did not want to be anything else. All I wanted was a family of my own. I have to believe that my heart change was from the Lord, that He was allowing me to feel what most women at one point in their lives feel. It took a bit longer for Kevin, he was always open to the idea, and of course always wanted to be a father but I think in his mind he was thinking "we have the rest of our lives." It has been enchanting to sit back and watch my husbands heart change from one day wanting children to the burning desire to be a father. Our hearts began to take on different roles, especially after we found out we were pregnant a year ago.
It took 11 months after loosing Eddie to getting pregnant the second time. For those women who are reading this who struggled getting pregnant, you know my heart when I say each month is a year. A period which is a blessing and sign that you can have babies becomes the dreaded curse at the end of each month. Each pregnancy test that has a negative sign, becomes a slap in the face, each friend that finds out is pregnant becomes salt to the wound, and it never gets easy. I will say that I believe this is the most refining journey a women can go on. We were designed to have children, that is how God created us, so when that is stripped away or challenged in a women's journey it is extremely refining. It makes me ask the question, if I can't be a mother what is my purpose?
And this is what I am beginning to see, if you strip away being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a co-worker, an aunt and so on what are you left with, what are you really. Our deepest purpose I have to believe goes beyond all those things, yes each one of those standing alone in importance but truly what is deeper then that. People. Their hearts. Their souls. The Kingdom, that is the purpose. Bringing people to God, that is everyones purpose if you are a believer. Sometimes though, it is not the purpose you want, but you are called to. This is a time when the "sacrifice of praise" takes on a new meaning. This storm will be wasted if I don't give glory to God. But it is hard, it is really hard. Some moments my friends are some of the darkest moments I have ever felt. It sounds great, but living it is a whole new journey.