Today has been by far the hardest yet. It has been exactly a week since we found out about Judah, 3 days since the surgery, and nearing 7 weeks of knowing we were pregnant. My heart aches more now then it has ever ached, my body feels empty and my mind a mist of confusion. For the last couple days tears did not come easy, I am not sure why this was. Today they have flown free, everything seems to bring tears to my eyes. At moments I am not sure I am going to make it, the grief is so heavy.
Yes I praise my God in the midst of grief, but I am human and the pain is great causing me to stop and pause and I can do nothing but sit in the moment. The question I keep asking over and over through my tears is"what do I do now?" I honestly don't know what to do, where to go, who to call, what to read, so I am left saying "what do I do?"
At the end of each day, especially today I find myself saying, I made it today, I'll make it tomorrow, but please pray I make it tomorrow, because this is hard, this is so very hard. I am suppose to be pregnant now, I am suppose to be celebrating, but that is not my journey right now. I must face tomorrow and the next day and the next day. Lord give me strength to face tomorrow.
2 comments:
Hi Beth,
Try and take a minute at a time rather than a day at a time. Minutes seem to pass quicker than days. Remember when Jacob (i think it was Jacob) had the actual wrestling match with the man that turned out to be the Lord himself. Yes, Jacob walked with a limp from then on but God allowed the wrestling to take place. He didn't kill Jacob. He let him work his frustrations out with him, literally. God is big! He can withstand and understand your anger and disappointment over your loss. I encourage you to vent your frustrations and discouragement to your God. He will see you thru this. Also, try and find a support group (if not in person, online,) of people who have gone thru the same things you have. That in and of itself will be a great help. Sometimes just knowing others have felt all the same emotions you have can be very healing. Love you girl, Julie
Biff,
You have never ceased to amaze me. At Ravencrest, you helped me through some of the ugliest parts of my life. And the Jesus in you loved me through it. I see the same Jesus in you now as He is walking you & Kevin through the fire, and refining you day by day. I feel like my prayers will never be enough to ease your pain. But I'll keep praying knowing that our God will meet ALL your needs according to all His riches and glory in Christ Jesus! Love you sister.
~Stefanie
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