Today has been by far the hardest yet. It has been exactly a week since we found out about Judah, 3 days since the surgery, and nearing 7 weeks of knowing we were pregnant. My heart aches more now then it has ever ached, my body feels empty and my mind a mist of confusion. For the last couple days tears did not come easy, I am not sure why this was. Today they have flown free, everything seems to bring tears to my eyes. At moments I am not sure I am going to make it, the grief is so heavy.
Yes I praise my God in the midst of grief, but I am human and the pain is great causing me to stop and pause and I can do nothing but sit in the moment. The question I keep asking over and over through my tears is"what do I do now?" I honestly don't know what to do, where to go, who to call, what to read, so I am left saying "what do I do?"
At the end of each day, especially today I find myself saying, I made it today, I'll make it tomorrow, but please pray I make it tomorrow, because this is hard, this is so very hard. I am suppose to be pregnant now, I am suppose to be celebrating, but that is not my journey right now. I must face tomorrow and the next day and the next day. Lord give me strength to face tomorrow.