Thursday, June 19, 2008

Beth the Mess

"I am a mess." This is my motto from now until I feel like I am not so much a mess, and who knows when that could be. Emotionally I am all over the board and cry not because of "spilt milk" but rather because the mail did not come or because I was getting my hair cut and I did not know what to do, or because I did not know if I wanted to wear sweat pants or jeans. I cannot make any decisions, get anxious if I think i might see someone I know, get nervous in the car, and am proud if I make my bed. Kevin has to repeat questions a hundred times, I tense up if the phone rings and cry if I don't get e-mail. Are you convinced that I am a mess? Well I am, but that is okay. I am learning to find freedom in my life and grief dealing with it one second at a time and having no expectations for myself. My family and closest friends are always gently reminding me all that I have been through when I am feeling disappointed at how I am doing. I am so overwhelmed at moments at what the last year of my life has been like, trying to grasp it as I can. You may not see me around for a while and it is not because I don't want to be around it is because I am to anxious to be around....just give me time and don't have any expectations for me because I will only let you down. Just know that I am not in denial, I am not running away, I am not running from God and I am not falling of the planet, I am just dealing the best way that I can. Daily I fall into the arms of God allowing him to love me and heal me, I praise him and love him and love to be with him, because I know that through all my mess he sees right through to the clarity of my heart, what a comfort!