Beth and I went to church this morning, I'll be honest, a lot of me didn't want to go today. It is difficult to be around so many people, some knowing what has happened, and some that didn't know. As we sang, and worshiped our Lord God Beth whispered in my ear, "this is a good song for us." We sing this song very often at our church, and it really spoke to us today. I wish I could type out all the lyrics, but I just can't remember them right now (Come to church with us and I know that you'll hear it soon) the words that spoke to me (and Beth) were:
"We worship you because of who you are"
It is easy for us to praise God because of something he did for us. Or easy for us to praise God for a promise he has given us, or because we enjoy singing. But that's not why we are supposed to praise him - we worship him because of who he is, not for any other reason, than because he is worthy of our praise.
I thought this pregnancy was going to be different than what happened a year ago, because I did all the "things" I was supposed to. I prayed, fasted, tithed beyond our means, read God's word, obeyed his commands, so why then am I going through this grief now? I am learning that we can't do all those things in order to get something from God. We do those things to bring Glory to God, and to praise him, and for no other reason. I believe that God will bless those that serve him, but it is rarely in the ways that we expect him to. I will continue to pray, fast, tithe, read, praise, etc. but not so that God will give us a child, but because I love God, and I want to serve him, and I want to bring Glory to his name.
I don't know why this happened to us, but I know that through this God's glory will shine through Beth and I, if that's the only reason that we are in this storm, that is good enough for me. Many people have given us encouraging words of scripture regarding Job's struggle through this. Even though Job was repaid in the end for his suffering, I'm sure that if he had his druthers, he would have rather not gone through that junk, and just kept living life as normal. So why did God allow that suffering? The greatest thing that came from this battle was that God received praise, glory, and honor during his suffering. And the best part is that is was right in the face of Satan.
As I mentioned above, as I deal with this grief caused by the evil one, my only response is to praise God and give him glory, and honor. Satan has now delivered two blows to us, in hopes of keeping us down, but he can not, and will not prevail, we have already won by the blood of Jesus.
It was my hope two weeks ago, that I could write you a blog with pictures showing the final touches of my hardwood floor project. While I only need to put down 250 more square feet, I know that it will take a while. It is hard to comprehend grief, but it seems to make things 10 times harder to complete. For the first time since hearing the devastating news about yet another loss, I decided today to begin working on the floors once again. Last weekend, it was easy for me to go through ten boxes of wood without taking as much as 10 minutes to rest. Today I struggled to get through one box. Each piece of wood seemed to weight 30 pounds, each trip down the stairs to my saw seemed like 10 flights of stairs. When I finished one box (20 square feet) I was exhausted, I couldn't do any more, and I just sat down, and decided that the floors would wait for another day. You'll have to wait a few more weeks to see the pictures of the final product. It will be worth the wait.
Thank you for your prayers, and support. They have meant more to us than you'll ever know.
PS - Please, please, please, if you don't know the love, power, and worth of my God that I talked about, come talk to me or someone else about him. His love and grace will overwhelm you.