Wednesday, June 25, 2008

See Through my Actions to my Heart

An outlet for Kevin and I recently has been Kevin's softball team. Only a handful of the men on the team know what we have been through, they never really talk to me, and usually I am the only fan sitting in the bleachers watching them, usually yelling some ridiculous team cheer that never makes since according to the game of softball, but at least I am there! On occasions there is a wife and a young baby that come and watch their daddy play. On those nights I tense up and try my hardest to find a spot where I can't see them. And this is what I want to write about today!
This particular blog is for mothers of young children, mothers to be, and mothers who have lost a precious child.

Last night, that young family was there. I tried my hardest to stay put even though they kept getting closer to where I was, and not make eye contact with them. Finally out of desperation I stand up, leave everything where it is, walk to the completely other side and ask Kevin to fetch our things. I noticed particularly last night that this young mother must notice that I am avoiding her, as she watched once again my stuff disappear around the corner. I am sure she thinks I am the most antisocial, rude, and unfriendly person she has ever met. I felt just horrible, if you know me at all you know this is not my heart and in any other moment in my life I would have most likely commented on how cute her baby was, and then struck up a conversation with her. You may even be reading this and be thinking to yourself, "How rude Beth, that baby is a gift, a joy, why would you not want to look at something so precious?" Oh how I wish I could, please know I wish I could. But I can't, it is painful and it hurts my heart so badly that the only thing I know to do is to escape.

If you have ever lost a child, or have had difficulty getting pregnant I am pretty sure you are nodding your head in agreement, knowing exactly how I feel. You understand the way your heart sings for joy and breaks with sorrow with the announcement of one of your siblings, family members or close friends finding out they are pregnant. Joy because it is a miracle and every part in you is genuinely happy for them, but sorrow because that is all your heart wants, and God asking you to wait. It is easier for me to walk away, to take sometime with the Lord to get my heart clear and focused, and I am sorry if this offends you. If you are mother with young children, I see in your eyes pure joy and pride of your child, thinking they are the cutest and most adorable baby on the planet. You walk in to a store and you in a way expect eyes to turn, because people love babies, I get this, and one day I hope to experience it. But don't be offended if someone looks away, or does not ewe and ah over your new little one, who knows what that persons story is.

One day, as the healing continues to come I will be able to hold an infant, to look at pregnant women, and to enjoy a young family watch their daddy play softball. I will embrace it, love it and find joy in it, but I can promise deep down in side there will be a little sting as I remember the days of how hard it was.

Once again I am having to remind myself, it is okay. It is okay because God knows my heart, it is okay because the healing is continuing to sweep over me and I am embracing it. I know that my joy for those mothers is real and authentic, you just might not be able to see it through my actions right now, but that will come. If you are a mother who has never lost a child, who got pregnant quickly and read this and really don't understand it, accept it, and try your hardest to know our hearts. We don't mean to be rude and antisocial, we are dealing the best way we know how. I am dealing the best way I know, look beyond our actions to our heart and there you will see joy and sorrow standing hand in hand, as we sit back and watch you walk through life with your new little one.


Annie said...

oh, beth. i know the pain that you speak of well. i pray that one day God will grant you a child so you can be on the other side of this. your honesty and faith is such an inspiration. i'm praying for you.

Jane said...

Beth, I really appreciate your ability to voice your heart pain. My heart goes out to you and I want you to know I'm praying for God's healing touch to be very real to you and Kevin. God has great things in store for you both. May His richest blessings rest on you. We love you.