Thursday, June 26, 2008

Time- an Extended Retreat

It has been three weeks today since we found out, and just under two weeks since we officially lost Judah. In so many ways I can't believe it has been this long, in other ways I can't believe how little time has past. There have been so many days that I wish there was no time, we just existed and we did not calculate our lives by minutes, hours, days or weeks. I feel so much pressure from time. It is time to get up, it is time to go back to this or that, it is time for Kevin to go to work, time will heal....and so on. And honestly I am just so sick of time. So I am trying my hardest to just be in the moment and not think about the future. I have found that in my thinking I am making a schedule for my grief, for example this would be one of my never ending annoying thoughts...
"Okay it has been almost three weeks, I should probably be back to my normal self by a month, cooking and cleaning and going to church, if I don't then what will people think, so maybe next week I will try to cook every night, and we will only eat out once a week, and I will try and get out more, and call more people and get up with Kevin and...."

It gives me a headache and what I have found is that when I have those thoughts I only fail myself and feel like I fail the people around me.


Some of my best days look something like this....

7:40am Kevin kisses me good bye

9:45am finally I get up

10:00am take dogs out to the fence and get my coffee

And then the rest of the day has no schedule, I just live in the moment. I find myself most free on those days and what I fear the most is when those days will began to fade away. I was telling my family last night that this "time" God has given me has been best described in my mind as an extended retreat. I think God wants people to have this "time" away with him, he causes things to happen in our lives so that we are face to face with just Him, but many people pass up the opportunity to spend an extended retreat with the maker of the universe, because the world is telling them it is "time" to move on. I would not trade this "Time" for anything, even though it took great pain to get here. It is not that I don't want to be around people, or to go places and do things, it is that I physically and emotionally can't make myself. And I once again need to be OKAY with this. So just think of Beth on an extended retreat- cause in many ways I am!

Here is my pool at my "cottage"


Here is who I have allowed to be with me on this retreat: