As I awoke this morning I was amazed at how at peace my spirit was. I slept the best I have slept in months. I can't believe how well I am feeling and am just now realizing just how sick I really was. It feels good to feel myself again. I know there will be dark days ahead, and I know that Satan will try and feed me lies about my God and about my body. I have already had to fight away the thoughts of failure. Those words are not truth.
Today was a quiet day, as Kevin went to work and for the first time in many days I had sometime alone. I am still so torn between knowing we need to return to normal life and wanting to stay in this moment of grief and recovery. In so many ways I feel as though moving forward I am leaving behind that last ounce of pregnancy. I can't believe that a week ago Kevin and I were talking names, nursery ideas and I was looking up bedding for our crib, to not being pregnant and now not even being able to try. You really just never know what a day or an hour can bring you.
I am being refined in the fire as God is revealing so many things to me. My spirit is quietly listening for the fathers voice, knowing that in it I will find comfort, security and hope.
Many people have told Kevin and I that they could not praise God after going through what we have been through, but I say in response to that, you never know until you are in the midst of it. I can honestly say that I would fear the worst about this pregnancy telling God that if anything happened I am not sure that I could handle it, but HE is my strength, HE is my comfort, in HIM we find our joy and peace. The only thing we are doing is falling into his arms of Grace and Love.