The heaviness that Kevin and I experience everyday never seems to go away. Last night the weight of it broke us down and we both wept together as the reality of what is going on once again washed over us. I do not think it is because we are in denial or trying to fake our way through life everyday, I believe that in the midst of grief life must go on. This is true for anyone who has lost anything or anybody in there life. You feel like the world should stop, don't they understand what has just happened? But it can't, it must move forward and with its ever moving waves it moves you right along with it, whether you want to or not.
Last night as we sat in a dark room on the bed and cried, one of the questions that kept crawling all over us was 'is there really a God?" You may read this and think a couple of different thoughts, one being "I thought they were all in to praising this God that now they ask is he even really real...." Let me explain my heart the best way I know how.
When we lost Eddie, it hit me hard. I went into a severe depression for many reasons and felt as though everything I thought I knew to be true was now a false lie. I argued with God for many months, because not only did we have to let go of our first born but also in the months to come, we kept getting negative pregnancy tests. It seemed so unfair to loose a child and then not be able to conceive. Now I craved being pregnant even more then I did before I got pregnant, because I understood the joy and love that came with seeing that positive test! We have gotten so many emails and phone calls from many of you encouraging us by saying it is okay to be angry with God, but please hear me when I say, I have been there and done that. I have wrestled with God for months, I have yelled, cried, screamed at him and in the end laid at his feet broken and confused. Then the healing came, it came through church, new found friendship, family, and most of all in undeniable, unbelievable love. One of the times I felt the healing the most was when my dear friend Daniel was in the hospital. I would stay many nights with him and God was present in that room, the arms of God wrapped so tightly around my soul as he sung his healing words over my broken and weary heart, even in the midst of such a scary and dark storm. It was then I knew that even in our most darkest places, God is present, even if you don't realize it.
Weeks and months went by, and although we were still in the midst of trying to conceive, our clarity with the Lord was strong. But we still had and still have a lot of learning, and Judah was conceived and I believe this pregnancy is saving us. We started getting wrapped up in doing everything right, if we do everything right physically, emotionally, and most of all spiritually God will honor us and we will get a child. We began praying specific prayers about getting pregnant or adopting, asking God to reveal his answer. This is where Kevin and I are really start asking the tough questions. We received many words from the Lord from friends and family confirming that we were pregnant. I at the time would not allow myself to believe, in fear of being disappointed. This pregnancy from the moment it started was instantly labeled "such a God pregnancy." The weeks following finding out about Judah were nothing less then exciting. We decided to tell our church, even though it was early and I was a little fearful we kept hearing the advice "Don't let Satan rob you of your joy, everything is going to be okay!" Everything was not okay, then all of the sudden we were hearing "This is not from God, this pregnancy and what has happened is straight from the pit of hell..." How can we go from such joy, and praise to utter sorrow and cursing. Can you see what we are going through? Can comprehend the mix of emotions that we experience? I am having to go back to the basics, and what I am discovering in many ways is that God is love, God is who is says he is "I am the I am." How can we judge what we think is good or evil? Our judgement comes from our current situation which seems horrific, but if God is love, then this happening is out of love and nothing less. It is hard to comprehend sometimes, but I am in no state to tell God what he should do, and in many ways I was. Is God real? Yes. deep down inside without out a shadow of doubt I know that my God is real. My flesh, my everyday sin, my selfishness, questions whether he is real. My heart, my soul, the depths of who I am, knows that God is real.
I just know, that right now Kevin and I have heaviness following us around. You may see us out walking dogs, or grocery shopping, buying something at Lowe's, and we smile, and we talk to you and we will leave and the heaviness follows. There will be days, where the heaviness will be to heavy and we will break with the weight of it, and in our brokenness we meet Christ. Just know the heaviness is not for you to take, not for you to fix, not for you to question or judge. It is ours, and we are getting through it. Years will go by and many of you will forget what we have been through, or maybe you will remember in a fleeting thought, but I can promise you that even then, our sorrow of the loss of our two children will never go away. It will change, it will grow, it will take on a new color, new feeling, but it will always be there, and it is ours. It will bind Kevin and I together making us so close in heart and in spirit. It already has changed us, made us real, and made our relationship with the Lord grounded deeper into the soil of life!