Friday, June 27, 2008

A Look Inside my Hard day...

The sun is shinning, it is a good feeling that it is the weekend, and it looks like it is going to be a beautiful day. However nothing seems to make the emptiness that I feel more today go away. Some days are just harder then others and I am not sure why. Some days I wake up with a renewed energy and outlook on my situation, other days I feel so empty and wonder how I am going to put one foot in front of the other, this is one of those day. I know it will be okay, I know that I will get through it, and I know that even though it feels empty God is right next to me, holding my hand, catching my tears and singing over me. A great deal of how I feel is coming from the hormonal journey my poor body has been on. My levels rising high above 100,000 and then within a week dropping to 1700, it effects you in more ways then you know. So I find that I have very little energy some days, and am extremely tired even though I have slept a ton. It is learning to find peace in these days and letting them sweep you up for a moment, it is part of the healing. I miss my baby that never was, I miss being pregnant and can't help but wonder what my swelling belly would look like if all had been okay. I miss planning the nursery which is now once again the office, I miss picking out cute little outfits, I just miss somthing very much. This is so hard. It is so hard to wake up and have to take birth control, it seems so odd that we can't even try for six months. It is just so hard to surrender your dreams for his dreams, even though you know deep down inside, his dreams are far better then you could ever imagine.
Today is just a hard day....