Thursday, July 24, 2008

"I Envy you...."

There are so many points to this journey where you learn so many different things, about yourself, about others, and about life in general. I am amazed at how many times I have been stopped on my path and astounded by what God is doing in someone else’s life. I am distinctly aware of others struggles and difficulties, often times feeling they exceed what I am going through. Kevin and I have received many emails and cards from other people who have gone through the loss of loosing a child. I am amazed at their vulnerability to share their story with us and am humbled by their encouragement to us.
However there has been a select group that God has placed in my life that has really spoken and ministered to me, who probably don’t even realize it. This particular group of women has amazed and astounded me and an in many ways encouraged me like no one else could. It has surprised me how many times God has placed one of these amazing women in my life, to remind me gently what God has given to me in the most kind and uplifting way. I know it is specifically from God as I have always walked away encouraged and never once have I been offended by their words of observation, as they look into a section of my journey. I also know this is from God, not only because I have encountered these women on more the one occasion, but also because never in a million years would I have thought they would be the ones to minister to me in such away.
This group that I am speaking of and have been setting the stage for is the women who are my age or older and not married. I know surprising right? Well for whatever reason this has been one amazing way God has chosen to speak to me and shine light on a situation that seems the darkest. One girl I met randomly at a softball game Kevin had. She had never come before and she never came again. She was there that night for a specific reason I believe, and that was to kindly remind me of what God has given me. As we sat and chatted through out the game, she of course asked the dreaded question that always makes my heart sink and my body cringe; “Do you have children?” I can’t really describe to you just what this statement does to me. Unless you have lost a child or have dealt with infertility you will never really know what this question does to you. Anyway I took this as an opportunity to share with her my story, interesting because I have not allowed myself to share with many “strangers” my story…to vulnerable. I concluded my story, and she looked at me with tender eyes and said “I cannot imagine how that must feel…” As the night progressed and as our friendship continued, I was truly enjoying her company. From that point on we did not say anything else of great importance, until the game was coming to an end, it was then she touched my hand and said, “Beth, I cannot imagine what you have gone through, I have know idea what loosing a child must be like, but I still envy you.” I was startle and amazed, why in the world would anyone envy my situation? But as quickly as I had the thought she answered it “I am your age, not dating and don’t have any prospects for dating, all I want and all I have ever wanted is to have children and a husband, to stay home and take care of them. Instead I have an apartment, a dog, and am working two jobs to maintain it. I don’t even have the choice for kids right now and not only have I had to watch all my friends get married, but now I am watching them make and have their families, while I am still alone. I envy what you have Beth, because although you have to wait six months to try again for another child, you at least get to hold onto to the dream of children and be held at night by your husband while you are most lonely. I go home by myself.” At that moment my heart broke for this young women, she was beautiful and had a good head on her shoulders, and here she was looking at me and thinking “you are living the dream,” how humbling this was to me.
She is just one of example of many, and I have to say that each time God places another one of the extraordinary girls in my path; it opens my eyes up more to see what God has given me; a loving husband who in the midst of my mess still loves me. I am astounded by Gods grace and mercy in my life, I am living my dream, I am a wife to Kevin and that is more then I even deserved, and although I do not get to mother my children here on earth I am still very much a mother! God did not have to give me anything yet he choose to give me the gift of a soul mate and two beautiful children who will never ever experience pain, that is more then I could ever ask or imagine. Everyday I get to spend with Kevin in this life is worth it, I am a truly blessed mother and wife!
I do pray for these girls, I can’t imagine what they must feel everyday, how their hearts must sink every time they get a wedding announcement of yet another friend, I pray that their dreams do come true and that one day they email me and tell me of the love God has given to them, however just like me in the since of being asked to wait, I hope they know just how much their lives have impacted mine. Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting what we do not have that we loose focus of what we do have, and I have more then I could ever imagine!!