Monday, October 27, 2008

Crawling Through.....

Warning this blog has some graphic words and scenes, Just being real here people!! Don't forget to pause my music if you choose to watch the video...

Let’s be real, stop beating around the bush, stop putting on an act, stop pretending to be something we are not. That is what I have tried to do on this journey; I have tried to be as real and honest as I can. I have tried to give you a clear picture of this journey as best as I can, to let you in on the toughest days, the ups and downs and the raw moments that can change a person forever.

I have no regrets about starting this blog, even though it has been criticized and even though people have bluntly told me the things I am doing wrong. I have been tempted to pull the blog, so tired of defending my journey and why I have written what I have written, I have been tempted to stop writing, and deal with this journey silently. But that is not what God has asked me to do; from the first day of finding out about Judah I have been honest and real in hopes that God would get the glory, even in the darkest moments, and I really believe he has.

I debated on writing this, but I really believe that this is what describes so much of how I feel sometimes. This past weekend with Jamie we watched Shawshank Redemption. It is a graphic movie (not a family movie) about a man, Andy, who was innocent but blamed for the murder of his wife and sent to prison (if you want to watch this movie and have not already most likely I will ruin the ending for you in this blog…just a warning). The prison was awful, and the inmates were beat pretty bad by the guards. My favorite scene of the movie is this: (warning: language and graphic and WILL ruin the ending…)





He had to crawl through 500 yards of shit to get to freedom, can you imagine what that river must have felt like? Washing him clean, embracing him and sending him to freedom?? It did not change the fact that he had to crawl through the shit, it did not change the reality of what he had to go through get to freedom, but can you just imagine what that freedom must of felt like?
I called Kevin after watching that, and said through tears, this is my life right now, we are crawling through shit, that is the reality, a molar pregnancy and ectopic pregnancy, fear of cancer, not being able to try, loosing a fallopian tube, the fear of not being able to conceive, there is no other word, it is pure and simple shitty….but the freedom that comes at the end, knowing the healing will wash you clean, sweep you away, oh man- that is worth it.

Sometimes in the moments that are the toughest I feel as though the tunnel will never end, sometimes I feel as though I will not make it another yard, but I do, I DO. I think as Christians we feel entitled to a life without the shit, nice and clean, pure and simple. Why? Because I am a Christian, Well if this is how you feel then let me tell you a little secret, the walk, the journey, dying to yourself, your wants your desires, suffering for His words, Those in the moment, it hurts, it sucks, it is painful- but the outcome, the real picture, the end- that is what I live for, the Glory for the Lord, but it does not mean that the journey will be easy, it will most likely be the toughest journey we will ever walk.

I know, that in the end, when I slide out of the tunnel and into the fresh water of the river, I will look back and say it was worth it, but that does not mean it will make it easier to live in the shit right now.